Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 7 - Two Girls and a Rhino - full transcript

Hot In Cleveland is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

And so an endangered species

teeters on the brink of extinction,

all because two African black rhinos,

Moses and Clementine,

refuse... to make love.

Oh, Clementine is willing,
but unfortunately for her,

the only thing horny
about Moses is his face.

Reporting from the rhino barn
at the Cleveland zoo,

I am a devastated Victoria Chase.



And out.

Well, if that doesn't win me a newsie,

I don't know what will.

This isn't about awards,
it's about saving a species.

Oh, Elka, it's not that I don't care.

Or maybe it is.

But if all the black rhinos
disappeared tomorrow,

would anybody really notice?

I mean, I didn't even know they
existed until 20 minutes ago.

Victoria, I found the glycerin
for your fake tears.

It's too late, Joy.

I was forced to cry real tears on camera.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I have to go and remove

the two clothespins
clamped to the tender flesh



of my inner thighs.

That's the rhino mating song.

Moses is aroused.

Really? How can you tell?

Whoa!

Run, Clementine, run!

But why is he aroused now?
What's changed?

It's Joy.

[Sniffs]
You are exuding

a powerful musk.

Musk? Me? No.

Maybe a little garlic,
had scampi last night.

Hang on, hang on.

This might be an even better
story for my newsie voters.

"From across the pond, a smelly savior"

"has these rhinos literally
humping for Joy."

What? You can't say that!

And in three, two, one...

Wait. Moses has stopped mating.

His epididymis is shriveling.

Elka, would you come over here

and stand next to Joy, please?

[Rhino groans]

Just as I thought.

It's the mixture of your pheromones

that's turning him on.

This is fantastic.
The black rhino could be saved.

That's nice. Can we go now?

No, no, no, you can't leave

until the mating ritual's complete.

Usually I'm the one saying that.

Stay, I beg you.

I'm willing to offer you
a free zoo membership

for the rest of your life.

And you'll get a
volunteer outfit like mine.

Not helping.

Oh, please, Joy.

Oh, all right.

By the looks of it,
Moses will be done soon anyway.

He'll probably be dressed, gone,
and enjoying a pint

with his mates before
Clementine can even find

the balled-up silk garter belt
he never even noticed

she was wearing.

[Laughs]

Actually, Joy, the black
rhino's mating process

is quite complex.

It lasts three days.

Three days?

We're going to spend three days in a zoo?

It's like Christmas.

Hot In Cleveland 3x07 - Two Girls and a Rhino
Original air date January 11, 2012

So Elka and Joy have to sleep in a cage?

No, no, no, no. The zoo put together

a little makeshift habitat
with cots, and blankets, and...

I don't know. I left.

Well, maybe we should go visit them.

- Mm.
- Then again,

it is Friday night.

And we do look fabulous.

And we are freshly Botox-ed.
I say we go fishin'!

[Laughs]

Ooh, those two look like

they could be hooked and mounted.

We just need to decide which bait to use:

the "sip and smile"...

Or how about the "hair flip
followed by a silvery laugh"?

[Laughs]

Perfect. Now together.

[Both laugh]

Ooh, they're biting.

Now we just have
to clean 'em, and bone 'em.

I swear that sounded cuter in my head.

I know.

Hey, dibs on the one
in the ironic work shirt.

Look at his arms. He is so my type.

You can't call dibs, Victoria.

What if they've already
called dibs on one of us?

No, but girl dibs supersede man dibs.

Men aren't discriminating,

they'll take whatever we give them.

That's true.

Oh. Oh, no. How much did you hear?

Not much. So, "freshly Botox-ed" huh?

[Both laugh]

[Rhinos grunting]

You know, Joy, this isn't the first time

you and I have been behind bars together.

I know.

And I suppose jail was worse than this.

At least here, they didn't
confiscate my belt,

so I still have the option of
hanging myself.

[Monkey squealing]

[Mimics monkey]

What on earth are you doing?

Shh, I'm talking.

Look, Elka, I know you
consider yourself some sort of

Dr. Doolittle, but you can't possibly

expect them to respond.

[Excited monkey squeals]

That's Mokolo, our pygmy chimpanzee.

That's his cry of friendship.

[Monkey squeals]

He's inviting us over.

To pick the nits
out of each other's hair.

Oh, he has the most colorful behind.

Does he have a brother?

Wow, a triathlete, huh?

Well, I don't like to brag, but yes.

And I'm also training for The Iron Man.

Pretty good chance of winning.
So I guess I do like to brag.

[Laughter]

I'm also in a jazz band.
We're playing tomorrow night,

if you'd like to come.

- It's a date.
- Oh, good.

