Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 4, Episode 5 - A Box Full of Puppies - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Morning, ladies. What's up?

Elka's teaching me how to flirt.

Right now, we're in a happenin' night spot,

and I'm dressed very provocatively.

Excuse me, is this seat taken?

Have we started or are you really asking?

You see what I'm up against?

- Good morning, ladies.
- Where's Oscar?

Unpacking.



Oscar? Who's he?

She. My daughter.

After I had Emmy and Tony,

I was determined to have
an Oscar no matter what.

Oscar's been studying journalism in London

for the last two years.

Now she works for NPR.

Yeah, and she's here to do a story on me.

Actually, it's a story about us

moving from L.A. to Cleveland.

It's about second acts in life

and how I moved here
and re-invented myself.

Were-invented ourselves.

Well, I hope that's not the selfish tone



you're going to take in the interview.

Has anyone seen my car keys?

I'm running late for a
manicurist appointment.

Question: Do they charge you
extra for those big man-hands?

Ignore her, Joy.

Your big man-hands are
in perfect proportion

to your big man-feet.

Seriously, no one's seen my keys?

Chance, have you seen my keys?

Uh-oh.

- Oh, there's my favorite child.
- Mom.

What? I'm not saying anything

that your brother and sister
don't tell their therapists.

You know, mom, I think

it was all the practice interviews

you had me do as a child

that made me want to be a journalist.

Aww.

So now that you're a real journalist,

what would you like to ask me?

Well, the focus of the piece

is how you've changed since
you moved to Cleveland.

Well, of course the biggest change

is that I'm dating sir Emmet Lawson.

That's great, but you've
dated actors before.

What I mean is, what's really changed?

Oh, you mean, the Woody Allen movie?

Well, that is, like, huge.

It is, but you've always been an actress.

How have you changed personally?

Oh, I... I see where you're going here.

Like, um, how am I going to handle

all this fame and fortune
that's coming my way?

Maybe we can get Melanie
and Joy in on this.

Are they around?

No, the dog ate Joy's keys.

For some reason, they all went to the vet.

Shouldn't we go with them?

Oh, no, no, no.

That would be a terrible
place to interview me.

All that barking and meowing and...

Victoria Chase... not an animal person.

Expand later.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You can't say that I'm
not an animal person.

People would hate me.

No, I mean, my career could be ruined.

I know no one listens to npr,

but you know, it could be picked up

by an established source like
access Hollywood or TMZ Live.

You have to erase that.

No, mom. I can't.

"No"?

But you never say no to me.

You always do just what I say.

It's what we love about each other.

Mom, I have to tell the truth.

Where is this coming from?

Because you never learned it from me.

Mom, I learned it in journalism school.

This is my job... to observe and report.

Well...

if you need to report the truth,

there's nothing I wouldn't
do for any animal anywhere.

Since when?

Since I moved to Cleveland.

This is my second act.

I love animals.

I love animals more than people.

No, no. That's going too far.

Okay, we can tweak this
on the way to the vet.

Come on.

You know, I rather like a vet's office.

I rather like it a lot.

Oh, Joy, please don't.

What is she doing?

Something happens to Joy when she sees

a man bringing a pet to a doctor.

It's her love kryptonite.

It shows they're sensitive,
committed, responsible,

yet somehow still men.

I'm going in.

I wish I had that kind
of confidence with men.

Just copy everything she does.

I don't think I could pull off that skirt.

Many have.

Don't worry, I'm here.

Excuse me, I'm here for Chance Ostrovsky.

Please tell me I can donate a kidney.

Hi, Victoria.

Oh, I can't go anywhere.

Are you a fan?

I'm Sally, your neighbor.

I don't think so.

I've lived next door
to you for three years.

You gave me a makeover.

You once called the cops

'cause my kid's birthday party was too loud

and you had a hangover.

In my defense, who has a party

on Saturday morning at 11:00?

Children.

Of course, children.

Whom I love as much as
if they were animals.

Ugh. Forget that guy.

- Married?
- Yes.

And so conceited about it.

"Oh, my wife, my kids, my lake house."

We get it. Someone loves you. Drop dead.

So as part of your second act in Cleveland,

how do you feel about approaching men?

Cleveland's definitely
given me a new confidence.

Not that I succeed all the time,

but if I get rejected here,

I know it's not because of my age.

It's because of my personality.

And that feels good.

Of course, I don't need
to be hitting on guys

because I'm dating sir Emmet Lawson.

Mamie's the one who needs
to be hitting on guys.

Go flirt with that rabbit guy over there.

I wouldn't know what to say.

Well, you have a conversation
starter right there.

Ask him about his rabbit.

