Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 2 - Beards - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Oh.

Do you think I should put
on another sweater?

- I'm wearing five.
- Five?

I'm like a Russian doll
up in here.

I have got
a fantastic announcement.

Now that I'm a gay celebrity,

I've been invited to give a talk
on an exclusive lesbian cruise

to the Caribbean.

How's the food?

Well, how would I know?



I don't even know
how the food is here.

Are you one of those people
that goes crazy for cruise food?

I've been on six cruises.
Never seen the ocean.

Oh, who cares about food?

The most powerful gay women
in Hollywood will be listening

as I share my inspiring story

of falling in love
and marrying Joy.

But it's all a lie.

You know, a story doesn't have
to be true to be inspiring.

I mean, Titanic proved that.

My car got stuck
in a snowdrift.

So? There's always some guy
that'll help us get it out.

And there was.
And he was cute.

And he asked me out.



But I had to say no
because I'm married to you.

I want a divorce.

And you shall have one after
I have squeezed every last drop

of advantage
out of this marriage.

And to say thank you,

I am taking you
on a Caribbean cruise.

Really?

'Cause I've heard cruises
are great places to meet men.

They often are,

but this one is gay,

and they want us to talk about
how happy we are.

No, no.
We agreed no more functions.

This is a function.

A floating function
for which there is no escape.

Okay, I can't believe
that I'm saying this,

but...

Hey, what if
I gave you my...

Doucette Freres handbag?

The Doucette Freres?
Really?

What is it?

Only the greatest handbag that
civilization has ever produced.

Oh, leather as soft
as a baby's bottom

and twice as useful.

Crafted in a small town
of Saint-Amedee

by a single family
with tiny hands.

The result of mercury poisoning
in the local river.

When they cleaned up
that river,

that was the end
of Doucette Freres.

Okay.
I'll do it.

For the bag.

- All right.
- Great.

Welcome aboard.
Well, who said you could go?

Well, I could stay home,
call the press and out you.

Are you willing to be gay?

I'm gay for heat.

♪ Ba ba ba ba ♪

[Cruise ship horn blares]

♪ ♪

♪ Hey ♪

[Gasps] Oh, look.
They highlighted my talk.

"A journey to Joy:

My sexual awakening at the hands
of a middle-aged lesbian."

Oh, God.
I need to see the bag again.

Oh.

No, no. Mustn't expose it
to the sea air.

I've had two meals already.
We haven't even left port.

And I had port.

Is this a muumuu?

It's a cruise muumuu.

The most forgiving
of all the muumuus.

It's huge.

Well, now.

In six days,
it'll be skintight.

Hello, ladies.
Welcome aboard.

I'm Captain Lebeau.

And you must be
Victoria Chase.

Indeed I am.
[Laughs]

- And your friends?
- Who?

Oh, uh, yes.
This is, uh, Melanie, Elka,

and of course,
my lovely wife, Joy.

Enchante.

Aren't you a charming,
charming, charming man.

I try.
I'll see all of you later.

- Yes, yes.
- I certainly hope so.

I'll be in touch.

Way to be gay, guys.

All right, well,
if we can't have a man,

we can at least
have Manhattans.

Go fetch us some drinks.

Melanie?

Caroline.

Oh, my God.
That's my sister.

I can't believe this.

I didn't even know
you were gay.

This is blowing my mind.
We're both gay.

[Stammering]
Yeah. Right.

Because why else would
we be on a gay cruise?

Caroline, baby.
Mommy's thirsty.

Melanie, this is
my girlfriend, Nan.

Nan, this is my sister,
Melanie. She's gay.

[Laughs]
Yeah, and she's gay.

If she isn't, I owe her
an apology for last night.

Melanie, we have so much
to talk about.

So much time to make up for.

We finally have
something in common.

This changes everything!

[Knocking at door]

Captain Lebeau.

What an unexpected pleasure.

I try.

I want to invite
both of you to dine with me

at the captain's table
tonight.

Of course.
What time?

2100 hours?

From now?

No.

No.
2100 is military time.

It is the same as
two bells on the first watch.

Well, that clarifies
it handsomely.

Victoria,
I need to talk to you.

- What, now?
- Yes, please.

Oh, all right.
I--I'll be right back.

So, it is just us.

Oui.

Sorry.
Just--just we.

Captain, if I told you
something personal,

in strictest confidence--

It would be protected
by captain-passenger privilege.

I've heard of it.

The thing is...

I'm not gay.

I sensed that.

I'm trying to make you
sense that.

You've done it
successfully.

There's something else
I'd like to do successfully.

But not now.

Oh.

Come back later, when Victoria
is getting a massage.

