Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 16 - Pony Up - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

We have on the line with
us Victoria from Cleveland.

Tell us, Victoria, why are you so excited

about these amazing space bags?

Well, the love of my life

was recently thrown into prison,

and it turns out that jail cells

have no closet space at all.

I'll take 500.

Victoria!



Ms. Chase will not be purchasing

space bags at this time. Thank you.

Why are you shop-blocking me?

I heard noises.

Is that thing loaded?

One of us is.

Well, we're having an
intervention for Victoria.

Because of her drinking?

No.

She's grief-shopping.

Oh, can you blame me?

Emmet's in jail, I can't see him,

and his lawyers won't
tell me what's going on.

Oh, honey. I know it hurts.



But now you have to be strong.

Oh, Melanie, you shouldn't be here

trying to cheer me up.

You should be back at
your apartment with Alec.

Joy can stay and keep me company.

She has nothing better to do.

Again for the record,

I'm working for a private investigator

- and going to college.
- Oh, see?

Joy's rich fantasy life will entertain me.

Alec's out of town, so I can be here

as long as you need me.

- Well, thank you.
- You know...

Sometimes the best way to get over

feeling sorry for yourself

is to do something nice for someone else.

Yeah, yeah, "in bed."

We've all gotten that fortune cookie.

No, I'm being serious.

My PR agency represents
The Kidney Foundation.

And Good Morning America

is gonna give us an on-air spot.

So we need a beautiful,
charismatic spokesperson.

[Chuckles] All right, I'll do it.

She meant Victoria.

Selfless through the tears...

this might be a good role for me.

Melanie, you're right.

I need to stop thinking about me

and start thinking about me on television.

So you think you're ready

for your first detective assignment, Joy?

- I know I am.
- Great.

'Cause I want you

to be my honey trap.

Whatever that is, it's not gonna happen.

So just tell me what the assignment is.

That is the assignment.

A honey trap is an operative

who traps a serial cheater
in a compromising position.

Now this is our Mark.

Our Mark. [Laughs]

The best part about being a detective

is getting to use the lingo.

Lingo? No, his name is Mark.

Oh.

So Mark's our Patsy.

No, Patsy's the wife. Here. That's her.

She's the one that hired me.

Now you're gonna meet Mark
in front of his office.

You'll pretend to fall.

When he helps you up,

you offer to buy him a drink to say thanks.

You take him to a bar

where I'll be ready to snap a picture.

Ooh, I have the perfect cover story.

I'm a down-on-my-luck ballerina
nursing a high ankle sprain.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

If a man wanted to hear a woman talk,

he'd just stay home with his wife.

You just tell him you're
looking for a good time.

And whatever he says,

you answer with, "I bet you are."

This is so exciting.

So who do you use as the honey trap

when a husband wants to
catch his wife cheating?

Well, me, obviously.

I mean, why hire hamburger

when you've got steak right here?

And you've actually trapped cheating wives?

Not a one.

No.

One thing Cleveland can be proud of

is how loyal their wives
are to their husbands.

Okay, we're going live
on Good Morning America

in five, four, three...

Hi, I'm Dr. Lori Hernandez
with the Cleveland clinic.

I am here with Hollywood actress

Victoria Chase discussing kidney donation.

You know, kidney donation is much easier

than most people think.

I urge all of you to register.

You could save a life.

That's correct.

Right now, there are hundreds
of patients in Cleveland

waiting for someone to donate a kidney,

including Lisa Slopey,

just ten years old and in
desperate need of a kidney.

Oh, what a sweet child.

You know, I would give anything

to donate my kidney to her,

- but unfortunately, I...
- You can.

We can take a blood sample
and see if you're a match.

It's quick and simple.

No, I... I hate to correct you

on national television, doctor,

but I have an adult kidney,

and she needs a little girl kidney, so...

A common misunderstanding.

Kidneys are easily transferred
between adults and children.

So shall we get you tested?

Yes. Absolutely.

Kidney donations...

know the facts first.

You said doing something for someone else

would make me feel better.

Now I feel worse.

I didn't know you were
gonna volunteer on air.

I was playing the part
of someone who cares.

I got caught up in my character.

Okay, honey, listen.
I'll take the test too.

I'm a really good test taker.

- I'll probably be a match.
- Oh, please.

We both know it'll be me.

In the movies, it's always the star,

never the quirky best friend.

So, Mark, tell me about yourself.

I'm just a single guy who
likes to have a good time.

I bet you are.

Oh, my God. Sean.

You know that guy?

Yes, he's my... brother.

Good-looking family.

He sure is. I mean, we are.

Oh.

I just remembered.

Mom wants me to tell him something.

Well, hurry back.

I'm eager to hear more
about your ballet thingy.

Huh?

Oh, I bet you are.

Hi, Sean.

Joy.

Wow. It's good to see you again.

You too. How's Chloe?

Actually, it didn't work out with us.

Oh, that's a shame.