I'm always trying
to get Scott here to come,

but "the senator" here
is always too busy.

Senator?

You're an actual senator?

A state senator,
39th district, four term.

Well, serving on
the state level for so long,

you must have some national aspirations.

Oh, ho, ho, ho, you mean
the American presidency?

[All laugh]
Yes, that's the plan.

And what about you?

While I adore the "Buddy" name patch

on your ironic work shirt, I realize

I still don't know your real name.

[Laughs]
It's Buddy.

That's my real name.
And this is a real work shirt.

- I'm a janitor.
- Oh!

Oh, oh. I got it, I got it.

I'm starving.

Why won't the zoo feed us
like the other animals?

I always keep a sleeve of
fig newtons in my purse.

I'd have offered you one,
but... well, you know.

What?

I didn't feel like it.

Hi, you guys! Oh, isn't this incredible?

The two of you living here,
saving a species.

And speaking of dating
a senator, guess who is!

Me! A senator!

Oh, wow.

And I'm dating a sexy
triathlete/jazz musician.

- And?
- What do you mean?

I've never heard you describe a man

and not include his net worth.

Well, maybe I've changed.

Or maybe I'm dating a janitor.

Victoria, there's no shame
in dating a janitor.

His best friend is a senator,
who I'm dating!

Yeah, well how great can he be

if his best friend
is a janitor, who I'm dating?

Where did I think I was going with that?

Oh, Scott and I stayed up all
night laughing and talking.

I really think this could go somewhere.

Listen to the text
he sent me this morning.

"Melanie, last night was amazing."

"I can't stop thinking about your smile."

Aw, that is sweet.

The only next morning text
I ever got was,

"You might want to see a doctor."

You know what's delightful about Buddy?

He jingles when he walks.

Lots of keys, huh?

Like a hundred. I can't date him.

You know, which is a shame really,

because he's actually very nice,

and interesting, and well-read.

So, you can't date him
because you're a snob.

No! Because he's only a janitor.

Wow.

Even I didn't like myself
when I said that.

But you know something?

I am going to forget about what he does,

and concentrate on who he is.

I said that line in
the Lifetime original movie,

"The Princess and The Plumber".

I didn't understand it, but now I do.

[Phone beeps]
Oh, it's from Scott again.

This time he sent a photo.

Oh! No, no, no, no,
please tell me that's not

what I think it is.

Yep, that's his epididymis.

Oh, it's just like Brett Favre,

or that congressman Anthony Weiner.

Oh, my God, I've been Weiner-ed.

What is it with men texting
pictures of their private parts?

Well, you know how men
all like their gadgets,

and their private parts.

It's the perfect storm.

[Phone rings]
Oh, gross. It's him.

Hello, Senator.

Yes, yes, I got the photo,

and I must say,
I was shocked and offended.

Uh-huh. Oh, uh-huh. Oh, okay.

I'll see you tonight.

You're going out with him again?

It wasn't a picture of Scott.

His email got hacked

by a political opponent.

And you believe that?

I want to.

Well, just to be sure,
do what I always do...

snag his phone and
scroll through his photos.

Oh, I'm terrible with that tech stuff.

Well, at least the janitor
won't be texting you

- dirty pictures.
- Very amusing.

- Because he likes things clean.
- Got it.

- Because he's a janitor.
- Oh, shut up!

Melanie, look in the background,

behind your senate member's member.

I told you, it's not his. Oh, is that...

It's an imperial-size tub

of "Jeux de Mange Anesse" beauty cream.

An imperial what?

$1,300 worth of the most age-defying,

skin-replenishing
moisturizer on the planet.

Mm-hmm. You'd be more attractive

to men if you just taped
$1,300 to your face.

And then a whole fight
broke out on the senate floor.

And I realized the world is divided

into two types of people...

those who love marshmallow
peeps, and those who don't.

And where do you stand, senator?

Well, I am up for reelection,
so I don't really

feel comfortable coming down
on one side or the other.

[Both laugh]

Don't you ever get sick of not
being able to have an opinion?

Yes. And no.

But, seriously, peeps are disgusting.

[Both laugh]
I hate to do this to you,

but I'm getting a little chilly out here,

and I left my sweater in your car.

I will be right back.

Oh, thank you.
Oh, here, let me move that.

[Phone ringing]

Hello?

Joy, okay, I have his phone.

Press "Settings", then "Folders".

Do you see a folder marked "Photos"?

- Yes.
- Highlight it,

- then press "Enter".
- I'm in, I'm in.

Okay, I'm searching, and
I'm searching, searching,

and there's nothing here.
This phone is wiener-free!

Excellent.

Okay, he's going to be back
any minute, so I gotta go.

Ah, hot, hot, hot, hot.

