Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 3 - Method Man - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

I think we just polished off
an entire box of wine.

Mm, see that's the dangerous
thing about boxed wine.

You can't really tell how much
you've dranken.

Drinken.

- Drunken?
- Drunk?

Little bit.

So Cuyahoga river wine

wants us to make
boxed wine classy.

You know what we need is

some snooty celebrity
to endorse it.



Oh, I bet Victoria
would do it.

God knows she's never
said no to wine.

She'd be good.

Hey, how's her Woody Allen
movie going?

Oh, great.
Oh, guess who they just cast?

Emmet Lawson.

- Seriously?
- Yup.

I love that guy!

He's, like, my favorite actor!

They call him
"the actor's actor"!

Why am I yelling?

Maybe we should call this
"the wine's wine."

Hmm.

Or we could do an L.A. trick.



Slap a black label on it,
Jack up the price,

and create
an artificial shortage.

People go crazy for that.

You are so smart.

I'm glad Chloe's out of town.

This is fun doing this
with you.

Just the two of us.

Oh, no.

I forgot to call Carmen.

Oh, Carmen.

So you're still dating
that model.

Actually, she's a cheerleader
for the Cavs.

So she's limber as well.

Let me just tell her
I'll be there soon.

Yeah, no.
No problem.

It'll give me a chance
to see

if I missed any texts
from my boyfriend.

Oh! No, five.

I didn't know you
were seeing someone.

Oh, yeah, it's new,
but it's super serious.

What's his name?

Um, it's--

- Uhmit?
You mean, Emmet?

Like, Emmet Lawson?

Exactly like Emmet Lawson.

You're dating Emmet Lawson?

Why wouldn't you mention that

when we were just
talking about him?

Because I don't like
to kiss and tell.

And we have done
a lot of kissin',

let me tell ya.

Oh, my God.

Do you think you
could ask him

to represent the wine?

Of course I can ask him.

He's my boyfriend.

I ask him questions
all the time.

Wow.
Emmet Lawson.

You're full of surprises.

Yeah.

Sometimes I surprise myself.

You told him what?

I was drunk.

And there's something
about Alec.

Every time he brings up Carmen,

I get all
jealous and panicky,

and I just want
to one-up him.

So do you think you
could talk to Emmet?

You know,
about endorsing the wine?

Are you crazy?

I haven't even met him yet.

And I'm really, really
nervous about it.

He is
the actor's actor's actor.

I think you added an actor.

No, no.

He's the most respected actor
among actor's actors.

He is that good.

Did you know that before he shot
White Fang,

he actually lived with a pack
of wolves for two months?

- Well, that's nuts.
- No, that's method.

There is no way that
I'm going to ask

an actor of his caliber to sell
some cheap boxed wine.

It's not cheap.

It's black label.
Limited edition.

Really?
Where can I get some?

You can't.
They only made 50 cases.

I have to have it.
I'll pay double.

I'll see what I can do

if you talk to Emmet about
endorsing the wine.

Why don't you just tell Alec
that you asked Emmet

and he said no?

I mean, boyfriends say "no"
all the time.

Mine don't.

You're not doing it right.

What were you thinking?

Call me on the disposable.

Hello, I can't talk right now.

Does this have something
to do

with that money Joy saw?

"Allegedly" saw...

When she was studying.

Morning.

So what do you guys think?

I went shopping
at Forever 21.

I'm guessing
"The Menopause Barn" was closed?

I know somehow you're fitting
into school

even though you haven't changed
your look

since the invention
of the Bedazzler.

But I'm going for something
a little more collegiate.

I just want to blend in.

I don't want people
to look at me

and think,
what's she doing here?

I'm looking at you
and thinking

why is she wearing
that hideous purse?

It's not a purse.

Nobody at school
carries purses anymore.

- This is a messenger bag.
- Hmm.

What do you carry in there?

My purse.

Victoria Chase.