So neither of you knew
the other one was gay?

I'm not gay.

But I don't want to blow this
chance to connect with her,

and I'm afraid if she finds out
it's a lie, she'll hate me.

Well, for now, build trust
with your sister,

get her to like you, and then
tell her it was all a lie.

What should I say?

I mean, what if she asks
if I have a girlfriend?

Well, tell her you do.

Well, who would I get to
pretend to be my girlfriend?

You're not really my type.

Victoria, I just want
to say good-bye.

I will see you tonight
at dinner.

I'll see you out.

Uh, Joy? Melanie needs
some gay advice.

Well, why can't
you help her?

Well, you're a little
gayer than I am.

She really,
really needs you.

I'll see you later, Captain.
[Giggles]

So, it is just we.

I sense something about you.

You're not gay.

How dare you!

Oh.

Don't worry, little bird.
Your secret is safe.

Protected by
captain-passenger privilege.

I've heard of it.

Perhaps you swing both ways.

Hmm, perhaps I swing one way
and then toward you.

Perhaps, you would like
to swing by my cabin later.

Perhaps I'd like that
very much.

Shall we say 1700 hours?

1700 hours.

[Whimpering]
When is that?

Can't believe the two of you
grew up in the same house,

and you didn't know
the other one was gay.

I had no clue.

I had a few.

You did?

Oh, your dates--they were
always so uncomfortable

around you.

No, they weren't.

I was really good
at passing for straight.

And didn't you play trumpet
in marching band?

Doesn't mean anything.

Yeah, right.

I can't wait to meet
your girlfriend.

[Laughs]

Hi, lover.

Hi...Lover.

Elka, this is my sister,
Caroline,

and her girlfriend, Nan.

And this is my Elka.

Wow. I have
so many questions.

I'm rich.

No more questions.

Plus, the sex
is amazing.

[Woman over P.A.]
Attention.

In ten minutes,
we'll be closing the shrimp bar.

Oh, damn, baby.
I gotta hit that.

[Chuckles]

Yeah, well, okay, you know,
she's older,

but it's kind of like
a May-December sort of thing.

More like, May-May
the following year.

But they're happy,
and that's what matters.

Or maybe what matters is that
our glasses are empty.

Okay, I'll get us
another round.

Hey, I say we get
a little plastered,

and drunk dial mom and dad
and tell them

both their daughters are gay.

Think about it.

[Forced laugh]

So are you really happy
with Elka?

Oh, yeah, for sure.

'Cause after all those years
of settling for a man,

you shouldn't have
to settle again.

Well, you know, I wouldn't
call it "settling."

So pretty.

If you were my woman, I'd never
leave you for a shrimp bar.

Okay.

Ahoy, Captain.

Oh, thank God you're here.

Caroline's girlfriend
just hit on me.

Hit on me--
I need a plan.

Just tell your sister
the truth.

She'll understand.
Now off you go.

I know, but what if she hates
me for pretending to be gay?

I don't want it
to separate us again.

That's why you have
to tell her now

before it gets out of hand.

Good?
Good.

Okay, thanks, Joy.
You're a really good friend.

Yeah, yeah.

[Knocking at door]

Ahoy, Captain.

Oh, your beard is so rough.

- Should I shave?
- No.

I like it rough.

Joy, are you in there?
I forgot my key.

Damn!
In there, quick.

Here you are.

Now off you go before
you miss your massage.

Yeah, I think I did miss it.

I just can't figure out this
whole nautical time thing.

And then Elka ran into me and
spilled chocolate ranch dressing

all over my blouse.

- So now I have to rinse it out.
- No!

Everything rinsing properly?

Yeah, I'll be out
in a second.

[Gasps]

What are you doing here?
Are--

- I couldn't wait to see you
so I snuck in.

When I heard your wife coming,
I hid.

So you broke into my cabin,

and now you're hiding
in my shower?

In a less sexy man,
that would be creepy.

You have to get
rid of your wife.

I'll meet you later.

Fine.
What time?

Six bells on the dog watch?

- When?
- 1900 hours?

What?

Just find me later.
I'll make time.

[Moaning]

[Sighs]

There.
That felt good.

You know,
to get the stain out.

Now to your massage?

Oh, I have an idea.

Um, why don't you take mine?

Oh, I'm good.

Maybe you could do
another activity?

Pottery might take
a long time.

Or, or you could do
an activity.

Or we could do one together.

Oh, great.

Let's both go do some
gay activity together.

[Chuckles]

Oh, uh, hold the elevator.

I just want to
get my earrings.

Did she see you?

Of course not.

[Sighs in relief]
Let's meet again, later.

