Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 2 - A Midwinter Night's Sex Comedy - full transcript

Isn't Wilbur beautiful?

Yes.

He doesn't look
a thing like you.

He's got my ears.

Don't worry.
He can get those pinned back.

Good morning.

Wow, that's some outfit.

Is it
"take the girls to work" day?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

This is perfectly appropriate
office attire.

If you're secretly in love
with your boss.



I thought your plan was to fight
your attraction to Alec.

It is.

And I wasn't even thinking
about Alec

when I put on
my do-me bra

and my do-me dress
and my do-me shoes.

Oh, Wilbur,
don't look at me like that.

[Baby coos]

Okay, I'm lying.

What is it
about that sweet smile

that just cuts
right through the B.S.?

And makes you want to be
a better person.

I didn't even
put whiskey

on my oatmeal
this morning.

All right,
Wilbur.



I put
less whiskey.

Wilbur, I promise
to get through this day

without flirting
with my boss.

Although
what if I told you

he's been a little flirty
with me?

Okay, you're right.
You're right.

For once, I'm gonna forget
the guy and focus on my career.

Maybe it's
the oatmeal talking,

but that kid
makes sense.

Well, I really am focusing
on my work.

I'm a little loopy
'cause I was up until 2:00 a.m.

trying to come up
with P.R. Slogans

to attract people
to Cleveland.

I'll tell you, there is
no place like Cleveland

if you want
to get fat.

There's a winner.

You want
to gain weight?

Oh,
these aren't groceries.

These are Oscar bait.

Like Charlize Theron
and Renee Zellweger,

I have been asked by my director
to gain weight for a movie.

Woody Allen requests it,
the Academy respects it,

and the Oscar display case
that I built 20 years ago

could really use it.

That's my dream, to have
someone demand I gain weight.

Preferably George Clooney
in a tuxedo

in his villa
in Lake Como,

holding a platter
of cannoli,

"Mangia, mangia."

He's probably just trying
to get you to stop talking.

Grandma?

Nah,
too old-fashioned.

Granny?

What am I,
a Clampett?

Nana?
Yeah.

Strong, sexy,
with just a hint of danger.

Nana is gonna be with you
every step of the way,

from preschool
to college.

And you will go to college,
Wilbur.

Oh, I know,
I never graduated.

And...
[Chuckles]

You're right,
I have time now.

And, yes, I realize
Cleveland State

is only
a couple of miles away.

How do you know
these things?

Where are you off to?

Just out.

Why are you being
so evasive?

You've been going "just out"
a lot lately.

What are you up to?

If I told you,
I'd have to kill you.

I'm torn.

- Good morning, Alec.
- Melanie, good morning.

You are looking
lovely today.

Oh,
I wasn't trying to.

You have an interesting way
of taking a compliment.

Thank you.

That one wasn't really
a compliment.

Oh, sorry.
[Chuckles]

Boy, you sure are cute
when you blush.

I didn't mean to be.

Biscotti?

Oh, no, I shouldn't.

Oh, come on.
Mangia, mangia.

Okay.

[Thunder]

Wow.

Yeah, Chloe is not
gonna be happy about this.

We were just sharing
a biscotti.

No, Chloe is afraid
of thunder and heights,

the color orange,
but the word "blue."

Do not mix that up.

Wow.

Well, listen, all beautiful
women are crazy, right?

Well, Chloe is
very beautiful, yes.

That time,
I was talking about you.

Oh, thank you.
Or how dare you!

I'm so confused.
[Laughs]

Let's get to work,
shall we?

The Ohio Wine Council
wants a venue

for their new chardonnay launch,
someplace romantic.

Yeah.
And I was thinking Ferullo's.

Ooh, I've never been.

Tell you what, how about you
and I check it out Thursday?

Say, drinks at 7:00?

Yeah.
Sounds great.

- It's a date.
- A date.

- Morning.
- Chloe, hi!

Oh, Alec. That thunder.
Hold me!

