Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 21 - Bridezelka - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland
is recorded

in front of
a live studio audience.

Your wedding day

is an occasion
of great joy.

Nothing gives more hope
for the future

than a young bride
walking down the aisle

with the blush of innocence
on her cheek,

joining hands
with the groom,

eager and nervous,

barely more
than a boy himself.

You know, I'm gonna call
a timeout right now.



I realize that you
wanted me to talk to you

like any young couple
about to get married,

but given your...
"Life experience,"

maybe we can skip over
a few things.

No, we want you
to go completely by the books.

We want this
to feel like the first time.

Please continue.

Okay. Well, the next thing
I usually discuss

is the wedding night.

You know,
family planning and such.

You got
any questions there?

No. We're good
in that area.

All right,
well, what kind of ceremony

did you have in mind?



Uh, something simple,
tasteful.

I had a thought...

Ooh, no, you didn't.
No, uh...

I'm gonna give you
the advice

I give all grooms

when it comes
to wedding planning.

Go limp.

Not one part of this day
is about you.

- All I was trying to say...
- Okay, see,

there's that word "I" again.

That's gonna cause you
nothing but trouble.

And whatever you do,
when speaking to your bride,

never use the word "relax"

or refer to anything as being
"not that big a deal."

But the music...

Okay.
But, you see, Fred,

really, come on now.

You know that
little part of your mind

that makes judgments,

that thinks that,
"oh, this is dumb"

or "that's unnecessary"?

I want you
to turn that off right now.

Just shut your brain down

and do what
your woman says.

And by the way,

that is also my advice
for the marriage.

We picked
the right minister.

Oh, I'm so excited!
We get to have a wedding!

Well, my favorite wedding
was definitely my third.

You mean to
your gay husband?

Well, I didn't know he was
at the time.

Oh, he just took care
of everything.

He designed the dress,
and the cake,

and the flowers, and...

He did my hair and makeup,
and he wouldn't rest

until he found
the right pair of heels.

And yet you had no clue

there might be problems
in the actual marriage.

Well, what am I?
A detective?

No, I mean, I suppose
I might've been tipped off

by the fact
that his bachelor party

was just a quiet dinner
with his best man.

In San Francisco.

For an entire weekend.
[Clears throat]

Ooh, here's
the blushing bride now!

Did you bring us
your wedding album?

- This is it.
- What? One picture?

Oh, Elka,
you're beautiful!

Oh!

I was miss teen potato.

In Poland,
that's as good as it gets.

Oh, well, look at
that fresh face and that hair.

And, oh,
that tiny little waist.

And I'll say it...
Nice rack!

[Laughs]

You look like a teenager.

I was a teenager.

Oh, and were you a virgin
on your wedding night?

You don't get to be
miss teen potato

without peeling
a few skins.

Well, Elka, we have
a surprise for you.

As our wedding gift to you,

we would like to plan
and pay for everything.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, that's not necessary.

I just want
something simple.

Well, we can
totally do simple!

You know, I hear that
under 200 guests

- is very chic right now.
- Mm-hmm.

So we could get away
with two tents.

Chamber instead of
a full orchestra.

Maybe just three horses
for the carriage.

Oh, wait.

All I want
are a few close friends

as I exchange vows
before God

with the man I adore.

Well, that's just sad.

You just need
to do some research.

We've got bride magazines,

and there's
a ton of wedding shows

- you can download.
- Yeah, you have to make sure

that every detail
is perfect.

Remember, all eyes
will be on you.

That's true.

This was
a long time ago.

[Doorbell rings]

- Oh, good! It's here.
- What is?

What's going to help us pay
for this wedding and more.

Oh, all right.
Well, here, start studying.

Thank you.

Okay, you remember
when I did that commercial

for Mrs. Ladypants?

Oh, yeah,
your diaper pants.

They weren't diapers.
They are activewear slacks.

That you pee in.

[Laughter]

Look, they didn't air any
of those commercials in America,

and they're paying me a bundle
to try their newest product.

"Dear Chase Victoria,

"million of women
trust Mrs. Ladypants,

"number one
for freshness of crotch.

"Now crotch-fresh feelings
can whisper all over

"with Mrs. Ladypants
for body.

"Feed your garbage daily

with our single-use
freshness jumpsuits."

So they're
disposable diaper clothes?

No. They are
experimental prototypes.

I'm supposed to wear them
day and night

for the next week.

Uh, "you will feel
so much happy

"you will make water
in your clothes.

"No problem
for Chase Victoria,

"the face of incontinence,

and now sweating."