Oh, all right. Here goes nothing.

Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

No.

So, your rabbit's eyes
are really crusted over.

Well, that's why we're here.

I bet it is.

I bet it is.

Nice talking to you.

Well, I tried.

Maybe it's just too late for me.

Oh, it's never too late. Look at me.

What about you, Melanie?
What's going on with you?

Oh, well, ever since I moved to Cleveland,

I have been dating a lot.

But I got a new job and I
fell in love with my boss.

And I hope he feels the same about me.

Although his crazy
ex-wife... also my boss...

she would kill me if we ever got together.

Oh, my God, you can't
put this on the radio.

It's so interesting.
It's like a soap opera.

You know, what's even more interesting

is moving from a soap opera
to a major motion picture

directed by Woody Allen.

I'm talking about Victoria Chase.

Expand later.

Pipe down, Victoria. I'm in love.

Cool your jets. He's gay.

Are you sure?

Skintight jeans, a teacup pig,

if only there had been some clues.

I give up.

It doesn't get any better than a hot guy

with a teacup pig.

Hi.

I just rescued these puppies from a fire.

Marry me.

I'm sorry about yelling "marry me."

I don't know what came over me.

Oh, don't worry about it. I get that a lot.

Mostly from women in cars
when I run in the morning.

Oh? What route?

I mean, because I run. I'm a runner.

Yeah, always looking for a good route.

Did you really rescue them
from a burning building?

Of course he did. Look
at him, he's smoldering.

I'm just getting them checked out.

And then I'm going to
take them to a shelter.

Ooh, we can find homes for them.

Elka and I volunteer at a rescue shelter.

Oh, well, that would be great.

You know, to me, you
guys are the real heroes.

Oh, thank you.

Still thanking.

The doctor's ready.

You can take the puppies back now.

Wait, don't go.

I got to make sure these
little guys are okay.

They're fine. I can tell they look great.

That's the vet's call.

Don't you have some deworming to do?

Some glands to express?

While we're waiting for the doctor,

I could get the rest of that suit off you.

You mean soot?

That too.

Look at that stride.

Original hips.

No, Elka.

I'm realizing that flirting
is a young woman's game.

When your husband looks at you,

he still sees the young girl he met

and fell in love with.

But now whoever I flirt
with only sees an older woman

with a no-fuss haircut and no game.

Don't give up.

Look at me.

Alec dumped a hot 20-something for me.

Maybe.

Really? A hot 20-something?

Yeah, I broke into his apartment

and she showed up and said he went

on vacation without her

because he had to think about stuff.

And you think you might be that "stuff."

Maybe.

And at least "maybe" keeps me in the game.

You know, that's sort of
a nice theme for my piece.

That you guys came to
Cleveland for what may be.

Well, how can you come up with a theme

when you haven't finished interviewing me?

But I'm trying to get
at something real here.

The focus of the piece is on people

finding an act two in their lives.

Melanie and Joy have changed

and frankly, you haven't.

Are you calling me a one act?

Because I have been to festivals

where all they show are one acts

and everyone is bored.

Let's look at the facts.

Back in L.A., Joy had given up on men.

She was sublimating her sexuality

by waxing hair off celebrities.

She was a pathetic, empty shell of a woman.

This isn't going on the air, is it?

Of course it is, because now look at you.

You're living for love and adventure.

I am, aren't I?

And Melanie was always over at our house,

complaining about her boring
life and her loveless marriage.

She was mousy and dull, and
sometimes when she came by,

we pretended we weren't home.

I just thought you guys
were on vacation a lot.

Look at you now, acting all crazy,

going after the boss,
breaking into apartments.

You're like some kind of
lifetime original movie.

Hello?

I starred in a lifetime original move

called Acting All Crazy.

I've changed just as
much as these two have.

Not from what I can see.

You're still a drama queen

obsessed with fame and constantly lying

to put yourself in the best possible light,

like pretending you're
insanely in love with animals.

I do love animals! All animals.

That animal.

Well, what do we have here, huh?

Ow!

What is that thing?

A snapping turtle.

- You okay?
- No, I'm not okay!

I've been savagely attacked.

So this is how it ends: Turtle rabies.

See? Drama queen.

What happened to my sweet, little Oscar?

Okay, maybe I haven't changed,

but you have, and I don't like it.

Well, maybe I don't care
if you don't like it.

I need some air.

Why is she doing this to me?

Oh, honey, it'll be okay.

Come on, let's take you in the back,

and get that looked at.

I don't see how I can hit on my fireman

with all this tension in the air.

But duty calls.

Well, the doctor says
they're in perfect health.

Are you sure you don't
mind finding them homes?

We've already got interviews
lined up for today.

