Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 4 - GILFs - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Oh, there you are, Elka.
I brought the loot.

We've been over this, Mamie Sue.

"Loot" makes it sound like
we're pirates.

I'm sorry.
I got the Benjamins.

It's all about the Benjamins.

What are you doing with all that money?

What money?

Elka, what the hell is going on?

Well, if you must know,
we've started a business.

It's a dating service
for seniors. Right?



Sure. It's called
Cleveland...

GILFS.

Uh... Grandmothers
I'd like to friend.

So that's what all
the secrecy has been about?

That's why you're back in school
getting a business degree?

Yep, that's why.

That's a good idea.

It is a good idea.

And a great cover
for our real business.

And maybe I could use it
to meet someone.

And then I could double date
with you and Pierre.

Oh, I'd be nervous bringing another guy

on a date with Pierre.

You're right, we might end up



both going home alone.

Oh, honey, were you up all night?

How could I sleep?
I'm losing my mind.

Okay, worst-case scenario:

Your boss overheard you say
you're in love with him.

Now he's on vacation
with his girlfriend,

laughing about it.

And when Chloe,
his ex-wife...

also your boss...
finds out,

you'll be humiliated, alone, and fired.

Oh, God, if I wasn't catholic
and didn't have two kids

and I didn't have
a dentist appointment tomorrow

that would be so rude
to cancel this late,

I'd kill myself.

I know, I'll send him a text

and tell him it was all a joke.

Oh, I don't know, Melanie.

No, no, no, no.
This is good, this is good.

I'll say it was an elaborate prank.

I punked him. And send.
That'll fix it.

No, it won't.

Why would I pull
such an elaborate prank?

And how could I know
that he'd overhear me?

And why did autocorrect
change "punked" to "puked"?

And now Alec and his girlfriend Carmen

have something else to laugh about

in between bouts of lovemaking.

I could just see it now...
Her on top of him...

How do you know she's on top?

It's early in the day.

She doesn't want to mess up her hair.

Okay, so what should I do?

Call Victoria.

She's always good
for an asinine scheme.

No, no, I don't want to bug Victoria.

It's her first day of rehearsal.

You're right.
I'm sure she's busy

doing something asinine already.

An excellent question, Barbara.

How do I feel being
in my first Woody Allen movie,

starring opposite Sir Emmet Lawson?

How don't I feel?

Victoria, are you in there?

Oh, uh, yes, Emmet.
Come in.

Terrific job this morning,
my love. Brava!

Oh, you really mean it?

You are the real deal, kid.

Oh, coming from you,
that means so much.

You can't imagine.

I've also got something to tell you.

Oh...

Excuse me.
Just my Google alert.

Yeah, mine too.
Oh, my God.

TMZ is reporting that
we are having an affair.

That's what I came to tell you.

Yes! Oh, oh!

Yes! Don't ever stop!

Hey, you think
'they're buying it out there?

Oh, trust me.
Half the crew is

on the phone to TMZ already.

Nothing like a bit of juicy gossip

to keep your name in the papers

and get your movie trending.

I'm getting a little nauseous.

How much longer do
we have to keep doing this?

It's only been three minutes.

I have my reputation to think of.

Oh.

You're really good at this
whole fake relationship thing.

- Do you do this regularly?
- Oh, absolutely.

I once carried on
a six-month romance

- with Helena Bonham Carter.
- Oh.

Never met her.

- Big finish?
- Please.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

And... Scene.

Oh, it's just so flattering.

An actor of Emmet's caliber
can have his pick of actresses

to have a fake romance with.

Are you sure you're really faking it,

not faking faking it?

Because it seems like
you genuinely like him.

No, no, no, no, my fakery is sincere.

Well, at least you know
Emmet fake-loves you.

I have no idea how Alec feels about me.

And I can't check my phone
because Joy took it.

Friends don't let friends text stupid.

Oh, you texted him?

Just a few times.

Eight times!
I tried to stop her.

No, you didn't.
All you said was,

"Oh, I don't know, Melanie."

Anyway, he didn't write back,
and I couldn't stand it,

so then I texted...
"Sorry I texted before.

Shouldn't have bothered you
on vacay."

I was sure he'd acknowledge that.

But he didn't, so...
"Hi again.

"I know I said I shouldn't
have texted before,

"but could you just text back 'K'

so I know you're safe?"

- And?
- Nothing.

So to calm down, I had a little wine.

Which brings us to...
"Hey, numbnuts, what gives?"

Excuse me, Joy, Elka and I need help

opening a bottle.

May we please borrow
your big man hands?

Good lord, it's 1,000 degrees in here.

Menopause.

Oh, would you mind
looking over this ad I wrote

for Cleveland GILFS?

