Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 4 - Happy Fat - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front
of a live studio audience.

Do you remember?

You know that neighbor
who always looks at us

like she wants to kill us?

- You mean judgey face?
- Too-many-garage-sales lady?

We really need
to learn their real names.

It's judgey face.

She's chasing after me,
and she's armed.

Oh, Joy, come on.

Our neighbors are very sweet.
I seriously doubt that she's--



- I know you're in there.

Oh, she's got
a judgey voice too.

Where is she?

Who?

The one with the legs.

I'm right here.

You know who I mean.

That one.

Please...

What did I even do?

You dropped your mail,
bent over, and picked it up.

Yes?

In those shorts.

Don't you know there are
children in this neighborhood?



Children whose fathers
water the same patch of grass

for 45 minutes,

waiting for you to come
and pick up your mail.

It's the only part
of my lawn that's green.

Excuse me,
but I don't think Joy meant--

- No, it's not just her!
It's all of you!

You move into this neighborhood
with your Hollywood hair

and your gorgeous clothes
that never have sleeves.

It's no wonder
all our husbands stare.

Oh, do they really?

I haven't shown
my upper arms since 1998,

and you know
how hot it gets in August.

Understood.

From now on,
we will cover our arms.

No, no,
I don't want you to change.

I want you to change me.

Make me more like you.

Oh, you mean like a makeover?

Oh, we love makeovers.

First makeover rule--
no sharp accessories.

You know something
I would not change?

Your perfume.
It's so...

Wholesome.

It's bacon and maple syrup.

But I want to change.

I want my husband to pin me up
against that shower wall

like he used to.

And not just because
we both can't fit in there

together any more.

We can handle it.

We've done this for
lots of friends back in L.A.

Remember when
Angelina Jolie was so skinny,

people thought
she was going to die?

That was us.

Oh, I wish we could get
started right away.

But I'm sure the twins' swings

have slowed
all the way down by now.

How's tomorrow morning?

- Sure.
- Fantastic.

- Great.
- We'll see you then.

- See you then.
- Okay, bye-bye.

- Oh.
- Our first Cleveland makeover.

Well, this city
has done so much for us.

I think it's time
that we gave back.

We really are wonderful,
aren't we?

So where should we begin?

Well, her clothes for starters.

Everything she was wearing
was chosen for comfort

or some other
ridiculous reason.

Joy, did you piss off
a biker gang, too?

Roy took me on a motorcycle.

And we got here
on a motorcycle I took Elka on.

Roy, Elka,
you guys are yelling.

I-I think the motorcycle
affected your hearing.

Oh, no, I let Roy
do the steering.

You won't believe
how loud that engine is.

Um, would you like to say
our good-byes on the porch?

I heard "porch."

Oh, I was right.

I didn't want them to hear us.

I didn't want them
near us either.

Let's make out.

Now I wish I couldn't hear.

The hair and makeup
departments are ready.

Diet and culture is ready.

Exercise and constructive
self-loathing is ready.

What are you charging
for this makeover anyway?

It's free.

Still seems pricey.

Shouldn't you be out with Roy,
your rebel without a prostate?

Rebel is right.

I had no idea
what a wild man he is.

Roy?

He sees a motorcycle,
we have to rent one.

He sees a pet store,

we have to wear the biggest
snake on our shoulders.

Better watch out
for tattoo parlors.

Too late.
I'm sitting on a butterfly.

Roy's younger than I am.

I'm '40s Sinatra,
he's '50s Sinatra...

But he thinks
we're the same age.

And he must keep thinking that.

Now, lucky for you,

all three of us
have dated younger men

since moving to Cleveland,

and the most important lesson
we've learned

is to be totally dishonest.

Yes.

You have to lie about your age,
your weight.

Your energy level, all of it.

And you have to be up
for anything.

And sometimes down for stuff.

You mean I have to lie
about everything?

- Yes.
- Yes.

But when you lie
about your age, be careful.

Make your birth year
a nice, round number

or the math is unbearable.

Well, for you maybe,

but I can add or subtract
anything from 1963.

But everyone calls
Marilu Henner the genius.

So...

I could be born in...1935.

Depends.
When did you turn 18?

Oh...

Too slow.

It takes practice
to really deep down

know your new fake age,

but it's completely worth it.

Because after a while,

you actually start
to feel that age.

You mean I could feel
like I'm in my 70s again?

Yes.

Oh, that would be righteous.

Look out, world.
Here comes out Elka at 78.

Not till my next birthday.

Now you're getting it.

Look at us, doing good,
getting to know our neighbors.

That must be judgey face.

Pam and Sally want in.

Their husbands
have been gawking at you too.

Gawking, honestly?
At which one of us?

Please, come on in.
Hi, I'm Melanie.

