Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 5 - One Thing or a Mother - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front of
a live studio audience.

Someone's looking sexy tonight.

All: Thanks.

I was talking about me.

I'm going out with Roy tonight.

Well, here's to us all having
hot dates on a Friday night.

Mm-hmm.

I have a date with a model.

He's young, good looking,

and a model.



[Laughs]
Have we seen him in anything?

Oh, tons of stuff.

The greater Cleveland
Mutual Bank ad

where the hands shake,

uh, the insurance ad
where the hands

cradle the baby chick,

and that plumber ad
where the hand

pulls out a wad of hair
from the drain.

So, he's a hand model.

Yes... a model.

Well I'm going out
with Lou again.

I absolutely adore him.

- But?
- No buts.

If he's dating you,
there's a but.



Fine.

I have no idea how old he is.

He's got the young face,
old hair thing

and because
he's African-American

it makes it even harder.

You know what they say.

[Whispers] Black don't crack.

Do I have to whisper
if it's a compliment?

Why don't you just
ask him how old he is?

Because then he might
ask how old I am,

and I haven't decided yet.

I have a date with cute,
cuddly, funny Andy.

Did I tell you that he
coaches kid's soccer?

Oh, sounds poor.

Victoria!

Anyway, I think
tonight's the night.

It's our 12th date.

I don't know how you can hold
out till the 12th date.

I never could.

Like you ever had a 12th date.

To your beauty.

Well, I'll drink to that.

[Both laugh]

Oh, my God, your hands,
they--they really are amazing.

Yes, they are.

Proportionally,
they're identical

- to Michelangelo's David.
- Hmm.

They're virtually poreless,

so they don't sweat
under the lights.

And my skin is
smooth as silk, yet taut,

like that of a ripe fruit.

Feel how plump, yet firm,
my hand meat is.

It's incredible.

I don't ever want these hands
to stop touching my face.

I can't tell you how many
hand jobs

this bad boy has done.

Hand jobs?

Well, yes,
they're my bread and butter.

In fact, the hand job I did
today is paying for this dinner.

[Laughs]

Oh.

Oh, voila.

[Clears throat] Mmm.

Where's my silverware?

Oh, this is Ethiopian food.

You eat it with your fingers.

Oh, no.
[Laughs]

No, no, no, I can't touch
exotic foods with my hands.

The spices might
discolor my cuticles.

Well, uh,
I'm not sure what to do.

Would you mind?

Mmm.

So, I had to pull some strings,

but I was able to get us
reservations at Finique.

Oh, that's so sweet.

We could go there.

Or, we could go upstairs.

Are you kidding?

The whole point of the fancy
dinner is to get upstairs.

Oh, uh, to be clear, your
bedroom is up there, right?

Because, otherwise,
I'm really hungry.

I have a theory that
the music you listen to

when you're young defines you.

For me it was '80s music:

U2, Michael Jackson, Prince.

How about for you?

Well, when I was young,
I studied the piano.

So I was into Baroque music:

Bach, Handel, Vivaldi.

Oh, I love that era,

because it's so...

- Ageless?
- Yes.

Would you excuse me?

I'm going to use the restroom.

Excuse me.

Do you see my date over there?

How old do you think he is?

Hard to say.

I can't tell if he's 45
or your age.

How old do you think I am?

I don't know, 60?

It's hard to tell
with white people.

You crack.

Elka, what are you doing here?

I--I thought we were
meeting in the restaurant.

I thought an
indoor picnic would be fun.

I've never seen your place.

Oh, it's a mess right now.

You know where
my favorite place is

for an indoor picnic?

Outdoors... let's go.

Are you hiding something?

Roy, who's at the door?

You said your wife died.

She did.

That's my mother.

Oh, your mother?

How old is she?

That's a rude question.

Uh, Elka, this is my mother.

Mother, this is Elka.

How do you do, uh,
nice to meet you.

You remind me
of Roy's first wife.

Thank you.

I didn't like her either.

How are we supposed to date

if your mother doesn't approve?

Elka, we're grown-ups.

We don't need her approval.

We can just sneak around.

I wish your father
was still around.

So he'd keep her occupied.

Oh, I wish he was too.

But, they broke up last year
and he moved to Boston.

[Phone beeps]

Oh, it's Mother.

She's having chest pain.

- Oh, no.
- Oh, I'm sorry, Elka.

I'll call you soon.

Oh, of course.

Hey, what happened with Roy?

Oh, his mother
isn't feeling well.

