Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 20 - Indecent Proposals - full transcript

Women, as any
Sandra Bullock movie

would attest,
are hopeless romantics.

Scratch the surface of the
toughest Type-A female

and you'll find a little girl
still wating for Prince Charming

to appear with
a glass Prada pump.

Or at least a glass filled
with vodka and vermouth.

Oh, I love romancing.

Look at her smile.

She's already imbuing him with
all kinds of wonderful qualities

he doesn't really have.

Think she'll
take him home?



In for a penny,
in for a pounding.

Elka!

I loaned her
my Sex and the City DVDs.

Might have been a mistake.

I'm a Samantha.

May we please get back
to the topic at hand?

Which was me.

Here's to
the newest spokesmodel

for Très Jolie Cosmetics.

Finally my lifelong dream
has come true.

Spokesmodeling
is your dream?

Yes, because
it tells the world

I'm pretty
because I'm a model,

but I'm also smart because
there's spoke-ing involved.



Plus I get $1,000 every time

I mention Très Jolie
Cosmetics on my show.

And $10,000 if the story
is sensational enough

to go national.

Isn't it a little crass
hoping for some huge catastrophe

so you can make
a few bucks pushing cosmetics?

It's called
a silver lining, Joy.

Oh, more good
news for me.

It's Johnny.

Oh, he's touring and he wants to
know if I'm up for a booty call.

Sounds like somebody's
gonna get stuck between

a rock star
and a hard place.

Will you stop doing that?

I think you secretly
have a thing for Johnny.

I mean, a woman can't
have sex with a guy

without forming some sort
of an attachment, right?

They looked at me like
I'd suggested we all say

our real weights out loud.

Which got me thinking.

Was I really so off-base?

I mean, can women have sex
with no strings attached?

Well of course we can.

A man in the hand
is worth two in the--

Seriously?

That one doesn't
even make sense.

I think sex without
strings is possible.

Of course not for me,
I'm booty call cursed.

I've had mothers walk in,

I've had mirrors
fall from ceilings

revealing hidden cameras.

I've had pet ferrets--
Oh, God, my life.

You know,
this no-strings thing,

I think it would make a great
topic for my Women's Day column.

Actually, I met this
cute divorced guy

who's in town for
a couple of days on business,

do you think
I should call him?

- Well, why not?
- Absolutely.

And I'm gonna call that
cute guy I met with the tattoos.

Curses are meant
to be broken, right?

- And I'm gonna call Fred.
- Fred?

You mean that nerdy guy you
play cards with every Sunday?

For the past 20 years.

But I thought you
guys were just friends.

If the guy's a cutie,
you gotta tap that booty.

If the guy's a hottie,
you've got to be naughty.

When you say it,
it just sounds crude.

The next night,
in the spirit of research,

I was finishing dinner with
my cute out-of-towner

when I decided
to make my play.

Any recommendations
for dessert?

How about whipped cream,

and me?

Check!

Uh, check.

You know, I'm just gonna
leave my credit card

and get it tomorrow.

- Shall we?
- Okay.

No, wait,
that sounded cheap.

You know, if it were
real whipped cream,

not from a can,
that would be classi...er.

You see, I'm trying to
have sex with no strings.

And I support you.

Great, so let's go.

No wait, I can't.
But shouldn't I try?

- Right, so let's go.
- Okay.

No, wait, I can't.

But I said I would try.

But I have kids.

But they're not here,
so how would they know?

Because I'm
writing about it.

But they might read it.

Why would they read it?

Why would they
read Women's Day?

Well, my daughter
might read it.

I should just order dessert.

At some point he just left,
I didn't even notice.

So what happened
with tattoo guy?

Oh, my booty call
curse is still intact.

At first when he said
he might get a tattoo

with my name on it,
I was charmed.

Then when he
started to undress,

he had the name
of every woman

he's ever slept with
tattooed on his body.

I'm hoping sis is
short for sissy.

While Joy and I had
clearly failed at

"wham, bam,
thank you, man."

Back at the house,
Victoria was about to rock

rock star
Johnny Revere's world.

Did someone call
for 10 cc's of me?

Oh, God.

Call 911.

Wow.

Way to commit to a bit.

No, really.

I'm dyin'.

Oh, boy.

After a night in
the emergency room,

Victoria found her
bad boy with benefits

had become
a burden on bed rest.

I can't believe
this happened to me.

I mean, I'm virile, I'm tough,

could you fluff
my pillow for me?

Aw, don't worry.

You'll feel better.

Once you've given me an
exclusive celebrity interview

for my show
"Oh, hi, Ohio."

I can't go public.

A heart attack with
no heroin involved

is a career killer.

You can say you OD'd.

It doesn't have to be true,
we never check.

No.

No, let the media jackals feed
on my carcass after I'm dead.

They did it to Morrison,
they did it to Hendrix,

why should I
be any different?

But you are different.

Those guys all died
when they were young.

You're right.

Look at me.

I'm too old
to die young.

Johnny.

I know
that the doctor said

that mood swings were normal
after a heart attack,

but if you cry,
you'll smear your eye liner.