They brought your soup.

- Looks delicious.
- It is.

Does. How would I know?

Mm. Good.

[Rhino growls over phone]

Well... somebody's hungry.

Yes.

Quiet, you.

You are an amazing kisser.

Thanks.

- Oh.
- Oh. Oh, you smell great.

Oh, thank you. It's
Yves St. Laurent, "Baby Doll".

- No.
- Yes.

No, I'm getting biodegradable surfactant

and a lovely top note of apple
mango. It's gain, isn't it?

What's gain?

Your detergent.

What's detergent?

I'm sorry, that was weird.

I can identify any cleaning product.

Occupational hazard.

Well, of course.
Because you're a janitor.

Which I am perfectly fine with.

Why wouldn't you be?

Well, all I'm saying is that, you know,

it's very big of me
to overlook what you do,

and not judge it.

Well, I'm glad to hear that,
because my job is what I do,

but my life is who I am.

That's exactly what the
plumber said to me in

The Princess and The Plumber.
Although he turned out to be

a secret prince. Are... ? Did...?

Not a prince.

But I did go to Princeton.

You went to Princeton
and you're a janitor?

What's wrong with education
for education's sake?

I don't even know what that means.

Look, I enjoy my work,
but then I'm free to read,

see friends, spend time with an
incredibly beautiful woman.

I'm living a very happy life
on my own terms.

Does that sound so bad?

No. It actually sounds great.

And there is precedent.

You know, Cher had her bagel boy,

Elizabeth Taylor her construction worker,

and Marilyn Monroe had that writer.

Miller.

No, I'm... I'm pretty sure he was a writer.

You're adorable.

Is there any chance that that
jazz band thing might take off?

What am I saying? Jazz.

Why is this such a big deal for you?

Oh, I don't know. Or...

yeah, I do.

My dad was a stage actor, and he
and my mother were constantly

fighting over money,
and I swore that when I grew up

I would only be with someone
who had so much money

that there was just no possibility

we would ever fight about it.

I guess that's always been in
the back of my mind, and...

well, it's not something
that I'm proud of.

So you're like Becky Sharp
in Vanity Fair.

I only read the Hollywood issue.

I'm really sorry.

I understand. It's too bad, though.

I actually think we might have
had something special.

Wait, I'm... I'm feeling conflicted.

Maybe we should just, you know,
kiss some more and then...

Goodbye, Victoria.

Goodbye.

Got a lot of candles lit out here.

Feels a little girly without the girl.

I'll be out in a minute.
Don't start without me.

Too late!

Joking.

Jeux de Mange Anesse!

[Rhinos growling]

You can stop covering your
ears now. They're done.

Thank God, we can go home in the morning.

I don't think there's
ever been an English person

who's looking forward
to brushing their teeth

as much as me.

I'm sad. Tonight's our last night.

I don't get you, Elka.

What is it with you and animals?

They were here first.

Well, sure, but... ah, but nothing.

We hunt them for sport, we
destroy their natural habitat.

Sometimes it makes me
embarrassed to walk erect.

But you help animals. They love you.

They don't love me. They... just love.

And that love is the purest,
most joyous thing in the world.

That's beautiful.

God, I'm starving. Any fig newtons left?

Sorry.

Eat the peanuts those kids threw at you.

I am not going to eat peanuts
off the floor of the zoo.

Although that one looks all right.

I'm Victoria Chase at the
Channel Seven news desk,

and here are the stories
we're working on.

Ohio senator Scott McCloney
resigned from office today

as three more women came
forward in the sex text scandal.

And there's happy news
at the Cleveland zoo.

Clementine, the endangered
black rhino, is pregnant.

The baby, due in 15 months,
will be named Jelka. Aww.

And, finally, a Cleveland man
has come forward to claim

the $140 million Lotto jackpot.

The lucky winner is...

Buddy Nelner? What?

A janitor from Mayfield Heights,
who apparently

swept the winning ticket
into his dust pan.

What a heartwarming story.

Well, to Mr. Buddy Nelner,
this reporter says, "congrats".

And...

I can't believe it.

I could be dating a millionaire
right now if I'd just picked

the janitor and not Senator Junk Mail.

You're forgetting,
Buddy's in a jazz band.

Oh, yeah. That's a long evening.

Hey, it's really cute that
they're going to name

the baby rhino after you guys.

We saved a species, Joy. Thank you.

I was wondering, do rhinos mate for life?

Well, these will,
they don't have anybody else.

Strangely, that gives me hope.

And before you say anything,
it gives me hope.

You'll find somebody. Just be patient.

Let nature take its course.

You really think so?

Well, sure.
If a black rhino can find love,

so can a white wino.