I'm sorry?

His mother?

Well, how old is she, like 110?

Yes, next week.

I just met her,
and she doesn't like me.

Why, did you bring up
some hot-button issue

like the Spanish-American war?

What happened to you?

Ugh, oh, Chad's car got a flat

and since he has
a... job tomorrow,

I had to change the tire
to protect his hands.

He's a model.

[Phone rings]

Oh, your phone.

Oh, it's from Roy's mother.

That bitch!

Elka!

"I can fake
a heart attack whenever I want.

G-T, G-T, P-I-R-I-O."
What--what is that?

It's senior text.

Gotta go,
the price is right is on.

So, how old is Lou?

No idea.

The man is impossible
to pin down.

Maybe instead of dating him,
you should be carbon-dating him.

- [Sighs]
- Wow, that was great.

Are you kidding?
It was fantastic.

Up high.

Which one of us
are we high fiving?

Team effort.

There's no "I" in orgasm.

[Sighs]

Well, now that we came
upstairs,

I'm kinda missing
that fancy dinner.

Well, I could
make you something.

Oh, no, it's okay.

I'll go grab us a snack
from the kitchen.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

Whoopsy.

What?

Do you want your boxers?

Because I think they're here
somewhere; I can find them.

Oh, that's okay.

I'm good, unless it bothers you.

No, no, no.

I love it.
[Both laugh]

I just thought you might
feel a little exposed.

Well, your roommates
aren't home yet, right?

- No.
- Well, then I'm cool.

My God, these pierogi
are so good.

Don't look now,

but Andy's in our kitchen

and he's half-naked.

Oh, my gosh, yum.

Red shirt, no pants--
that's an interesting look.

He looks like Winnie the Pooh.

Morning, everyone.

Morning.

So how was the 12th date?

Oh, so great.

You know, worth the wait.

But?

Okay, there's a but.

We know.

An actual butt.

Oh, no, you saw him.

He came downstairs last night.

He looked a little
like Pooh Bear.

That's it!

Yeah, it's a difficult look
for a man to pull off.

It's sort of like being
naked under a trench coat.

You know, when a woman
does it, it's sexy,

but when a man does it,
you call the cops.

I want him to stop, but
I don't know how to bring it up.

What am I gonna do?

You could ask Piglet.

Last night,
in the middle of the night,

he got up to open the window.

Pooh Bear.

This morning,
he was sitting in my

leather chair reading the paper.

Pooh Bear.

But I said I loved it.

Like you do.

[Giggles]

What am I gonna do now?

Maybe you should ask
Roy to talk to him.

He was a guidance counselor.

He's good at talking
to people about stuff.

Unless it's his mother.

Wait, his mother?

Roy lives with his mother

and she doesn't like Elka.

She just needs
to get to know you better.

Oh, let's just
have a cocktail party.

And we'll all talk you up.

And you can turn on
your unique Elka charm.

I am damn loveable.

And I'll invite Chad

so that you can all
experience his hands.

And I'll invite Lou,
and you guys can help me

figure out how old he is.

Maybe Roy could talk to Andy

and subtly let him know
that he should wear pants

so we don't have
to see his... his...

Hundred Acre Wood?

[Laughter]

And Chad, this is Lou.

Hey, that looks
like the handshake

from the Greater Cleveland
Mutual Bank commercial.

That was me.

I got a lot of money
for that BJ.

BJ?

Bank job?

Well, I can't go around
telling people

I make money doing bank jobs.

People would think
I'm a criminal.

[All chuckle]

All right, moving on,
Chad, this is Joy.

Oh, hello.

Oh.

Is something wrong?

No, it's just that um,

as a hand model, I'm sensitive
to hands that aren't...

Gender-specific.

Just say it.
She's got man hands.

Is there something on my face?

No, nothing definitive.

Chad, this is Andy.

Ah, oh bother.

Uh, I'll get some towels, okay?

Just keep your pants on.

Oh, that's okay, I've got my

soccer clothes in my car.

- I'll go grab them.
- Okay.

[Hums]

You can't laugh
every time he says

something vaguely Pooh-like.

He said bother.

You can't make that stuff up.

[Doorbell rings]
Oh, okay.

Roy and his mom are here.

Are you ready?

Remember, always be sweet.

No insults.

Oh, it's gonna be hard.

Hi, welcome.

Hello, everybody.

Which one's Pooh Bear?

Wow, oh, it is
blustery out there.

Never mind.

