Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 6 - How Did You Guys Meet, Anyway? - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

I thought you said
coming to a football game

would be great
for man-watching.

It is.
There are two over there.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I should have specified.

Men not wearing dog masks.

This line is crazy.

I wish I could be one of those
ballsy, brash women

that just says, "screw it,"

and walks right
into the men's room.

Those women are usually drunk.



Screw it, I'm goin' in.

There are stalls
in there, right?

Well, I'm sure I don't know.

Well, I don't care.

You two look ridiculous.

What are you in dog years,
like 1,000?

And what's Manchester united?

It's a football team.

Real football, where the men
use their feet, not their hands.

I have no use for men
who don't use their hands.

Melanie, you look like
you've seen a ghost.

Worse. No stalls,
troughs for urinals,

like some sort of
hellish pig farm.

Drunken men, barely aiming.



That's it.
No more man-watching.

I'm done with men.

You know, that's funny,

but those are the exact words
you used the night that we met.

That's right.
We all said it, didn't we?

Now, how did you guys meet,
anyway?

Wow, Elka, you never
ask questions like that.

If there were a TV in view,
I wouldn't,

but there isn't, so--

Well, it was back
in the '80s.

I was on the rooftop of a hotel
in Beverly Hills, crying.

Which is really a shame,

because I was having
a very good hair day.

I deserve better than this.

I'm Victoria Chase, damn it!

I'm Victoria Chase.

Excuse me?

Hello?

Victoria Chase?

You recognize me?

I was never that into Madonna,

until, you know--

Yeah, I looked adorable
in that outfit.

Yeah, right.

I was a little younger.

Well, I didn't know you then.

I can only picture
how you'd look in it today.

It's hilarious.

We can still pass
for women in our 20s,

especially
since we moved to Cleveland.

You moved,
you didn't go back in time.

Oh, well,
you probably want an autograph.

Uh, who shall I make it out to?

I'm Melanie, but I'm sorry,
I don't know who you are.

Do you ever feel
not-so-fresh?

Excuse me?

Don't hate me
because I'm beautiful.

I don't hate you.
I don't even know you.

No, no, no. Those are lines
from commercials I did.

Manly, yes,
but I like it, too.

I'm sorry,
I don't watch much TV.

Well, have you heard
of the movie, E. T.?

Yeah! Who hasn't?

Were you in it?

Well, I was up
for the part of the mom.

I even slept with the producer.

Used to mean something
in this town.

I haven't had a real acting gig
in over a year.

And I'm starting to wonder

if it's ever
going to happen for me.

Oh, don't say that.

I mean,
you seem really theatrical.

You're very in touch
with your emotions.

Oh, thank you.

I was trained to cry
at Julliard.

You know what,
instead of crying,

let's talk about
why we're crying.

Well, that's not a bad idea.

And I'm a very good listener.

You know, most actresses
don't listen,

they're just
waiting for their next line.

- Oh, well, I came here...
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.

- To spy on my boyfriend.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- Because I thought...
- Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.

That he was cheating.

You want to go first,
don't you?

Oh, if you insist.

Um, I came to this hotel

to seduce the director of
this music video I appeared in.

You're in a music video?

Yeah, but, uh,

it wasn't exactly
a stand-out part.

Cut!

Girl number three--

I have a name.

Yeah, I know, I just used it.

- Will you stay in your place?
- Sorry. Sorry.

And...
Action!

♪ ♪

Cut!

Again, number three,
what's with all the emoting?

You know, asking someone
with my training

not to be expressive is like
asking a flame not to burn.

I am not a mannequin,
I am an actress.

Right, then act like you're
fired, and get off the stage.

- No, but--
- Off the set!

So after the director
fired me, I thought,

"Well, what would Madonna do?"

And so I got down on my knees.

And prayed?

You're a little naive,
aren't you?

No, it turns out
that the director was already

sleeping with the real Madonna,
so it didn't work.

You're way prettier
than Madonna.

Aww.

Naive, but insightful.

So why were you crying?

Oh, well, I thought my
boyfriend was cheating on me.

So I couldn't afford
a detective,

so I thought I'd do
my own snooping,

you know,
just like in Moonlighting?

I thought you said
you didn't watch TV.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Anyway, I, um--

I followed him up
to the eighth floor,

Um, can I help you?

I--I was just trying to see
who was in there.

The peephole's
for the people on the inside.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Wow, strawberries,
whipped cream, champagne.

Guess we know
what they're doin' in there.

It is the honeymoon suite.

Mmm.

Wait, his name
should be on the bill.

I can't let you see that.

Oh, please?
I--

I think my boyfriend's in there
with another woman.

Hey.

I'm sorry.
I'm a stress eater.

It's a real thing,
I saw it on Oprah.

- On what?
- Oprah.

