Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 1 - That Changes Everything - full transcript

- Last season
on Hot In Cleveland...

- How 'bout it, sweet cheeks?

Want to hit the town?

- You're interested in me?

- Haven't you noticed

that I've been hitting on you
relentlessly

for the past 20 years?

- Well, at least you got
a new boyfriend.

- Hold it down.

He's asleep upstairs.

- Oh, my God.



- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God.

We have a baby.

What do we do?

- Margarita.

- Great idea.
I'll make a pitcher.

- Drinking now?
Really?

- Actually, Margarita
was my children's nanny.

I guess when I saw the baby,

my maternal instinct
just kicked in.

- What kind of a monster
leaves a baby on a doorstep?

- That would be me, Mom.

- Owen!

- Sorry, I had so much stuff
I made two trips.



- So this is your baby?

I have a grand...

- Son.

- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Everybody, this is my grandson!

Owen, why didn't you tell me?

The last time we spoke,
the big news in your life

was that you'd given up gluten.

- Oh, good for you!

- A few weeks ago, a girl that
I had a one-night stand with

suddenly showed up
on my doorstep with a baby.

She said that she couldn't
take care of him.

So it was either me,
or put Wilbur up for adoption.

I needed time to think.

- The time to think

was before you named him Wilbur.

- I am so sorry
to dump this on you,

but now that my folks are gone,

I didn't know
who else to turn to.

- Oh, honey,
I'm glad you came to me.

Oh...
Oh, no, he's crying.

- Holy Cher, it's a baby!

- He stopped crying!

- Of course he did.

My voice is very soothing
to babies.

It's like a lullaby.

- Pierre, that's
my good silk robe.

- Oh, I know—I've got one
at home just like it.

- Um, is he your boyfriend?

- Oh, good God, no.

- He's my boyfriend.

- ♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

- Oh, I love the name Wilbur.

I think it's strong and unique.

What's Owen's last name again?

- Burr.

So... Wilbur Burr.

- Your five minutes are up.

My turn to hold the baby.

Hello.

Mmm, new baby smell.

Brings me right back.

One minute you're young,
holding your babies,

then poof...

They're on their own,
and suddenly so are you.

Time just goes by so quickly.

- Ding!

All right, hand him over.

- No, the timer didn't go off.

- Yes, but new baby smell
is turning you

into philosophical,
red wine Melanie

instead of cheerful,
white wine Melanie.

- I'm sorry.
Babies make me think about life.

Now that I'm all caught up
on The Good Wife,

I could use another challenge.

- This is nice.

You know, being a working mom,
I didn't get to do this enough.

Hey, Will.

So what do you think
Owen's going to do?

- Well, it's his decision,

and I'll support
whatever he chooses.

Oh, but, God,
I hope he keeps him.

Oh...

30 years ago, I gave away
a little boy just like him.

And I can't bear
to go through that again.

Ding! My turn.

- You know, you could
make his decision a lot easier

by showing him
that he'll get plenty of help

from the perfect grandmother.

- Or grandmothers.

- And one surprisingly
youthful aunt.

Or older sister,
in the right lighting.

- You know, you're right.

Not about the older
sister thing.

That's just insane.

But the idea could work.

I'm gonna be
the perfect grandmother.

- And you can start by taking
all the night feedings.

- Night feedings?
What are those?

Once you turn off
the baby monitor,

they sleep till morning.

Not a peep.

- Man, oh, Manilow.

Where's the baby?

- Oh, my God, where's Wilbur?

- Where could he be?

- Maybe the dingo ate it.

- Guess who just got a part
in a Woody Allen movie?

- Oh, thank God,
he's with Victoria.

- You should've told us.

- All right, I'll answer.

I got a part
in a Woody Allen movie.

- Is he okay?
Did you feed him?

- Oh, he's fine.

He's been napping
for the last hour.

- Well, I've got
to get to the salon.

That saucy minx,
Mrs. Walbaum,

is begging me
to give her a shag.

- You better mean the haircut.

- Don't hate the stylist, baby.

Hate the game.

- Will I see you tonight?

- Oh, tonight...

You know, I'm not sure.

I'll call you.

- Was that a brush-off?

Joy, you're the expert.

Was that a brush-off?

- Yes, it was a brush-off!

Now, who's gonna congratulate me
on my movie?

- Congratulations, Victoria.

- How did you get it?

- Well, last night
I was thinking,

if Wilbur got a job here,
then he'd have to stay.

So I went online,
and I looked up baby auditions.

- You took my grandson
on an audition?

- Well, what parent doesn't
want their child to be a star?

- Oh, right.

Oh, those kids turn out great.

- Anyway,
Wilbur blew his audition,

but I got a part.

- Still, you shouldn't
have scared me like that.

- Oh, Wilbur was perfectly fine.

He hasn't even cried once.

- That's not Wilbur.

- Are you sure?
We just met him yesterday.

- He's black, you idiot.

- Okay, we're here.
Where is he?

- I don't know.

Maybe we should think
like detectives,

look for clues.

