Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 3 - Funeral Crashers - full transcript
When the drycleaners lose Melanie's favorite dress, Elka takes them funeral crashing to track it down. Joy and Victoria are forced to face their pasts and Elka is reunited with someone who might be part of her future: Roy (John Mahoney).
Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live
studio audience.
You lost my dress?
That wasn't just any dress.
That was my magic dress.
I always look amazing in it.
It's form-fitting,
but it doesn't suck me in.
I don't even have to
wear a shaper with it.
The dress is a shaper.
Magic!
You know what,
you don't understand.
Let me just talk to a woman.
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
I guess I'm not the first one
to make that mista...
I am?
Well, can you just text me
when you find the dress?
Thank you.
Unbelievable.
I know.
Our dry-cleaner guy
is a woman?
She's checking to see
if she delivered it
to someone else by mistake.
[Thuds from upstairs]
Joy's up.
Frowns, everybody.
Frowns.
Why are you telling me
to frown?
When I see Joy, it's automatic.
It's the anniversary of the day
she was left at the altar.
Yeah, her "non" anniversary.
So just go easy on her, okay?
She's extra sensitive.
Got it.
Oh, good morning, Joy.
I made coffee.
Poured you a cup.
Here you go.
Oh, great. Whatever.
I stopped at the bakery
on Franklin
and I got you
a chocolate croissant.
That's nice. Thanks.
What are you doing
with that dried up old thing?
It's my wedding bouquet.
I was talking to the bouquet.
[Ringtone chimes]
Ooh, they have the number
of the woman
who has my magic dress.
Hello, hi. Could I speak to
Jenny Van Alstyne, please?
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that.
She died.
Listen, there was a mix-up
at the dry cleaners,
and my dress got delivered
to her.
So I was wondering if I could
swing by today and pick...
Oh, today's the funeral?
Well, it'll just take
a few minutes.
I could be in and out...
Yeah, I can see on some level
how that might be disrespectful,
but if you could see me
in this dress...
Hello?
I'm gonna have to wait
until tomorrow.
No, but it might be too late.
What if the family
donates her clothes to charity
after the funeral?
No, no, no.
I can't lose that dress
it's irreplaceable.
I mean, it goes
from day to night.
It dresses up or down.
Ugh, I can't bear the thought
of it going
to a homeless person.
They'd only dress it down.
All I need is
a couple of minutes
in the dead woman's closet
to find my dress.
You need to find a way
to get invited to that funeral.
Just crash it.
Crash a funeral?
I crash funerals all the time.
To meet men.
Okay, how do we crash
the funeral?
Well, find some details
in her obit
so we can just blend in.
We? What,
you're going with me?
Well, I'm not gonna
let you have
all those grieving hotties
to yourself.
Okay, here's her obit.
"Jenny Van Alstyne,
82 years old.
Avid collector of coins..."
Boring.
"Hummel figurines..."
Creepy.
And hold on...
"Soap opera digest."
She had every issue of soap
opera digest ever printed.
- So?
- So...
I was on the cover
November 27th, 1988.
Oh, I lost my copy years ago,
and I have been on a mission
to find another one ever since.
I'm going with you.
Me too.
I can't be alone today.
And a funeral is the only place
I can cry in public
where people won't ask me
what's wrong.
And afterwards, I'll take you
to a browns game.
It's okay to cry
in public there too.
So what are the funeral
crasher rules?
Number one, if you think
you're gonna get caught,
just say you're
overcome with emotion,
and walk away.
Number two, when
coming up with a cover story,
specific details
make lies more believable.
Number three, pick an alias
that's close to your real name
so it'll be easy to remember.
For you neophytes, maybe,
but I am a trained actress.
I will me Zelda
Eugene Hackenbrook.
Oh, the stairs are clear.
I'm gonna go see
if I can find my dress.
Oh, I'll come with you.
Maybe my soap opera digest
is up there.
So what do we do now?
It's time to check out
the talent.
Hello.
Good-bye.
She was a beautiful bride,
wasn't she?
She looks so happy.
The groom showed up, didn't he?
You mean my grandfather?
Yes, he...
He showed up.
How did you know
my grandmother?
We met at
a collectors convention.
Hummel-Con.
We talked about coins.
Nickels mostly.
Oh, how she loved nickels.
- Hummel-Con.
People dress up
as famous Hummels.
I went as wishing well girl.