Allow me to introduce myself.
I am--

- Sir Emmet Lawson.
- At your service.

As soon as I saw your name
on the call sheet,

I rushed over
to say hello

because I'm a huge fan
of your work.

Oh.
I am hugely thrilled

that one of the world's most
celebrated actors

actually watched my little Emmy
award-winning performance

on Edge of Tomorrow.

Actually,
I was referring

to your many Lifetime Original movies.

Pageant Mom Murder,
The Two Mrs. Finklesteins,

A Kidney For Sister Sarah.

Every one, a precious jewel.

Well, I am just thrilled

that we get to play together
and with Woody Allen.

But what if
it's one of his bad ones?

Melinda and Melinda?
No, thank you. No, thank you.

It can't possibly be bad
if we're in it.

Excellent point.

You know, I believe you and I
are going

to become great friends.

Would you wear this?

I might tie it around
my finger

if I needed to remember
something.

It's a gift for Carmen.

We're headed to Cozumel
for a long weekend.

Really?

Well, uh, me and Emmet
are going away

for the long weekend too.

Only we're not gonna
need bathing suits

'cause we're gonna be naked.

So naked.

Why are you telling me this?

I really don't know.

Hey, um, listen.
About the other night...

I know we'd been drinking,

and we were having fun--
a lot of fun.

- Mm-hmm.
- But I want to apologize.

I don't think I was being
entirely professional.

I mean, we're both
in committed relationships.

Right?

Right.

Big time.

So we're good?

Yeah.

Oh, hey.

What did Emmet say about
endorsing the wine?

Oh, yeah.
I asked him and he said no.

You know, sometimes boyfriends
say "no."

Hey, what if you brought him
by here for lunch?

I know I could persuade him.

I mean, not to brag,
but people have

a hard time saying no to me.

What do you say?

Okay.

Okay.

I did it again.

I told Alec that I would bring
Emmet by for lunch.

Why on earth would you
do that?

I don't know,
I just like him so much

I can't help but lie to him.

- You know how it is.
- Yeah, yeah, I do.

And actually,
I might be able

to talk to Emmet
for you.

It turns out that
we have a lot in common.

He's a huge fan of my work.

Why?

I mean, great.
Not surprising at all.

So not shocked.

I hate school,
and I'm never going back,

and you can't make me.

Honey, what happened?

No one makes any attempt
to talk to me

or acknowledge my existence.

They're all so cool with their
piercings and tattoos.

Well, at least you got Elka.

She's one of the mean girls.

I saw her with
her study group friends,

and they totally snubbed me.

Now, Joy,
I'm gonna tell you

what I used to tell my kids

when they had a problem
like this.

Talk to your therapist,
Mommy's in a movie.

Victoria.

Oh, it's Emmet.

We just got our script,

and I asked him to come by
to run lines.

- You call for me?
- Oh, Sir Emmet Lawson. Hello.

I would like to introduce you
to my friends--

Why would I want to be
in the same trailer as you,

let alone the same universe?

I'm sorry?

You're sorry?
Typical.

You're always sorry,
aren't you?

Well, I'm sorry
I ever met you.

I don't understand.

No.
You never do.

What was that?

I don't know.

You didn't ask him
about lunch.

I don't understand
what just happened.

This morning
he was my biggest fan

and now he hates me.

What's odd is he said
you "always" do this.

How could you "always"
do anything

if you've only just met him?

I don't know,
and I have no idea

why he's acting this way.

Acting.

In the script he's
my ex-husband, who hates me.

Now, maybe he's doing that
whole method acting thing,

and he's just treating me
like his ex-wife.

- Oh, of course.
- That's it.

Yeah, but what if it's not?

What if he just hates me?

I can't go through the next
three months not knowing.

Well, you're gonna have to

unless Woody magically decides
to rewrite the movie

and turns your characters
into a loving couple.

Interesting.

I was saying that
as an example

of something that's not
going to happen.

