Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 19 - Too Hot for TV - full transcript
A clip show featuring the cast's weirdest moments on screen and the weirder moments off.
- Action
- Perh... oh.
- Oh I'm sorry Darling.
- Honestly!
No we're just going from...
from my line...
Okay...
- So let's start with her line?
- Yes.
Bitch.
Every week is just a new surprise
for us around here.
That thing that I wore, that thing
that I got when I was that model?
Oh [Bleep] that's *******.
Well, I don't know!
Enough with the hands.
It was the angle of the picture,
[Bleep]!
Come on, we can catch
a ride with his fruit--
- Wait--
- Oh, [Bleep].
I mean, mercy!
And... action.
Well, obviously the only
authentic psychics
are in L.A.
It's just like
the Mexican food.
Actually, I was surprised
Cleveland had psychics.
Oh, we have a sizeable
sss...
Sucker American community.
What are you laughing at?
Don't make fun
of an older woman.
Imagine the look on her face
when she sees me
belting out her vocals.
Yeah, I can't imagine it,
because I'll be singing lead.
- No, I'm singing lead.
- But you stink.
But you stink much worse!
We all stink!
But this...
♪ Will make us all sound cool. ♪
♪ ♪
Bottoms up, everybody!
♪ We're four single girls ♪
♪ on a Saturday night. ♪
♪ Having Tom Brady's baby
might be fun ♪
♪ if you're doing it right ♪
♪ We're four single girls
on a Saturday night. ♪
I don't need sex with you.
I have my son.
♪ We are so not gonna
get laid tonight. ♪
Hello!
I'm Melanie.
Sometimes my voice
gets deep and sensual.
I am Victor Victoria Chase.
I'm sexy if you really
put your mind to it.
Hi, I'm Joy.
I'm engaged...
to a homeless man.
It's me.
I'm powerless
in the presence of
a real man.
Don't stop!
♪ We're four single girls
on a Saturday night. ♪
♪ See ya, losers. ♪
♪ I got a date. ♪
♪ We are so not gonna
get laid tonight ♪
Aah!
Four.
All four cameras. Mark.
Hey, this is Reggie
with the alarm company.
I'm not gonna make it today.
Please call to reschedule.
Oh, boy.
I'm good.
♪ We're been doing this
for hours ♪
♪ but I can't stop. ♪
And... action.
Oh, who am I kidding?
I can't be poor.
I'm flying to Sha--
♪ Flying to shaw
shh shh da ♪
Oh, who am I kidding?
I can't be poor.
I'm plying--
Okay, now I'm really
ready.
Is it too late to recast?
Oh, who am I kidding?
I can't be poor.
I'm flying private to--
to chi--
I used to be able to speak,
but that was last season.
As an actress,
I have an extremely
highly developed set
of vocal chords.
Right before we went to move--
bah-hee.
I think I killed
the soonlugee.
Who?
Finuwhoogee.
Our Winston is an extremely
happer and dancin--
Talk much?
I...
Aah!
Aah!
Just remember...
stick to the script.
Listen to this.
Smooth.
Ehh.
Eeh!
Sorry.
Rruuu..
He--rrrruuu... sorry.
Hah!
Ach ach ach ach ach!
Honorary... rrrruuu...
Yay! Whoo whoo whoo!
That one doesn't even
make sense.
May we please get back
to the topic at hand?
You are going to break
the heart
of a man who truly believed
that you have a future together.
Ha ha ha!
I think we're getting
into a weird area here.
You mean the guy who
humped and bumped you before--
[Bleep]
I'm so sorry.
Just read it normally.
Normally?
Whatever do you mean?
Oh, yay, Jane!
Weird. I thought I
Nuk dak puk najica ee!
Such a beautiful language.
You know,
on Edge of Tomorrow,
when Honor St. Raven went in
for a double murder,
she was released
after six weeks
for saving the warden's children
from an axe murderess.
And not only that.
She earned a degree
in advanced bionics
from the Yale
university of correspondence.
So sometimes, you know,
you just...
Make prison
what you need to make prison.
I would say,
more than anything in the world,
Victoria wants adulation.
Honor St. Raven
did have a situation like this.
I played a bass-playing
angel...
A homeless woman...
A sexy lady lawyer...
A lady storm chaser
in the Lifetime movie...