- Oh, my God, where's my baby?

This isn't my baby.

- There's one.

- Well, that's a relief.

Are you still checking your
phone to see if Pierre called?

- The man's been hitting on me
for 20 years.

And now it's "I'll call you."

- We've all been there.

- Well, I haven't.

How do you get
the upper hand back?

- Well, the classic way

would be to make him jealous
with another guy.

Do you know someone?

- His brother, Etienne.

He's even less traditionally
masculine than Pierre.

- Seriously?

You can't even get a wheatgrass
smoothie in this town?

Cleveland blows.

- Listen, sister—
- Elka, I'll handle this.

Excuse me.
Cleveland does not blow.

- Are you kidding?
The humidity is disgusting.

And what kind of city
doesn't have a Four Seasons?

Even Baltimore
has a Four Seasons.

- Okay, you want
to talk four seasons,

we have got a beautiful,
snow-white winter,

a spring so green you'll cry
at the first crocus,

and a lakeside summer
so sweet you'll swear

that Norman Rockwell
was sitting right there...

- Security!

- I'll handle this.

- And Cleveland also has
gorgeous security...

for some odd reason.

- Chloe Powell.

How would you like to work
for me?

- Oh, in security?

I'd be terrible.
I'm a truster.

- No, my company develops
campaigns to promote Cleveland.

And the spin you just
put on this town was pure magic.

- Are you really
offering me a job?

Because I was just telling
my girlfriends last night...

- It's just a job.
Don't make it a thing.

Walk and talk.
- Okay.

I got a job!

- Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

So basically,
you've done nothing.

- Well, I raised two children.

I like to think of myself
as an accomplished home manager.

- I like to think of myself
as pushing 40.

And you'll think of me
that way too

if you know what's good for you.

- Yeah, I'm also pushing 40.

- No, you're not.

Thank you, Laura.

Final question.

How would you solve world peace?

- I don't know.

I mean, I don't even know
if it is solvable.

- And that's exactly
what I said 21 years ago

as Miss Ohio
to Mr. Gary Collins.

But those Miss America bastards
couldn't handle the truth.

I came in second place!

- Oh, my God!

You were first runner-up!

- Yes!

And those 364 days

I waited for Miss New Jersey
to croak or do nudies

were the longest days
of my life.

Melanie, I like your shoes.

They say power, style,
confidence...

Take them off.

- Seriously?

- Yes, I want to wear them
to my meeting with the mayor.

Hmm.

They really look better
with your blouse.

Good one.

Boy, he's cute.

I'd flirt if I wasn't barefoot
and wearing a flowered tarp.

I look like a crazy person.

I need some subtle way
to let him know I'm not crazy.

I'm not crazy.

- Me either.

- I-I know I look crazy,

but this isn't even my jacket.

I borrowed it after my new boss
made me take off my blouse.

For work reasons.

I would've borrowed shoes too,

except everybody else's feet
were way smaller than mine.

Not that my feet are big.

It's just it was an office
full of freakishly small feet.

You know, and it was a new job,

and my feet swell
when I get nervous,

and it's really important
to make a good first impression.

Don't you think?

- Tall building.

- Big news.

I just got the first page
of the script.

Listen to my first line.

"People like us"...

Wait—is it "People like us"
or " People, like us."

- Well, what's the line before?

- Well, he only sent
the one line.

There's no context.

I mean, I've got
to make this thing sing.

You know—
Maybe he wants me to sing.

♪ People like us ♪

- He doesn't want you to sing.

- I got a job!

- In that jacket?

- My boss made me
take my top off.

- Been there.

- Oh, my God, Joy.

Why is there a stripe
on Wilbur's face?

- Oh, just the littlest mix-up

with baby wipes
and tanning wipes.

But look what I'm doing now.

I'm turning
his precious footprint

into a timeless memory
in cement.

- Oh, no.

- Why isn't it coming off?

- It's stuck.

Melanie, Google:

"Baby foot stuck in cement,"
#NoOne'sFault

- What's all the commotion?

- Elka, your hair.

- Etienne did it.

At Etienne's House of Hair.

Formerly Supercuts.

- Oh, no, Wilbur, give me that.
- What?

- You dropped a black marker
in the bassinet.

- He looks like Hitler!

- He does not look like Hitler.

He looks like Charlie Chaplin
in The Great Dictator.

- Where he played Hitler.

- I think this'll knock
the plaster off his foot.

- No!
- No, no, back away.

I just need to give him
one good smack.

- Whoa!
Wait.

Stop.
What are you doing?

- Just taking care of the baby.

- Who thinks this is
how you take care of a baby?

- People like us?

People like us.

- Again, I am so, so sorry.

- It's okay.
You meant well.

- Look.

I know, the first time
you came here,

we shot you.

And then we lost your baby

and gave him a cement foot

and a Hitler mustache.

But I swear, normally,
things are so quiet here.

It's just four grandmother types
hanging out.

- Where the hell is
that two-timing hussy?

Elka!

Sweet peaches and herb,
it's true!