Sorry, I'm overcome
with emotion.
Now, who needs comforting?
Two shoulders, no waiting.
Hi, Elka.
I'm sorry, do I know you?
It's Roy, from the restaurant.
Ah... I knew a Roy...
Who said he was gonna call me,
but never did.
Could you find that Roy
and tell him
Elka's not interested?
Could you fellas
give us a moment?
Look, I know you're
still mad at me,
but I need to talk to you
about something.
You've got two minutes.
I know this sounds crazy,
but I believe the deceased
was murdered.
What?
Why are you telling me this?
Well, that night
that we went out,
you mentioned that
you always figured out
who the killer is
in those CSI shows
within the first five minutes.
That's because I recognize
the guest stars.
You don't hire a Tony Danza
to play a hotel concierge
with three lines.
See, that's the insight
we need to solve this case.
What makes you think
she was murdered?
I live next door,
and the night she died,
I saw her live-in nurse
burying
what looked like a syringe
in the backyard.
Of course, it could be nothing.
I've got a shovel in my trunk.
- Hey, how you doing?
- Hmm.
Well, I've only cried
uncontrollably twice,
so I think the funeral's
starting to cheer me up.
- Mmm.
- Did you find your dress?
No. It's not in any
of the closets upstairs.
Oh, don't worry, we'll find it.
If anyone would like
to pay their respects,
please, feel free.
[Gasp] Oh, my God!
That's my dress.
She looks beautiful,
doesn't she?
It's the dress!
That was a bust.
Those mourners were
looking at us
like we were crazy.
Yeah.
They didn't buy that
I was trying to get in
a little shoveling practice
before the burial.
You know,
we've gotta find some proof
that Jenny didn't die
of natural causes.
Nobody dies of
natural causes at 82.
She was just a kid.
Yeah.
I heard her lawyer say
she recently changed her will.
If we can find a copy,
we can see
if the nurse had a motive.
On the closer, she always
checks out the computer first.
Oh, it's password protected.
Well, can you crack it?
I can try.
It's usually a grandkid's name
or a pet's name.
Or a hobby. Uh...
Bingo!
What was the password?
"Bingo."
You're amazing!
Oh, look, her screensaver
is the ticklish loris.
What is that?
Oh, it's only the cutest
animal video ever.
Except maybe the honey badger.
Honey badger?
Where have you been?
What are you two doing in here?
Breaking into
a dead woman's computer
to solve a murder.
Oh, like on the closer.
No...
Soap opera digest...
Ah. You can't hide from me,
young Victoria Chase.
Okay, Anthony Geary cover...
Erica Slezak cover.
Oh... and there I am.
Sandwiched between John Stamos
and Rick Springfield.
Again.
Look at that face.
All right, I'll say it.
I haven't changed a bit.
Ow.
So you were rickety
back then too?
I'm not going to even
dignify that question
by straightening my neck.
Honey badger don't care.
You'll understand that
in a minute
look at that dress.
No wrinkles.
That's how well it travels.
It goes from here to eternity.
But how are we gonna
get it off her?
Well, a drink
and a couple of compliments
usually works for me.
Wait a minute, you're serious.
You're actually contemplating
taking a woman's burial dress
off her body.
That's my dress!
Now climb in there
and take it off her.
Me?
Yeah. I gotta
take off my clothes
to switch with her.
Plus, you're wearing pants.
Hurry up.
Why?
She's not going anywhere.
Someone might come in.
Oh, what the hell.
Happy non-anniversary
to me!
Oh, sweetie...
Maybe climbing in a coffin
will cheer you up.
Eww.
How am I supposed to do this?
Just ease in, like you're
going in a hot tub.
Eww! Oh...
Eww.
Oh, my God.
What on earth are you doing?
The dead lady has on
my magic dress.
So you're swapping dresses
with a corpse
without locking the door?
Ugh, rookies!
Hey, I found
my soap opera digest.
Oh, wow, and I had
totally forgotten about
this interview.
"Victoria chasing the dream."
Do you think you could
read that later
and give me a hand?
Oh, absolutely.
Oh, listen to this.
"In a few short years,
Victoria Chase
"has become
daytime's 'it' girl.
"Over lunch
at the Hard Rock Cafe,
"the model-thin Ms. chase
ordered
"a very un-model-like
cheeseburger and fries.
"Quote: 'This town's full
of actresses on diets.
'That's not me...
