Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 17 - No Glove, No Love - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

[Sighs]

Well, thank God Wilbur's present

arrived from France in
time for his birthday.

What did you always dream of having

when you were a little
girl growing up in Poland?

Food.

But a close second must've been

an 18th century Beaux
Arts marionette theater.

Oh, no. The instructions are in French.



What's French for "puppets are creepy"?

It looks just like you.

There is a resemblance.

Well, this freakish creature
looks nothing like me.

Hey! Where'd you get the Victoria puppet?

What's all that?

Oh, all these toys were
over at Elka's place.

We'll, I did a lot of baby-sitting

when I was young.

Was it hard pushing a stroller around

before the invention of the wheel?

Wow, these toys are really vintage

and kind of inappropriate.

"Drunken Irish potato head"?



They had a great slogan.

"I-rish I was drinkin'."

Hey, everybody. How's the birthday goin'?

Oh, we're building Wilbur
his first marionette theater.

Ah, on the theory he's
really a six-year-old girl?

You know, it's funny.

We've been living together and everything,

and we haven't had the
talk about having kids...

What?

Although I guess that's part
of a longer conversation.

It's already longer than
I thought it would be.

I know you've got grown kids,

but, I mean, it probably wouldn't hurt

to at least think about it.

Whoa! Good arm, buddy!

Nice grab.

Honey, look at him.

We just brought him home
from the hospital an hour ago.

We're already playing catch!

He's incredible, just like his father.

We should have a whole team.

Why don't we get started right now?

- Well, sure. I think that...
- Shh.

I know you're supposed to wait six weeks

after having a baby to have sex,

but I just can't get enough of you.

Wow, he's really picturing it.

I wonder what it would be like.

[Groans]

I can't reach the mail.

Because you gained 75 pounds,

and you're only two months pregnant.

That makes me sad.

I need bacon.

Oh, here's some.

I'm going to play golf.

Let me know when we can have sex again.

It's kind of fun to think about, isn't it?

Sure is.

Melanie, is Alec still here?

We need help. This toy is impossible.

No, he's at the hardware store.

- Oh, I hate hardware stores.
- Me too.

It's all just stuff you
need, nothing you ever want.

Yeah.

It's the lowest form of shopping.

Well, I'm kind of in shock right now.

[Laughs]

Alec just asked me if
I wanted to have kids.

- Really?
- I know!

I mean, I suppose it's
still technically possible

with modern science and everything.

You know, you could always pull a Madonna

and just, you know, snap up
one of those Malawi babies.

Or get a French baby.

Maybe he could read those instructions.

I know.

Why don't you and Alec take Wilbur today?

It'll be a good test run for him.

That's true, and who knows?

Maybe it'll help me figure out
if I want to have a kid too.

Okay, I'm gonna say
what everyone's thinking.

Joy's too old.

Payback for that wheel
crack you made earlier.

- All: Hey.
- [Laughs]

Yeah, that is one cute
baby my boyfriend's holding.

Man, I never realized what
a chick magnet babies are.

But you do realize if Wilbur was our baby,

he wouldn't actually
serve as a chick magnet.

Well, of course not.

Son, this is for you.

It's the glove I used when I was your age.

Wow. Thanks, dad.

- After lunch, you wanna play catch?
- You bet.

[Cell phone rings] One sec.

Hello?

Well, hello, Mr. President.

Why, yes, I'd love to go to
the Super Bowl with you...

But I'm afraid I can't.

I've got something a
little more important to do:

play catch with my son.

[Laughs] Hero?

No, Mr. President. I'm just a dad.

I guess your life really changes
when you have a kid, doesn't it?

Oh, it sure does.

You have to have a lot of
time and a whole lot of energy.

Sweetie! Where have you been?

Out.

Today is parent-teacher conference day,

and you never mentioned it.

Because you embarrass me.

You're way older than all the other moms.

Honey, come sit next to me.

Let's talk for a minute.

Fine, but can we open
a bottle of wine first?

What?

You're right, I shouldn't drink

now that I'm pregnant.

- Pregnant?
- It's your fault.

You never told me about sex.

I meant to.

I was just... I was so tired.

You know, I think we'd
make pretty good parents.

Mm-hmm.

Right, Wilbur?

Where's Wilbur?

