Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 8 - God and Football - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland
is recorded in front

of a live studio audience.

Hi!

Melanie Moretti,
columnist for woman's day.

Good game, everybody.

Good game?
They lost by 20 points.

Yes, but they were very good
about sharing the ball

with the other team.

Those are fumbles.

- Oh, wow.
- Who's that?

Jimmy Armstrong.



He doesn't have much
upstairs,

but he's got plenty
down below.

Elka.

He's Cleveland's kicker.

What did you think I meant?

Yo, Jimmy.

She wants to interview you.

Oh, hey.
Sure thing.

Hi, Melanie Moretti.
Woman's day.

I'm writing an article
about doing things

outside your comfort zone.

And I'm...

Uncomfortable
in a football locker room

with a lot of naked men.



I'm comfortable with it.

Are you a writer too?

No, no,
next week is her birthday,

and this is my gift to her.

Oh, happy birthday, ma'am.

Oh, thank you.

I'm gonna be 90.

Can I...Squeeze your chest?

Okay, yeah.

Ooh.

So you're Cleveland's
kicker.

Yeah, which is funny because
my name is Jimmy Armstrong.

Being the kicker,
you think it would be...

Legstrong.

- I was gonna say kickguy.
- Yours works too.

I'm gonna go browsing.

I'm 90, can I squeeze
your chest?

So I saw on the jumbotron

that you just broke the team
record for points scored.

Yeah, would you like to see
the ball that I kicked

to break the record?
Sure, love to.

Rusty, throw me that ball.
Whoa, duck!

Whoa! Ahh!

Your name is Melanie.

The year is 2011.

- 2012.
- 2012.

Why are you talking to me
like that?

She thinks the blow to your
head has given you amnesia.

Despite everything I've said
to the contrary.

Well, it happened to me
three times on edge of tomorrow.

So I think I know
what I'm talking about.

I went to Harvard
medical school.

Hmm. I won a daytime Emmy.

Well, since she's already here,
isn't there something else

that she can have done
that's covered by insurance?

Maybe some botox or...

I don't know,
a chemical peel?

Hey, maybe chemical peels
all around.

Well, we did just get a new
CT medical scanner.

It gives a complete physical
in just five minutes.

I've been dying to give
that baby a spin.

Not me.
I've never had a physical.

Never had a physical?
That's crazy.

You might have something wrong
they can give you pills for

that I can sneak into your
bathroom and steal.

I'm afraid of what
they might find.

And unlike you, I don't like
being poked and prodded

by strangers.

- Don't be a 90-year-old baby.
I'll do it with you.

Knock, knock!

I know I knocked outside,

but I like saying "knock, knock"
in case some of you

didn't hear me.

It's kind of my thing.

Oh, my God.
Jimmy Armstrong?

What are you doing here?

This woman
is a friend of mine.

I wanna make sure she's getting
the best medical care possible.

She will be now.

Well, Jimmy, you know Elka,
and these are my roommates

joy and Victoria.
Hello.

So...You okay?

Yeah, but why did you
tell me to duck

if the ball was
coming at me low?

Oh, because when a duck
is in danger,

it flies up and away.

I was kinda hoping
you'd do that.

So...Duck means jump up?

Or fly, yeah.

Hey, so you wanna go grab
some dinner tonight?

- Me?
- Yeah.

- I'd love to.
- Awesome.

Okay.
All right, hey.

Can somebody call the valet,

have them bring
my Porsche around?

Uh, this hospital
doesn't have a valet.

Oh, no.

That poor guy thinks
he's a valet.

Oh, my God.

A professional football player
just asked me out at my age.

It's the magic of Cleveland,
ladies.

In L.A., the cut-off age for
dating a professional athlete

is 25.

Well, 29 if you're willing
to date a bowler.

- Was that Jimmy Armstrong?
- Yes.

And I'm going on a date
with him.

Oh, my God!

You are gonna be the envy
of every woman in Cleveland.

You're lucky you're not
on life support.

I'd kick that plug
right out.

Oh, I came in here
for a reason.

Oh, there's been
a terrible accident.

A carny had too much to drink
at the circus

and fired the human cannonball
right into a car full of clowns.

There've been many serious
injuries

and we're looking for
type AB negative blood.

Oh, Victoria,
you have AB negative blood.

No, I don't believe I do
anymore.

Oh, do something selfless
for once.

I don't like the word
selfless.

It implies that afterwards,
there will be less self.

But it feels good
to do something nice

without thinking of any Kudos.

Kudos, you say.

This room for hero
blood donors,

is it big enough
for a camera crew?

Ladies, I have your CT scan
results.

You could use
a little more calcium,

but for a woman your age,
you're in fine shape.

What about me?

You? You're the healthiest
person I've ever seen.

Whatever you're doing,
you keep doing it, Elka.