Concrete Pillow...
Always by Your Side...
Rock and Roll Heaven...
Soccer Mom Ninja!
Hah!
Was that the one
where you were sent to earth
to teach death row inmates
about love and harmony?
No. That was
Dead Man Rocking.
It's basic cable.
- How do you know that?
- Well, don't you remember
on Edge of Tomorrow when
Honor St. Raven became a nun
and took a vow of silence?
I did all my acting
with my eyes.
Ladies and ladies...
Elka has left the building.
No, no!
Hang on.
Why don't you guys
take five,
I'll put on
a giant pot of coffee,
and we'll rehearse
some more?
Sorry. I'll take that again.
Hang on.
Why don't you guys r--
How about you guys take five...
I'll put on a giant
pot of coffee,
and we'll rehearse
for a few more hours...
A little louder, honey.
They can't--
I always say to them,
don't fix me.
Don't mend me
because there's so much
more fun to be had
when you're playing someone
who's a little bit unstable
and crazy.
I've had a tough year.
I was engaged
to a homeless man.
My business is in shambles,
I'm about to be deported.
I went from, "I love you"
to a restraining order
in under ten minutes.
I've had mothers walk in.
I've had mirrors
fall from ceilings,
revealing hidden cameras.
I've had pet ferrets.
I accidentally shot the son
I gave up for adoption.
Oh, God, my life.
I love this guy.
So much.
And I love you so much,
baby.
Hey, coming up next...
Hal-lo.
Now, come on.
Keep your perspective.
You want some of this?
Johnny, Johnny.
You have been given
a second chance.
Now, come on.
Keep your perspective.
We're getting
each other dates,
and here's who I want.
Jack Huntington?
- Wow. He's handsome.
- And rich.
I'm steering my boat
in a whole new direction--
Hot and loaded.
♪ What girls, what girls ♪
♪ like about boys ♪
♪ what girls, what girls ♪
♪ like about boys ♪
Can you find me
somebody...
laid back?
Maybe with a beard,
long hair.
No man-boobs.
Nothing abnormally
large or small.
Young, Latin, adoring.
No third anything.
Nice buns too.
A charming, lying,
handsome rat
who no girl could resist.
Faded levis and no shirt.
On a motorcycle.
No helmet.
Bit of a scruff.
I don't care
what he's wearing.
I can just picture him
on top of me.
♪ What girls like
about boys ♪
I've always had a thing
for Robert De Niro.
♪ They like everything ♪
I like that.
I like it
when you talk.
He had a butt
like two scoops of ice cream.
Probably doesn't look
anything like Jesus, right?
I'm just freaking out
over nothing.
I am on a date
with conjoined twins.
But he's a really nice guy.
I am on a date
with conjoined twins.
How could you not have
noticed this?
I was a little busy looking
for men without breasts!
You know, it's harder
than you think in Cleveland.
Why must our planet be filled
with beautiful women
who exist simply to...
break our hearts?
Wait! Wait,
now I want you back.
♪ What girls
like about boys ♪
Imagine what
he looks like naked.
I'm way ahead of ya.
I have never enjoyed
chatting with a woman more.
Line.
I'm so sorry, Steve.
No, no, no, baby,
are you kidding?
I'm making up
my own lines also.
You said at the meeting
that you know the spot
where it goes down.
Can you take me there?
I...
There's nothing
I would like more!
Action.
Up until
your one-night stand
turned out to be
your boyfriend's brother,
you had a sex life.
Why do I feel
as slutty as I look?
Uh-- sound?
Bingo!
I love Melanie.
I just-- I love Melanie.
She's so much fun to play.
She does things I would
probably never do
or feel I could
get away with.
But I love being able
to do that through Melanie.
Let me-- let me--
oh, God bless America!
God bless America!
God bless America!
Melanie's getting a little
feistier this season,
I've noticed.
She' got a little
more salt in her.
You want some of this?
'Cause she was kind of
America's sweetheart,
which I think
really annoyed her.
What the [Bleep]?
There was a scene
that the writers wrote
that we started having
a lot of fun with.
So they extended it
a little bit
where Joy meets her son,
her long-lost son
for the first time
and accidentally shoots him.
Look, I have an alarm guy
coming in the morning.
We do not need any guns.
- Aah!