Elka doesn't think it's sexy enough.

If this is sexy, I'm Rihanna.

There you go making up words again.

I know, Joy can read it out loud

and then we'll decide.

No, not Joy.

British voices are not sexy.

Oh, really?

Well, I'll just get my reading glasses

and we'll see who's sexy.

If Elka holds the pages
far enough away,

you won't need glasses.

All right.

God, it's hot in here.

Well, take off your sweater.

And I'll point the fan at you.

Hi there.

Are you looking
for some inappropriate fun

with some age-appropriate
women?

Oh, thank God.

- Is that Al...
- Dat, dat, dat!

Ah, it's from Chloe.

Oh, she can't reach Alec either.

- She's texted him ten times.
- Ten times?

Wow.
Talk about needy.

Oh, and she saw on PerezHilton

that Emmet and I are having
a steamy, on-set affair.

Oh, and apparently we're think about

adopting a baby from Malawi.

We are such givers.

So if you're 5'11" or used to be,

enjoy short walks on the beach

and back-friendly
lovemaking,

call Cleveland GILFS.

We put the sex
in "Sexagenarian."

See? Hot.

I was wrong.

I guess there's no fool
like an old fool.

Thank you.

So did we get the old fool on tape?

Let's take a look.

So if you're 5'11"

or used to be...

Put it on the website.

You realize poor Joy
is going to be hit on

by every geezer in town.

Win-Win.

How was school?

How old do I look?

35. Same as me. Why?

All these old men keep
leering and waving at me.

And calling me a "tomato."

They followed me around the mall

like a pack
of slow-moving zombies.

Luckily, I was able to climb
a few stairs and lose them.

Oh, my God, this is great.

Alec just posted to his Facebook page.

"Sorry I'm not returning messages,

but I'm on vacation
and I left my phone at home."

He hasn't seen my texts.

He doesn't think I'm an idiot.

I hate to bring up the obvious,

but he will see them when he gets back.

And before you ask, I will not help you

break into his apartment
so you can delete your messages.

That is a great idea!

You know, between this
and the stair trick,

you're kind of a genius.

Nice try.
But you can't trick Joy Scroggs

into doing something stupid
with a little flattery.

Joy, what are you doing in this ad

for something called "Cleveland GILFS"?

Oh, dear God!

So if you're 5'11" or used to be,

enjoy short walks on the beach

and back-friendly
lovemaking...

Elka, Mamie Sue,
get out here right now!

Well, what do you two have
to say for yourselves?

I'm so sorry.

We never meant for you to find out.

You don't have to date anyone.

You're just there to get
the rubes in the tent.

It's a classic bait and switch.

We were just saying
how smart we were to go with you

instead of Victoria or Melanie.

- Well, that's nice.
- No, it's not.

Hello, everyone.

Wow!

We should have gone with Victoria.

What are you doing all dolled up?

I have a date.

My fake lover is taking me
to a real dinner.

Emmet Lawson is coming here?

Mmhmm.

Victoria, you look glorious!

And, Melanie, you're a vision.

- Oh, and this is Joy.
- Hi.

Has anyone ever told you
you look like Kate Beckinsale?

Yes!

Oh, and this is Elka and Mamie Sue.

Enchante.

Oh, say, "By Odin's sword,

I will make the earth tremble
with my force."

From a little film called
Wars of Asgard.

Yes.

"By Odin's sword,

I will make the earth tremble
with my force."

Now say "Love dies..."

"...but its echoes never do."

From the film A Hymn at Evensong.

A favorite.

Now say, "I don't care who's watching,

I want to take you
right now."

What film is that from?
I don't recall it.

Just say it.

Okay, I think maybe
it's time for us to leave.

Actually, there's something
I need to tell you.

Oh...

Oh, another Google alert.
What have we done now?

We've broken up?

I'm so sorry, Victoria.
Truly.

But my agent said that
you weren't testing very well.

So now I'm having a fake affair
with Heidi Klum...

Whom, I'm told, is very nice.

She is barely in the movie.

Yes, it's a rotten business.

But we still have our real friendship.

Why couldn't I have dumped you?

You know that's not the way it is.

I'm a bigger star.

Just go.

Look, that came out wrong.

You're more than fake hurt, aren't you?

Get out.

As you wish.
Good night.

Oh, honey, are you okay?

No.

You do have real feelings
for him, don't you?

Of course not.

I wouldn't make the rookie mistake

of falling for my co-star,
no matter how handsome

and charming and right he is for me

in hundreds of ways.

I'm just angry because
he cares so little for me

that he can just switch
fake relationships

without any regard for my feelings.