Yeah, but--

but what if I wrote a scene

where our characters get along

and I slipped it
into Emmet's script

and that way I'll find out
if he hates me

or if he's just being method.

And once I find out,

then I just make the improved
script go away.

Really?
You're seriously considering

rewriting Woody Allen?

She already referred to it
as an "improved" scene.

It's not like it's gonna be
in the movie.

Although one never knows.

Do you even know how to write?

Well, of course.

You forget I was married
to Aaron Sorkin's cousin.

And I wrote
my own Wikipedia bio.

And I just put a pencil
behind my ear.

Were any of those a "yes?"

Oh.

Hi, Joy.

Hi.
Joy Scroggs.

From economics.

Hey, what's up?

Just chillaxin'.
Keeping it real.

Gettin' my homework on.

Oh, geez.

So... What were you
laughing about?

Elka says there's some girl
who carries a purse

inside her messenger bag.

Oh, how sad and random.

It's so hot in here.

Whoo.

What's on your neck?

Oh, this?
I just got inked.

You got a tattoo?

It's oozing pus.

Spider said there might be
some weeping.

It's pretty gross.

You have to keep disinfectant
on it.

The same thing happened

when my mom got
her mid-life tattoo.

Did you just turn 50?

Now we're gonna see
some weeping.

Hey, Melanie.
It's me.

Our experiment didn't work.

I dropped off the fake scene,

but I haven't seen Emmet
all day.

You should probably
just tell Alec

that you and Emmet broke up.

Victoria.

I'm so glad you're here.

Really? You are?

Oh, did--did you get
the new scene?

I did which is why
I'm quitting the movie.

What?

It's hands down
the worst thing I've ever read.

Rife with spelling errors,

makes no sense at all.

Definitely one of Woody's
bad ones.

I thought the scene was quite
brilliant.

Bollocks.

It's even worse than
that play

Aaron Sorkin's cousin wrote.

No.

Woody's obviously lost it.

I suggest you call your agent
and get off this movie

before you get fired.

Fired?

The scene calls
for your role

to be played by
a stunning 30-something.

Obviously, he's going
to recast you.

I could pass
for 30-something.

Oh, sweet Victoria.

I'm so pleased you haven't lost
your sense of humor

through all of this.

I bid you adieu.

I'm sure our paths
will cross again.

Wait!

I wrote that scene.

Come again?

Being on this movie is
a dream come true for me.

I have such enormous respect
for you,

and I'm just very insecure

about working with an actor
of your caliber.

And I-I just needed
to know that

it wasn't you hating me,
it was the method.

You darling little lunatic.

Please tell me
you won't quit.

Please tell me
you won't write.

Deal.

And I know that you have to go
back into character,

and I promise that I won't take
it personally.

Well, we'll see
if I can't adjust my methods

so I'm not quite so gruff,
hmm?

Thank you.

It's just fear, you know.

The whole immersing myself
into the character thing.

That way,
if the performance fails,

it's the character's fault,
not my own.

That is so honest.

And deep.

I know.

But because of that,

I'm often labeled as difficult.

I understand.

People say that
I'm difficult too.

But beyond my hysterical demands
for a larger trailer,

I'm just a little girl looking
for love.

Thank you for sharing that.

You know,

I believe you and I
are two sides

of the same coin.

A very rare
and beautiful coin.

Well, I suppose
all your friends are out there

having a nice laugh about me
right now.

Look, you're at an awkward
age for college.

That's all.

What about you?

They all love you.

Because I'm 90.

I'm a novelty.

I'm also genuinely cool.

And I'm their mum's age.

No one wants their mum
hanging out with them,

or worse, acting like them.

- You can't take it personally.
- Of course not.

I guess I just have
to accept

that the social part of college
won't be for me.

Well, you're not missing much.

In my day,
we knew how to party.

Well, you certainly left
a mess at Stonehenge.

This is why I can't
be nice to you.

Hey, guys.
Zack texted me.