I love to eat.'"
oh, my snap is stuck!
Of course, I just
said those things, you know,
to confuse the competition.
You know, I figured
there'd be some
young actresses out there
who would read it,
be inspired to chow down,
and then just, like,
pork themselves
right out of the business.
It's like this dress
is glued on.
Victoria, help!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Of course.
Let's see, where was I?
"When asked about the future,
"Ms. Chase exclaimed,
'you're gonna see me
"'on the silver screen-
Spielberg, Coppola, Scorsese.
"'I'm gonna work
with all of those guys.
"'And if I'm still doing
television when I'm 35,
just shoot me.'"
oh, my God.
I'm such a failure.
I haven't done any of the things
I set out to do.
No one has sunk
as low as I have.
You do realize
I'm straddling a dead woman?
[Pounding on door]
Oh, uh, occupied!
What?
I gotta get in there!
Damn, two locks.
I'm sorry, I just wanted
to pay my respects.
What happened to your clothes?
Oh, I... I was
so overcome with grief
that I was rending my garments.
[Phony crying]
Do you mind if I have
some time with Jenny?
- Who?
- The deceased.
Oh, oh, that Jenny.
I'm sorry, I didn't know
who you were talking about
because we were so close that
we gave each other nicknames.
I called her... rooster.
Okay.
Do you think you could
come back another time?
I drove all night to be here.
I have to see her
one last time.
- No, no, no.
- Don't open that!
Why?
Uh...
She was in an accident
and was horribly disfigured.
Well, I don't care.
I have to say good-bye
face to face.
- Hold it...
- Oh, my God, I...
Wow.
The undertaker did
a wonderful job.
Is she even dead?
Oop. Yep, she's dead.
Look at those big loris eyes.
I'll tickle you.
[Laughter]
Ah... again?
Well, don't you think
we should get back
to the murder investigation?
Oh, yeah. You're right.
Um, is there a will listed
in her documents?
No, nothing.
Just a screenplay called
Hummels: A Love Story.
Oh. The nurse must have
erased the will.
Well, that means the nurse
has access to this computer.
Yeah.
You know,
I saw a Law & Order one time
where they looked up the
killer's web browsing history
and found incriminating
searches,
like household poisons,
how to kill someone.
They've really
dumbed down that show.
Thanks. I just need
a little time alone with her.
[Loudly]
We'll be right outside!
All right.
Hi, Jenny.
It's me, Dan.
I know it's been a long time,
but I just had to
see you again.
There hasn't been a day
in the past 50 years
that I haven't regretted
breaking our engagement.
It's the biggest mistake
I ever made.
Can you find it in your heart
to forgive me?
No!
- Jenny, is that you?
- No!
What are you doing in there?
Who are you?
Joy Scroggs.
And speaking
for all jilted women,
you are not forgiven.
Who made you
their spokesperson?
Trust me, I am way
overqualified for the job.
There was the guy who left me
when I got pregnant
as a teenager,
or the guy who left me
at the altar.
Take your pick.
Look, you've obviously made
a lot of different life choices
that led to you
lying in a coffin.
But you have no idea
how much I loved that woman.
Not enough to stick around.
Jenny and I were
supposed to get married,
but I called it off
because I realized
I couldn't give her
the life she deserved.
She was too good for me.
Well, did you tell her that?
No, because she would have
tried to convince me otherwise.
But I knew the truth.
That's why I disappeared.
I wonder if that was the case
with the guy
who left me at the altar.
Oh, one look at you, I can tell
he wasn't good enough
for you either.
Thanks.
I forgive you.
I... I mean I'm sure
she'd forgive you.
We forgive you.
She met someone else,
you know, after me.
I heard from mutual friends
she was very happy.
That's nice.
You know, sometimes I think
I'll never get married.
Oh, I can't believe that.
But if I may say so,
you might be going about it
the wrong way.
May I ask what you were doing?
- There was a mix-up
at the dry cleaners.
I was trying to get
my friend's dress back.
I couldn't see you
at all in there.
How'd you even fit?
I dropped out of college
to become
a magician's assistant.
He left me for the girl
who swallowed the swords.
Please come in, everyone.
- What happened?
- Where's my dress.
Still on the dead woman.
Oh, no.
Oh, no!
Oh, I know. It's been
a sad day for all of us.
But I just try to remember...
To everything,
there is a season.