Like you said...

we're heroes.

It was nice meeting you all.

I gotta get back to the firehouse.

Wait. Um...

I was wondering, what are
you doing Saturday night?

Actually, I have a date
with a lovely brunette.

What? I'll kill her.

Sorry, I was trying to be clever.

I was talking about you.

You are clever.

You're everything that's
right with the world.

Everything.

Smooth, Joy.

Here's my number.

Great.

I guess I will see you on Saturday.

Look at me.

I'm dating a fireman.

Hey, tough luck, married guy.

I'm going out with a fireman.

So get in your station wagon

and go home to your
beautiful wife, Clarissa.

What's wrong with you?

I don't know. I have issues.

But I'm seeing a therapist.

And a fireman!

So what do we have here?

- Turtle bite.
- Ooh!

Sorry, I'm not used to
my patient talking to me.

Except the occasional parrot.

And that gets old pretty fast.

You know, "Polly want a cracker."

Why do they teach them that anyway?

Crackers are quite binding.

And believe me, you don't
want a backed-up bird.

- I'm bleeding here.
- Ooh, I see.

Don't mind her.

She just had a big fight with her daughter.

How could she say these things to me?

I mean, where did all
this rebellion come from?

Well the parent-child relationship

can be quite a complicated one.

I have another patient now

who's having some trouble with her young.

It's a little different
because she ate some of them.

Where... where are you going with this?

Rebellion can be a good thing.

No parent, whether animal or human,

has done the right job unless they allow

their offspring to grow and change.

Aww, it's so hard.

I mean, she's always been my cheerleader,

even when I was miserable.

Especially right before we moved here

and my career was coming to an end,

my marriage was over.

Sometimes she was the only
thing that held me together.

And then I moved in with
you guys here in Cleveland.

And I'm actually happy,

and I just want to share that with her,

but she's just making me miserable.

Victoria, that's how you've changed.

You're happy now.

You're right. I am happy.

I really am.

But why can't Oscar see that?

You know, when a lizard
first loses its tail,

- it doesn't see...
- I... I got this.

She doesn't see it
because you're an actress.

It was obvious that Joy and I have changed

because when we were
miserable, we couldn't hide it.

But you were able to act happy.

Damn my talent.

I need to go and talk to her.

Yeah. So we done here?

I don't know. Has she been spayed?

Great work, Elka.

We found homes for all but one.

I'm actually getting kind of
attached to this little guy.

You don't get a puppy and
a fireman in the same day.

Hey, is my mom back yet?

I'm right here.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm sorry I got so upset.

You had every right to be upset.

I was acting like a complete idiot.

And I'm glad you stood up to me.

You are?

Everything you said about me was true.

I am a drama queen who's obsessed

with fame and success
and how I'm perceived.

But you were wrong about one thing.

I have changed.

I'm really happy now,

and this my second act.

And in the spirit of second acts,

what do you say you and I start a new one?

- I'd like that.
- Oh, but one thing.

I really do like animals,

and I'm so sorry that you weren't able

to have a pet when you were a kid.

- Allergies?
- White carpets.

I wish I could make it up to you.

- I have a puppy.
- Oh, good for you, Elka.

Oh.

Aww.

Do you want this puppy?

Is NPR sponsored by

the John D. and Catherine
T. MacArthur foundation?

Boy, nobody listens to NPR, do they?

I'd love him.

The doctor will be out in
a minute, but great news.

Chance came through with flying colors.

- Yay!
- Oh, that's such a relief.

So how about you? How'd
you do with the fireman?

- We have a date.
- I give it six months.

Really?

Mamie Sue Johnson?

Oh, my gosh. Tommy Hill?

Well, I actually go by Dr. Tommy Hill now,

but yeah, it's me.

Wow.

You two know each other?

Excellent detective work, Joy.

Tommy sat behind me in first grade.

I had the biggest crush on her.

I asked my friend what her name was.

And he said, "Mamie Sue
Johnson. She can read."

So he got my attention
by throwing a rock at me.

Cut her head right open.

It still throbs when it's about to rain.

- So how have you been?
- Good.

I was married. 7 kids, 19 grandkids.

My wife passed away, so it's just me now.

And you?

- Six boys.
- Ah.

Eight grandkids. And it's just me now too.

There was a rabbit here earlier

with hideous, crusty eyes.

Oh, you saw him? What a fascinating case.

Had an unfortunate contusion...

Oh, Mamie.

You were always such a shameless flirt.

- May I be forward with you?
- Please.

What are you doing Saturday night?

I'm having dinner with
a tall, handsome doctor.

- Oh.
- It's you.

- It's me?
- It's you.

See, that's how it's done.