What did he say?

He wants me to come to
his dorm room and hang out.

Is this the guy you hooked up
with a couple of weeks ago

who never called back?

Yes.

You know, maybe...

He's looking for something
serious after all.

Oh, dear God.

What?

Look, it's none
of my business,

but that's not someone looking
for something serious.

That's a booty call,
plain and simple.

Just sayin'.

You don't even know Zack.

How do I look?

Doesn't matter how you look.

Zack wants you to come there
and take your clothes off.

That's how
he wants you to look.

In economics, when something
is in demand,

what is the quickest way
to diminish its value?

- Flood the market.
- Exactly.

And if you go over
to Zach's dorm

based on
a let's-hang-out text,

what do you think that's
gonna do to your value?

Make it plummet.

Precisely.

It's a classic example
of Keynesian theories

of market fungibility.

Hey, I understand economics.

Can I ask you something?

What if a guy tells you
he can't see you because--

He's lying.

How do you know?

Because if a guy really wants
to see you,

he will find a way
to see you.

What if a guy said he wants

to take a break
for a little while?

Oh, cut him loose.

He's already banging
your roommate.

Next.

No, no, no, no.

One at a time,
one at a time.

Is that all you're taking?

Ah, it's a beach vacation.
You don't need much.

Yeah?

Well, Emmet and I aren't packing
much either

'cause we're going
on an all-nude snowboarding--

ugh, never mind.

So is Emmet coming by?

Yeah, that's what I came
to talk to you about.

See, um,

Emmet and I broke up.

Melanie, my love!

E-Emmet Lawson.
Oh, my God.

I mean, uh, hello.
My lover.

I mean, I thought I dumped you,
buddy.

Melanie, my sweet.

Don't break up
with me, please.

Give me another chance
to win your heart.

Okay.

I'm so glad you're here,
Mr. Lawson.

Oh, please.
Mr. Lawson is my father.

I am Sir Emmet.

And you must be Alec,

purveyor of fine wine served
in cardboard.

It's a pleasure
to meet you.

I would love for you
to try our wine.

Do you have a second?

Well, as Peter O'Toole
once said to me,

"Emmet, never turn down free--"

and then he passed out.

But I'm sure he was gonna
say "wine."

Oh, my God.
What are you doing here?

Victoria brought me up
to speed on the whole story.

Oh, if he brings up
nude snowboarding,

act like it's a real thing.

I've done it.

Really?

- That's acting.
- Oh.

So glad you're here.

I am such a huge fan
of your work.

As am I.

Now pull open the valve
on that carton

and let us drink deeply
from Bacchus' treasure.

Now the beauty of
Cuyahoga river wine--

Let's let the wine
do the talking.

I love it.
I will endorse this wine.

That's fantastic news.

This is my agent.
You are aware of my fees.

I imagine they're high.

I wouldn't be bringing it up
if they were low.

Thank you.
I'll call him.

Now I hate to run,

but I've got a plane
to catch.

And--and listen,

I can't you enough
for your time.

Anything for my Melanie.

I am a lucky man,
aren't I?

You most certainly are.

Thank you!

And I'm Melanie by the way.

Sir Emmet Lawson
at your service.

You really like this guy, huh?

Oh, yeah.

And it's really so stupid

because he's totally involved
with another woman.

And I can't get him out
of my head.

And then
I come here every day,

and he's
all I think about.

I know a little
of what you speak.

You do?

When I spent all those months
living with the wolves,

there was
this one blue-eyed beauty

that really caught my eye.

One of the wolves?

Of course not.

My costar, Cameron Diaz.

What's wrong with you?

Hey.
I saw your boss in the hallway.

He is cute.

Really?
In--in the hallway?

- When?
- Just now outside the door.

Oh, my God.
What if he heard us?

Victoria, do that thing where we
check if someone can hear.

If she can hear
what I'm saying,

I am totally screwed.

You are totally screwed.