Mine was fall, 1988,
oh, is that from
my grandmother's collection?
Yes. She wanted me
to have it.
Oh. Were you
and my grandmother close?
She called her "rooster."
Well, perhaps you'd like
to be the first
to say a few words.
Oh, improv really
isn't my thing.
Just speak from the heart.
Share some memories
of happier times.
When we are young, we are so
naive and full of hope
we believe that
anything is possible.
And we make plans
that never materialize.
And instead of accolades,
our lives are full of regrets.
Although she ultimately failed,
at least she tried
to reach for that brass ring.
But my grandmother didn't fail.
She was chief of surgery
at the Cleveland clinic.
Well, yeah, Cleveland.
Sorry.
Cock-a-doodle-doo,
old friend.
Okay, would anyone
who actually knew my grandmother
like to say a word before
we move to the cemetery?
I'd like to.
Dr. Van Alstyne was
the kindest,
sweetest person I ever met.
It was an honor and a privilege
to be her live-in nurse.
Murderer!
You made up
that whole murder thing?
Why would you do that?
I'm sorry, I was just
trying to get you away
from those silver-haired
pretty boys.
- You garter-sock blocked me?
I didn't call you
after that date
because I was scared.
My wife had just passed away,
and I wasn't ready to move on.
And then I was,
and you were engaged,
and your dead husband
appeared, and...
It felt complicated.
Well, why did you
come up to me today?
Because as soon as I saw you,
I knew I'd made a mistake.
If you're ready for me,
I'm ready for you.
I am.
- Oh, hey, your non-anniversary
is almost over.
It ended when I talked to Dan.
In fact, this is the last year
on the non-anniversaries.
It's time to move on.
Bravo, Joy.
And I'm ready to move on
from the naive words
of a silly little girl.
You know, tv was
very good to me.
And I'm proud
of the work I've done.
Good for you, Victoria.
And besides, Helen Mirren
didn't win an Oscar
until she was 60.
So that means I have, what...
20 years to make it happen.
I guess I'm gonna have to
give up all hope
of ever seeing
my magic dress again.
You know, it was a burial,
not a cremation.
I'm just sayin'.
Elka, we're gonna need
your shovel.
That's for solving crimes,
not committing them.
But it's my magic dress.
I'm sorry sweetie,
honey badger
don't give a [Bleep]!
Okay.
in front of a live
studio audience.
You lost my dress?
That wasn't just any dress.
That was my magic dress.
I always look amazing in it.
It's form-fitting,
but it doesn't suck me in.
I don't even have to
wear a shaper with it.
The dress is a shaper.
Magic!
You know what,
you don't understand.
Let me just talk to a woman.
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
I guess I'm not the first one
to make that mista...
I am?
Well, can you just text me
when you find the dress?
Thank you.
Unbelievable.
I know.
Our dry-cleaner guy
is a woman?
She's checking to see
if she delivered it
to someone else by mistake.
[Thuds from upstairs]
Joy's up.
Frowns, everybody.
Frowns.
Why are you telling me
to frown?
When I see Joy, it's automatic.
It's the anniversary of the day
she was left at the altar.
Yeah, her "non" anniversary.
So just go easy on her, okay?
She's extra sensitive.
Got it.
Oh, good morning, Joy.
I made coffee.
Poured you a cup.
Here you go.
Oh, great. Whatever.
I stopped at the bakery
on Franklin
and I got you
a chocolate croissant.
That's nice. Thanks.
What are you doing
with that dried up old thing?
It's my wedding bouquet.
I was talking to the bouquet.
[Ringtone chimes]
Ooh, they have the number
of the woman
who has my magic dress.
Hello, hi. Could I speak to
Jenny Van Alstyne, please?
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that.
She died.
Listen, there was a mix-up
at the dry cleaners,
and my dress got delivered
to her.
So I was wondering if I could
swing by today and pick...
Oh, today's the funeral?
Well, it'll just take
a few minutes.
I could be in and out...
Yeah, I can see on some level
how that might be disrespectful,
but if you could see me
in this dress...
Hello?
I'm gonna have to wait
until tomorrow.
No, but it might be too late.
What if the family
donates her clothes to charity
after the funeral?
No, no, no.
I can't lose that dress
it's irreplaceable.
I mean, it goes
from day to night.
It dresses up or down.
Ugh, I can't bear the thought
of it going
to a homeless person.
They'd only dress it down.
