Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 1 - Elka's Choice - full transcript

Last season
on Hot in Cleveland...

Are you asking me
to marry you?

If you'll have me.

You dosed us
with dog drugs?

Well, not on purpose.

It looks just like
the aspirin bottle.

I've just noticed I'm...

I'm wearing a wedding ring.

Did I get married
last night?

We don't know.

We don't know what we did
last night.



Therefore, by the power
vested in me

by the province
of Ontario...

We're married!

- Elka, don't do it!
- Max?

Marry me!

I should have
never let you go.

She's not gonna marry
any of you losers.

She's already married
to me.

Elka, who is that?

My dead husband!

- Elka!
- Elka?

She's not
in the guest house.

Where could she be?

Snitch!



Did they follow you
from church?

No. When you ran off,
they were still fighting.

Ohh...

I had something borrowed
and something blue.

I didn't think my something old
would be my dead husband.

Oh, it's my agent.

But I'm not even gonna take it.

That's how important
this situation is.

You poor thing.
You must be in shock.

Yeah, you're right.

It's just gonna be hanging
over everyone's head,

so I'll just call him back
and, you know,

just get it over with.

Oh. You're getting a text.

Oh, why did I teach them
to text?

Read it.

It's from Fred.

"Elka, please,
my heart is breaking.

- LOL."
- LOL?

Oh, he thinks it means
lots of love.

Oh, I feel terrible.

I keep picturing him
standing at the altar,

looking at me with
so much LOL.

Oh. It's Max.

"I've fallen...In love.
And I can't get up."

Oh...Max.

He's the Ross
to my Rachel.

You have a voicemail too.

Play it.

Hey, runaway bride.
It's your husband.

For 40 years, I've been missing
two things from Cleveland,

you and the pastrami
at Nate's.

To be honest,

you're both a little fattier
than I remember.

But hey, kid,
you're still gorgeous.

And I love ya.

Gimme a buzz, baby.

Oh...Bobby.

I miss his subtle
sense of humor.

What are you gonna do?

It's all too much,

and I have to get away
somewhere to think.

I have got the most
amazing news.

I'm going to New York.

My agent just booked me

to be a guest on that new
morning talk show, The Chatter.

That cheesy rip-off
of The View?

It's not a rip-off.

It's three women discussing
vital issues of the day.

How is that different?

Well, The View has four.

And that's the best part.

My agent said that The Chatter
is looking for a fourth too.

This could be my chance to get
back on national television.

I have a great idea.
Why don't we all go to New York?

Elka, that'll give you
time to think!

Just get me out of here
before they come after me.

They're slow,
but they'll be here.

I still can't
get over it.

Everyone in the world
wants to marry you,

and here I am
withering on the vine.

Victoria married you.

It never happened.

We will never speak
about our wedding

to anyone
outside of this room.

I'm not your wife.
You're not my husband.

Well, how come I have to
be the husband?

I just said
it never happened.

It doesn't matter
who the husband is.

No, but your instinct
was that I was the husband.

You're not listening
to anything I'm saying.

Oh, yeah, sure, of course.
It's always me.

Yeah, you two don't seem
married at all!

Why is my coffee mug empty?
It's Tipsy Tuesday.

Wine me, people.

Good.
Dear lord,

if you can't make me great
today,

please make
the others terrible.

Victoria
had better be good.

She kept me up all night
practice interviewing her.

Married two days,
and you're already whipped.

By the by, I understand
that the producers

are looking to add
a fourth co-host,

and not to toot
my own horn,

but...Beep beep!

I have a wildly popular
local show--

Oh, hi! Ohio!

In fact, I'm sort of the...

Oprah of the middle east.

I thought Ohio
was in the midwest.

I think you're thinking
of a different Ohio.

Sorry, hon, but the producers
are looking for a gay one.

You know, to compete with
the Rosies and the Ellens.

Gay, you say.

And now,
angrier than The View

and talkier than The Talk,

it's...
The Chatter!

Good morning, everybody,
and welcome to Soap Opera Week.

We're gonna be talking
to all your favorite stars

whose shows have been
canceled

to make room for this show.

So let's meet our first guest
chatterbox, shall we,

from The Edge of Tomorrow...

Victoria Chase!

Thank you.
Thank you, all.

So...Soap opera cancelled.

- Very sad.
- So sad!

You're nobody now!

So what's new in your life,
sad girl?

Well, actually, Christal,

I have some very big news.

And I want to say it
loud and proud

for the first time right here
on The Chatter.

I just got married!

- Aah!
- Oh!

That's fantastic!

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

To a woman.

Oh, God.

Well, go on with
your gay self!

Sweet Pinot Grigio!

You married five men,
and now you're into women?

Yes. Yes, uh, in fact,

that's my beautiful bride
right over there.

