Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 18 - Arch Enemies - full transcript

And you know, Colin,

I was surprised to find out how many ohioans
are making cheese on their own backyards.

And who knew cheese
came from an animal?

All right, everybody.

And for those of you who like
wine with your cheese,

and I know you do, Victoria,

tonight's tech report reviews
a groundbreaking new app

that actually lets you
taste and smell things

right on your computer.

For example, this 1964 Lafite.

Oh, that is fantastic.



Victoria, smell the bouquet.

- I don't smell anything.
- Really?

Oh, they did say
senior citizens

might not be able
to smell it--

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Ah, yes, yes.
No, I--I smell it now.

I smell it big time.

And the most amazing feature is

if you lick the screen,

you can actually
taste the wine.

It's remarkable.

Mmm.
Oh it's a bit tannic.

But, um, very bold finish.

Gotcha!



Oh, the fun we have here
at Channel Seven.

Oh, we certainly do.
Lots of fun.

But what isn't fun

is that there is something
in your house right now

that may be killing you
and your children.

Stay tuned right
after these words.

I mean, Colin pulls these
pranks all the time.

This is just the first
time he's had the nerve

to do it on the air.

So what did you say to him?

Oh, I went ballistic,
of course.

And then he said what
he always says.

"Oh, get over it!"
Ew!

I hate when men say
things like that.

"Get over it" or "just relax"

or "how did you get into my
apartment without a key?"

Anyway, this time I don't
want to get over it.

I want to get even.

Well, you've come
to the right place.

- What's his horse's head?
- Excuse me?

His weakness.

You know,
like in The Godfather,

where the guy wakes up with his
horse's head in the bed.

- Good one that.
- Oh, yeah.

Well, Colin considers himself

Cleveland's premier ladies man.

You know, he pumps them up
and then sleeps with them

and dumps them and brags
about it in the newsroom.

Hmm.
Has he ever been dumped?

No, no, he prides
himself on that.

Then that's what we'll do.

I'll seduce him, lead him on,

then dump him in one of
the hideously embarrassing ways

men have always dumped me.

It's about time I gave a man
a taste of his own medicine.

Like that pharmacist I dated.

Only I didn't know
he'd have that reaction

to his own medicine.

Anyway, this will be fun.

And I won't micro-manage
your method.

You know, just be sure
that I am there when you do it,

so I can pop out and sneer,
"oh, get over it!"

You'll never believe
who I ran into.

Dead wife guy.

You mean the guy who almost
threw up when he saw you

because you look
like his dead wife?

Yes.
Dead wife guy.

We had
a beautiful conversation.

He asked me out.

And get this--he imports

Italian...Designer...Shoes.

- No!
- Get out!

Yes, I got myself
a number three

on the perfect husband list.

I thought number three
was a plastic surgeon

who looks just like
George Clooney.

No, no, no, no, no.
It goes island owner,

plastic surgeon who looks
like George Clooney,

importer of designer shoes,

plastic surgeon who doesn't
look like George Clooney,

and any childless
billionaire who...

Just needs a companion

for the last two weeks
of his life.

Ooo!
That must be Elka.

She's skyping in from Europe.

- Bonjour!
- Bonjour.

You know, the food
here in Paris is delicious.

Victoria, you would love this
chocolate croissant.

Here, have a lick.

Oh! I'm sorry.
I must have the wrong office.

Or the right one.

What's your handicap?

Beautiful brunettes
with killer smiles.

Wait!
You're Colin Cooper.

Yes, I get that quite a lot,

being Colin Cooper and all.

Your the most trusted face
in Cleveland Broadcasting.

It's the rest of me you
gotta worry about.

I'm Joy.
Joy Scroggs.

Big fan.

Well, thank you.

Mind if I perch?

A lovely bird should perch.

It's such a pleasure
to hear someone speak

without an accent.

Well, then I know just where
to take you for lunch.

There's a brand-new pub
down on prospect.

Feels just like home.

Pints of lager,
steak and kidney pie,

plates of mushy peas.

Mmm! Mushy peas.

Let me just run down
to the set and grab my jacket

- and we'll head off, eh?
- Lovely.

Good.

Sss!

Joy?
Where did he go?

Oh, relax.
He just went to get his jacket.

- It is going splendidly.
- Heh!

There's something freeing
about hitting on a man

I know I'm gonna break up with.

You know me, if I were
really into this guy,

I'd be nervous,
self-conscious, obsessive.

Clingy, unbalanced, insecure.

What?
You started it.

I like being cool Joy.

I mean, there could be
a naked woman

hiding in that closet right now

- and I could not care less.
- Oh, come on!

Now what woman in this day
and age would hide in a closet?

I've got a lunch.
I'll be back in an hour.

Yes, I am aware of the irony.

- Shall we?
- Let's.

Me first.

You know, Gucci is about to
unveil a new shoe.

A six-inch heel that also
tones your thighs.

Oh!

Say that again...
Only slower.

- I can get you a sample.
- Oh!

I'm a 6-1/2!

Oh. Perfect sample size.