It's a new TV show.
She's very opinionated.

I don't think
it'll go very long.

Room service!

- Coming.
- Oh, no, mm, that's him!

Oh, I haven't really
thought this through, have I?

I don't know.

- Oh!
- Hey.

Melanie?

No.

Melanie, I know that it's you.

No, you don't.

A-ha!
Not in there.

Where is she, Jake?

There's no one here, honey.

Then what are you doing here?

I couldn't work at home.

They're doing construction
next door.

Oh.

How do you explain the
champagne and two glasses?

The honeymoon suite
was the only room available,

and this stuff
comes with the room.

A likely story.

Wait, that--
that does make sense.

- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.

Look, go home,
let me get back to work,

and I'll see you tomorrow.

Or...

You could let me
make it up to you right now.

After all,
we are in a hotel room.

Honey...

I really need to work.

Who wants to work,
when you can play?

This is gonna be really sexy
when I get down to button 40.

Babe, I'd love to,
but I'm on a deadline.

You're right, you're right.

A good girlfriend
would let you work.

No interruptions, no jealousy.

So I'm gonna go, okay?

But you should know

that the woman walkin' out
that door,

she trusts you 100%.

Why is this so small?

Come to think of it,
I wasn't wearing a sweater

when I came in here.

You are cheating on me.

Where is she?

It's probably
from the last guest.

The perfume is still fresh!
Tell me where she is!

You already looked.

I didn't know how tiny she was.

A-ha!

Not that tiny.

Melanie, you are acting crazy.

You looked everywhere,
there's nothing here.

You have to trust me!

You're right.

I am a paranoid, insecure,
jealous idiot...

Who is smelling
that perfume again.

You must be Melanie.

Melanie, let me explain.

Half-naked girl with...

really great hair...

hiding in hotel room.

I think I got it.

But why, Jake?

What did he say about me?
What were his complaints?

He says you talk too much.

I do not talk too much.

Ow!

How dare you say
I talk too much!

I talk just the right amount for
a person who's supposed to be--

oh, it's very hard to defend
yourself about talking too much

without talking.

Melanie,
you don't talk too much.

Look, babe.

It's not you.

It's me.

Wow.
That's deep.

You bought that B.S.?

It was a new line then.

What were you doing
at the hotel?

Waitress?
Maid?

High-priced call girl?

I was at
the lowest point of my life.

Oh.

Low-priced call girl.

Is that someone else crying?

It's not a trained cry.

Oh, my God, don't jump!

Quick!

Jump on that runaway train!

My God, even in crisis,
I'm witty.

Quick.
We can pull her up.

Are you okay?

Why did you do that?

We thought you were gonna jump!

And you wanted to make sure?

I wasn't trying to kill myself.

I just dropped my handkerchief.

It was supposed to dab
my tears of joy.

Instead I was using it
to dab the tears of Joy.

My name is Joy.

- Oh.
- Oh, you poor thing.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm Melanie Moretti.

And this is Victoria Chase.

- Did you see E. T.?
- Maybe not now.

I'm Joy Scroggs.
Isn't that a hideous name?

I was about to be Joy Jones.

So snappy and alliterative.

I was this close
to being Scroggs-free.

Hi, I'm Joy Jones.

This is Joy Jones.

Come in!

Unless you're the groom.

Bellman, ma'am.
Delivery for you.

Just a moment.

I'm fine, thank you.

You look like
you came right off the canvass.

- You could--
- Well, I came right off the--

- out of the zoo.
- Out of the zoo.

- These are my little--
they're apes, they're gorillas,

- they're not monkeys.
- Oh, is--oh.

- Yes.
- Sorry.

What an annoying woman.

Hey, are you all right?

I can't move!

Oh, my God!
I'm paralyzed on my wedding day!

You want me to get a doctor?

No, I'm sure
it's just temporary.

Just a hideous freak accident
on the happiest day of my life.

What are you delivering?

It's a note from
a "kick bones."

Kyle Jones,
he has terrible handwriting.

But otherwise, he's perfect.

He's my fiance.
Would you mind reading it to me?

I'll try.

Uh, "Dear Jay--"

Joy.

Are you sure?
It looks like "Jay."

I think I know my own name.

"You're such a...
sweat person."

Maybe it's "swit."
"Swit person."

It's "sweet," you idiot.

Obviously, he thinks I'm sweet.

It's not
that obvious from here.

No editorializing.
What's next?

"But..."

Are you sure the word is "but"?

Y--yes, he wrote that
real clear.

All right, go on.

"Our relationship is ever."

Ever what?

Everlasting?
Ever-fresh?

There's no word
after "ever."

Oh, I see,
it's not "ever," it's "over."

"Our relationship is over."
Oh, that makes more sense.

Oh, my God.