You know, after I broke up with you

when I found out you were a...

you know.

A brony?

Joy, I know you thought
it was a little strange.

But I am not ashamed to
be one of the many bros

who are into My Little
Pony: Friendship is Magic.

And you shouldn't be.

I'm sorry I was so
short-sighted and judgmental.

Elka and I actually
watched a couple of episodes

over margaritas.

It was fun.

We drank every time we saw a rainbow.

I'm so happy you've opened up to it.

Would you like to join me for dinner?

I'd love to.

Would you excuse me?

I need to use the little pony's room.

Joy, what the hell are you doing?

Rekindling an old flame.

You dated him?

What is he, rich or something?

What are you talking about?

He's perfection.

He's a fireman... a hero.

A civil servant?

Joy, no, I see you more with a...

a sexy loner who owns his own business,

a ginger-haired man of mystery.

No. I see myself with him.

Well, whatever.

Quit flirting with that hero and

go make out with that zero.

You're right.

Business before pleasure.
Get your camera ready.

Look, I'm about to do something

that might seem a bit weird.

But remember that episode of My Little Pony

where Pinkie Dust had to pretend

to be someone she's not

to catch her Nemesis, Thunder Tail,

being a naughty pony?

Of course. It's one of my favorites.

Well, keep that in mind till I get back.

Hey. How's your brother?

Great.

Want to make out?

Sure.

Wow.

- Should I get a room?
- Yes.

In one of those depressing
places for divorced men.

You're gonna need it.

I'm confused.

I bet you are.

[Cell phone rings]

It's the hospital.

You answer it.

Hello?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Well, that is wonderful news.

Thank you, Dr. Hernandez.

It really is good news.

Victoria, we're gonna
save a little girl's life.

What do you mean, "we"?

Well, mostly you, but I'm gonna be with you

every step of the way.

Except for the step
where they bust her open

like a pinata and pull out her kidney.

Oh, my God! This isn't happening.

Any surgery that doesn't have
the word "plastic" before it

is pointless.

I blame you, Melanie.

I know it's scary,

but it really is a very simple operation.

And... and the scar is much
smaller than it used to be.

Oh, my God. I forgot about the scar.

Oh, big deal.

You keep saying you're way too old

to still be wearing a bikini.

I never said that.

Maybe I said it.

Point is, it's been said.

Jack. Straight up.

Hey.

Bob.

- Sean.
- Yeah.

Beer, huh?

Popular drink with alcoholics.

Actually, I prefer to do
everything in moderation.

Mm. Except work out, huh?

Or do you take steroids?

I mean, you don't get a body like that

hitting the gym once a week.

I learned that the hard way.

Hey, what's with all these napkins

with phone numbers on them?

Ah, you know how women are.

[Laughs] I certainly do.

Well, that's odd. You got all seven digits.

You know, you're a funny guy.

Yeah.

Guess you must have a different gal

every night of the week, huh?

Well, actually, I prefer to date

one woman at a time.

In fact, I'm meeting somebody here tonight

that I really like.

Prostitute.

Makes sense. No muss, no fuss.

- No, she's not a prostitute?
- No?

So what do you do for kicks?

- I like vintage video games.
- Mm-hmm.

Halo, King's Quest, Half-Life.

Half-Life?

Oh. I love Half-Life.

Yeah.

My screen name is Mr. Bates,

from Downton Abbey.

- You're Mr. Bates?
- Yeah.

Dude! I think you fragged me.

- No way.
- [Laughs] Yeah!

- [Laughs]
- And I love Downton Abbey.

It's one of my favorites.

I have five episodes DVR'd right now.

Oh, well, spoiler alert...

the estate is being mismanaged.

No.

I know.

Bob? What a surprise.

What are you doing here with Sean?

Wha... Sean?

You know Joy?

Joy, you know Bob?

He's my boss.

Shall we get a table?

Yeah, I could eat.

Okay. I'll ask the
hostess for a bigger table.

Great.

Wow, what a crazy coincidence, huh?

This is no coincidence. What are you up to?

Joy,

for professional reasons,
you and I cannot be lovers.

Oh, God.

But I still care about you.

So I came down here to
check out this Sean guy,

see if he's good enough for you.

And good news is he is.

And it may just be the Jack talking,

but he's pretty easy on the peepers.

Damn.

Sean still not returning your texts?

He and Bob turn their phones off

when they're watching Downton,

or playing Half-Life or
going to baseball games.

Their bromance is ruining my romance.

Bros before hos, Joy.

Elka!

Did I say it wrong?

They're the bros, she's the ho.

No, that's right.

I've got a plan.

All right, everyone's heard the story

of someone who wakes up in a hotel bathtub

full of ice missing a kidney, right?

- Yeah.
- All right.

I need to find the guy who does that.

You seriously want to
steal someone else's kidney?

Well, it's what's happening to me.

I'm paying it forward.

Yes, it's an operation.

