Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 17 - The Emmy Show - full transcript

"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Oh! You have a secret admirer?

Yeah, listen do this...

"I spied you in
Lakewood Park yesterday,

"gorgeous brunette
with amazing smile.

"With a delicate purposeful
flick of your finger,

"you tossed away
strands of hair

"behind you ear
and melted my heart."

Aw.

Hey, I was with you
at the park.

So?



So I could be
the gorgeous brunette.

Well...

I suppose you could be, but...

But... what?

Well, he wrote,
"amazing smile."

But you never smile.

That's what makes it
so amazing.

Okay, then how do you explain
the line

about the hair tuck?

That's my signature move.

All right.

To humor you,
let's write him back

for some more details.

Yes, let's.



Gather round, people.

I have a major announcement.

My daughter Emmy
is coming to visit.

Oh, that's great.

Oh, I haven't seen Emmy
in so long.

Well, how old is she now?

Let's see, she was born
four years before Will,

so she's what, 26?

That sounds right.

Oh, no, I remember,

because she was born
the same year I received

my first Emmy nomination
for Edge of Tomorrow.

Yeah, I named her Emmy
because I figured

one way or another,
I was gonna bring one home.

Speaking of which,
how are Tony and Oscar?

Well...

It was an honor
just to give birth to them.

I just wish that I knew why
Emmy was coming.

She's always up to something.

Well, what'd she say
on the phone?

That the Brazilian telenovela
she starred in

got canceled.

Noooo.

They canceled
Too Poor to Dream?

Well, I'll bet Emmy's coming

because her show
was canceled.

And your show was canceled.

So she's just looking
for some sympathy,

and her mother's love.

Fat chance.

I just read on TMZ

she's writing a tell-all book
about you.

What?!

Oh, no!
That's terrible!

Well, it might not be bad.

Maybe she's writing
a tell-all

about what a great mother
you are.

It's called
Every day is Mother's day.

See?
That's sweet.

Colon...

How I survived being raised

by daytime's evil queen.

How did you get
Emmy's book?

Oh, my agent got
advance review copies

from her publisher.

Did you really send
your housekeeper

to stand in for you at
Emmy's mother-daughter day?

And I paid
for her English lessons

so she could pull it off.

Of course, they conveniently
left that out.

Why did you send in
a stand-in?

Well, I didn't want Emmy
to be alone.

And I was in Vancouver

shooting the Lifetime
original movie

Always by your side.

Wait, you lied to her

about being allergic
to sugar?

Well, technically, yes.

But, you know,
but her perfect teeth

and her gorgeous figure
say,

"thanks for the lie,
mommy."

I honestly meant well,
you know.

And even when I had
to be away,

I always made sure
she was well taken care of.

She absolutely adored
her old Irish nanny,

nanny Bridget.

You know,
she's the reason

that Emmy pronounces potatoes
"puh-tay-toes".

Are you gonna tell her
you got an advance copy

of the book?

Of course not.

No, I am gonna just
shower her with kindness

until she feels
so bad she kills it.

Guilt, denial,
emotional extortion...

Oh, who says I don't know
how to mother?

Oh, it's a follow-up post

from the "I spied you
Cleveland" guy.

Okay, okay.

Before we read this
and find out

which one of us
he was talking about--

I don't want this
to affect our friendship.

'Cause, you know,
it could be either one of us.

Agreed.

May the most amazing smile win.

Here we go.

I'll arrange a meeting
tomorrow.

We'll both go,

and that way we'll know
for sure.

Yes, well,
you'll know for sure.

I already know.

Are you baking cookies
for Emmy?

Oh, I poured vanilla extract
on tinfoil

and put it in the oven.

Creates a warm
and welcoming atmosphere.

So she'll never know
I read the book.

What happens
when she wants a cookie?

Oh, well, that's why I woke up
early this morning

and drove over to that bakery
on Franklin.

And then I scattered
a half cup of flour

all over the counter.

I whisked two eggs
and put the shells in the sink

so she'd be sure
to see them.