- Aah!
Oh! M-my name is Owen.
I'm looking for
my birth mother.
Which one of you
is Joyce Scroggs?
Her.
Literally, it was a scene
that we never rehearsed
all the way through
without laughing.
- We were really bad.
- Well, it was impossible.
He's waking up.
I don't know how to do
a British accent!
- Just talk like I do!
- Oh, this is a bad idea.
Hal-lo!
Don't start...
Action.
I wish I had known
you were comin'.
I'd have put on
a spot o' tea.
What your mom is trying to say--
What your mom is trying to say
in her reserved English way is
gosh, darn it--
Stop.
Perhaps I can be
of some assistance.
I'm lady Winchester.
Are you all insane?
Oh, good,
the paramedics are here.
I brought a wee bag o' ice
for the wee un's leg.
What?
We're not doing that anymore?
Coming up next...
I signed up
when my bender was over.
In fact,
that's my screen name...
Bend her over.
- Action.
- Nothing tastes as good
as finally fulfilling
a lifelong dream--
- You okay?
- Medic!
Had a little hairball.
I'll be good, though.
Action.
Oh, jee--
Honey, cocktail hour
isn't for another hour.
You don't sound drunk.
You can tell
because I...
I'm stumbling
over my lines.
So far the only song
we know is, um...
What song is it
that we know?
- Oh, my God!
- What?
I don't know
the freaking line!
- We're very immature.
- Unprofessional.
Yeah. Well,
they're much younger.
Yeah. Right.
No, I'll start going
just because
she's got sparkly, pretty,
dancing eyes.
And so when she starts
to like
get a little glimmer
and smile a little bit,
- I'm outta there.
- But I don't sometimes!
And you accuse me of doing that,
and I'm not!
Remember those giant muffins
we loved
until we found out they were
like a thousand calories each?
He's that good.
He's muffin good.
You get a twinkle
in your eye!
I am not twinkling!
Come on.
- I'm not.
- Okay.
He's that good.
He's muffin good!
- No!
- Yes!
Well, we're just going
to have to do for each other
what we did
with the muffins.
Just eat the top?
Hmm...
- Here we go, right from there.
- Wait, I messed up, Betty.
I didn't, of course!
You have to understand,
Betty is--
she can hold on
longer than any of us.
She can stand there
and give you the stink eye
for like a long,
long time before she'll go...
Should we try
the lemon meringue?
No. The guys
at pie curious were right.
Once you go BlackBerry...
I signed up
when my bender was over.
In fact,
that's my screen name--
Bend her over.
That night
when we did bend her over,
you just could not
hang on.
You absolutely could not.
I defy anyone
to watch that
and not start giggling.
I signed up
when my bender was over.
Oh, I am so sorry.
No, no!
I signed up when my
bender was over.
All right,
nobody look at her.
- From your line.
- From mine?
- Yes.
- Oh.
I signed up when my--
I signed up when my--
God, no, please forgive me.
Please!
Joy, he is genuinely
crazy about you.
Really?
Are you sure?
Not only are you going
to destroy his ego,
but you are going to
break the heart of a man
who genuinely thinks
that you're in love with him.
That's not right.
Jane, to you.
Action.
Really?
Are you sure?
Not only are you going
to destroy his ego,
but you are going to break
the heart of a man
who truly believes you have
a future together!
That was good!
You're nice too.
I didn't know
you were still acting.
Coming up next...
You bitch.
You've got a b--
Check this out.
♪ Nobody knows ♪
♪ the trouble I've seen ♪
♪ ♪
Oh, you've gotta front up
and bug down, bitch.
Oh, you've gotta front up
and bug down, bitch.
What?
I'm in frickin' jail!
I've done a little time
myself.
I'm not going back
to the slammer.
So one con to another...
I'm gonna kill that mother!
Oh, you've gotta front up
and bug down, bitch.
What?
It's prison slang.
Well, we know who
the bitch is gonna be.
You've gotta--
Bitch, you've got to
bug down and--
You've gotta--
you've gotta go.
Bitch, you've gotta
front up and bug down...
I can't work
with these women.
I have no business
doing this much work
at this age,
for heaven's sake.
But what's to walk away from?
You can't walk away
from these girls.
It's a compression garment
that gives a smooth line
under your clothes.