- Eye liner?
- Yes.

"Smoky Sable",
new from Très Jolie.

I gave you a little touch-up
while you were napping.

And if you let me mention it
on TV I get $10,000.

Victoria, this heart attack
has opened my eyes.

Yes, and now the eye liner
is bringing them out,

so why not share that with
a national audience?

Look at us.

We spent our whole lives
chasing after money and fame.

And what's it
really gotten us?

Money and fame.

How can
a nurse's outfit

be so sexy it gives
a man a heart attack?

Maybe it was just
the shock of seeing

Victoria dressed
as a humanitarian.

Aw.

"Thanks for
last night, fried."

Fried?

Fred's phone auto-corrected.

I taught him
to text last night.

After we played cards.

I cannot believe that
you're the only one

whose booty call
got answered.

So how was the game?

Fred had
very good hands.

I didn't have
to bluff once.

- Hello, Fred.
- Morning, Joy.

I'm looking for Elka.

I was gonna call,

to find out
if you got my text.

But then I thought,
calling is so old-fashioned.

I'll just drop by.

I'm glad you did.

You know, last night's,
uh, card game

was the best
I ever had.

Next time I'll show
you how to double down.

I don't know
what that means,

but I tremble
at the thought.

Joy, Melanie, good day.

- Bye, Fred.
- Bye-bye.

I hope we'll
play cards soon again.

Oh, me too.

Ugh.
This is insufferable.

The heart of rock n' roll
is still beating,

but the rest of him is
a quivering mass of neediness.

Poor Johnny.

Oh, he'll be fine.

No, it's really
the caretakers who suffer.

I miss having someone
to take care of.

Like Fred.

Taking care of him
would be a pleasure.

Wow, is it
serious with Fred?

Well it's not the white hot
passion it was with Max,

but we're very compatible.

Good hands.

Mm.

He's sweet and funny,

and we both prefer
animals over people.

Sounds like maybe
you guys have a future.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I'm not a Samantha,

I'm a Charlotte.

I'm gonna propose.

Wha--?

Victoria?

Can I have some
chocolate milk?

With a bendy straw, please?

Having decided to
go above and beyond

the call of booty,

Elka enlisted our help
in setting the scene

for her proposal.

So what else do we
need to set the mood?

I don't know what
you and Fred are into.

Rawhide and a tennis ball.

For the dog.

♪ A pretty lady
lays a lunch ♪

♪ to ask her true love
to marry her ♪

♪ it truly is
a magic brunch ♪

♪ that brings
two hearts together ♪

Johnny sweetie,
um, you know when I said

that getting back to work
could maybe help you heal?

What I meant was writing
the kinds of songs

that you used to write.

You know, about
sex and drugs

and never staying in
one place for too long?

Now I see that sex and drugs
are just a lonely path

to self-destruction.

Yes but it's the path
people like to dance to.

I mean, Elka doesn't
even need a song,

she's not madly
in love with Fred.

They're just two
dear old friends

who make each other happy
and have fun in the sack,

so why not get married?

Wow!

You know, ever since my
first single went platinum,

I've just used women
and kicked them to the curb.

It's been a happy life.

But something's missing.

And it's that something that
keeps drawing me back to you.

Oh, my God,
is it your heart again?

What are you doing?

You saved my life.

And now I need you
to make it worth living.

Victoria Chase,
will you marry me?

That's a lot of beer.

Well I want him
to say yes.

Trust me, you don't want
a drunken yes

to a marriage proposal.

They just take it back
in the morning,

then you're stuck
for six more days

on a seven day cruise.

Oh, God, my life.

Whoa! You guys, Johnny
just proposed to Victoria!

What did she say?

This had better
be an acid flashback,

because I've just about
had it with you, mister!

Oh, no, what if Fred
turns me down too.

Maybe I should
call this off.

Too late.

- Hi, ladies.
- Hi.

- Oh, wow, some spread.
- Mm.

Would you like
a St. Pauli Girl?

I'd prefer
a Cleveland cupcake.

I'm good.

Melanie just told me
Johnny proposed.

Ugh, one little
brush with death

and he goes all
Josh Groban on me.

Did you pop
the question?

Oh, not yet.

Oh, girls, you've gotta help me,
I'm choking out there.

Don't be afraid.

Sometimes you just
gotta take a leap.

Sadly for Fred,
out in the back yard

chance was about
to do just that.

You're right,
I can do this.

Whoooooaaa!

Did you guys
hear something?

- What's wrong, chance?
- What is it, boy?

Fred's fallen in the well.

It's Chance, not Lassie.

No, you dope,
Fred just texted me.

He's okay but he's stuck
and he can't get out.

- Oh my God.
- Call the Fire Department.

Tell them it's a deep well
but it's dry.

I'm on it.

Hello, newsroom?

I need a camera crew.

I gotta talk fast
'cause I need to call 911.

This is gonna be big,
could go national.

Cha-ching!

Much to Victoria's chagrin,

"Ohio man trapped in a well,"

didn't go national.