You about ready to
order dessert?

- Oh, uh, let's see...
- Excuse me.

I had bread, two glasses
of wine and pasta.

So I need to find
something chocolaty

that's negative 300 calories.

Is everything okay down there?

- Oh, all good.
- Oh.

Ah, I'm really glad
you decided to

go out with me again, Melanie.

You really are
the perfect package.

From the top
of your pretty head

all the way down to your...

Super sexy toe cleavage.

I think dead wife guy
might be into feet.

Well, not all feet.
My feet.

He likes my feet.

Oh, so he's a shrimper.

A what?

A shrimper.
A guy who likes feet.

Well, actually
toes to be exact.

Because toes look just like
baby shrimp, ergo shrimper.

Hmm.

Well, when you put it that way,

you know, it's...kinda cute.

And maybe I'm wrong.

I mean, all he did was notice
that I have attractive feet.

Melanie, men don't notice feet

unless they're into feet.

Yeah, they barely notice faces.

What's so funny?

Oh, it's from Colin.
Private joke about the welsh.

You already have private jokes?

Oh! That is so delicious.

He is never going
to see it coming.

Ah! I am going to sleep
like a baby tonight.

You really seem to be having
a good time with this guy.

Are sure you're not
falling for him?

Of course not.
I would never fall for him.

That would ruin everything.

You're a good friend, Joy.

I've fallen for him.
I've ruined everything!

How could you be crazy
about him already?

- It was just one lunch.
- A three-hour lunch

where we never stopped
laughing or talking

or finishing each
other's sentences.

I mean, sure, he's pompous
and smarmy and arrogant.

And in an uglier man,
that would be unattractive.

But you know me.

Good-looking bad boy.
That's my horse's head.

You booby-trapped
the doughnut box

to make me storm in here
looking ridiculous.

Well, it didn't work.

Oh, come on, Victoria,

you can't possibly think
I meant that for you.

You're the one whose always
saying, "I never eat sweets.

I've got willpower."

Yeah, well I was having
a low blood sugar moment.

Well, listen, if you're
still a bit peckish,

have a three musketeers bar.
My treat.

- Thank you.
- Gotcha!

- Oh, you juvenile, pathetic...
- Oh, get over it!

Colin Cooper.
Oh, hi Phil!

Yeah, I can't make
the poker game tonight.

I've got a date.

Well, that's just it, mate.

I would rather spend
poker night with Joy

'cause I could see this
really turning into

something serious.

Oh, so I'm a woman

because now I care
about someone.

Well, you're the woman!

No, just don't tell
the other guys.

Just say I'm sick or something.

Are you okay?
You seem a little nervous.

No, it's just that
I got you something,

and I just hope
it's not too soon.

Oh, bill.
It's a ring box.

It most certainly is.

It's a toe ring.

It most certainly is.

May I?

Yes.

Ew! Ugh!

Break out the cocktail sauce,
I'm dating a shrimper.

Really?

You gonna keep him
or throw him back?

Keep him, I think.

I mean, that's why I moved
to Cleveland.

To try new things, right?

I mean, how bad could it be to
have a guy worship your feet?

Wouldn't know.

Never had a man travel
that far South.

Most just make a quick stop
at the Equator,

empty my fridge,
and peel out of the driveway.

Ladies, I have fabulous news!

You started playing paintball?

Oh, no, no, it's just
another one of Colin's pranks.

Which makes my fabulous news
even more enjoyable.

I overheard Colin on the phone.

Joy, he is genuinely
crazy about you.

Really?
Are you sure?

Not only are you going
to destroy his ego,

but you are going to
break the heart

of a man who truly thinks
you have a future together.

You know, to prolong his agony,

maybe you should let Joy
string him along for a while.

Yes!

Like after Christmas
in London with my family.

That'll really get him.
- No, no!

What are you talking about?
Now I had this all planned.

No, , you were going to
dump him on the porch tonight.

And while he's
reeling in shock,

you'll ring the wind chimes,
and that'll be my signal

to come out and gloat.

Oh, so now you like
the wind chimes.

When I bought them
at the renaissance fair,

you said they were stupid.

Yeah, well they are stupid,

and so is the renaissance fair.

Oh, yeah?
Well that's just because

you weren't selected to
be wench of the joust.

Maybe.

Anyway, the important thing is

Colin will never be able
to look at Joy again

without disgust nd heartbreak.

Oh!
It's just so beautiful.

Colin, stop!
I don't think we should--

Should what?

Stop kissing.

That wind chime noise

was caused by the wind!

Isn't that usually
the case with wind chimes?

Oh, no, a second chime!
You've got to go now!

You gonna turn into
a pumpkin or something?

I'll explain
everything tomorrow.

Just go!

Text me!

Oh, get over it--
wait, where did he go?

I heard wind chimes.

I didn't break up with him.

There's just this thing
between us.

I can't explain it.

You know the thing
you can't explain.

You know the thing.

Yeah, we all know the thing.

We've all done stupid things
for the thing.

And if you think
that this thing is

going to turn into
a bigger thing, then...