Oh,
I've got--
It's not easy
working with these girls.
But it's wonderful.
- Perh... oh.
- Oh I'm sorry Darling.
- Honestly!
No we're just going from...
from my line...
Okay...
- So let's start with her line?
- Yes.
Bitch.
Every week is just a new surprise
for us around here.
That thing that I wore, that thing
that I got when I was that model?
Oh [Bleep] that's *******.
Well, I don't know!
Enough with the hands.
It was the angle of the picture,
[Bleep]!
Come on, we can catch
a ride with his fruit--
- Wait--
- Oh, [Bleep].
I mean, mercy!
And... action.
Well, obviously the only
authentic psychics
are in L.A.
It's just like
the Mexican food.
Actually, I was surprised
Cleveland had psychics.
Oh, we have a sizeable
sss...
Sucker American community.
What are you laughing at?
Don't make fun
of an older woman.
Imagine the look on her face
when she sees me
belting out her vocals.
Yeah, I can't imagine it,
because I'll be singing lead.
- No, I'm singing lead.
- But you stink.
But you stink much worse!
We all stink!
But this...
♪ Will make us all sound cool. ♪
♪ ♪
Bottoms up, everybody!
♪ We're four single girls ♪
♪ on a Saturday night. ♪
♪ Having Tom Brady's baby
might be fun ♪
♪ if you're doing it right ♪
♪ We're four single girls
on a Saturday night. ♪
I don't need sex with you.
I have my son.
♪ We are so not gonna
get laid tonight. ♪
Hello!
I'm Melanie.
Sometimes my voice
gets deep and sensual.
I am Victor Victoria Chase.
I'm sexy if you really
put your mind to it.
Hi, I'm Joy.
I'm engaged...
to a homeless man.
It's me.
I'm powerless
in the presence of
a real man.
Don't stop!
♪ We're four single girls
on a Saturday night. ♪
♪ See ya, losers. ♪
♪ I got a date. ♪
♪ We are so not gonna
get laid tonight ♪
Aah!
Four.
All four cameras. Mark.
Hey, this is Reggie
with the alarm company.
I'm not gonna make it today.
Please call to reschedule.
Oh, boy.
I'm good.
♪ We're been doing this
for hours ♪
♪ but I can't stop. ♪
And... action.
Oh, who am I kidding?
I can't be poor.
I'm flying to Sha--
♪ Flying to shaw
shh shh da ♪
Oh, who am I kidding?
I can't be poor.
I'm plying--
Okay, now I'm really
ready.
Is it too late to recast?
Oh, who am I kidding?
I can't be poor.
I'm flying private to--
to chi--
I used to be able to speak,
but that was last season.
As an actress,
I have an extremely
highly developed set
of vocal chords.
Right before we went to move--
bah-hee.
I think I killed
the soonlugee.
Who?
Finuwhoogee.
Our Winston is an extremely
happer and dancin--
Talk much?
I...
Aah!
Aah!
Just remember...
stick to the script.
Listen to this.
Smooth.
Ehh.
Eeh!
Sorry.
Rruuu..
He--rrrruuu... sorry.
Hah!
Ach ach ach ach ach!
Honorary... rrrruuu...
Yay! Whoo whoo whoo!
That one doesn't even
make sense.
May we please get back
to the topic at hand?
You are going to break
the heart
of a man who truly believed
that you have a future together.
Ha ha ha!
I think we're getting
into a weird area here.
You mean the guy who
humped and bumped you before--
[Bleep]
I'm so sorry.
Just read it normally.
Normally?
Whatever do you mean?
Oh, yay, Jane!
Weird. I thought I
Nuk dak puk najica ee!
Such a beautiful language.
You know,
on Edge of Tomorrow,
when Honor St. Raven went in
for a double murder,
she was released
after six weeks
for saving the warden's children
from an axe murderess.
And not only that.
She earned a degree
in advanced bionics
from the Yale
university of correspondence.
So sometimes, you know,
you just...
Make prison
what you need to make prison.
I would say,
more than anything in the world,
Victoria wants adulation.
Honor St. Raven
did have a situation like this.
I played a bass-playing
angel...
A homeless woman...
A sexy lady lawyer...
A lady storm chaser
in the Lifetime movie...
Concrete Pillow...
Always by Your Side...