Wouldn't it
have been easier

just to bake the cookies?

I don't take shortcuts, Joy.

Anyway, all of this combined
with my mirroring technique

should win her over.

Mirroring?

Yeah, it's an old
acting trick.

You just behave exactly like
the person you're with.

It makes them feel
like they're being heard

and subconsciously puts them
on your side.

I do it with you guys
all the time.

That's terrible!

I agree!

Mother.

Darling.

Every time I see you,

you look younger
than the time before.

I mean, who are you,
Benjamin Button?

Daughter darling,

every time I see you,
you're even more beautiful.

And who are you?

Benjamin Button, junior?

Hi.

Aw.

Ohhh.

Melanie and Joy,
it's so good to see you.

Hi, Emmy.

So I made up the guest room,

and tonight I am going
to cook you

your favorite dinner.

Broiled salmon
and fingerling puh-tay-toes.

Wait a minute.

I smell foil cookies.

Why are you being so nice?

Oh, my God,
you read the book!

Oh, my God,
I read the book!

Ha!
I should've known!

Ha!
You should've!

I think your mom
is just hurt

by some of the things
that you wrote.

Well, I mean,
they had to be said.

She was a terrible mother,
gallivanting from set to set,

leaving your two children
to be raised by staff.

I left three children.
I--

Yes, three.

Right, I always forget Tony.

Well, it's easy to do.

I mean, a civil engineer?

What does that even mean?

That he's nice
when he drives a train?

I know.

And who even takes trains
anymore?

Anyway, the point is,
you were never around.

Yeah, well, I had to work.

And I don't recall you
complaining

when I bought you boobs
for your 16th birthday.

Well, I wanted a car.

Yeah, well,
those boobs got you rides

in lots of cars.

And I cannot believe
that you came here

just to throw your book
in my face.

Actually, I came here
to get a quote from you.

After I threw my book
in your face.

Well.

I'm sorry that I wasn't
the mother

that you wanted me to be.

Well, I'm sorry that I wasn't
the daughter

you wanted me to be.

Oh, my God,
how dare you mirror me?

Just like your career,

this conversation is over.

I'm on hiatus.

Why did you go outside?

It was too long a cross
to go upstairs

to my bedroom,

and I didn't want her
to have the first slam.

Well, that didn't go well.

God, I just wish
there was someone

who could get through
to her.

Well, I could give it
a try.

Oh, that's sweet
of you, Mel,

but let's face it,
you're a wuss.

I mean,
she'd just eat you alive.

And you're mean enough, Joy,

but, well, your personality
can be off-putting.

Not everyone gets your dry...

Heartless wit.

Are you trying to get us
to write a tell-all book?

Oh, I am sorry.

Well, honey,
don't you think

the best person
to talk to her

would be The woman
that raised her?

Of course.

You're absolutely right.

So here she is.

The woman who raised you,

your old nanny Bridget.

Yes, 'tis I,

nanny Bridget.

He said he'd be the one
with the rose

at his table.

Oh, boy.

Let's get out of here
before he sees us.

He's waving us over.

Welcome.

I'm Austin.

I'm glad you ladies
made it.

You were expecting
both of us?

Yes, I wanted to give you both
a shot,

so I kept it vague.

Look, you seem like
a nice kid,

and you write amazing prose,

but for obvious reasons,

this is not gonna work out.

I'm sure you'll have no trouble
finding a girl

your own age.

I'm already
in a satisfying relationship.

Now, I'm looking for someone
for my father.

"I spied you Cleveland"?

Welcome.

What's going on here?

You posted about her, too?

I'll explain.
Have a seat.

I have two roses.

One of you
will be eliminated

before we get to the final round
with my dad.

So this is for a date
with your father?

Look, this is crazy.

Let's get out of here.

Oh, well, then I guess
he's all yours.

I hope you like abs.

I suppose we could stay
for a minute.

Is that allowed?
They did leave.

My dad rowed crew
for Harvard

and later competed
in the '98 Olympics.