Thank you so much for coming.

Uh, Mother, this is
Melanie, Joy, and Victoria.

All: Hello.

Ooh, all so slender.

You could probably learn
something from them.

I try.

In fact, I feel
I'm a better person

just by being around them.

Aww.
[Chuckles]

It's just an act, Joy.

Don't get all gooey on me.

Roy, this is Chad.

Oh, Chad, hi.

Oh!

Feel like I'm
squeezing a flower.

Oh, thank you.

It wasn't a compliment.

Oh, but it was.

And this is Lou Moore.

Lou Moore, unbelievable.

- Roy Miller?
- Yeah.

I thought that was you.

Oh, how are you?

[Both laugh]

You two know each other?

Oh, yeah, Lou went
to my High School.

What?

Oh, that's right.

You were
a High School counselor.

No, Lou and I went
to school together.

He was a freshman
when I was a senior.

[Laughs]

Lou is the same age as Roy.

Are you kidding me?!

So do you really think that
Chad and I are perfect together

or are you just saying that?

No one said that.

Time to bring out the pierogi.

So I can tell
his mother to bite this.

Since it is such
a special occasion,

and we have such lovely guests,

Elka has made
her famous pierogi.

Aww.
[All cheer]

Why aren't you clapping?

Oh, I never clap.

The risk of damaging

my finger pads is too great.

Roy told me
that you made pierogi.

I-I'm looking forward
to trying them.

Well?

Eh, they're all right.

You've had better?

I make better.

Uh, Roy, get the pierogi
that I brought in my bag.

You brought your pierogi?

Well, I know what my son likes.

I remember these.

We used to eat these when we
sat around listening to the radio.

Who knows what evil
lurks in the hearts of men?

Both: The shadow knows!

What's it going to be, Roy?

Do you want
the pierogi lovingly made

by the hands of your mother?

Or the ones Elka made?

Why is this so tense?

I'm not a fan of
sweaty palm moments.

So, if I win an Oscar,
which I will,

you're saying that
you won't clap for me?

Absolutely not.

I can give a terrific salute,

double finger guns with a mouth
click. [Clicks]

Or I can go contemporary
with a roof raise.

But no [Silent] clapping.

Please, continue.

Go ahead, Roy.

Pick your pierogi.

No pressure.

Sorry, Mother.

Mmm.

Yes!

Elka, this is fantastic.

- Well, I am leaving.
- Aww.

Ugh, my heart.

She's faking.

I'm going to faint.

I've got you.

I usually get good money for
this kind of reach around.

I can help, I'm a doctor.

You are?

How did I not know that?

I retired 20 years ago.

Her pulse is fine.

But I suspect she's
having a panic attack.

We should take her
to the hospital

just to get it checked out.

Okay, all right, um,

oh, I'm so sorry, Elka.

I'll call you tomorrow.

All right, let's go.

I got your purse.

Oh, I almost forgot,

Andy,
the Pooh Bear thing is weird.

Cover up, nobody wants to
see your junk hanging out.

You were calling me Pooh Bear?

Is that why everyone was
laughing at my Bears jersey?

What?

No.

Yeah.

I get hot down there.
It's a real problem.

You said you loved it.

- Andy--
- No, no, no, okay.

Well, then, just forget it.
I'm done.

There will be no 13th date.

W...

Wow.

Quite an evening.

You should leave too.

What?

Why?

I have no future with a man

who won't clap for me.

I understand.

Good-bye, Victoria.

Could I...

Enjoy my hand meat
one last time?

Of course.

I love dating you, Elka.

But it's too stressful with my
mother faking heart attacks.

I understand.

Good thing is
she can't live forever.

At least that's what
my wife used to say

before she passed away.

Does your mother hate
all the women you date?

Just the pretty ones.

Aww.

Oh, Elka, we're so sorry.

I thought I'd reached
an age where I didn't

have to deal with
mama's boys any more.

Yeah, well, at least
your man could feed himself.

At least yours didn't
leave an image

you can't get out of your head.

Or your leather chair.

I didn't have
any issue with Lou.

Except that he was
as old as the hills.

You're always saying
age is just a number.

If you like Lou,
you should be dating him.

You're right.

I'm gonna call him.

[Laughs]
Joy's dating an old guy.

[All laugh]

Well, that was wow.

[Laughs]

Still got some
fuel in the tank.

I would say you do.

So, um, my age isn't
an issue for you?

Not at all.

- Good night.
- Night.

[Rattling sound]