Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 16 - Dancing Queens - full transcript

"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Nooooooo!!!!

- What's going on?
- Wha.. what happend?

I gained a pound.

Oh my God.

So you gained a pound.

There's more coming.

You're Clevelanders now.

She's right.
It's happening.

My body is going native.

Ugh, you eat deep-fried Oreo
on a dare



and the next thing
you know,

you're on that slippery,
buttery slope

to an elastic waistband.

No!

I've gained a pound too!

Oh, good.
I'm not alone.

Well, you don't have
to sound so happy.

Well, I'm on an emotional
roller coaster.

You understand.

You're porky like me.

Uh-uh.
I'm not going near that thing.

Last week, I went to
an Italian street fair

and I had a cannoli
inside a zeppoli

inside a stromboli.



It was their version
of a turducken.

Oh, please.

The average woman could eat
your combined weight

in cheese fries.

You know, if we were
in Los Angeles,

this would be so easy.

All we would have to do is go
dance off the extra pounds.

But we can't do that here
because we don't have our GBFFs.

Your what?

G-B-F-Fs.

Gay best friends forever.

In L.A., every woman
has one to go shopping with

and dancing with.

Watch the Oscars
pre-show with.

These are
the gays of our lives.

Well, you can still dance
with straight men.

Dancing with
a straight man

is like putting
a hat on your dog.

It's fun, but you know
he hates it.

Now I really miss Jeffrey.

Oh, and I miss Vladimir.

I miss Daniel
and Rodney and Charles.

I can't hold on to my gays.

Shocker.

You know what we need
to do?

Go out and find
Cleveland GBFFs.

I would love to find
a Cleveland Jeffrey.

Someone who knows all
the latest fashions

and then tells me which ones
I'm too old to pull off.

Someone who can call me "bitch"

and make it feel like a hug.

Let's do this.

No, wait.

Is there even a gay part
of Cleveland?

Of course.

It's down where
the auto shops

have all been turned
into cute cafes.

And one art gallery
I do not recommend.

I love this.

You know, when you go out
with straight men,

you have to create
the illusion

that you're not wearing
any makeup.

But for a gay club, you can
just slap it on with a trowel.

They are gonna go crazy
for us.

We are so not gonna
get laid tonight.

You three look ridiculous.

Ugh.

It's a sea
of product-free hair

and the game is on.

Are we sure this
is a gay bar?

You're Victoria Chase.

It's a gay bar.

Well, hello, new friend.

I'm glad I saw you before
the others

started to swarm.

May I get you a drink?

That would be lovely.

Let me think.

A Bellini,
'cause the peach

will match your complexion

and the champagne will sparkle
like your eyes.

I'm intoxicated already.

Oh.

Young, Latin, adoring.

Could he be any more my type?

Mmm, yeah, don't forget,
we're here to find GBFFs, not lovers.

I know,
but he's just so attractive.

A part of me wishes that I could
be a man for one night

and have him look
into my eyes and want me

the way that only a man
can want another man.

I think we're getting into
a weird area here.

Well, I can't help it.

I mean, look at those arms
and shoulders.

Nice buns too.

What?

It's the name of the bar.

Oh.

Well, Victoria's
got her target,

but what about us?

I think that loser
drinking alone

looks like your type.

Oh, thank you, Elka.

I mean, I know you meant that
as an insult,

but he's perfect.

I've always chosen
the popular

and charismatic gays
and they've always left me.

But a stray gay,
I'll befriend him.

He'll be so grateful.
He'll never leave me.

Okay, you've got
your fawning Latin.

You have your stray you're gonna
lock in a shed out back.

But I don't see anybody here
for me.

I mean, they all look straight.

They're all wearing plaid.

And not ironic plaid.

Not even lesbian plaid.

Elka?

Elka Ostrovsky?

Lydia Dombrowski?

Oh!

Elka, what are you doing?

She had that coming.

Elka, why did you hit her?

Who is she?

Lydia was my best friend...

Until the camping trip when
she slept with my husband.

I didn't do that, Elka.

And I didn't punch
your face

in order to hear it
talk me.

Bob and I were
in the sleeping bag

because I had frostbite
and he was trying

to keep me warm.

Liar.

If you don't believe that,

then believe my three toes.

- Oh, jeez.
- Ugh.

No.

One went to market,
one stayed home,

one had roast beef,
and the last two

got black and fell off.

So the story Bob
told me.

Was true.

Mm-hmm.

I burned all his baseball
cards for nothing.

You burned baseball cards?

See?

This is the least-gay
gay bar ever.

Oh, Lydia, I'm so sorry.

Oh, honey.

- Can I buy you a drink?
- No.

Let me get you one.

I own this place.

Really?
A gay bar?

Initially, nice buns
was a bakery

and then it was a gym
and then it was a gay gym

and now it's a gay bar.

Maybe someday it'll
be a gay bakery.