All I need is
a couple of minutes
in the dead woman's closet
to find my dress.
You need to find a way
to get invited to that funeral.
Just crash it.
Crash a funeral?
I crash funerals all the time.
To meet men.
Okay, how do we crash
the funeral?
Well, find some details
in her obit
so we can just blend in.
We? What,
you're going with me?
Well, I'm not gonna
let you have
all those grieving hotties
to yourself.
Okay, here's her obit.
"Jenny Van Alstyne,
82 years old.
Avid collector of coins..."
Boring.
"Hummel figurines..."
Creepy.
And hold on...
"Soap opera digest."
She had every issue of soap
opera digest ever printed.
- So?
- So...
I was on the cover
November 27th, 1988.
Oh, I lost my copy years ago,
and I have been on a mission
to find another one ever since.
I'm going with you.
Me too.
I can't be alone today.
And a funeral is the only place
I can cry in public
where people won't ask me
what's wrong.
And afterwards, I'll take you
to a browns game.
It's okay to cry
in public there too.
So what are the funeral
crasher rules?
Number one, if you think
you're gonna get caught,
just say you're
overcome with emotion,
and walk away.
Number two, when
coming up with a cover story,
specific details
make lies more believable.
Number three, pick an alias
that's close to your real name
so it'll be easy to remember.
For you neophytes, maybe,
but I am a trained actress.
I will me Zelda
Eugene Hackenbrook.
Oh, the stairs are clear.
I'm gonna go see
if I can find my dress.
Oh, I'll come with you.
Maybe my soap opera digest
is up there.
So what do we do now?
It's time to check out
the talent.
Hello.
Good-bye.
She was a beautiful bride,
wasn't she?
She looks so happy.
The groom showed up, didn't he?
You mean my grandfather?
Yes, he...
He showed up.
How did you know
my grandmother?
We met at
a collectors convention.
Hummel-Con.
We talked about coins.
Nickels mostly.
Oh, how she loved nickels.
- Hummel-Con.
People dress up
as famous Hummels.
I went as wishing well girl.
Sorry, I'm overcome
with emotion.
Now, who needs comforting?
Two shoulders, no waiting.
Hi, Elka.
I'm sorry, do I know you?
It's Roy, from the restaurant.
Ah... I knew a Roy...
Who said he was gonna call me,
but never did.
Could you find that Roy
and tell him
Elka's not interested?
Could you fellas
give us a moment?
Look, I know you're
still mad at me,
but I need to talk to you
about something.
You've got two minutes.
I know this sounds crazy,
but I believe the deceased
was murdered.
What?
Why are you telling me this?
Well, that night
that we went out,
you mentioned that
you always figured out
who the killer is
in those CSI shows
within the first five minutes.
That's because I recognize
the guest stars.
You don't hire a Tony Danza
to play a hotel concierge
with three lines.
See, that's the insight
we need to solve this case.
What makes you think
she was murdered?
I live next door,
and the night she died,
I saw her live-in nurse
burying
what looked like a syringe
in the backyard.
Of course, it could be nothing.
I've got a shovel in my trunk.
- Hey, how you doing?
- Hmm.
Well, I've only cried
uncontrollably twice,
so I think the funeral's
starting to cheer me up.
- Mmm.
- Did you find your dress?
No. It's not in any
of the closets upstairs.
Oh, don't worry, we'll find it.
If anyone would like
to pay their respects,
please, feel free.
[Gasp] Oh, my God!
That's my dress.
She looks beautiful,
doesn't she?
It's the dress!
That was a bust.
Those mourners were
looking at us
like we were crazy.
Yeah.
They didn't buy that
I was trying to get in
a little shoveling practice
before the burial.
You know,
we've gotta find some proof
that Jenny didn't die
of natural causes.
Nobody dies of
natural causes at 82.
She was just a kid.
Yeah.
I heard her lawyer say
she recently changed her will.
If we can find a copy,
we can see
if the nurse had a motive.
On the closer, she always
checks out the computer first.
Oh, it's password protected.
Well, can you crack it?
I can try.
It's usually a grandkid's name
or a pet's name.
Or a hobby. Uh...
Bingo!
What was the password?
"Bingo."
You're amazing!
Oh, look, her screensaver
is the ticklish loris.
What is that?
Oh, it's only the cutest
animal video ever.
Except maybe the honey badger.
Honey badger?