I'm Pam.

You came to one
of my garage sales, remember?

But you didn't come back to any
of my other garage sales.

Yeah, we call you
"goes to one garage sale."

Wait a minute.

Joy's the one with the legs,

and I'm only
"goes to one garage sale"?

I'm Sally,

and I want to fit
into my short shorts.

That might take
a little "time time."

Okay, befores...

Welcome to your L.A. makeover.

Now, today's topic is food.

What is your relationship
to food? Kim?

- I love food.
- Me too.

The only dreams
I ever remember are of food.

One night I dreamed that my
husband was made of chocolate.

Then his snoring woke me up.

So I ate a bag of Oreos
in the bathroom.

Well, you're going
to love this diet,

because it lets you love food,

obsess over it, dream about it,
even put it in your mouth.

You just can't swallow it.

Are you serious?
We can't eat?

Well, think of food
as a bad boyfriend.

It only wants you to love it
so it can screw you.

Let's talk about meal planning.

Now, what is the most
important meal of the day?

- Breakfast?
- Exactly.

Which is why
it's so important to skip it.

For lunch,
you can have a salad.

Cobb salad?
Steak salad?

Mexican salad
with the edible bowl?

You can't
just take an entire meal

and slap the word
"salad" on it.

And if you make it through
the entire day without eating,

congratulations--
you can have one large Martini.

Or some veggies and fish
if you're in A.A.

I read somewhere
that if you don't eat enough,

your brain starts
to eat itself.

Which is more lost weight.

Okay.

After I got out of the army,

I hitchhiked around
for a while--

dangerous stuff, even for 1952.

17.
I was 17 in 1952.

I like the adventure
of the road.

I didn't settle down
in once place until 1955.

20.

And I came to Cleveland in '57.

22.

So...

What should we do next?

You know me.
I'm up for anything.

Oh, I noticed that.

I didn't even have
to talk you into riding

that backward
roller coaster with me.

Wasn't that fun?

I thought
you were a thrill seeker.

Now I know for sure.

- Takes one to know one.
- Yeah.

You know, maybe we should do
something crazy.

Like what?

How about skydiving?

Oh, I'm up...

And down for that.

Great job, ladies,

especially whoever was crying
on the way up that last hill.

Thank you.

- All right,
time for our weigh-in.

Pam, you're first.

I lost four pounds.

Care to make a declaration?

Well, to tell the truth,
my arms are so sore,

I haven't been able to hug
my kids all week.

- Marvelous.
- Fantastic.

I'm next.

Two pounds.
Declaration?

I did my hair and makeup
the way that Joy taught me,

which made me a couple
of hours late for work.

So a few 911 calls
did go unanswered.

But the cute Starbucks guy
winked at me

and gave me a free pastry,

which I, of course,
chewed and spit out.

You lost five pounds.
How do you feel?

I don't know.

Shaky, cranky.

I think the word
you're looking for

is "happy," huh?

Oh, oh.

Now, until you actually lose
the weight,

everyone looks thinner
in six-inch heels.

Now, practice walking around
the neighborhood

and pretend
you're as comfortable

as you were in those Crocs
we just took away from you.

I can't feel my feet in these.

The bluer the toe,
the sweeter the shoe.

Everyone's
going to stare at us.

Oh, you're welcome.

There you go.
You're doing it.

You are doing it.

Ooh, Sally's down.

And she's back up.

What a triumph.

We are
literally changing lives.

Roy and I
are going skydiving tomorrow.

Skydiving?

You can't do that.
It's too dangerous--

both for your real
and fake ages.

And I lied about my weight

on all the forms.

By how much?

As much as you told me to.

Oh, my God,
you're going to die.

You have to get out of this.

All right, I-I have some
experience in this area.

You need to lock yourself
in your trailer

and demand a stunt double.

No, you need a young-ish
excuse to get out of it.

Uh, you're wasted
from doing Jell-o shots.

Or you got your period.

I can't believe
I listened to you three.

You'd think
I would've learned something

after 77 years on this earth.

Wow.
That is fun to say.

Roy, I admit it.
I'm scared.

But you were nervous
on your first jump, right?

I sure am.

What?

I have a confession to make.
I lied to you.

I've never done this before.

But you said you were
a paratrooper in Korea.

Yes, that was the lie.

So we don't have to do this.

No.

Let me unhook the tandem line.

That's the safety--

And that's the last set
of Kegel exercises for today.

Quick, get these away from me.

I'm having a relapse.

What is that?

The walking taco.

I can't resist them.

It's chili, cheese, sour cream

all floating on a salty bed
of crushed Frito goodness.

I put raisins in mine.

Then it's a salad.

How many calories is that?

4,780 calories.

I'm the beautiful mind
of vanity math.