If it's any consolation,

Heidi Klum's not going
to stay with him.

Why do you say that?

She was married to Seal.

And... how to put this?

Once you've had carnal relations

with a gentleman of African descent...

It's quite unusual to go back.

Hurry up before
Alec's neighbors see us.

Don't worry, I got this.

Where did you learn to pick a lock?

A Lifetime Original movie,

Don't Go Breaking Into My Heart.

Oh, Victoria, you got a Google alert.

What's it say?

Nothing.

It's about Emmet, isn't it?
Just read it.

Okay.

"Emmet Lawson linked with Heidi Klum,

tells Victoria chase
'You're out.'"

Oh.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

Yeah, well, he's the one
who's gonna be sorry.

Emmet and I are doing
our behind-the-scenes interview

for the DVD tomorrow,

and I'm not sure that I'm going
to be able to stay civil.

Spoiler alert, I'm not.

And presto.

I don't understand.

It worked every time on the movie.

Excuse me.

I just got a call that three women

were breaking into an apartment.

You look familiar.

You don't.

But you do.

I'm guessing you have a computer.

Yes, I'm their Spokesgilf.

Hey, if you help us out,

maybe you two can make
a love connection.

Melanie!

She needs to get in there
and leave a note

to break up with her boyfriend,

and then she'll be free to date you.

Fine! One dinner.

I'll pick you up at 8:00.

P.M.?

Found it! Found it! Ha!

Delete, delete...

Wow, I am not a good drunk speller.

So long, numbnuts.
Okay, that's done.

So I guess the only logical thing

is for us to get out of here.

We can't leave a man's
apartment without snooping.

No, it's practically expected.

Almost wrong not to.

- Dibs on the medicine cabinet.
- Oh, right behind you.

Mm.

- Ahh!
- Aah!

Who the hell are you?

Uh... Uh...

You know what?
I don't care.

I was gonna dump Alec's stuff
at the front door,

but it was open, so...

Wait, Carmen...

and don't bother yourself
with how I know your name...

um, aren't you supposed to be
in Cozumel with Alec?

He called me at the last
minute and told me not to come.

He said he needed time to think.

Look at me. What is there
to think about?

Oh, my God, you guys, this is great.

Alec left his girlfriend
at home, possibly because of me.

This is fantastic news!

Even better news in here.
Extra-large condoms.

No, never mind.

Just an extra-large box
of condoms.

Victoria, I'll start with you.

How do you feel about working
with Emmet Lawson?

Hm.
How don't I feel?

You know, Emmet has
that rare quality in an actor

of total and complete selfishness.

The man is a consummate fraud...

In a good way.

It's been a treat,
working with Victoria as well.

Her sensitivity
borders on the unhinged...

Also in a good way.

You know, in acting,
you have to be in the moment.

See? That's what
the moment called for.

An excellent example

of that unhinged quality
I mentioned earlier.

In the movie, you play exes
who hate each other

but fall in love again.

How, as actors, do you make
this transition believable?

Yes, well, where there's anger,

there's also usually passion,

and you need to have passion

when you're dealing
with such an infuriating,

albeit beautiful character.

You think that I'm...
I mean,

my character is beautiful?

Of course.
It almost hurts to look at her.

Well, how can this beautiful character

not respond to the dashing man,

no matter how badly he treated her?

Well, he didn't mean
to treat her badly.

In fact, it's the last thing
he'd ever want to do

to somebody he cares about.

Well, if he cared about her,

then why hasn't he told her?

Perhaps she didn't indicate

that she genuinely cares for him.

Well, maybe I'm...
she's old-fashioned

and believes that it's the man's job

to initiate the pursuit.

I'm getting a little lost here.

Oh, shut up.

I was devastated last night

when you went on your date
with Heidi Klum.

Oh, Victoria,
I hated dating Heidi Klum.

Heidi Klum and I are no longer an item.

I'm not surprised.

How to put this?
Once you go black...

Okay, you know what?
It's time for you to go now.

So, here we are.

Yes, here we are.

The prelude to a kiss.

Yes, but...

Ah, the "Yes, but."

Natural caution from two people

who've been here before.

Cards on the table.

I've had numerous failed relationships

and been married four times.

I've been married five times,
not that it's a competition.

On the one hand, we should
proceed with caution.

On the other hand,

I sense your other hand
proceeding with abandon.

"By Odin's sword,

I will make the earth
tremble with my force."

Thank you for your business.

Now, for an extra $50,
we can upgrade you

to a model with bigger headlights.

Must you?

That's okay.
I like 'em scrawny.

Please bring her back

in as close to
original condition as possible.

Shall we, m'lady?

She's going to be a good little earner.

Oh, boy.