He owns his own landscape
architecture firm.

And he's also
recently widowed.

So basically,

this is just like
Sleepless in Seattle.

Aw...

You look so different.

Time can be a cruel mistress.

Have you seen
Val Kilmer lately?

I mean she's prettier
than I remember.

As are you, my wee 'un.

Ah, you're as buxom
as the hills of Derry.

Emphasis on the Derry.

I just grew up.

But you look like
a totally different person.

Okay, over the years,

I've sent money
to nanny Bridget

for some extensive
plastic surgery.

I asked her not to say anything

because I like my good deeds
to be secret.

What good deeds?

You see?

Okay.

Yeah.

I can see it
right there in your eyes.

It is you.

Nanny, it's so good
to see you.

Well, I'll just leave
you two alone, then.

Yep, you always did.

Now, don't be talkin'
to your mother like that.

I'm sorry, nanny.

Look, I know that this
is gonna sound really silly,

but will you please
sing me that song

that I used to love
when I was a little girl?

Aye, that I will.

Now, close your wee eyes,
as you always did.

I don't remember that.

And maybe close
your wee mouth, too.

[Singing to tune of "Danny boy"

♪ Oh, Emmy girl ♪

♪ the boys, the boys
are calling ♪

♪ from Beverly Glen ♪

♪ and down the valley side ♪ ♪

Oh, my God.

You still write on your hand,

just like you did
when I was little.

Aye, 'tis true.

Uh, and speaking of writin'.

I didna raise ye
to write bad things

about your mother.

Life is like a box

o' lucky charms.

Sure, there's the green clovers
and the yellow moons.

But it is also 80%...

dry oaty stuff.

I understand.

You want me to remember
the good times

and not dwell
on the bad.

Aye, that I do.

You're not gonna get rid
of the hurt by--

by hurtin' someone else.

You know,
it's like when I was little

and Janice Lowrey,
she beat me out

for the sugarplum fairy
in The Nutcracker,

and I ended up playing
the frickin' bonbon.

Uh, exactly.

So naturally,
you know,

I put butter on the bottom
of her ballet shoe,

and then she slipped
and ended up in a cast,

and I felt terrible

because then she got all
of the attention.

I mean, she even got
her own curtain call.

Just like your book.

It could make everyone
feel sorry for your mum.

And--and she gets
all the attention.

Oh, my God, you're right.

Uh-huh.

I have to call my agent

and tell him to cancel
the book and the movie.

Movie?

Paramount called
this morning,

and they want to turn the book
into a movie,

and they wanted my mom and I
to play ourselves.

Stop whatever
you are doing, Emmy.

I just learned
that this woman is a fraud.

She is not
your nanny Bridget.

- She's not?
- I'm not?

No. Here, quick,
give me your phone

so I can call
the authorities.

Okay, well,
what is going on?

That is exactly
what I intend

to get to the bottom of.

Now, I want you
out of this house at once,

and do not come back.

Aren't you forgettin'
a little something?

Oh, now you're demanding
some sort of bribe

to get out of here?

Well, fine.
Here.

Take these field box
Indian tickets,

and be gone.

I not be seein'
a parking pass.

Oh, it's in there.

Well, Emmy darling,

about our movie...

How'd it go on your one-on-one
date with Austin?

It was good.
He said we really connected.

I don't know why
she's still in the running.

He said he was looking for
someone down-to-earth.

Oh, she is so not
down-to-earth.

We're down-to-earth.

Oh, my God,
this is bonkers.

Let's just go.

You're right, you're right.

You should go.

You're just trying to get me
out of the competition.

No, no, no,
I'm just staying

because I think it might make
a really great article

for my Woman's Day column.

You have got to stop
justifying everything

with that bloody column.

Last night you had
a second piece of cheesecake

because you said it would
make a good article.

Joy.

Melanie.

I've made my decision.

Please join me at the table
for the rose ceremony.

I have a major announcement
to make.

I have a major announcement.

Since you've agreed
to be in the movie,

I have decided
that I will pretend

to have forgiven you.