There's more.

No, I can guess the rest.

Just go!

Usually I get a tip.

Here's your tip.
Never fall in love.

Well, I already did,
and we have a baby on the way,

so every dollar counts.

Okay, hold on.

I'll just get my purse.

Oof.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow.

Well, how are you?

Well, I'm pretty good,

according to
what everybody says.

You sure look--

Stop staring at me,
you're creeping me out.

Were you on TV in the '80s?

Yeah, I shot J.R.

My heart is truly broken.

I don't know how I'm gonna
get through this day,

let alone the rest of my life.

Well, you could always
go back to Australia.

I'm not from Australia,
I'm from England.

I took accents pass/fail
at Julliard, and...

I passed.

How can you stand this woman?

I just met her.

Florida panhandle.

- No, I'm from L.A.
- Oh, I don't think so.

So what did you do
after you heard the news?

I couldn't stay
in the honeymoon suite,

so after the feeling returned
to my limbs I checked out.

Another couple took the room.

This cute guy
and this perfect, petite--

Oh, no,
that was her boyfriend.

Hideous, stunted, little freak.

Thank you.

I didn't know where to go,
so I ran up here.

What about the wedding guests?

They're all down there waiting.

I can't tell them, it's just
too embarrassing and painful.

I just can't do it.

Uh, excuse me, excuse me,
everybody.

Could I have your attention,
please?

I'm Melanie Moretti.

You don't know me.

Well, I don't have to tell you
you don't know me.

If you don't know someone,
you know you don't know them.

Wow, I really do talk too much.

My boyfriend was right--
ex-boyfriend.

He's upstairs perking
some little pocket Venus.

I'm sorry, reverend.

Um, I have an unfortunate
announcement to make.

All men are bastards.

Especially Kyle Jones.

Perhaps I should handle this.

Uh, hello.
I'm Victoria Chase.

I'm sure that you recognize me
from my movies of the week,

commercials,
the Ooh-la-la Sassoon ad.

No?

Really? Seriously?
Nothing?

Yeah, I thought that would, uh,
turn my career around,

but it didn't.

You see, men aren't the problem,
it's life.

We all have dreams,
and those dreams get crushed,

and then you're--

Oh, excuse me,
my cellular phone.

Wow, it's so small.

Hello?

No, no, you're not
interrupting anything.

Mm-hmm.
You're kidding.

Honor St. Raven
on Edge of Tomorrow?

I got the part!

Oh!
My God!

Oh, my God, okay.

Okay,
forget everything that I said.

Hollywood is a magical land
where dreams do come true.

Oh, this calls for champagne.

Let us celebrate
this happy day.

Aren't you
forgetting something?

Oh, yeah.
The wedding's off.

My only worry this morning
was who I would toss this to.

Seems so trivial now.

I say you toss it to yourself.

I predict that you
will meet someone wonderful,

and be married within the year.

I just keep looking at you
and thinking,

"what kind of idiot
would walk away from that?"

If you're not married in
20 years, I'll marry you myself.

If I'm not married in 20 years,

I will jump off that roof.

This is so sweet of you.

None of my girlfriends
could fly over from England.

Fine, Australia.

Maybe you should
stay at my place tonight.

I know I could use the company.

Oh, and then tomorrow
we can go to the beach,

and slather ourselves
with baby oil,

and just lie out
in the sun all day.

Yeah.

Get a nice, healthy tan.

And then tomorrow night
we can hit the singles bars.

No.
I am through with men.

I'm done with men too.

Ah, who needs 'em?

Well, we're all good liars,

which is often
a good basis for friendship.

I can't believe I'm laughing
today, of all days.

I really don't know what
I would've done without you.

To us.

We've only just begun.

May it be
a long and happy union.

Here, here.

Mmm.

French champagne.

Hey, was this guy rich?

Victoria,
he was a terrible guy,

it doesn't matter
how rich he is.

Are you sure
you're from L.A.?

Yeah, your values are
suspiciously middle American.

You know, people tell me that
all the time.

Maybe I should move there.

Move to the Midwest?

Good God, I'd rather die.

Now you're all
living in the Midwest,

middle-aged, and alone.

It's funny, 'cause it's true.

We're not alone,
we have each other.

So that's how we met.

And we all remember
how we met you.

Now, there's just one thing
about this place

that I should mention.

Why are you renting
to prostitutes?

This is Elka Ostrovsky,
she's a caretaker

who comes with the house,
if you wish to retain her.

I'll leave you to get all that
worked out.

Look, Elka, these women don't
really seem to be your style.

They're from L.A.,
what did you expect?

I went out there one time.

I did well on a few game shows,

but I was very glad
to come home.

I'll tell them the place
is no longer available.

Oh, no, no.
They can stay.

I'll fix 'em.