Oh, my God! We lost Wilbur!

Look, he couldn't have gotten far.

He's only crawling, and
the floors are sticky.

I'll check by the door.
You check by the bar.

I'll check by the bar.
You check by the door.

Wilbur! Hey! Here, champ!

Hey, little fella.

Oh! Thank God you found him!

And, just so you know,
I'm not a bad person.

I'm really responsible.

People would say that I am the last person

they could imagine losing a baby in a bar.

No worries, you have a
very cute grandson, ma'am.

Grandson? Ma'am?

How old do you think I am?

And don't you dare say the first thing

that pops into your head.

26?

Now, you're just being an a-hole.

Give me back my damn baby.

Well, so much for my Maison de Poup?e.

Looks more like a steaming pile of poup?e.

Why don't we just go to Toys "R" Us

and pick up something different?

What, you mean give up?

Well, that would be the French thing to do.

Hey.

[High-pitched voice] Hi, hot stuff.

[Chuckles]

Wilbur's finally asleep.

That was fun taking care of him today.

I think we did great.

We lost him in a bar.

- We gave him his space.
- [Chuckles]

I think he appreciated it.

You know, to tell you the
truth, I'm kinda wiped out.

That little guy never stops.

Oh, yeah, it's physically
exhausting when they're little,

and, then, they get older,

and it's more emotionally tiring.

You know, helping them with life decisions.

Yeah. I can see that.

Dad.

Check it out.

"Cleveland's hottest dad"?

Wow!

Who even knew this was a thing?

Dad, the Indians offered
me a minor league contract.

Seriously? Well, that's fantastic!

Wait. What's with that look?

Dad... [Exhales]

the truth is...

I think what I really
want is to go to college

and study astronomy.

Well, then, that's what you should do.

You are the greatest father ever.

Well, maybe not the greatest,

but, then again,

mugs don't lie.

Alec, did you inhale too much helium?

Huh? No. Just got lost in thought.

You know, in all this
discussion about babies,

we haven't talked about what your kids

would think about having a
new baby brother or sister.

Ooh. I hadn't thought of that.

Wow. [Chuckles]

I just realized that
Jenna is the same age now

as I was when I had her.

Hey, Elka, is my mom here?

Come here and give me a hug, Jenna,

but be careful.

The pregnancy leached all the calcium

out of my bones.

So, mom, how's the baby?

Did you come up with a name yet?

- "Too tired."
- That's all right.

- You've got time.
- No, that's her name.

"Too tired."

When the nurse asked me what to put down,

all I could say was "too tired,"

and I just didn't have
the energy to correct her.

My friend's mom had a late baby too.

Her name is "why, God, why?"

- Is that formula?
- Nope, breast milk.

I'm so old, I lactate dust.

I have a major announcement to make.

Joy and I are going to go dancing

and pick up guys because
they think we're still hot.

- You wanna come?
- Yes.

But you know I can't.

We were talking to Jenna.

She reminds us of you
when you used to be fun.

Oh, yes, you were so much fun.

I was fun, wasn't I?

Everybody liked me.

They did, didn't they?

Okay, let's go before it gets even sadder.

- Mom, are you okay?
- No.

I had time and energy when you were young,

and you turned out great.

You should be the one

thinking about having a baby, not me.

I don't wanna be a mom again.

I wanna be a grandma.
That's where I am in life.

Don't worry, mom.

You're going to be a wonderful grandmother.

[Groans]

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I leaked all over you.

You're thinking about kids, aren't you?

Have you come to a decision?

I think I have.

You?

You go first.

Well, I adore kids,

and I adore you...

[Laughs]

But I feel like I've
done the parenting thing.

You know, and I did it really well,

so I hope you understand

that I don't wanna have any more kids.

Then, we're on the exact same page.

Aw.

I love you.

I love you too.

Toss me the superglue, will you?

Well, it's finished...

Wilbur's first hipster hat.

Oh, it's so cute.

These English instructions
are worse than the French ones.

What or who is Allen Wrench?

This stupid car has more
pieces than the puppet theater,

and it needs two "D" batteries.

Where are we gonna get those?

Fine.

I'll take them out of my...

personal back massager.

Well, ahem, Alec and I had the talk.

What did you decide?

We both decided...

no kids.

