Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 22 - Elka's Wedding - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front of a live
studio audience.

- Season Finale -

[Screams]
[Screams]

[Both scream]

Your hair!

Your hair!

What is all this?
What happened?

Who are all these people?

Where is Melanie?

Help!



Melanie!

Help.

[Screams]

Your hair!

We've already screamed
about the hair.

Are you okay?

How can I be okay?

I'm "duck-taped" to a wall!

It's duct-taped,
with a "t."

And I know this because I played
a plucky plumber's wife

in the lifetime
original movie...

Seriously? Now?

How did all this happen?

[Doorbell rings]
Who's that?



The stripper's here.

Yea!

Afternoon, ma'am.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Uh, look,

your car is parked
too far from the curb.

I'm gonna let you off
with a warning, but...

All right,
enough with the patter.

Come on in and show me
what you got.

Excuse me?

Look, I have 20 women
coming here

expecting to see a g-man
in a g-string.

Doesn't look like
you're packing much heat.

Stripper's here.

We're gonna go
grate some cheese on his abs.

I'll just take
that ticket now.

Well, seeing that
you're a local celebrity...

Local?

I've seen you on the news.

Anyway, make sure
you move that car.

And by the way,

these pants are deceiving.

I'm packing plenty.

Where's the stripper?

Oh, it wasn't a stripper.

It was a real cop.

And he let me off
with a warning

because I'm
a "local" celebrity.

- Well, that's nice.
- No, it's not.

I'm a national celebrity.

I mean, it's one thing
to own Cleveland,

but to be Cleveland's own...

Dear God, I need a drink.

Wait, wait, wait.

As maid of honor,

it's my responsibility
to make sure

that no one has a hangover
at Elka's wedding tomorrow.

It's a bachelorette party.

We're supposed
to drink heavily.

I know because
I've been a bridesmaid

so many, many times.

We can drink,
but I read on the Internet

if you take lots of aspirin
and drink water,

you won't get a hangover.

You know, you can't believe
everything you read online.

It also said
you need to coat your stomach

with carbs.

Ah, on the other hand,

the Internet is
a kind of folk wisdom.

And we don't want to ruin
Elka's big day.

No.

And that's the last thing
I remember.

Me too.

Okay, so basically,
the only thing we know for sure

is that hairy-bellied young men
enjoyed themselves.

But I need some more
of that aspirin.

Oh.

Melanie...

This isn't aspirin.

It's the dog's worm medicine.

What?

You dosed us
with dog drugs?

Well, not on purpose!

It looks just like
the aspirin bottle.

"If ingested by humans,

"could result
in extreme erratic behavior,

anxiety, delusions,
depression..."

Both:
[Gasping, groaning]

"And sudden weight loss."

- Oh!
- Oh, really?

I could lose a pound
or two.

I'm sure whatever weight
we lost was offset

by the gallons
of champagne we drank.

And maple syrup?

Maple syrup!

I just remembered something.

I kissed a man that smelled
like maple syrup.

But which one was it?

[Sniffs]

Jagermeister.

[Sniffs]

Goldschlager.

[Sniffs]

Oof.

A general Matthew McConaughey
kind of funk.

Wait!

No, I-I remember
maple syrup guy.

No, he, uh,
he had a mustache

and a-a funny accent,

and I kissed him after you.

Damn!

Even during confusing
animal medicine blackouts,

I can't keep a man.

Guys, we can figure out
what we did later.

Right now we have to get

all these people
out of here

and get ready
for Elka's wedding.

[Whimpering]
I'm a terrible maid of honor.

Oh, God.

I've just noticed I'm...

I'm wearing a wedding ring.

Did I get married last night?

We don't know.

We don't know what we did
last night.

It must have been
the funny-accented man

with the maple syrup mustache.

Not the most promising profile,
but at least he's mine.

Not so fast.

Apparently,
I got married too.

Come on, go on.
Yeah, get outta here.

Right, yeah.

Why are you giving them
gift bags?

Well, I'm still the hostess.

Mascara?

Don't you have something
for guys?

You weren't even supposed
to be here.

Anyway, it's L'oreal
million lashes.

You should just give it
to your girlfriend.

Oh, cool, then.
Here.

Why me?

Dude, we totally
made out last night

for, like, three hours.

Check my Facebook page.

Thanks.

Ladies, uh,
we have a little problem.

I can't find Elka.

She's not in her cottage,

she missed
her hairdresser's appointment,

and she's not answering
her cell.

She's getting married
in three hours.

Oh, m...
This is a disaster!

All right,
let's not go

to full-out panic
just yet.

[Doorbell rings]
I'm sure she's with Fred.

Oh, no, it's Fred.

Uh, look, you're not supposed
to see the bride.

Unless, of course,
Elka called or emailed you

and asked you to come over.

Did she do that?