Oh, and I will pretend
to have forgiven you, too.

So what's your major
announcement?

Well, you were never
really allergic to pizza.

Well, I wish I would have
known that

when I played
a pizza maker's daughter

in the Telemundo
original movie

Her father makes the pizza.

You were wonderful
in that movie.

You know, you really are
a very talented actress, Emmy.

Well, I learned
from the best.

All those years
rehearsing lines with you

for Edge of tomorrow.

You know,
and as a very tiny girl,

you did a most convincing
Jean Marc Dematteis,

international jewel thief.

Thank you.

Honor Saint Raven,

I have stolen jewels
from all over the world,

but it is you
who is a thief,

for you have stolen
my heart.

You're wrong about that.

Because I am not
Honor Saint raven.

I am her evil twin sistah,

Magnolia Saint Raven.

And I am not
Jean Marc Dematteis.

Daddy?

Oh.

You know, my favorite thing

was when dad was away
on business.

- Mm.
- And we'd just get to...

To stay up late,

reading over
your next day's script,

eating our salads
in your bed.

Oh, I loved those nights, too.

You know, when I was doing
research for my book,

I asked dad
what business he was in,

but he was very vague.

His business, uh,

was up-to-no-good
business.

See, your father
had a wandering eye.

That's how we ended up
with old nanny Bridget.

You know, I figured
even your father

wouldn't hit on
an old Irish woman

who reeked of potatoes.

I never knew
any of this.

Well,
no child should have to.

See, my dad did the same thing,
and I did know.

And I just was trying
to spare you that.

Sometimes it's good
to be an actress

in real life, too.

And I know that every parent
uses it as an excuse,

but...

I really did do
the very best that I could.

I know, mom.

And I genuinely do
forgive you.

Oh, thank you.

But we cannot put that
in the movie.

I mean, it will ruin
the ending.

Joy.

Melanie.

Eileen.

This has been
an incredible journey.

Each of you
is very special.

But as you know,

I only have two roses.

The suspense is killing me.

I know.

He really knows
how to drag it out.

Eileen.

We had an amazing time
playing darts.

But...

I can't help but feeling

that you're
a very guarded person.

You have a wall
around your heart.

She is so outta here.

I'd like my dad
to have a chance

to see behind that wall.

What?

What's behind that wall
is a vacant lot.

Eileen, will you accept
this rose?

I will.

Oh!

Joy.
Melanie.

I wish I could take you both
to the final round.

But there's only
one rose left.

Yes, we know.

Would you please just tell us
who it is already?

I will...

But first let me say
you're both amazing,

and any guy would be lucky
to have either of you.

Two women.

One rose.

This wasn't an easy decision.

But the final rose
goes to...

- Austin!
- Dad?

Oh, are you doing
this again?

I told you before.

I'm not leaving
your stepmother.

I'm sorry
about this, ladies.

Come on, Austin.

Sorry.

Wait, who would've gotten
the rose?

Yes, not that it matters,

but which one of us
would you have chosen?

The one with the sparkle
in her eye

and the sadness in her heart.

Aw...

So who's gonna play me
in the movie?

Don't know,
but I described you

as the Sandra Bullock type.

Yes!
I love Sandra Bullock!

And I should be played
by Kate Beckinsale.

Everyone says I look
exactly like--

No, they don't.
Nobody says it.

You say it.

Oh, sorry,
it's a text from my agent.

I have been offered
the lead

in a new telenovela,
Chica blanca loca.

- Oh!
- Congratulations!

Honey,
I am so proud of you.

But you're still gonna be able
to do our movie, right?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, honey,
I am so proud of you.

The downside is they want me
in Ecuador tomorrow

for a camera test.

Anyway, I've gotta go pack.

Yeah, I'll help you.

Ooh, Emmy.

You're an impartial observer.

Which one of us
has a sparkle in her eye

and a sadness
in her heart?

My mom.

- Aw.
- Aw.

That's dear.

But it's not an answer.