And yes, it's a big deal.

But there is a little girl out there

that is going to live

because you do this.

If she does it.

Well, I'm half afraid I'm
gonna wake up without a kidney.

I'm locking my door.

[Cell phone rings]

Hello? Yes?

Oh, I see.

You're going in a different direction.

With someone younger.

[Laughs] No, of course I'm disappointed,

but I understand.

Good-bye.

Did you lose a part?

Nope. I gained one.

They found a better match.

I am keeping my kidney.

Oh! So many emotions are
fighting each other right now.

Happiness, euphoria, utter joy.

Then why did you sound so sad on the phone?

Well, so I'd still get
credit for wanting to do it.

Oh, this is even better
than when I told my children

I'd take them to Disneyland,
and they all got chicken pox.

Is that Sean's jacket?

Yeah.

He loaned it to me

when we went to the Indians game together

and I got a little bit chilly.

[Sniffs]

It still smells like him.

Look, Bob.

I realize Sean is a nice guy.

Really nice.

And he's fun to be with.

Super fun.

But I need you to back off,

so I can spend more time with my boyfriend.

So are you asking me to stop seeing him?

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but yes.

Get your own super-hot brony fireman.

Where, Joy?

Where?

I don't understand why
we can't hang out anymore.

Was it something I did?

No, it's not you. It's me.

- But you said...
- Look, we both said a lot of things.

It doesn't mean they weren't
all real and true at the time.

Look, we can still be friends.

But that's what we are.

Yeah. Look, this whole thing is
getting a little confusing. But...

Look,

we'll still see each
other around, all right?

Thank you so much for letting me come over.

Oh, I'm so glad that we got to meet.

Though I am just devastated

that I can't give you my kidney.

That's okay.

I mean, I found a match

'cause you did that news thing.

Plus, I'm such a big fan.

Really? Oh, you know my work?

They played DVDs of Edge of Tomorrow

when I get my dialysis.

Oh, that must be fun.

I'm really sorry about your boyfriend

being in jail and everything.

Are you sad about it?

Well, yeah.

Of course I am, but...

oh, honey, it's nothing compared

to what you're going through.

I wish people wouldn't do that.

Not talk about stuff because I'm sick.

I'm sorry.

Okay, I'll talk about it.

Well,

it's horrible actually.

I'm engaged to this wonderful man

and all I want to do is marry him, but...

So get married.

What, in prison?

Who cares? You'll still be married.

You're absolutely right.

I mean, why should I stay
home and feel sorry for myself?

I have to just believe that everything

is going to turn out okay

and keep moving forward with my life.

That's what I do.

Thank you, Lisa.

You have made me feel so much better.

[Cell phone chimes]

Oh, excuse me.

- Oh, my God.
- What?

It's a text from the hospital.

And it is really good news for me.

They did some more tests.

And...

it turns out that

that other kidney isn't gonna work out,

so I get to give you my kidney after all.

Really?

Yes.

And I am really glad that a part of me

is going to be a part of you.

Me too.

Wow.

I'm going to have a celebrity kidney.

[Laughs]

Can I go and tell my mom?
She's waiting in the car.

Absolutely, honey.

So I guess I'll just see you in a few days

in the operating room.

- Hmm? [Laughs]
- Yeah.

We were listening the whole time.

I'm very proud of you.

I sure would have bet
against you doing that.

You did bet against it. Pay up.

You too, Joy.

She hasn't done it yet.

Mr. Ackerman,

I'm pleased to report that your wife

is definitely not cheating on you.

And I sent my best man.

He's sexual catnip.

She shut him right down.

A little rudely, I hear.

Nope.

That is one faithful
woman you are married to.

All right. Good night, sir.

"Sexual catnip"?

Yeah. I'm thinking of
changing my half-life name

to sexual catnip.

Well, it's better than Master Bates.

It's Mister Bates.

[Buzzer]

Oh, hey, Joy.

- You ready for dinner?
- Yeah.

Let me just get my things.

Hey, Sean.

- Bob.
- Well.

You're looking good.

You find my black T-shirt?

Uh, no.

I haven't been able to do that.

Sorry.

All right, well, I guess
I'll see you around.

Yeah, yeah. We'll... see you around.

I'll meet you at the elevator.

Thanks for giving him back to me.

You're a good man.

Hey, you know,

if it doesn't work out between you and him,

I'm always available to step in.

With me or him?

Yes.

Good night, Bob.

[Rings bell]

The hero kidney donor is a little chilly.

She'd like that blanket.

Well, she can't have
it because it's a gift.

Elka made it for Emmet.

I thought he might like something

to cuddle up with to remind him of

what's waiting for him when he gets out.

Thank you.

[Rings bell]

The hero kidney donor
would like some breakfast.

Elka,

I would like my initials
in my cappuccino foam.

And not the two letters
you put in there yesterday.

I say we poison her.

She's only got the one kidney.

It wouldn't take much.