Where have you been?
What are you two doing in here?
Breaking into
a dead woman's computer
to solve a murder.
Oh, like on the closer.
No...
Soap opera digest...
Ah. You can't hide from me,
young Victoria Chase.
Okay, Anthony Geary cover...
Erica Slezak cover.
Oh... and there I am.
Sandwiched between John Stamos
and Rick Springfield.
Again.
Look at that face.
All right, I'll say it.
I haven't changed a bit.
Ow.
So you were rickety
back then too?
I'm not going to even
dignify that question
by straightening my neck.
Honey badger don't care.
You'll understand that
in a minute
look at that dress.
No wrinkles.
That's how well it travels.
It goes from here to eternity.
But how are we gonna
get it off her?
Well, a drink
and a couple of compliments
usually works for me.
Wait a minute, you're serious.
You're actually contemplating
taking a woman's burial dress
off her body.
That's my dress!
Now climb in there
and take it off her.
Me?
Yeah. I gotta
take off my clothes
to switch with her.
Plus, you're wearing pants.
Hurry up.
Why?
She's not going anywhere.
Someone might come in.
Oh, what the hell.
Happy non-anniversary
to me!
Oh, sweetie...
Maybe climbing in a coffin
will cheer you up.
Eww.
How am I supposed to do this?
Just ease in, like you're
going in a hot tub.
Eww! Oh...
Eww.
Oh, my God.
What on earth are you doing?
The dead lady has on
my magic dress.
So you're swapping dresses
with a corpse
without locking the door?
Ugh, rookies!
Hey, I found
my soap opera digest.
Oh, wow, and I had
totally forgotten about
this interview.
"Victoria chasing the dream."
Do you think you could
read that later
and give me a hand?
Oh, absolutely.
Oh, listen to this.
"In a few short years,
Victoria Chase
"has become
daytime's 'it' girl.
"Over lunch
at the Hard Rock Cafe,
"the model-thin Ms. chase
ordered
"a very un-model-like
cheeseburger and fries.
"Quote: 'This town's full
of actresses on diets.
'That's not me...
I love to eat.'"
oh, my snap is stuck!
Of course, I just
said those things, you know,
to confuse the competition.
You know, I figured
there'd be some
young actresses out there
who would read it,
be inspired to chow down,
and then just, like,
pork themselves
right out of the business.
It's like this dress
is glued on.
Victoria, help!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Of course.
Let's see, where was I?
"When asked about the future,
"Ms. Chase exclaimed,
'you're gonna see me
"'on the silver screen-
Spielberg, Coppola, Scorsese.
"'I'm gonna work
with all of those guys.
"'And if I'm still doing
television when I'm 35,
just shoot me.'"
oh, my God.
I'm such a failure.
I haven't done any of the things
I set out to do.
No one has sunk
as low as I have.
You do realize
I'm straddling a dead woman?
[Pounding on door]
Oh, uh, occupied!
What?
I gotta get in there!
Damn, two locks.
I'm sorry, I just wanted
to pay my respects.
What happened to your clothes?
Oh, I... I was
so overcome with grief
that I was rending my garments.
[Phony crying]
Do you mind if I have
some time with Jenny?
- Who?
- The deceased.
Oh, oh, that Jenny.
I'm sorry, I didn't know
who you were talking about
because we were so close that
we gave each other nicknames.
I called her... rooster.
Okay.
Do you think you could
come back another time?
I drove all night to be here.
I have to see her
one last time.
- No, no, no.
- Don't open that!
Why?
Uh...
She was in an accident
and was horribly disfigured.
Well, I don't care.
I have to say good-bye
face to face.
- Hold it...
- Oh, my God, I...
Wow.
The undertaker did
a wonderful job.
Is she even dead?
Oop. Yep, she's dead.
Look at those big loris eyes.
I'll tickle you.
[Laughter]
Ah... again?
Well, don't you think
we should get back
to the murder investigation?
Oh, yeah. You're right.
Um, is there a will listed
in her documents?
No, nothing.
Just a screenplay called
Hummels: A Love Story.
Oh. The nurse must have
erased the will.
Well, that means the nurse
has access to this computer.
Yeah.
You know,
I saw a Law & Order one time
where they looked up the
killer's web browsing history
and found incriminating
searches,
like household poisons,
how to kill someone.
They've really
dumbed down that show.
Thanks. I just need
a little time alone with her.