The thunder is over,
Chloe.

Come on, you know you want me.
I'm your wife.

Ex-wife.

I could be
your X-rated wife.

That's a nice thought, but we
both know that our marriage

ended with an R-rating
for strong language

and unpleasant
adult situations.

I'm gonna go grab some coffee.
Ladies.

He is so handsome.
Why did I ever divorce him?

Yeah, why did you?

I was young and foolish
and wanted to land a big account

and didn't think
he'd be home so early.

You had an affair
to get an account?

It was
a top-three tire company.

Don't make it
sound cheap.

Melanie,
I'm worried.

When I flirt with Alec,
he always flirts back,

but lately,
nothing.

And obviously,
I can still bring it,

so I'm pretty sure
he's falling for someone else.

You really think so?

I mean, you know,
why would I care?

Well, you care
because I'm your boss,

and I'm ordering you
to find out

who this ex-husband-stealing
bitch is.

I need you to be
on top of Alec every minute.

Gladly.

I mean,
um, I'll--

I'll do him--
I'll do it!

So what are you gonna do
to her when you find her?

[Clicks tongue]
Great thing about Ohio,

everybody's got
a wood chipper.

[Thunder]

I'm scared.

Me too.

- So basically...
- Hmm?

Chloe's asking me
to spy on myself.

- What are you gonna do?
- No idea.

You're sure you're the one
he's interested in?

I am.

He looked at me
the way I'm looking

at this third cupcake.

For me,
it's all about the French fries.

Oh, come to mommy, you salty,
greasy bit of heaven.

I'm gonna put you
in my mouth.

I bet you wish
you had a dime

for every time
you've said that.

All right, you two.
That's enough, no fighting.

Now I want to thank you all
for supporting me

by gaining
a solidarity pound.

Oh, it's so liberating
to be able to just pig out.

Yum!

Victoria, all you ate
was a sprinkle.

[Mouth full]
Delicious.

It's still in your mouth,
isn't it?

Not anymore.

Well, that just went
straight to my thighs.

I thought you wanted
to gain weight for this part.

Well, I do,
but it's just such hard work.

It's not hard!
It's a cupcake.

It's literally
a piece of cake.

I mean, I could eat them
in my sleep.

I do eat them
in my sleep.

And then I wake up horrified
from the dream,

and then I'm mad at myself
for not enjoying it

because it was just a dream,
for God's sakes!

But go on,
you said you had food issues.

What's the big deal?
Just eat.

I can't do this.

Poor Victoria.

She's always been thin.

This is totally
out of her comfort zone.

Yeah.

Maybe it's good
to get out of your comfort zone.

I mean,
I'm always worried

about consequences
and planning ahead.

You know what?

I'm just gonna let
things happen with Alec.

Let the chips fall
where they may.

Oh!
Chips.

Well, if we're all breaking
free of our comfort zones,

I'm thinking
about going back to college.

It's always bothered me
that I didn't finish,

and I want to set
a good example for Wilbur.

That's fantastic!

Is nobody gonna say
the obvious?

She's too old.

All right.
This should explain everything.

I wore these to Camp
New Beginnings when I was 10.

You went to fat camp?

No, it was a sports camp
for fat kids.

You never told us.

Yeah, well, I blocked
a lot of that time out.

But I still remember

what the other kids
at school called me.

"Thicktoria Chase"

or "Victoria chases
an ice cream truck."

Also, "Lardass."

[Laughs]

But with hard work,
by the end of that summer,

I went from "Thicktoria"
to "Sticktoria."

And I keep
these pants around

just to remind me
never to get fat again.

And now I have
the role of a lifetime,

and I can't eat the rolls
to make it happen.

Why don't you just chew
the scenery like you usually do?

Why cant you just talk
to Woody, explain the situation?

Yeah, maybe he'll say
it's not a big deal.

Well, I guess it couldn't hurt
to ask, right?