- Pierre, my fun,
modern hairstyle and I

weren't expecting you.

- I know who did this to you...

My brother, Etienne.

- Yes, and he's gonna keep
doing it to me every week.

- You know you need it done
more than once a week.

- Not the way he does it.

- If you are trying
to make me jealous,

it's not working!

- I'd say it's working
just fine.

- Well, that happened.

- It's okay.

Wilbur slept through it.

I get it now.

- What?

What you went through.

How hard it must have been
for you to give me up.

- It was horrible.

- I used to think,

"How could she not love me
enough to keep me?"

Now I know that you loved me
enough to give me away.

- It helped to think

that I was giving someone else
an amazing gift.

- The ironic thing is,

I should be able
to figure this out.

You know, as an actuary.

- Yes.

- Still don't know
what that is, do you?

- No.

- I assess risk.

Just the facts, no emotions.

I should put Wilbur
up for adoption.

- Well, then.

I support your decision.

- I think it's for the best.

- For the best.

- Excuse me, Chloe?

Oh, no.

- Hey, crazy elevator lady.

- I knew you thought
I was crazy.

- No, not at first,
but the evidence piled up.

You must be Melanie.

Chloe and I are partners.

I'm Alec Jones.

- Very nice to meet you.

- Have a seat.
- Okay.

- So I need your help
on the Woody Allen movie.

Now, I convinced Woody
to shoot here in Cleveland

based on our thriving
Dixieland jazz scene.

- Very smart.

- Now I just have to create
a thriving Dixieland jazz scene.

I wonder what
it would be like to kiss him.

- Melanie.

Melanie.

- Yes.

- I think I know
what's going on here.

- You do?

See, you can't just...

do... that.

- Look, this happens
all the time.

Women spend so much time
thinking about what

it would be like to kiss me
that we never get any work done.

So I just get the kiss
out of the way.

That's very presumptuous.

- I'm Cleveland's
most eligible bachelor.

- And somebody's a little
full of themselves too.

- No, it's true.

- Oh.

- Five years in a row.

It's kind of a nuisance,
to tell you the truth.

But Chloe thinks
it's good for business, so...

- Alec, we've got to be downtown
in 15 minutes.

- Yes. Be right with you.

Welcome aboard.
- Thank you.

- So I see you've met
my husband.

- Husband?

- Well, technically, ex-husband.

But we'll get back together.

So anyway, hands off, okay?

- Yes. Yeah.
Sure.

No way.

- That came out wrong.

I mean, I'll cut your hands off

if you go anywhere near him.

Oh, that's just a little joke
I use when I'm deadly serious.

- I think this is
the last of it.

- Let us know
if you need any help.

- How you holding up?

- My heart is breaking.

- Mine too.

I really liked
having a baby in the house.

- Yeah, I'm gonna miss this guy.

- Everybody,
talk about something else

so I don't fall apart.

- Well, I got a new job that I
think I might really be good at.

But I have the hots
for my hot new boss,

who my other hot boss
still has the hots for.

So it's just a big hot mess.

Talk about something else.

- I made Pierre jealous.

But what's the good
of having the upper hand

if there's nobody to hold it?

- Would you look at that?

- What are you talking about?

- I don't know.

I got the next page of dialog,
and that's my line.

There's no punctuation,
no stage direction.

Am I proud?

"Would you look at that!"

or am I talking
about a two-headed calf?

"Ugh, would you look at that."

Or is there an Asian character
named Would You?

And I'm trying to get him
to look at the two-headed calf.

"Would You! Look at that!"

- Yeah, I'm pretty sure
it's the last one.

- Okay, let's get him
in his car seat.

- Elka, we need to talk.

What is going on here?

- Owen's leaving with the baby.

He's putting him up
for adoption.

- Which was difficult at first,

but now we all agree,
it's for the best.

- Yes!
- The right thing to do.

- Yeah...

- Why is everybody lying?

- We're not lying.
- What are you talking about?

- Look, I'm a hairdresser.

I know human nature
right down to the roots.

You all look like
you went and asked for bangs,

and now you regret it.

- He's right.

I want to keep Wilbur
more than anything.

But how can I take care of him
all by myself?

- You've got four people
right here...

- More than willing to help.

- But I don't live in Cleveland.
- But you could.

Cleveland's one of the most
livable places in the country.

It's got beautiful,
snow-white winters...

- Melanie.
- It's nice.

- So... what do you think?

- Well...

if you're really
okay with this...

I'll do it.

- I am gonna be
the best grandmother ever.

I mean, sure,
I might make a few mistakes.

I do seem prone
to a certain level of...

- Stop.

Once you make the sale,
walk away.

- Give me that baby.

- Now that I solved that...

Elka, I've tried
to play it cool.

But when I see you
in that salmon track suit,

I want to cover you
with bechamel sauce

and swim upstream.

- Are you saying
you want to be my boyfriend?

- Could I say it any plainer?

- I love you, Wilbur Burr.

- Would you look at that.

- ♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪♪

- Hey!