[Laughter]

- Aah!
- Joy, get up! Now!

- Elka, what is it?
- You were right!

My wedding
needs to be big!

You're my wedding planner!

Why me?

Because Melanie's
too nice,

and Victoria's
too crazy.

You've got just
the right amount of bitch

to get the job done.

Oh, I'm flattered
that you chose me.

I know we've
never been close, but...

This is not
a sweet moment!

Get your bony ass
out of bed!

Wow! You're up early.

Oh, Lord,
wait till I tell you.

[Rustling]

What's that noise?

Oh, I hope there's not
an animal in the walls.

[Rustling]

[Hoarsely]
Morning.

- Are you okay?
- Ugh.

This suit seems
to be just sucking

all the moisture
out of me.

Just so dry.

So...
[Clears throat]

What's all this?

Oh, your
wedding assignments.

For the last two days,
Elka's done nothing

but study magazines,
and books,

and watch cable shows...

Bridezillas, bride wars,
bridalplasty

Bridalplasty?
What's that?

It's this ridiculous show

where women get plastic surgery
before their weddings.

And? I am missing
the twist.

Last night,
Elka woke me up at 3:00 A.M.

To announce that I
was her wedding planner.

And you wouldn't believe
the mood swings.

I'm afraid we've created
a bit of a monster.

Oh, well, now, you and Elka
never see eye to eye.

I'm sure she'll be fine.

I got a spray tan.

Yes, we can see that.

[Chuckles]
Why?

All the brides do it.

What do you think?
Now, be honest.

- Well...
- You don't like it.

- My wedding's ruined!
- No, no, no, no.

We... we love it a lot.

You look very tropical.

Oh, no!

I look like
a [Bleep] oompa-loompa!

Elka!

Don't you watch
bridal shows?

That's how we all talk.

Also, bride has requested

that we do a choreographed
aisle walk.

I want it to go viral.

Now, Elka...

Get...it...done.

She's also become a fan
of turning everything

into a string
of one-word sentences.

All...

Brides...

[Quickly]
Do it.

Welcome to bridezelka.

Crap.

Crap.

Crap.

I need rosier roses.
Write it down.

I'll remember.

Write...it...down.

[Doorbell rings]

- Hello, Fred.
- Hi.

Hi, groom.

Hi, bride!

You're late.

I'm sorry.
I was, uh, delayed,

answering questions
about this.

Do we have to wear this
all the time?

[Crying]
I didn't realize

that doing the least
little thing for me

was such a chore.

Please don't cry.
I'm happy to wear it.

Oh.

Whoa! Whoa,
what's all this?

Whatever happened
to "simple"?

Bride has decided

she'd like something
a little more elaborate.

Mmm. This red velvet
is heaven!

Yeah, if heaven
is three layers of crap

with crap in between.

O-kay...

[Instant messenger chimes]

Oh, it's Melanie
and Victoria skyping us

from the bridal shop.

It's the annual running
of the dress.

- What's that?
- It's this huge sale

where hundreds
of brides compete

to grab top designer
wedding gowns.

The dress bride wants
is there.

I saw it
in a bridal magazine.

I wanna feel like
a princess.

Yes, but all that trouble
over one dress sounds...

Sounds what?

What does it sound like?

Come on, open your cakehole
and tell me.

Nothing, princess.

Oh, hi!

Melanie and Victoria,
we can see you!

These women are crazy!

We got your dress!

Ooh, it's perfect!

Melanie, sweetie,
try it on.

But there's
no dressing rooms!

Try it on.

[Women speaking indistinctly]

May I help you?

In this second
counseling session,

I usually answer
any additional questions

that may've come up.

But first I have a question.

Who are you?

Oh. Joy Scroggs.

I'm the bride's proxy.

You see, none of
the cake decorators

in Cleveland
met her standards,

so she's spending
the day in Chicago.

Mm.

Is that a bruise?

Ugh, it's just
a rejected bouquet.

She threw it at you?

Our official position

is that I failed
to duck properly.

It's like I was saying
on the phone, reverend.

I don't know
what's come over Elka.

She's lost her mind.

[Phone chimes]

Oh.

It's a text from bride.

"What is Fred
saying about me?"

I know you said
to go limp, reverend,

but shouldn't I
be honest?

Uh, that depends on
how long you wanna be married.

Tell her I worship
the ground she walks on.

And add a compliment
about her hair.

I can't see her hair.

Oh, that don't matter.

Women just like
somebody somewhere

saying something nice
about their hair

at all times.