Joy Scroggs-Chase,
stand up, honey.

You must be a leg man.

Well, it wasn't her
personality

I saw from across the room.

You two make a lovely...
Abomination.

Shut up, Libby.

Joy, you're gorgeous.

But two lipsticks?

How does that work?

I-- it--

Ooh...

I see what you mean
about the personality.

Joy, what turned you
off men?

Was it the smell?

Or was it their ungodly
demand for sex in the morning?

What woman wants to stare down
that barrel before coffee?

Joy and I have sex
in the morning all the time.

Don't we, baby?

Look, we were at Elka's
bachelorette party,

and Melanie mixed dog medicine
with alcohol,

and...

And...if you really
want a juicy story,

her husband came back
from the dead

to stop her getting married!

Maybe it's just because

I'm on my second
bottle of coffee,

but I want to hear that!

We got to get her up there!

Am I right, ladies?

And one man?

- There's no room.
- We'll make room.

Come on!

So let me see
if I'm following this.

Your husband faked
his own death

and hid from the mob,

and he didn't tell you?

He was trying
to protect me.

Aw!

You know,
as a lesbian thespian,

I too know the pain
of a life in hiding.

And he left you all that
stolen loot to live on?

Yes. But I didn't know that.

Ooh!

But why is no one bringing up
that a man plays dead

for 40 years,

then he expects his woman
to jump, hmm?

She has to jump.

In the eyes of God,
she's still married to him.

Yes. But I'm also in love
with Max and Fred.

Ooh--

Really? I mean, come on.

If ever there was
an ooh moment...

So...

Who are you gonna choose,
pretty lady?

Ohh...

I have no idea.

Oh!

Good coffee!

I can't believe this.

People wants an interview.

Ellen, Conan, Leno--

Oh, my career is taking off.

I only wish I had been
brave enough

to come out
a long time ago.

Oh, God, I love you.

Get your hands off me!

I am not speaking to you,

and I'm never speaking
to you again.

Oh. My little
spitfire.

That's what I'll call her
on Leno.

Bobby--
what are you doing here?

I'm your husband.
I'm not going anywhere.

Hey, you two,

how many lesbians does it take
to make me a sandwich?

You kidding me?
You call this a pickle?

No wonder
you can't get a man!

It's not that I can't
get a man, it's--

Oh, never mind.

Cheerio!

Now I know why the mob
wants to kill that guy.

That's my husband
you're talking about.

For now.

We are still going over
the pros and cons

of Max, Fred, and Bobby.

Yeah, well, I would
choose Fred.

I mean,
look at that adorable face.

Oh, my Freddy bear.

Really?

I choose Max.

I've always had a crush
on him myself.

He's all man.

Well, except for his hip.

Titanium.

More wine, darling?
How--how many is that?

I need this.

I've had a very
stressful day.

Yeah, well, I would
go easy on that.

You know how you get.

So...

Who would you choose?

Well, I think both Max
and Fred are wonderful guys.

Look at how many good qualities
you have listed for them.

All you had for Bobby is
already married

and funny.

Why didn't you write down
hot, hot, hot?

'Cause I thought
you were joking.

Women find him scrumptious!

Him.

Hot, hot, hot.
Write it down.

Even if you do find Bobby
hot, hot, hot,

I say cross him off.

He faked his death
for 40 years.

He won't even tell you
where he was!

Yeah.

Cross off the first hot.

And he didn't come back
when you were arrested.

He only came back
because he thought

you might be with someone else.

You practically
went to prison.

Yeah.

Cross off the second hot.

And he cheated on you
with your best friend.

He had a son you never
even knew about.

You're right!

Cross off funny!

Elka.

Okay. I'll tell him
it's all over.

Martin Scorsese
saw me on The Chatter.

He wants to have
a meeting with me

to discuss a character
he's developing--

a woman who discovers her
true sexuality later in life.

That is my story!

Is this character
also an idiot?

I'm sorry.
I just can't go with you.

So...I guess
this is good-bye.

Didn't you used to be
a blond?

Didn't you used to be
something?

It's happening...
Isn't it?

The heat.

I'm on fire.

I could roast marshmallows
over here.

What are we gonna
do about it?

Everything!

Damn you, you bald
ancient Adonis!

Enough with the stirring!

Why is it ever since
we got married

everything you do
annoys me?

Because ever since
we've been married,

you have been a needy
little [Mutters] bitch.

What did you just
call me?

Stop it, you guys!
I hate it when you fight.

Oh, see?
Now you've upset Melanie.

What has happened to us?

This marriage is ruining
our friendship.

Hey, boy!

"Send more bath oil."
Elka.

More? She and Bobby have
been marinating in that tub

for days!

Well, I guess when you're as
wrinkled as Bobby,

it's hard to know how long
you've been in the water.