No, I haven't talked
to Elka

since she was getting ready
to come to your party.

- Ah.
- Ooh!

Some party!

My bachelor party
got a little wild too.

Caffeinated sodas
after 10:00.

[Chuckles]

Still feeling it.

It's a great story, Fred.

Well, nice to see you.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

I need you guys to find
my lucky shorts.

I left them
in Elka's bedroom.

What's so lucky about them?

Well, the fact that
they're in Elka's bedroom...

Would have...

Okay, we will find them,

and we will get them
to you.

Black boxer briefs.

Uh, low-rise.

Mesh side panels.

You paint a vivid picture.

Oh, and when you talk
to Elka,

will you please tell her
that every hour we're apart,

my heart becomes
a little smaller.

Awww.

And it's not good
for my heart,

so tell her
to call me already.

Can we full-on panic now?

It doesn't make any sense.

There's no sign
of her anywhere?

Sign! Elka was looking
for a sign.

We talked about it last night.

I remember being
very interesting and witty.

Wazzuuuuuuup?

You're loaded,
that's wazzuuuuuuup.

But I'm not gonna get
a hangover

because I took lots and lots
of aspirin.

What are you doing out here?

Weren't you having fun
at your party?

I was,
but it's almost midnight,

and I haven't gotten
my sign yet.

Your sign?

From my late husband, Bobby.

So I'll know if he's okay
with my marrying Fred.

[Owl hoots]

An owl.

Was that the sign?

It might be.

Bobby always liked
those potato chips

with the owl on them.

I...

Love...

Potato chips.

[Owl hoots]

Oh, I've gotta get
a closer look

at that owl.

I know.

I'll climb up
and ask him if it's okay

if you get married.

No, you're too drunk.

No, I'm just drunk enough.

Mr. Owl...

Wazzuuuuuuuup!

Oh, God,
I feel so vibrant

and alive and energized
and alive!

And did I say alive?

I meant to say it twice
because that's how alive I feel.

I feel weird.

Maybe we should stop drinking.

No, that's quitter talk.

You need to be strong
in the face of your emotions

because I've noticed
your emotions

can sense your moods,
and then when you're sad,

they're happy
because they want...

And can you believe Elka
is getting married

before I am?

Llllocal celebrity.

Ah, that's how it starts.

Or should I say finishes?

She's been married before.
Melanie's been married before.

You've been married
like a million times.

It can't be that hard.
I'm gonna get married tonight.

I know, I'll lower my standards.

But how is that even possible?

The four stages
of an actor's life.

"Get me Victoria Chase.

"No, get me a Victoria Chase
type.

"No, get me
a young Victoria Chase.

[Sobbing]
Who's Victoria Chase?"

I'm so glad we're having
this conversation

because I feel we're connecting
on a deeper level.

God, I feel so alive!

How's the owl look?

Scary, like wolf blitzer.

Owl, is it okay
if Elka gets married?

What's he doing?

Staring at a gray squirrel

that looks like
Anderson Cooper.

Oh, wolf blitzer
is carrying him away.

I'll save you, Anderson!

Whoa... yaaaah!
[Thud]

I'm okay.

I think that squirrel
bit my ankle.

Or maybe it was
one of the frat boys.

Either way, I'm gonna need
a tetanus shot.

[Gasps]
Frat house.

I remember.

Elka was looking for her sign
from her husband,

so she wanted to go
to all the places

where they had memories.

That's right.

We went to their first
apartment,

which is now part
of a college dorm.

Which explains the frat boys

all over the furniture
this morning

and why someone wrote
Kappa Sig on my back.

The mugs.

The mugs?

Who are you,
Edward G. Robinson?

The mugs over the bar.

We went there last night,
remember?

Because that's where
Elka's husband proposed.

He surprised her
by arranging the mugs

to spell "marry me."

And what did they spell
last night?

Oh, I hope Elka
didn't see that.

Oh, hey, you're back.

Oh, thank God you remember us.

We're desperate to find
our friend Elka.

Was she here with us
last night?

Yeah, she got upset and left
after she saw these mugs.

Why do they say
"don't do it"?

It was for the purity pledge
dinner.

You guys stayed
and took the oath.

We did?

Not you.
You won a wet t-shirt contest.

I entered a wet t-shirt
contest?

You started it.

You came in wearing
a wet shirt

and challenged everybody.

I believe
your exact words were,

"nobody can beat these."

Holy...

Oh!

I remember
how I got wet.

We were in church.

- Was it my wedding?
- Or mine?

No, it's the church
that Elka and Fred

are gonna get married at.

She was still looking
for her sign.

God didn't get married
either, did he?

I mean, there was no Mrs. God.

Would she be Mrs. God?
Not if she kept her maiden name.

But why would she do that?

Mrs. God!

It would be so easy
to get reservations.

God was alone.

I feel his pain.