Eight bells
on the dog watch?

Is that at the front
of the boat?

Just find me.

Oh, Captain Lebeau.

What are you doing here?

Oh, executive captain
turn-down service.

I've heard of it.

Do you think, maybe, you could
do something like that for me?

Um, I'm so sorry.

I really have to
draw the line somewhere.

You're straight.

I can explain.

What's to explain?
You're not gay.

Can't believe you would lie
to me like that.

No, no.
Don't go.

I--I had to lie
to get on this cruise,

but then, when I saw how happy
you were, I kept it up,

because, well,
you were so happy.

Because I thought we finally
had something in common.

We do!
We grew up in the same house.

We had the same
crazy parents.

I always wanted
to be closer to you,

but you'd never
let me in.

Why didn't you tell me
you were gay?

Oh, you wouldn't
understand.

Try me.
[Sighs]

When you're a kid,
and you realize you're gay,

you automatically
have a secret,

and that makes you feel
different from everyone else.

And it's even harder when your
sister is "little miss angel."

I did not ask mom
to make me that mug.

My mug said, "would it
kill you to wear a dress?"

I'm sorry.

It must have been
really hard.

Yeah, it was.

And it would have been
really nice

to be able to talk
to you about it.

And you could have.

But I didn't know that.

And maybe I was scared.

Scared of what?

Scared you'd think
I was weird.

Scared that you'd tell
mom and dad.

You know they would freak.

So I just put up this wall,

and then I got used to living
behind the wall.

Well, for the record,

I wouldn't have thought
you were weird.

And I never would have told
mom and dad.

Well, unless mom gave me
that look,

and I would have spilled
everything.

You are a spiller.

And then I wouldn't
have been able to have

sleepovers
with my girlfriends.

- Julie Barnett?
- Oh, yeah.

- You scored a cheerleader!
- [Laughs]

Wow.

I always wanted this.

Me too.

So what do you say?

New beginnings?

Sure.

So what do you think of Nan?

Oh, yeah. She's good,
she's great.

Super fun.

'Cause I'm thinking
of breaking up with her.

Dump her.
Dump her now.

So how did Nan take it?

Well, she's mad at me,
but it's really weird.

She kept saying how she hoped

the two of you could
still be friends.

[Woman over p.A.]
Ladies and ladies,

take your seats.

Victoria Chase's talk,
"A journey to Joy:

My sexual awakening at the hands
of a middle-aged lesbian."

Doucette Freres, Doucette
Freres, Doucette Freres.

Joy, what's wrong
with your face?

It's all red.

No, it isn't!
Is it?

It looks scoured.

Is that beard burn?

Joy, got a little captain
in you?

What?
He turned me down!

Is it really that bad?

I tried to cover it up.

I better go and put on
some more makeup.

Victoria, we're supposed
to be out there.

Oh, I was just applying
a little more makeup.

Why are you covering
your chin?

I'm...
Thinking deep thoughts.

Why are you covering
your chin?

I was thinking, "why is she
thinking deep thoughts?"

- You've been with the captain.
- You've been with the captain.

I couldn't take it anymore.
What's your excuse?

Oh, he tricked me
with his good looks.

I can't believe
he played us both.

Oh, I can't believe it,
either.

You know, if I were you,

I would just avoid him
for the rest of the trip.

You just want him
for yourself!

Yeah, well, I need him more
than you do.

[On speaker]
The strain of pretending

to be a celebrity lesbian
is exhausting.

[Chuckles]

My phone, my phone!

Especially being
the femme one.

But I'm the femme one.

Oh, please.
With those hands?

These hands were the ones
that opened you up sexually,

according to that bogus talk
you're about to give.

[Cell phone vibrating]

"Your mic is on.

The L-Words can hear
everything."

Oh, baby girl.

Why don't you
come on over here,

and let mama give you
some sugar, huh?

Do you know any lesbians?

All right, all right.
Fine, fine.

It's over.
I am not gay.

I was just trying
to jump-start my career.

And while all of your cameras
are rolling,

I-I would like to apologize
to everyone here.

And to those who have been
deceived,

in this whole misguided fake
gay marriage escapade,

and especially to my dear friend
and soon to be ex-wife, Joy.

You know,
of all my ex-spouses,

you truly are the most
supportive and understanding.

I'm still keeping
the Doucette Freres.

Over my dead body!

I'll see you in court!

You know, this marriage
was never consummated,

so you are gonna get nothing
and like it.

[Faint arguing]

You know, there's
a maritime superstition

that it's bad luck for a captain

to romance just
two women on a ship.

It's called the rule of three.

And I have hear of it.