Rock and Roll Heaven...
Soccer Mom Ninja!
Hah!
Was that the one
where you were sent to earth
to teach death row inmates
about love and harmony?
No. That was
Dead Man Rocking.
It's basic cable.
- How do you know that?
- Well, don't you remember
on Edge of Tomorrow when
Honor St. Raven became a nun
and took a vow of silence?
I did all my acting
with my eyes.
Ladies and ladies...
Elka has left the building.
No, no!
Hang on.
Why don't you guys
take five,
I'll put on
a giant pot of coffee,
and we'll rehearse
some more?
Sorry. I'll take that again.
Hang on.
Why don't you guys r--
How about you guys take five...
I'll put on a giant
pot of coffee,
and we'll rehearse
for a few more hours...
A little louder, honey.
They can't--
I always say to them,
don't fix me.
Don't mend me
because there's so much
more fun to be had
when you're playing someone
who's a little bit unstable
and crazy.
I've had a tough year.
I was engaged
to a homeless man.
My business is in shambles,
I'm about to be deported.
I went from, "I love you"
to a restraining order
in under ten minutes.
I've had mothers walk in.
I've had mirrors
fall from ceilings,
revealing hidden cameras.
I've had pet ferrets.
I accidentally shot the son
I gave up for adoption.
Oh, God, my life.
I love this guy.
So much.
And I love you so much,
baby.
Hey, coming up next...
Hal-lo.
Now, come on.
Keep your perspective.
You want some of this?
Johnny, Johnny.
You have been given
a second chance.
Now, come on.
Keep your perspective.
We're getting
each other dates,
and here's who I want.
Jack Huntington?
- Wow. He's handsome.
- And rich.
I'm steering my boat
in a whole new direction--
Hot and loaded.
♪ What girls, what girls ♪
♪ like about boys ♪
♪ what girls, what girls ♪
♪ like about boys ♪
Can you find me
somebody...
laid back?
Maybe with a beard,
long hair.
No man-boobs.
Nothing abnormally
large or small.
Young, Latin, adoring.
No third anything.
Nice buns too.
A charming, lying,
handsome rat
who no girl could resist.
Faded levis and no shirt.
On a motorcycle.
No helmet.
Bit of a scruff.
I don't care
what he's wearing.
I can just picture him
on top of me.
♪ What girls like
about boys ♪
I've always had a thing
for Robert De Niro.
♪ They like everything ♪
I like that.
I like it
when you talk.
He had a butt
like two scoops of ice cream.
Probably doesn't look
anything like Jesus, right?
I'm just freaking out
over nothing.
I am on a date
with conjoined twins.
But he's a really nice guy.
I am on a date
with conjoined twins.
How could you not have
noticed this?
I was a little busy looking
for men without breasts!
You know, it's harder
than you think in Cleveland.
Why must our planet be filled
with beautiful women
who exist simply to...
break our hearts?
Wait! Wait,
now I want you back.
♪ What girls
like about boys ♪
Imagine what
he looks like naked.
I'm way ahead of ya.
I have never enjoyed
chatting with a woman more.
Line.
I'm so sorry, Steve.
No, no, no, baby,
are you kidding?
I'm making up
my own lines also.
You said at the meeting
that you know the spot
where it goes down.
Can you take me there?
I...
There's nothing
I would like more!
Action.
Up until
your one-night stand
turned out to be
your boyfriend's brother,
you had a sex life.
Why do I feel
as slutty as I look?
Uh-- sound?
Bingo!
I love Melanie.
I just-- I love Melanie.
She's so much fun to play.
She does things I would
probably never do
or feel I could
get away with.
But I love being able
to do that through Melanie.
Let me-- let me--
oh, God bless America!
God bless America!
God bless America!
Melanie's getting a little
feistier this season,
I've noticed.
She' got a little
more salt in her.
You want some of this?
'Cause she was kind of
America's sweetheart,
which I think
really annoyed her.
What the [Bleep]?
There was a scene
that the writers wrote
that we started having
a lot of fun with.
So they extended it
a little bit
where Joy meets her son,
her long-lost son
for the first time
and accidentally shoots him.
Look, I have an alarm guy
coming in the morning.
We do not need any guns.
- Aah!
- Aah!
Oh! M-my name is Owen.
I'm looking for
my birth mother.