By the way,
yours looks lovely.

Oh! Thank you
so much.

[Chuckles]

Hey!

I wanna have sex
with you!

Wow! Elka told me
you were a tramp!

He's a minister!

Fred, I wasn't
always a minister.

Uh, I was a singer
before I got my calling.

I wanna have sex with you
was a record I made.

♪ Ooh, baby,
it's time to lock the door ♪

♪ You know I wanna see
that clothing hit the floor ♪

Both: ♪ Ooh-ooh,
ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Bah-bah, bah,
bah-bah, bah ♪

♪ I wanna have sex
with you ♪

Both: [Laugh]

My friend Melanie
lost her virginity to you.

Oh, yeah,
I get that a lot.

[Laughs]

How does your congregation
feel about that song?

Well, I get
varied reactions.

It's an issue.

[Phone chimes]

Oh. It's Elka again.

New wedding theme...

Robin hood
and maid Marian.

I gotta wear tights now?

I'm sure you've got
the legs to pull it off.

This is it.
I can't take anymore.

Reverend,
say something.

I... I don't know.

I'm worried about
being friar tuck.

The wedding is off.

Fred!

What am I gonna do?
Elka's gonna be furious!

Well, I suggest you
turn the other cheek.

That way the bruises
will match up.

I can't believe it!

I delegate one thing,
and you screw it up!

Where's
my hurling bouquet?

I'll get it.

Wait, what...
What's this?

It's Fred's jacket.
He dropped it off.

[Crying]
Oh, Fred.

I ruined everything!

Oh, Elka. Elka,
this never would've happened

if we hadn't talked you
into having a big wedding.

No. I blew it!

There's no fool
like an old fool!

[Extremely hoarsely]
This is so sad.

Do you think
the wedding's really off?

No.

No, it is not off.

I have put up
with too much abuse,

and foul language,
and bouquet grenades

to give up now.

The problem is,

Fred is only seeing
the labor pains.

We are gonna show him
the baby.

[Over P.A.]
Ladies and gentlemen,

we give you
your wedding party!

[Dance music plays]

♪ ♪

That was
very impressive, but...

Wait, wait, wait.
Before you say anything more,

the reason
we showed you this

was so that you could see
what a spectacular day

Elka was trying
to put together for you.

I mean, look
how much fun it's gonna be.

The aisle walk,
that's just the beginning.

[Rustling]

I don't wanna ruin
the moment here or anything,

but are you
about to explode?

[Hoarsely]
Oh...

It's the sweat
from all the dancing.

But I might need somebody
to cut me out of this

one more time.

Elka was just acting
the way she was

because she wants
your special day

to be perfect.

That's not the reason!

Who said that?

I did.

Elka?

Elka, we didn't know
you were here.

So, Elka,
what is the reason?

The first time
I got married,

I was 19.

At that age,
I didn't even need a bouquet.

I was the flower.

[Laughs]
Well, Elka...

Go limp.
[Clears throat]

Then I started reading
all those bridal magazines.

Which was totally our fault.
[Sighs]

They were all so young,
as brides are supposed to be.

As I was.

I didn't want you
looking down the aisle

and being disappointed.

Oh, Elka!

Oh, I thought all the hoopla
would distract you.

I was scared.

I am scared.

But that's just...

I have a feeling the next words
I say are very important,

and I don't wanna
mess it up.

Can I have
a little help, please?

Look, Elka,

you know, I marry
young people all the time,

but I worry about them.

I even try to slow down
on certain vows...

"For better or for worse,"

"forsaking all others,"

"in sickness and in health"...

Just hoping they
really hear the words.

But how can they?

They're living in
a dream world.

They're young, and pretty,
and nothing hurts yet.

But you two,
I don't worry.

Most people your age
are alone.

Oh, they have kids,
and grandkids, and friends,

but they don't have
that special someone

to hold in their arms.

So, Elka, when young Fred here
looks down the aisle,

will he see his beautiful,
radiant bride,

ready to have and to hold?

Oh, yes!
[Laughs]

Uh, hey,
what about me?

Both: In a minute.

♪ Now the whole world's
asleep ♪

♪ but we're
still making plans ♪

Women: ♪ 'cause once
is not enough ♪

♪ when a woman loves a man ♪

All: ♪ ooh-ooh, ooh ♪

♪ bah-bah bah,
bah-bah bah ♪

♪ I wanna have sex
with you ♪

So what do you think?

We can sing it
at your reception!

Um, I think we'll
probably stick with Sinatra.

Well, I have
other songs I can...

Go limp.