No, that's down the street.

Pie-curious.

Ugh.

Old people sex talk,
missing toes.

I need something beautiful
to look at.

Where's my Leandro?

Ah, there he is.

Don't fall in love.

Eh, might be too late.

Would you be okay
if I go get my stray?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

I'll just keep scouting.
Ooh!

Possible designer jacket
headed this way.

Hi.
Armani?

No.
Joe.

No, whose jacket
are you wearing?

Mine.

Yeah, keep walking.

Excuse me.

- Is this seat taken?
- Never.

So you're not expecting
a date

or a straight gal pal?

Nope, I'm completely alone.

Delightful.

I can't get over
how smooth your skin is.

Mmm, and I yours.

I know we just met,
but I have to say it.

I'm very attracted to you.

You are?
Really?

But--but aren't you--

Ah, don't be coy,
Victoria Chase.

So charming.
Such presence.

You're gonna win for sure.

Excuse me?

The celebrity
drag queen contest.

I just saw the other contestants
backstage getting ready

and none of the Marilyn monroes
can hold

a candle in the wind to you.

So you think that I'm--

The most beautiful man
I ever seen.

Bottoms up.

All right.

So he thinks you're
a drag queen?

Well, at first
I was insulted,

but then I realized it's
just all this extra makeup.

Look, I'll admit that
it's unconventional,

but we really made
a connection.

And honestly,
if you don't bring up

the fact that you're
not a man

in the first five minutes
of conversation,

it is so hard to swing it
back around.

To review...

You're with a man who thinks
you're a man

pretending to be a woman.

Yes.

I am Victor Victoria Chase.

Honey, I know you don't
like to think

two steps ahead,
but in this case,

just one step might lead you
to question what you're doing.

Well, I don't know.

Every relationship requires
some acting.

And in this case,
some props.

How are you even
pulling this off?

I mean, how are you
explaining your voice?

I told him it
was naturally high

because of my unusually
long neck.

You should see how gently
he touches my Adam's apple.

You don't have
an Adam's apple.

Well, that's what Leandro
loves about it.

That it's not there.

Well, then he's really gonna
love your penis.

Okay, I have a few ideas
about that.

Yeah, uh, please don't share.

Where are the other
drag queens?

Oh, Leandro says they're
backstage prepping.

- Oh.
- Oh, look.

Here are a few now.

I don't know if
I should be supportive,

but I think you're gonna
win this contest.

Matthew and I will vote
for you.

Matthew?

Oh, your lonely boy.

- Yes.
- Oh.

He's perfect.

He's never been
a GBFF before.

I get to train him
to be everything I want.

It's the ultimate
female fantasy.

When you don't have
to use sex as a reward.

It's a shame we lost
so many years.

All our friends had
to pick sides.

How's Esther?

Oh, funny,
pretty Esther?

Uh-huh.

Dead.

You hear from Marty?

Moved to Florida.

Same as dead.

Charles?

Following the dead.

So the dead
are still together?

All except Jerry Garcia.

Dead.

To the dead.

So you have
no opinion whatsoever

about whether
a woman my age

should wear over-the-knee
boots?

You mean like for fishing?

This place sucks.

So, how exactly does this
whole GBFF thing work?

Have you not seen Rupert
Everett in...anything?

We go dancing together,
we go to clubs,

we get to be each other's
plus one at weddings--

unless, of course, one of us
hooks up with a groomsman.

Oh, I never hook up.

I know! We're gonna
have so much fun.

We'll go shopping,
we'll gossip.

I'll tell you what's wrong with
the way you look.

You'll tell me what's wrong
with the way I look.

You can make me look better
than this?

Oh, you weren't joking.

Rome has all the architecture
d the history.

Yes, but London has all that
and the theatre.

But if we're talking most
beautiful,

it would have to be--

Positano.

Wouldn't it be great
if we were on my boat right now,

sailing to Capri?

Yes.

You stretched out
in the sun...

Yes.

In your skin-tight speedo.

Leaving nothing
to the imagination.

Oh, let's not rule out
imagination.

Would you excuse me
for just a moment?

I'm gonna to pop into
the ladies room.

Oh, I admire your commitment
to your character,

but they will never allow a man
into the ladies' room.

I'll take you
to the men's room.

Follow me.

He's taking me
to the men's room.

What should I do?

One word: Stall.

I can't stall.
I've really gotta pee.

Is that a signed photo
of John Glenn?

Oh, yeah, he could never get
enough of the cream puffs...

When this was a bakery.

Hey, that's a picture of you
and my husband

on our camping trip.

I was in that picture.
How come you cut me out?

Uh, you want to see
my toes again?

Remember, no peeking.

Zzzip.

Matthew!
You look fabulous.

Thanks to my GBFF, Joy.

No, you're my GBFF.
Oh, you'll get the hang of it.

I thought tomorrow night,
we could go dancing.