What? No, no, wait!

No, I'm not Elka.
I'm joy.

Oh, I must've
mixed things up.

- You're Elka?
- Yes.

You're a medical miracle.

You could live forever.

Forever?

That's fantastic.

What a wonderful 90th
birthday present.

Hey, what about me?

Well, I looked a chart
and thought you were 90.

Do I need to spell it out?

So what should I do?

Go red for women.

It's from the American
Heart Association.

Just a few small changes
could make a big difference.

Quit smoking, limit
fatty foods, salt, and alcohol.

Well, at least I can still
have sex.

Well, with your brittle bones,
I'd be careful.

The average Cleveland man
could snap you like a twig.

They're ready for you
in the O.R.

Oh, good.
Send in the clowns.

Don't bother.
They're here.

Okay, you might still be
a little woozy,

so try not to get up
too quickly.

What?
You're done?

But the news crew
isn't here yet.

Do it again.

No, you need to get your
blood sugar back up.

Have a cookie.

- Is it fat free?
- No.

No, thank you.

- Glass of orange juice?
- Is it vodka free?

- Yes.
- No, thank you.

What is that?

It's a television crew.

I'm in here!

Where am I?
Did I die?

What is... is this heaven?

A spotlight.

All on me.
Oh, this is heaven.

But if I'm in heaven then...
Where is God?

Welcome, my child.

- Elka, you're God?
- Yes.

Wait.

That's not the nose
I gave you.

The nose you gave me

would only have let me play
character parts.

I can't believe that I got
into heaven.

I've broken, like,
a million commandments.

Coveted everything.

I have pledged thousands
to PBS and never paid.

I just wanted to hear them
say my name on TV.

Quiet,
there's been a mistake.

I meant to summon
Victoria principal...

Not Victoria chase.

Oh, stupid auto correct.

So I'm not supposed
to be in heaven?

No.
Walk away from the light.

Well, am I ever supposed
to be in heaven?

Walk away from the light.

Can I just ask you
one thing?

Who do I have to sleep with
to win an Oscar?

It certainly wasn't
Quentin Tarantino.

I wish I could take that back.

Cut the light.
Wrong Victoria.

Quentin Tarantino.
Original nose.

Mel? Joy?

I'm not dead?

No, darling,
you just had a bad fall.

The only one dying
around here is me.

And in more good news...

I'm immortal.

You are?

But where is your cloud
and your heavenly iPad?

Oh, you know what?

The doctor said
you might be disoriented.

So I'm gonna go tell him
you're awake, okay?

And I'm gonna smoke
my last cigarette.

Hey, you told us you quit
years ago.

I tell you a lot of things.

Why are you staring at me?

I just had the craziest
dream.

I mean, I must've just
knocked myself silly

because I dreamt
that you were God.

I am God.

Oh, cut it out.
Come on.

If you're God,
then what am I think right now?

You're wishing
you were more famous.

Anybody could've guess that.

Could anybody have known
about your original nose?

You mean the chase family
beak?

That is my deepest,
darkest secret.

Really? Not sleeping
with Quentin Tarantino?

You know that too?

You couldn't know that
unless you were...

All right, does anyone else know
that you're...

God?

Only you.

And you can't tell anybody

or...Lo, your thighs
will grow immense.

And your Emmy
will turn to dust.

But why are you revealing
yourself to me now?

Because you're so brilliant
and talented.

That makes sense.

And because I want you
to change your ways.

You need to be kind
and generous.

And do charitable works.
That's not so bad.

Without alerting the media.

You're a vengeful God.

Joy!

I'm so proud of you.
Look at that heart-healthy meal.

Heart disease is
the number one killer of women.

Heart disease is the number one
killer of me.

Many women don't personalize
the risk.

Look at you
with new fun things to say.

Don't patronize me!
I'm in a hideous mood.

This morning, I drank tea
made from a nicotine patch.

Where's Victoria?

She said she and Elka
were going to a soup kitchen.

What?
That doesn't make sense.

Stop yelling at me!
I'm doing the best I can!

All right, all right.
They're at a soup kitchen.

Boy, Victoria must've
hit her head

a lot harder
than we thought, huh?

Ooh! Google alert.

Oh, wait till
you see this.

Please let it be a study
that says alcohol and tobacco

are the new broccoli.

"Jimmy Armstrong in the VIP
section of the velvet tango room

with unidentified brunette
arm candy."

I've never been called
arm candy!

In L.A., at best,
I was a sensible arm snack.

And it really doesn't bother
you that he's not that bright.

Bup, bup, bup.
He's very interesting.

He's not interesting.
He's famous.

You're looking at him
through fame goggles,

when in reality, he is about
as dumb and stupid as this milk.

Oh, why can't 2% be
the alcohol content?

Knock, knock!