- Can I have it back?
- Of course not.

You shouldn't have
even brought it here.

You should have thrown it away
at your house.

At my house,
I would have just eaten it

out of the trash...

Like I want to do now.

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh.

♪ Hush, little judgey face,
don't you cry ♪

I only lied to make myself
seem more exciting.

But I'm no thrill seeker.

I only lied about that
because I lied about my--

- Oh!
- Aah!

Oh.

Oh, this is gorgeous.

Oh, it is.

So what did you lie about?

Uh, in good time.

Let's just enjoy the view.

Are we floating off course?

We're heading for Lake Erie.

They said with
our combined weight,

we'd drift right
onto the field.

About that...

Lovely day for a swim,
isn't it?

Aging gracefully is a myth.

Nature is only your friend
until you're 25,

and then you have to turn
to the unnatural--

Botox, fillers, and lasers.

I've heard lasers are painful.

Victoria will cover
pain killing tomorrow.

Don't miss it,
and don't plan on driving home.

Laser treatments make
your skin look years younger.

Here's how.

Imagine this marshmallow
is your sad, wrinkly face.

Now here comes
the helpful laser.

Of course it looks burnt
and blistery now,

but when the crust peels off,

it's all creamy
and smooth underneath.

Any questions?

No, you can't eat it.

Jerry, what are you doing here?

I knew
you weren't scrapbooking.

Are you the lucky husbands?
Please come in.

And tell us what you think
of your fabulous new wives.

We want our old wives back.

Yeah, our old wives
weren't hungry and cranky.

And they didn't take so long
to get ready.

But look at the results.
They're so hot.

How can you stand it?

Are you talking about sex?

Because my wife said that's over
until she gets abs.

My wife says nobody can have
abs and kids at the same time.

She says Gwen Stefani does.

Is that
the new kindergarten teacher?

Gentlemen, are you listening
to yourselves?

Now, your wives
didn't just do this for you.

They also did it for themselves,
for their own personal dignity.

Personal dignity?

Well, we were always doing it
for our husbands.

I think this is romantic.

The guys just want their wives
to be themselves.

Is that true, Jerry?

Did you really like me
the way I was?

Of course.

But you're always
staring at them.

Just to stare.

I wouldn't want
to be married to them.

Oh, God, can you imagine?

That would be a nightmare.

New Kim
doesn't even smell right.

You don't have that...

Bacon-y freshness.

Oh, Jer.

Come on, Sally.

Let's get home
and burn those short shorts.

Let's go, baby.

- Thanks, you guys.
- For what?

Well, all we wanted to know

was that our husbands
didn't want you.

And we got that.

Who needs a makeover now?

I'm sorry
if that came off mean.

I'm very hungry.

Apparently they think
we are gorgeous nightmares.

They didn't say "gorgeous."

Well, it was implied.

Well, I think it's sweet
how much they love their wives.

They did seem happy.

Well, they're happy
because they're back

where they were before
you hens pecked at them.

Elka, you didn't die.

Not so fast.

She could
just be back to haunt us.

I'm alive.

And I told Roy
the truth about everything.

Oh, big mistake.

He's okay with it.

What is happening to men?

Have standards sunk so low

that men are now accepting
women as they are?

You girls should accept
the way you are.

You should stop lying
about your age,

and you should eat.

Do you think
we're nightmares, too?

Can I go one at a time?

Oh, it's no fun kicking you
when you're down.

I'll wait
till tomorrow morning.

Maybe she's right.

Maybe we should loosen up
our routines a little.

Are you saying,
"when in Cleveland"...

"Eat a bit more"?

I smell something
from our kitchen.

It's the walking taco.

And it's not quite
in our kitchen.

That looks really good.

It's still in the bag.

Just grab it already before
the cheese stops bubbling.

So this is what
happiness feels like.

I feel so warm,

like my insides
are giving me a hug.

Te amo, walking taco.
Te amo.

I'm unbuttoning my pants...

Like an animal...

And loving it.

Feel my chili bump.

It is so freeing not stressing
about what we eat.

- We're loosening up.
- Hmm.

Maybe we can change.

Yeah, but isn't the lesson...
"Don't change"?

I-I mean, when we were in L.A.,
we were--

we were like everybody else,
but we came here,

and then we were special,

and if we make
everyone else like us

or--or we try
to be like them, then...

The spell is broken.

You're right.

They're happy being themselves.
We're happy being ourselves.

We just need to find men
who like us the way we are.

Men whose dream
it is to marry nightmares.

I'm buttoning.

Yeah, we need to work off
these calories fast.

We need to take a power run.

I'm not running anywhere
with this belly full of chili.

So why did we pour that whole
bag of marshmallows on top?

That's what makes it a salad.