[Thunder]

[Phone ringing]

Oh, boy.

Hi, Chloe.

She's afraid
of thunder.

Oh, no, oh, no,
oh, no!

- Hold me.
- Oh, okay.

It's gonna be okay, Chloe.

I miss Alec.

He was
such a good thunder buddy.

At the first crack of lighting,
he'd swoop me up,

carry me to bed,
and hold me all night.

[Both sigh]

He seems like
he'd be really great at...

Thunder buddy-ing.

Alec was
the perfect husband,

and I ruined it.

Any information on that slut
he's interested in?

No, no.

Do you have any idea
who the slut could be?

[Sighs]
I overheard him

on the phone
talking to his brother

about a curvy brunette
with a killer smile.

Killer smile, huh?

Mm, did he say
anything else?

No.

I feel like I can trust you,
Melanie.

[Inhales deeply]

Yeah, you can.

Listen, I will find
this hot brunette.

I didn't say hot.

Well, yeah,
but she sounds

like she's got
a lot going for her.

I will find her
and tell her to forget

about Alec.

It's a lost cause.

You're a bad thunder-buddy
but you're a good spy,

and that's more important
in a friend.

[Sighs]

Hey, the rain stopped.

Oh, thank God.

You can go now.

Well, it's 2:00
in the morning.

We're done here.
Scoot!

Melanie, I left three messages
with Woody's assistant,

and he never
called me back.

[Thunder]

Oh, the lights in my trailer
just went out.

[Knock at door]

Hello, Miss Chase?
Are you in there?

Oh, my God!
It's Woody!

I gotta go.
Uh, come in.

With all the thunder,

I just wanted to make sure
you were safe.

Oh, well,
that's so sweet.

Well, can you believe
this Cleveland weather?

La-di-dah!
La-di-dah.

In the late '60s, I tried
to become a weatherman.

This was shortly
after the Black Panthers

turned down
my application.

Apparently, I had
the fierce heart of a radical

but threw a Molotov cocktail
like a girl.

Look, I am so grateful
to be a part of this film,

but, um, I'm just
really struggling

with the concept
of gaining weight for the role.

It would be a shame
to desecrate

such a beautiful figure.

On the other hand, I want to
do anything I can to please you.

Well,
that sounds promising.

You slept
with Woody Allen?

Yes, and I feel terrible
about it.

I-I don't know
what came over me.

I can't say I approve, but did
he at least change the part,

so you don't have
to gain weight?

Well, he said
he'd see what he could do.

I just have to make it
very clear to him

that I cannot sleep
with him again.

Oh, it's just such a cliche
to have an affair

with your director.

Or your boss.

There is nothing
going on here.

Chloe guilted me right back
to my comfort zone.

I mean, I'm still gonna see
Alec tomorrow night,

but if anything
romantic happens,

I'm just gonna tell him
I can't.

Not right away,
of course,

'cause I'm still allowed
a little flirting, right?

Hey, where have you been?
[Door closing]

Out.
Humiliating myself.

So just out.

What happened?

Wilbur talked me
into registering for college,

and now I'm questioning
the whole thing.

Oh, honey, why?

Everyone looked at me
like I was someone's mom

or a teacher
or a teacher's mom.

I overheard
one girl say,

"if I'm still in school
when I'm that old, kill me."

They obviously think I'm some
desperate, middle-aged woman

trying to do something
with her life.

Kids can be
so cruel.

And so right.

I'm sorry, Wilbur.
I'm not going back.

[Baby fusses]

Oh, no.
Did I just make him frown?

I can't be responsible
for his first wrinkle.

All right,
I'll do it.

[Baby giggles]

You know, this Cuyahoga river
chardonnay, despite its name,

is actually--it's pretty good.
- Mmm.

I'm getting notes of citrus
and Anjou pear and honeysuckle.

That's impressive.
How do you do that?

- I read the label.
- [Laughs]

It's a little trick
I learned to impress women.