- And how do you feel?
- Mm, bittersweet.

But... [chuckles] relieved.

I don't have the energy now
to staff a baby properly.

Day nanny, night nanny,

I'm exhausted already.

My husband didn't want kids.

I've never resented it,

but I always wondered...

Mom!

[Exhales] What is it, Melanie?

Joy cut the legs off her tracksuit,

and she's with a boy.

We're going upstairs to play house.

Maybe we should get married first.

I'm outta here.

Thanks for the milk.

Joy, what have I told you

about giving away the milk for free?

I would never do anything like that, mommy,

because I'm good.

I'm really good.

Tell me how good I am, mommy?

Yes, Melanie, you're good.

How good, mommy? How good?

The kind of good that makes me wanna drink.

I have a major announcement.

What is it, Victoria?

I auditioned for the
lunchtime original movie

Recess Confidential,

and I lost the part to that
little freak Suzy Lucci.

Lucci!

I like Suzy Lucci, and she likes me

because everybody likes me, right, mommy?

Don't they like me?

Mommy, what are you
going to do about Lucci?

Mommy, when is a boy going to like me?

[Overlapping dialogue]

Or...

maybe I dodged a bullet.

Well, I better get back to my tepee.

Oh, no.

Stupid glue.

I can't get this wine glass out of my hand.

Well, that's how you look
80% of the day anyway.

I'm never gonna get this off,

and I'm never gonna finish this tepee.

Oh, come on!

We are four intelligent, capable women

who can do anything.

You're right.

I want Wilbur to know that women

can do anything men can do.

- Magnificent.
- Brilliant.

And can you believe we did it ourselves?

Actually, I can.

Oh, hey, I forgot my present in the car.

- I'll be right back.
- [Sighs]

Another triumph for Victoria Chase.

Victoria, you do realize

critics don't review
first birthday parties.

All the same. Kudos to me.

Oh, my God! Where'd Wilbur go?

Oh, he went back in the tunnel.

[Sighs] Thank goodness.

I wouldn't wanna lose him twice in one day.

What?

I'm gonna help Alec with that gift.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Here's my gift for Wilbur.

Well, it's beautifully wrapped.

Well, I actually did slap a bow on it,

but it looked really unhappy wearing it.

This is really sweet of you,

but maybe we should clean it first.

- It's kind of dirty.
- What? No.

No, it's not dirty. It's... it's broken in.

See, you rub in oil,

and, then, you take a ball,
and you throw it in the pocket,

like, a thousand times.

And, then, you leave the ball in it,

you put it under your
pillow, and you sleep on it.

Wow.

Were you a really good player?

- Are you gonna check?
- No.

- Psh, then I was great.
- [Chuckles]

And you kept it all these years.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, my dad gave it to me,

and I always thought
someday, I'd give it to my...

girlfriend's friend's grandson.

Oh, Alec.

Your face right now.

Honey, I am good with our decision.

But was it really our decision?

Yeah, of course it was.

So...

you're 100% sure that
you do not want children?

The truth?

No.

[Exhales]

No, I'm not 100% sure.

I don't even know if I'm 50% sure.

But I am very sure that
I don't wanna lose you.

I know you feel that way right now,

but I also know that

every time you see a father

playing with his kid,

you're gonna feel a little
sad that it isn't you.

Yeah, that could happen.

It will happen,

and I'm gonna feel like I robbed you

of something that I know is wonderful,

something that I've had,
but that you never will.

- But I love you.
- And I love you too.

That's why...

[Sighs]

that's why I...

we...

Just give this to your son.

Or daughter.

And if...

you're ever 100% sure

that you don't want that, then find me.

So, what?

Is this good-bye?

Yeah, I guess it is.

Although we do live and work together.

So this is gonna be sad and awkward?

How about we just deal with sad tonight

and awkward tomorrow?

Okay.

Good night, Melanie.

We're gonna have to deal

with a little of the awkward right now.

You have the keys.

[Laughter from indoors]

[Excited chatter from indoors]

[Exhales]

Hey, Jenna!

It's mom.

No, no, everything's okay.

I just... just really
wanted to talk to my baby.

So what's new?

[Gasps] Oh, wow! You're kidding.

That's great!

It's just great.

No, no, I got time.

Yeah, I just...

wanna hear everything.