"Twin baby Pandas" were hogging
the country's attention

at the San Diego Zoo.

Oh, my God,
they're so cute!

Anyway, ever resilient,

Victoria dug up
an old photo of Fred

to goose
the human interest angle.

The tension here
at well-side is palpable.

As we wait, hoping the fire
department will arrive in time

to rescue Santa Claus
from almost certain death.

Fred's fine.

Ah, this is Elka Ostrovsky,

Santa's anguished sweetheart.

Now luckily she's
wearing Très Jolie

waterproof mascara,
so no runny black streaks

in the tracks
of her tears.

No, I'm not.

I'll be back with
more live coverage of

"Christmas in danger;
Santa trapped in a well"

Oh, this is a disaster.

Those little show-off pandas
are ruining everything.

Well, Americans love animals.

Thank goodness Chance didn't
fall in the well too!

Elka, where do we
keep our dog treats?

Tragedy has struck
a second time here at the well.

In a Valiant attempt
to rescue Santa Claus,

this adorable pup,

shown here dressed
as a sheep

to go trick or treating
for UNICEF,

threw himself
into the abyss.

Wait--I'm just getting word.

We've gone national!

Oh, this is great!

And also tragic.

Have the firemen arrived yet?

They haven't come
and gone, have they?

No, Fred's still trapped.

Victoria's pretending the dog's
down in the well too

so she can go national.

Gotta love her.

Even if she
doesn't love you back.

Oh, Johnny,
I'm sorry, honey.

Yes, love sucks.

I don't know why
people bother, really.

Firemen are here!

- How's my hair?
- Oh, gorgeous, gorgeous.

- My make-up?
- Glowy.

Good, good.

Firemen are working feverishly
to extract Santa

and his hero dog from
the dank and humidity...

which without
Très Jolie hair spray,

can really do
a number on your hair.

This is all my fault,

I wish I had never
thought of proposing.

Oh, Elka,
Fred will be fine.

The firemen will
get him out any minute.

They've obviously got
very impressive equipment.

Not the time for
Sex and the City puns, Joy.

No, she means
that big harness,

they'll get him out.

Actually I was
making a sex pun

to cut the tension,
but yay!

It's a tense
moment, America,

as they slowly lower the rescue
harness down into the well.

Isn't she beautiful?

And aren't we all trapped
in wells of our own making?

And yes, yes,
they're lifting him out.

Much like the lift one gets from
Très Jolie's firming face cream.

That's my cue
to let you out, dude.

Oh, Fred, are
you sure you're okay?

- I'm fine.
- Oh.

Except it was kind of
hard to hear "think fast"

when you tossed
down the beer.

Oh, what a joyous moment.

Christmas has been saved!

Oh, my God, what's that?

Here.

Here, back to me,
back to me.

Well, it's
a Très Jolie miracle,

America's hero pup
has been rescued too.

This is Victoria Chase,

join me tomorrow when
I do some hard-hitting

comparison shopping for
a new Jaguar convertible.

I'm sorry, Fred.

Actually Elka,
being stuck in a well

a man has time to think.

What I thought about mostly
was how lonely I've been.

That and whether the bones
down there were human.

But what I'm
trying to say is,

I'm not lonely
when I'm with you.

I feel warm and comfortable.

Oh, me too.

We're like two cozy slippers.

Then shouldn't those two
cozy slippers be together

under the same bed...

Permanently?

Are you asking me
to marry you?

If you'll have me.

Well, of course,
I was gonna ask you!

In that magical moment,
everyone connected

to their inner Charlotte.

Yes, we could
have booty calls,

but what we wanted was
a truly loving relationship

with lots of strings.

And in spite of her
protest to the contrary,

Victoria was feeling it too.

Seriously?
You'll marry me?

You know, when Fred
proposed to Elka,

it just suddenly
made sense to me.

Romantic love is transitory,
but love based on friendship

and hot sex is eternal.

How about we
quit this fast lane,

and get a ranch
in Montana?

Oh, no stress, no agents,

just dogs and horses and
evenings out under the stars.

Oh, I can
picture it already.

It sure gets
cold up there.

And I do loathe
the outdoors.

But what about Manhattan?

We could get
a loft in Soho,

or noho, or whatever ho
is fashionable now.

Or maybe L.A.
I mena, I'm not gonna quit

the music business
altogether.

Well, my friends and my show
are here in Cleveland,

so, well,
we'll just have to commute.

You know,
we'll see each other

whenever we start
missing each other.

- Right, like we do now.
- Exactly.

Wow, I guess we already have
the perfect relationship.

Yeah.

I guess we do.

But maybe someday,
you know, when we're older,

and our agents have
turned their back on us--

Even when we're nobodies,

you'll always
be somebody to me.

Mm.

Hey, you know, I still have
that nurse's uniform upstairs.

You think my heart
can handle it?

You know a better way
to go out?

And so, a booty call
that started with a whimper,

ended with a bang.

And just a few
loose strings.

Because all the romantic
comedies got it right.

The best happy endings,
are the ones we build to last.

Although nothing says we can't
have a little fun while we wait.