Which one of you
is Joyce Scroggs?
Her.
Literally, it was a scene
that we never rehearsed
all the way through
without laughing.
- We were really bad.
- Well, it was impossible.
He's waking up.
I don't know how to do
a British accent!
- Just talk like I do!
- Oh, this is a bad idea.
Hal-lo!
Don't start...
Action.
I wish I had known
you were comin'.
I'd have put on
a spot o' tea.
What your mom is trying to say--
What your mom is trying to say
in her reserved English way is
gosh, darn it--
Stop.
Perhaps I can be
of some assistance.
I'm lady Winchester.
Are you all insane?
Oh, good,
the paramedics are here.
I brought a wee bag o' ice
for the wee un's leg.
What?
We're not doing that anymore?
Coming up next...
I signed up
when my bender was over.
In fact,
that's my screen name...
Bend her over.
- Action.
- Nothing tastes as good
as finally fulfilling
a lifelong dream--
- You okay?
- Medic!
Had a little hairball.
I'll be good, though.
Action.
Oh, jee--
Honey, cocktail hour
isn't for another hour.
You don't sound drunk.
You can tell
because I...
I'm stumbling
over my lines.
So far the only song
we know is, um...
What song is it
that we know?
- Oh, my God!
- What?
I don't know
the freaking line!
- We're very immature.
- Unprofessional.
Yeah. Well,
they're much younger.
Yeah. Right.
No, I'll start going
just because
she's got sparkly, pretty,
dancing eyes.
And so when she starts
to like
get a little glimmer
and smile a little bit,
- I'm outta there.
- But I don't sometimes!
And you accuse me of doing that,
and I'm not!
Remember those giant muffins
we loved
until we found out they were
like a thousand calories each?
He's that good.
He's muffin good.
You get a twinkle
in your eye!
I am not twinkling!
Come on.
- I'm not.
- Okay.
He's that good.
He's muffin good!
- No!
- Yes!
Well, we're just going
to have to do for each other
what we did
with the muffins.
Just eat the top?
Hmm...
- Here we go, right from there.
- Wait, I messed up, Betty.
I didn't, of course!
You have to understand,
Betty is--
she can hold on
longer than any of us.
She can stand there
and give you the stink eye
for like a long,
long time before she'll go...
Should we try
the lemon meringue?
No. The guys
at pie curious were right.
Once you go BlackBerry...
I signed up
when my bender was over.
In fact,
that's my screen name--
Bend her over.
That night
when we did bend her over,
you just could not
hang on.
You absolutely could not.
I defy anyone
to watch that
and not start giggling.
I signed up
when my bender was over.
Oh, I am so sorry.
No, no!
I signed up when my
bender was over.
All right,
nobody look at her.
- From your line.
- From mine?
- Yes.
- Oh.
I signed up when my--
I signed up when my--
God, no, please forgive me.
Please!
Joy, he is genuinely
crazy about you.
Really?
Are you sure?
Not only are you going
to destroy his ego,
but you are going to
break the heart of a man
who genuinely thinks
that you're in love with him.
That's not right.
Jane, to you.
Action.
Really?
Are you sure?
Not only are you going
to destroy his ego,
but you are going to break
the heart of a man
who truly believes you have
a future together!
That was good!
You're nice too.
I didn't know
you were still acting.
Coming up next...
You bitch.
You've got a b--
Check this out.
♪ Nobody knows ♪
♪ the trouble I've seen ♪
♪ ♪
Oh, you've gotta front up
and bug down, bitch.
Oh, you've gotta front up
and bug down, bitch.
What?
I'm in frickin' jail!
I've done a little time
myself.
I'm not going back
to the slammer.
So one con to another...
I'm gonna kill that mother!
Oh, you've gotta front up
and bug down, bitch.
What?
It's prison slang.
Well, we know who
the bitch is gonna be.
You've gotta--
Bitch, you've got to
bug down and--
You've gotta--
you've gotta go.
Bitch, you've gotta
front up and bug down...
I can't work
with these women.
I have no business
doing this much work
at this age,
for heaven's sake.
But what's to walk away from?
You can't walk away
from these girls.
It's a compression garment
that gives a smooth line
under your clothes.
Oh,
I've got--
It's not easy
working with these girls.
But it's wonderful.