Well I won't stand in your way.

I'll just have to get back
at Colin some other way.

Thank you, Victoria.

All right.

It's from Colin.

"Lunch tomorrow, baby?"

That's what he calls me.
"Baby."

- Ah.
- Hmm!

Oh, God,
what term of endearment

should I write back?
Honey?

Sounds like we're old marrieds.

Ducky?
Who am I, Benny Hill?

Oh, God!
It's happening!

I was cool Joy when I knew
it was going to end,

but now that I care,
I'm nervous and insecure.

No, no, fight it.
You can be cool Joy again.

Just like I'm cool Melanie
dating a shrimper.

Me!

That's right, Joy.

I mean, if someone
as uptight as Melanie

can date a pervert,

then surely
there's hope for you.

You are crazy.

You're much prettier
than Keira Knightly.

Oh, please.

Tell me more.

And support your argument.

You seen her feet?

She's a two-socker.

You know, bill,
I'm getting a sense

of what you're into,
and if I'm right,

I am willing to...
Dip my toe in the water.

Really?

It's all new to me,
but I'm cool.

I'm cool Melanie
trying new things.

Well, fantastic!

Well, then would you be up
for a little role playing?

Role playing?

Yeah, with--

hang your feet off
the edge of the chair there.

Like they're sticking out
of the window of a parked car,

and I'll be the officer
passing by.

Excuse me, ma'am.

I couldn't help
noticing your feet.

Oh, sorry.

I was just...

Airing them out.

Well, I'm afraid
I'm gonna have to arrest you

for a dui.

Deliciously unforgettable
instep.

Oh, officer,

couldn't you just let me off
with a warning?

Well, there's also the issue

of indecent exposure.

But I could give you
something to slip on.

Shoe sample?

This one's for you...

Cause you're a good girl.

And this one's for you...

Cause you're a bad girl.

You know what?

Hi! Ready for lunch.

- Oy, you look ravishing.
- Thank you.

Hey, does this
sound scary enough

for the 11:00 news program?

"There's a flesh-eating virus
that may be lurking

in something you and your
children eat every day."

Oh, my God, is there?

No, that's why I legally
have to say may be.

Oh, excuse me,
Mr. Cooper?

They need you
in editing for a second,

and this came for you.

Thanks, Devon.

Devon.

It's a pretty name.
Pretty girl.

Yeah, I suppose so.

Who's the gift from?

Probably just a fan.

Hmm. A fan
named "love ya, Jennifer."

Who's "love ya, Jennifer"?

I haven't a clue.

I'll make this as quick
as I can, baby.

Cool Joy.

Cool Joy.

Cool Joy.

Oh, screw it!

Aah!
Gotcha!

Victoria, you did this?

Joy, that was meant for Colin.

- Why did you open it?
- It was taunting me.

I could hear it saying,
"I'm from Jennifer!

"I'm 22!
I have big breasts.

Colin and I laugh about you
when we're having great sex!"

All right, now I'm confused.

Are you the box
or are you Jennifer?

He's coming back!
Hide in your closet.

- It is not my closet!
- Just hide!

So, you're ready to go?

What happened to you?

I opened the box.

Victoria.
I'm sorry.

That must have been
a practical joke meant for me.

But, darling,
why did you open it?

Because I get crazy jealous
when I care about a man.

Also crazy paranoid.

Oh, and crazy insecure.

But for what it's worth,
I've been trying to fight it.

But it's hard.

I just want to be honest
with you.

Then I'll be honest with you.

I've been fighting
my true nature as well.

I've been faithful to you
since we've met.

And it's killing me.

We met eight days ago.

I know.
It's a personal best.

So our fake selves
are compatible,

but our real selves
wouldn't stand a chance.

Insane jealousy does not pair
well with serial womanizer.

Not in my experience, no.

On the other hand,

my real safe and my fake self

are incredibly attracted
to you.

Please tell me
at least one of them

is about to get naked.

Well, it has been eight days.

Wait!
What about my green face?

What green face?

Men really don't notice
faces, do they?

I should warn you.

I normally break up with a woman
once I sleep with her.

And I should warn you.

Something will be missing
from your office tomorrow,

or broken off your car.

- Fine!
- Fine!

Victoria?
What the--

Oh, get over it!

Coming up next.

Is there something
in your house

that's causing you
and your children

to go bald?

The answer may surprise you.

Isn't that right, Colin?

Sure surprised me.

Heh!
How did you--

I switched out his shampoo

for something
a little more potent.

I did it for me and Victoria

and all the other women
he's dumped.

Although I must say,

he looks rather good bald,
doesn't he?

A lot of women find
that look attractive.

Me for instance.

Oh, great, now he's going to
have even more women,

and there's no chance we'll
ever get back together again.

I know!

I'll pin this on Victoria.

That way he'll need me
to get back at her.

I'll make it up
to Victoria somehow.

It will all be fine in the end.

Good night, Joy.

Oh, good night, Melanie.

Melanie.

The only problem
with this plan is Melanie.

She knows too much.