Also,
it may contain sulfites.

- Very sexy.
- [Laughs]

Man, you've got
a killer smile.

So I've heard.

I mean--
[Clears throat] Thank you.

This place really
is romantic.

Mm-hmm.

So the client said
they wanted the kind of place

where you take someone
when you want them

to fall in love
with you, right?

I could certainly see falling
in love here, couldn't you?

Yeah,
I could see that.

Alec, um--
[Clears throat]

I'm sorry, Alec.
This isn't gonna work.

Why not?

Well, we have
some pretty big obstacles here.

Well, I suppose so.

I don't usually go
for something so old.

Excuse me?

Th--this restaurant,
it's got a lot of charm.

Oh, the restaurant.

Yeah, no,
the restaurant's perfect, um--

Oh, my date is here.
She's early.

Your date?

Yeah.
Right over there.

Curvy brunette
with a killer smile...

Who's so young.

Yeah, that's great.

Good for you!
I'd hit that. [Laughs]

- You're funny.
- Uh-huh.

Yeah, I figured I was going
to be here with you on business,

why not meet her
for dinner after?

For pleasure.
Makes perfect sense.

- This was fun.
- Yeah.

I'm almost sorry
she came early.

No, I think she came
at just the right time.

- Tomorrow then.
- Tomorrow.

Notes of humiliation
and defeat.

- So that's her.
- [Coughs]

Chloe,
what are you doing here?

I overheard him make
reservations, so I followed him.

You beat me to it.
Good job.

Oh, yeah, right.
That, yeah.

And you know, as soon
as he saw me tailing him,

well, you know,
I had to join him for a drink.

For a second,
when I saw your car in the lot,

I thought
you were his mystery woman.

Yeah, like he'd be
interested in me.

Right.
It seems so obvious now.

[Sighs]

I hate her.

Me too.

You know,
on your behalf.

So now that we know
the truth,

I guess maybe
we can just move on.

Are you kidding?

He'll never be happy
with that young piece of fluff.

- So there's hope?
- Oh, there's hope.

I'll get him back.
Team Chloe, right?

Yeah.
Team Chloe!

You said it weird.

Welcome to Econ 101.
I'm Professor Oliver.

I see we have
a senior citizen among us.

Excuse me?

But I am hardly
a senior citizen.

So clearly you're making some
kind of a joke at my expense.

Well, I'm not gonna put up
with it.

Not from you,
Professor,

or you,
smirky frat boy,

or you,
snarky, neck-tattoo girl.

Oh, that's gonna look good
in 30 years.

And frankly,
Professor,

I would think
that someone who shaves

his head to hide
his premature baldness

would be a little more sensitive
to the fact

that I clearly do not want
to draw attention to myself!

[Clears throat]

I think
he was talking to me.

[Knock at door]
Sweetheart?

Hello?

- We need to talk.
- I--

You're not Woody.

Victoria,
it's me, Gary.

Gary?

I haven't been able to stop
thinking about our love-making.

It was
far too brief,

for which
I apologize.

I'm sorry, but I have
absolutely no idea who you--

Oh, my God.

I slept
with a crew member.

- No offense.
- None taken.

But wait,
we talked about the script.

You said you'd see
what you could do.

I did,
I did.

I spoke to Woody, and you don't
have to gain a single pound.

Being an assistant director
has its perks.

Who did you think
I was?

Oh, surely I'm not the first
to notice that,

in the right light
or no light at all,

you sound exactly
like Woody Allen.

Look, he's had the same crew
for the last 30 years.

When you work
with a man that long,

I suppose it's only logical
that some of his mannerisms,

you know,
might rub off.

Deshawn, what's up?

Gary...

I'm afraid
there's been a minor incident

in the makeup trailer.

So why, Elka?

Why didn't you tell me
you were in school?

I have my reasons.

And why economics?

What have you got
up your Kleenex-filled sleeve?

None of your business.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, my God.

What's all this money?

What money?