That's why we're both
so vengeful.

I'm gonna marry the next guy
that'll have me.

What guy wouldn't have you?

What guy hasn't had you?

Can we get back to my sign?

Bobby, please.
Give me something.

I know what we can do.

You can open the Bible,
close your eyes,

and then put your finger
on a passage

and see what it says.

Oh, like God's magic 8 ball.

Signs point to yes.
Outlook cloudy.

You're going on a long trip.
Agh!

That's a fortune cookie.

I can't look.

I shall do the reading
of the word.

Uh, "those who marry
will face many troubles

in this life."

Oh, no.

Uh, how 'bout best twoeth
out of threeth?

"The Lord has prepared
his people

for a great slaughter."

And, uh,

may the oldest and most
bedazzled amongst you

nay, sweateth not,
but just go for it.

You made that up.

You just blasphemed.

Blas...
Blaspheme... bla...

You did a bad thing.

What are you eating?

Oh, I found these crackers

with these cute little ts
on them.

Those are crosses.

You're eating
the communion wafers.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I'm gonna go
straight to he...

Help.

So high on dog medicine,

I ate a box
of communion wafers

and won a wet t-shirt contest
drenched in holy water.

How many sins is that?

Well...

Well, at least the wafers
hadn't been blessed yet.

How do you know that?

Don't you remember
on Edge of Tomorrow,

when honor St. Raven
became a nun

and took a vow of silence?

You know, I did all my acting
with my eyes.

Hey.
Weird question.

Did you take my iguana?

The iguana's at our house.

We'll bring it back
after the wedding.

If there is a wedding.

(Both)
Pancakes.

The thing about pancakes

is they're also called hotcakes

and sometimes Johnny cakes,
and yet all of these cakes,

none of them has frosting,
which, by the way,

they ought to sell
in single servings.

Single-serving frosting!

That's a million-dollar idea!

We need to become man-traps.

I have an announcement
to make.

I am gonna get fat.

I don't know,
it seems that people like

their local celebrities jolly.

And also,
these things are awesome.

I mean, how come I haven't
eaten one

in, like, 20 years?

Oh, uh, barkeep?

We need some more
maple syrup, please.

Sorry, you drank
the last bottle.

Everything is ruined.

Victoria, Victoria, Victoria.

Syrup is the frosting
of pancakes.

Which is why we need
to get more.

What are we gonna do?
Go to Canada?

Yes!

That's exactly what
we should do.

Canada is the crazy thing
we need

to shake up our attitudes
towards pancakes

and men and love.

Let's go!

She's a genius.

You guys flew to Canada?

We did.

We talked our way
onto a charter jet

full of big-haired women.

It was the road company
of hairspray.

So maybe our husbands
are in musical theater.

Our husbands are gay?

Well, it isn't so bad.

I mean, there's problems
in the bedroom,

but the rest of the house
is spectacular.

Listen, I'm glad you guys
are starting

to remember stuff,

but we really need
to find Elka.

- You're right.
- Of course.

She's probably out looking
for her sign,

but where?

We've covered the places

she and her husband
were together.

What about the last place
they were together?

It doesn't
have to be lightning,

or a miracle,
like the browns winning.

I just need something.

Elka?

Fred!
What are you doing here?

I came to visit
my wife's grave.

[Chuckles] I wanted to make sure
that she was okay with us.

I was looking for...

A sign.

Me, too.

And I think it just arrived.

[Laughs]

All: Aw.
[Bells ringing]

Now we don't have to feel
guilty anymore.

Except that I'm literally
dancing on my husband's grave.

[Organ chord]

Oh, my God.

Are you remembering
what I'm remembering?

Therefore,
by the power vested

in me by the province of
Ontario,

I now pronounce you...

Both: We're married.

Why, don't be snarky.

If we're gonna be married,
we can't be snarky.

We're not going to be married,
we are married.

Be a good wife,
and zip it.

You be a good wife.

It'll break your streak.
[Scoffs]

[Organ chord]

[Bridal chorus playing]
All: Oh!

* *

Stop!

Elka, don't marry him!
Marry me!

I've been in love with you

since you walked into
the senior center

and bent over
to close my velcro sneaker.

Now I want us to be
fastened together, too.

No, Elka, marry me!

Sit down, Lester.

Oh, Ernie, you sit down.

Elka, if you move in with me,

together we can walk to shopping
without ever having to cross

one single intersection!

Both of you, stop embarrassing
my number one lady!

Elka, marry me.

You can all stop.
Please!

The only man I'm here to marry
is right down there.

Elka, don't do it!

Max?

If you're gonna marry anybody,
marry me.

I should've
never let you go.

She's not gonna marry
any of you losers.

She's already married to me.
How about that?

Elka, who is that?

My dead husband.

That's right.
I'm back.

[Camera shutter clicking]