Love it.

There's a lot of great clubs
downtown

or there's this one place
in the flats.

Or...

Is that guy
checking me out?

No, I don't think so.

You were saying.
Great club. Us.

He is totally
checking me out.

Well, then you should play
hard to get.

Don't even look--
and he's gone.

Story of my life.

Always a beard trimmer,
never a beard.

Ooh, how did it go?

Well,
if there were an Emmy

for outstanding performance
in a men's room,

I would have won it.

He still doesn't know?

Well, if he did,
would he have invited me

to go dancing
after the contest tonight?

Dancing.
You're a lucky man.

You expect me to believe
that John Glenn begged you

to cut my picture out so he
could look at it in space?

You were very fetching
back then.

And until
Bill Clinton was president,

there was no porn in space.

Let's get drunk.

Oh, hey. That's
a great picture, isn't it?

Did you know my dad?

- Your dad?
- Mm-hmm.

Mom, are you okay?

I'm fine, I'm fine.
Go get a mop.

The good one from home.

I'll just get one
from the back.

I'll be right back.

What's going on?

This three-toed liar
slept with my husband

and they had a son!

- Wow.
- Oh, my!

Oh, I'm sorry, Elka.

It was just one time, and we
hated ourselves for it.

Not as much as I hate you
right now.

I can't believe Bob had a son
and never told me.

Well, he didn't know. And
Elliot doesn't know either.

And I'm begging you
not to tell him.

What does your son know?

I told him his father died
in a lumberjack accident.

A lumberjack accident?

I was a single mother

and I wanted him to have
a strong male role model,

and the brawny paper towels
were sitting right there.

I'm going to tell him
the truth.

Oh, no,
you'll crush him.

Oh, well, there's a lot
of that going around.

Let us talk to her.

Oh, thank you.

Elka, listen,
I know you're in shock.

It's completely
understandable,

but do you really want to
hurt some innocent guy

just to get revenge
on his mother?

Yes.

I have some experience
with revenge, Elka.

It's never as satisfying
as you hope,

and the police always come
sooner than you expect.

Just think about
what you're doing.

And that
coming from someone

who hates to think about
what's she's doing.

Mom, what is going on
with you?

I'm not gonna leave
till I clean up this mess.

No, this is my mess.
I'll clean it up.

No, I will.

The rest of you can go.

I said go!

What's going on
with my mother?

Oh, well, I can tell you
something about your mother.

You didn't get
those eyes from her.

You look so much
like your father.

- Are you a lefty?
- Yes.

Are you allergic to mustard
but you can't stop eating it?

Oh, yeah.
I swell up at every ball game.

How did you know that?

And when you hear
a military band,

do you get
goosebumps all over?

Yes. Every time.

Your father
would've liked that.

Wait,
she's touching him.

Is that a good thing
or a bad thing?

Stop talking or I'll never be
able to read their lips.

The cumulus toothpaste
is plexi-glass.

You're very good at that.

Thank you.

Wow, that, uh, that
was some camping trip

you guys went on.

You told him about
the camping trip?

Just how great it was to
have a lumberjack with us.

Thank you, Elka.

It sounds like dad
was quite the catch.

It's a good thing Elka

was dating John Glenn
at the time.

Elka dated John Glenn.

Would you stop?
You're the worst at this.

Victoria, the contest
is about to start

in case you need to do
any last minute shaving.

Oh, no need.
Electrolysis.

Ouch. You are a strong man,
Victoria Chase.

I'll see you
in a minute.

Isn't he fabulous?

And he's so attentive
to my theoretical needs.

Did you tell him?

No.

Are you okay?

I'm in shock
and it hurts.

I could use something
to get my mind off it.

Well, Victoria's
about to compete

in a celebrity drag queen
contest as a man

in order to impress a gay man
she's fallen in love with

who doesn't know
she's not a man.

That'll work.

Let's find out
our lucky winner.

Are you ready?
Are you ready?

All right.

Second runner up is
Liza Minnelli.

You did it.

Great job, Liza.

All right, step back.

The moment we've all
been waiting for.

The winner of this year's
celebrity drag pageant is...

Susan Lucci!

Yes!

Noooooo!

It was sweet of you guys
to get these pies for me.

But what about
your extra pound?

Mmm, there are no calories
if you're consoling a friend.

So do you think you're ever
going to see Elliot again?

I'd like to. Eventually.

It was nice looking into
my husband's eyes again.

Oh, it's Leandro...

Apologizing for leaving me
for Susan Lucci.

I just don't get it.

I mean, what does she have
that I don't have?

Oh, yeah. That.

Should we try
the lemon meringue?

No. The guys at pie-curious
were right.

Once you go BlackBerry...

Well, I know these calories
don't count,

but I just need to know.

Aah! I lost a pound.

I turned the scale back.

In Cleveland,
we call that a diet.