I can't believe
she chose Bobby.

I thought for sure
she'd choose Max.

Well, you can't compete
with first loves.

I mean, she's been romanticizing
this relationship

for over 40 years.

Yeah. Obviously,
the chemistry's still there.

I mean, we've all done
crazy things for great sex.

I miss doing crazy things
for great sex.

Aw, don't be sad.

How about I take you out later
and buy you something pretty?

That'd be nice.

Okay, this...
Weird.

Guys,

I came over to say
good-bye.

- Oh, no.
- What are you talking about?

Bobby and I are leaving
in an hour.

Seriously--you're gonna
leave Cleveland

and go on the lam
with Bobby?

Couldn't Bobby hide here
from the mob?

Oh, he'd always be
looking over his shoulder.

And with his bursitis,
that'd be very painful.

Well, where are you gonna
be hiding?

I can't tell you that.

That's what hiding means.

Elka, are you sure this is
what you want to do?

It's a really big step.

And we're really
gonna miss you.

Oh, I'm sure you will.

And now I'd better go...

Before you three start crying.

Joy, come on.
The taxi's waiting.

Wait--is that what
you're wearing?

It's Scorsese,
not "scores easy."

Elka gave me that one
before she left.

There's nothing inappropriate
about this.

- It's fine.
- If we were courting, sure.

But I already bought the cow.

You don't need to
give away the milk.

Oh, my God.
I married a wanker.

Hey, guys, Elka
left me a message.

- What did she say?
- It's what she doesn't say.

I think something's wrong.

Hey, girls,
I promised I'd call,

so here's my call.

Bobby and I
are very happy.

I miss you all.
Even Joy.

Bye.

Well, she sounds sweet,
content, upbeat.

See? I told you
something's wrong.

I agree.
"Even Joy"?

Clearly,
it's a cry for help!

Well, I'm gonna find her,

and if she's as miserable
as she's not sounding,

convince her to come home.

You'll never convince her.

You're a pushover
when it comes to Elka.

I'm the one
who can drag her home.

Oh, you and Elka
will just fight.

No, no, once again,
I have to come along

and be the voice of reason.

Just call Scorsese
and reschedule the meeting.

I can't believe
I just said those words.

It'll make you seem
more in demand.

Ah... that's the woman
I married.

No.

If she had to hide out
in the Southwest,

couldn't it have been Sedona
where all the nice spas are?

Chance!

Where's Elka?

How did you guys find me?

Oh, we were searching
the guest house for clues

when I noticed you had written
on a pad next to the phone.

So I took a pencil
and I started to lightly shade

over the impression,
and that's when I realized

it was a souvenir pencil
from the Happy Shopping Grounds!

Shh!

Don't let him hear you.

Listen, we don't want
to blow your cover,

but your message
really worried us.

Oh! I knew I shouldn't
have said I missed Joy.

Is everything okay?

Well...

I just wanted my marriage
to go back the way it was.

- But it didn't?
- No, it did!

I had just forgotten
the way it was.

Other than the raging passion,
we don't have a thing in common.

You know what?
Then come back with us.

I rented a Prius.
He'll never even hear us leave.

I can't.
He's my husband...

Even if we have run out
of things to say to each other

in five days.

Well, that's just sad!

Said the woman
in the fake gay marriage?

Well, at least
our fake marriage

is based on friendship.

I mean, sure we bicker a bit,

and Joy can be
a little demanding,

but at the end of the day
we laugh

and we like each other.

Thanks, Victoria.
That's sweet.

And darling, I'm sorry
I've been so touchy lately.

Oh, it's okay.
We're good.

I can't believe this.

I'm actually jealous
of you two.

Elka, don't you think
you deserve the type of marriage

these two have?

Bobby, we've gotta talk.

This isn't working.

I know.

Whatever we had is as buried
as I thought you were.

It was worth a shot.

All we had was...the heat.

I will miss that.

Well, you know where I am.

Maybe once a year?

Sounds good to me.

Any chance you'll get
any younger by then?

Thanks for leaving me
with a laugh.

Love ya, kid.

Love you too.

Right now I could be
in a heart-shaped tub

in the Poconos with Fred.

What is it
with you and baths?

I like to be clean.

And dirty
at the same time.

You know, maybe you should
take a break

from men for a while.

No. I'm not ready
to settle down yet.

If there's one thing
I learned on the reservation

it's that wild horses
can't be broken.

Well...

At least you didn't get
married to someone

who'd leave you
in the middle of a flight

to flirt with
Portia de Rossi.

Oh, this again?
Portia is married to Ellen.

They're lesbian royalty.
It could help my career.

You know,
ever since we got married,

that's all I ever hear about--
your career!

You never think about me.

Women! Am I right?