[Loudly]
We'll be right outside!
All right.
Hi, Jenny.
It's me, Dan.
I know it's been a long time,
but I just had to
see you again.
There hasn't been a day
in the past 50 years
that I haven't regretted
breaking our engagement.
It's the biggest mistake
I ever made.
Can you find it in your heart
to forgive me?
No!
- Jenny, is that you?
- No!
What are you doing in there?
Who are you?
Joy Scroggs.
And speaking
for all jilted women,
you are not forgiven.
Who made you
their spokesperson?
Trust me, I am way
overqualified for the job.
There was the guy who left me
when I got pregnant
as a teenager,
or the guy who left me
at the altar.
Take your pick.
Look, you've obviously made
a lot of different life choices
that led to you
lying in a coffin.
But you have no idea
how much I loved that woman.
Not enough to stick around.
Jenny and I were
supposed to get married,
but I called it off
because I realized
I couldn't give her
the life she deserved.
She was too good for me.
Well, did you tell her that?
No, because she would have
tried to convince me otherwise.
But I knew the truth.
That's why I disappeared.
I wonder if that was the case
with the guy
who left me at the altar.
Oh, one look at you, I can tell
he wasn't good enough
for you either.
Thanks.
I forgive you.
I... I mean I'm sure
she'd forgive you.
We forgive you.
She met someone else,
you know, after me.
I heard from mutual friends
she was very happy.
That's nice.
You know, sometimes I think
I'll never get married.
Oh, I can't believe that.
But if I may say so,
you might be going about it
the wrong way.
May I ask what you were doing?
- There was a mix-up
at the dry cleaners.
I was trying to get
my friend's dress back.
I couldn't see you
at all in there.
How'd you even fit?
I dropped out of college
to become
a magician's assistant.
He left me for the girl
who swallowed the swords.
Please come in, everyone.
- What happened?
- Where's my dress.
Still on the dead woman.
Oh, no.
Oh, no!
Oh, I know. It's been
a sad day for all of us.
But I just try to remember...
To everything,
there is a season.
Mine was fall, 1988,
oh, is that from
my grandmother's collection?
Yes. She wanted me
to have it.
Oh. Were you
and my grandmother close?
She called her "rooster."
Well, perhaps you'd like
to be the first
to say a few words.
Oh, improv really
isn't my thing.
Just speak from the heart.
Share some memories
of happier times.
When we are young, we are so
naive and full of hope
we believe that
anything is possible.
And we make plans
that never materialize.
And instead of accolades,
our lives are full of regrets.
Although she ultimately failed,
at least she tried
to reach for that brass ring.
But my grandmother didn't fail.
She was chief of surgery
at the Cleveland clinic.
Well, yeah, Cleveland.
Sorry.
Cock-a-doodle-doo,
old friend.
Okay, would anyone
who actually knew my grandmother
like to say a word before
we move to the cemetery?
I'd like to.
Dr. Van Alstyne was
the kindest,
sweetest person I ever met.
It was an honor and a privilege
to be her live-in nurse.
Murderer!
You made up
that whole murder thing?
Why would you do that?
I'm sorry, I was just
trying to get you away
from those silver-haired
pretty boys.
- You garter-sock blocked me?
I didn't call you
after that date
because I was scared.
My wife had just passed away,
and I wasn't ready to move on.
And then I was,
and you were engaged,
and your dead husband
appeared, and...
It felt complicated.
Well, why did you
come up to me today?
Because as soon as I saw you,
I knew I'd made a mistake.
If you're ready for me,
I'm ready for you.
I am.
- Oh, hey, your non-anniversary
is almost over.
It ended when I talked to Dan.
In fact, this is the last year
on the non-anniversaries.
It's time to move on.
Bravo, Joy.
And I'm ready to move on
from the naive words
of a silly little girl.
You know, tv was
very good to me.
And I'm proud
of the work I've done.
Good for you, Victoria.
And besides, Helen Mirren
didn't win an Oscar
until she was 60.
So that means I have, what...
20 years to make it happen.
I guess I'm gonna have to
give up all hope
of ever seeing
my magic dress again.
You know, it was a burial,
not a cremation.
I'm just sayin'.
Elka, we're gonna need
your shovel.
That's for solving crimes,
not committing them.
But it's my magic dress.
I'm sorry sweetie,
honey badger
don't give a [Bleep]!
Okay.