It's his thing.

Hey, why didn't
you come out?

I yelled "honk, honk"
from the car.

Wow, that was so much fun.

I mean, people just go crazy
around you.

When was the last time
you paid for a meal?

When was the last time
you paid for anything?

Well, I haven't carried
a wallet since '98.

Oh, is that the year
you got drafted?

No, it's the year
I lost my wallet.

You know what?
Uh, Melanie, I been thinking.

- Really?
- Yeah.

To make the playoffs
this year,

we have to win
our final four games.

Problem is we only have
one game left to play.

Yes, I can see how
that would be a problem.

But um, there's always
next year.

Actually, I don't even
wanna play the next game.

This is it for me.
I'm done.

159 games is a nice
round number.

No, no.
No, no, no.

No, you have to at least
finish out the season.

You know what?
You're right.

I could at least finish out
the last game.

What's the worst thing
that could happen?

Jimmy, I feel awful
for talking you into playing.

Don't.

The good news is now we get
to spend more time together

as regular people.

Oh, yeah,
that is good news.

What are you doing here,
Victoria?

Oh, you know, God's work.

So you wanna go back
to the SpongeBob marathon?

Sure! Why not?

Ooh, or we could talk about,
after we die,

whether we'd rather come back
as a shrimp or a clam.

I think my answer
may surprise you.

How come nobody told me
Jimmy is dumb?

And the fame goggles
are off.

Fame is a false idol.

What is going on here?
You're volunteering.

- You're helping the needy.
- And....

Is that your natural
hair color?

It's the color God gave me.

Oh, you've gotta be
kidding me.

In your living will,
it says "do not resuscitate"

if your roots start to show.

So she really is dowdy?

I just thought ever since
I stopped drinking,

everyone looks terrible.

- I don't look bad.
- O-kay.

Okay, what am I gonna do
about Jimmy?

I have to break up with him
but it's my fault he got hurt.

What you need is some
little tramp to seduce him

so you can dump him
guilt free.

Joy, that's a great idea.

I can walk in,
catch you in bed with him,

break up, and everybody's hands
are clean.

Did you just call me
a tramp?

No, I think you said it.

Please?
Oh, fine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no.

Mel, isn't what you're asking
joy to do a sin?

Well, isn't it?

I don't think so.

Well, then neither do I.

Hello, Jimmy.

You're look very...

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

I just gave up smoking,

and I'm still bringing up
a lot of phlegm.

I mean...

I want to get to know you
better, Jimmy.

Oh, okay, that sounds good.

Uh, why don't you
come over here,

help me find what's out of place
in this picture?

I've already found one.

I mean, what is a snowman
doing in a pumpkin patch?

Oh, Jimmy.

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.

The only thing wrong
with this picture

is that I'm not with you.

Well, why would we be
in a pumpkin patch?

I'm talking about
the bigger picture.

All I see is you and me
and a bed.

And there's
some medical equipment.

And a TV.

I'm not listing things
in the room, you idiot!

I'm trying to seduce you!

Joy, what are you doing
in bed with my boyfriend?

Joy, why aren't you in bed
with my boyfriend?

And I... I just don't think
it's gonna work out with us.

But I should've just
told you that

instead of doing that
silly stunt with joy.

Melanie, I just want you
to be happy.

And if that means we should
break up, then so be it.

Aw, don't look so sad.
You'll find somebody new.

Once you get
out of this hospital

and your leg gets
rehabilitated...

Oh, hey, you wanna be
my new girlfriend?

Of course!
Who wouldn't?

She wouldn't.

What are you, stupid?

Very funny, joy.

Thank you all
for a wonderful birthday week.

Oh, Melanie, thank you
for the brown's locker room.

And joy, thank you
for the champagne.

It's my favorite.
Enjoy it in good health.

That's it!
We're having an intervention.

Joy, you have
to start drinking again.

Like life, you're very hard
to take without alcohol.

Hello, old friend.

Give up something else.

I mean, just cut back
on everything else.

Oh, she's right.
From God's lips to your ears.

Elka, told us this morning
that she had you convinced

she was God.

Oh, no.

You know the joke's on
all of you

because I knew all along.

Wait, wait.
How did you know all my secrets?

You were mumbling
in your sleep at the hospital.

So you put me through
all of that just for a joke?

Yes!

No.

You couldn't even give blood
without a camera crew.

I just thought it was time
somebody gave you a push

in the right direction.

Well, you may not be
totally wrong.

I mean, helping others
really wasn't so bad.

It made me...Feel good
about myself

in a new and different way.

You know, I might still
keep on doing it.

But like joy...
Only in moderation.

I am going to light
the candles.

Yes.
To Elka.

You may not be God,
but you are certainly divine.

If I were God, my birthday
wish would come true.

What are you still doing here?