Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 15 - Love Thy Neighbor - full transcript

"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

So Ms. Scroggs,
I am happy to say

that comprehensive
baby solutions

finds you qualified
for our assistance.

Oh, good. Because
I really want to have a baby.

But with every year
that passes,

the options
become slimmer and slimmer.

Really? A woman your age
still has plenty of time.

Oh, dear.

I put down my fake age,
didn't I?

Habit.



Add seven.

Then add three
after that.

We have our work
cut out for us, don't we?

Not to worry.

We don't like to brag,
but Midlife Mommy magazine

rated our sperm
the best in Ohio.

We have athletes,
bankers, professors.

I'm gonna show you some of
our most popular donors.

Oh.

He looks very smart.

Oh. If you want education,
you should try 317.

Ooh.

Maybe a little
too much education.

Yes. Everyone says
they want geniuses



until they see one.

Well, we-oh.
He shouldn't be here.

You can't have him.

Well, now I want him.
Who is he?

Only our all-time most
popular donor, number 106.

We've retired him.
Retired him?

Well, we can't have too many
little 106s running around.

It's really too bad, though.
Very high success rate.

Those little guys
can crack through

the hardest,
crustiest old eggs.

And his offspring
have done phenomenally.

One is on American Idol
right now.

- Can I look?
- We'd rather you didn't.

Oh, please?
I've had a tough year.

I was engaged
to a homeless man.

I almost got deported.

I accidentally shot the son
I gave up for adoption.

I still haven't
told you my real age.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Just Rick will be fine.

Howdy.

Oh. Is your neighborhood
watch training already over?

Yes, ma'am. And lakewood's
a pretty safe neighborhood.

But Rick still gave us
these pamphlets to study.

"The signs of drug abuse,
how to talk to gang members,

are there prostitutes
in your neighborhood?"

Oh, there's one right there.

So you're done with
your neighborhood watch?

Yeah. Yeah, and the funniest
thing happened-

Great story.
So...

Does that mean everyone's
knocked off, including Rick?

Yeah. Yeah, he's probably
back at his place-

- Right. I'm off then.
- Where are you going?

Out. I won't be long.
Unless I am.

That's weird.

Joy's been disappearing
a lot lately.

I just had the most
depressing news from my agent.

- What's wrong?
- They're making a musical

of Driving Miss Daisy.

Oh, well,
that's regrettable.

But why are you
so upset?

It's gonna be at
the Cleveland Playhouse.

I wanted to audition
for the lead,

but the director
won't even meet with me.

Honey,
that's a grandmother part.

In a musical
that might go to Broadway.

And beautiful actresses
willing to age up

are always award magnets.

Age up?

Yes. In fact,
the director won't see me

because he said I'd be
unconvincing as an old lady.

What an insult!

Well, you're gonna have to do

better than that, Hoke,
or you'll never win

the great Georgia
chauffeur's race.

I-I don't remember
there being a chauffeur's race

in Driving Miss Daisy.

Yeah, well, they've
taken a few liberties.

It doesn't matter,

'cause your old lady acting
is terrible!

Oh. I suppose
you could do better.

You know what?

I'm gonna go
all Tootsie on their ass.

I am gonna go
to that audition in character

as an old lady,
and I'm gonna get that part.

Maybe Elka could give you
some pointers.

I do love telling people
what they're doing wrong.

I just came over to ask him
if he'd come out of retirement.

But once I saw him,
I realized

I shouldn't have
a baby with him!

And I started crying.

So he put his arm around me
to comfort me,

and that turned into
a massage,

and the massage
felt so amazing...

I forgot about procreation
and went straight to recreation.

And now I can't stop.

And I feel so ashamed!

It's like there's this filth

that just can't be
washed off me.

That filth
is the coconut oil.

Thank you for listening.

I had to tell someone,

and you're the only one
who can know

this ever, ever happened.

Hush, little baby.
Don't say a word.

Papa's gonna rub
your upper third.

Rick, I told you
the whole papa thing

creeps me out,
so please-

Oh... Oh...

How did you get so good at-

Making love?

I wish you wouldn't
use that term.

It sounds cheesy.

Yes. The sweetest cheese
two people can share.

Actually, my swordsmanship
came rather late in life,

although I had a vast
theoretical knowledge of sex

due to extensive reading
and film study.

How come
when you're not touching me,

I find you so irritating?

You're no day at the beach
for me either, sweet cakes.

I prefer
dark Italian women.

Who live with you.

- Melanie?
- She's the kind of girl

you could introduce
to your mother

without having her
yell at you.

Say...You wouldn't mind
dropping a hint to her

about my sexellence...
Would you?

You leave Melanie alone.

I feel bad enough
being addicted

to this mixture
of pleasure and shame.

I wouldn't wish it on her.

Yes. But would you
wish me...

On you?

Yes. But only if you please
just shut up.

Of course, milady.
Your wish is my...

Shut up!

Aah!

Hey, listen to this.

It's from the pamphlet
on drug abuse.

"The symptoms include
evasiveness,

paranoia, euphoria."

I mean, I don't want
to jump to any conclusions,

but doesn't that
describe the way

Joy's been acting lately?

Yes.
Let's lock her up.

No. I know joy.

She can't be on drugs.

Can we still lock her up?

Tea, hard candy,

kleenex.

Good.

Good speed.

Now... feel the lack
of burn.

There. How's that?

Terrible!

You used your standing up grunt
for sitting down.

Oh. Good note.
Okay, how's this?

Uggghhh!

Better.
Better.

You know, I need
to workshop this character.

Do you think I'm ready
to take her out into public?

Pop quiz.

How much did a cup of coffee
cost in 1947?

What, you mean like
a Venti or a Grande?

Have you learned nothing?

Oh, oh, oh!
Right, right, right.

Uh...yeah.

It cost what it should cost,

not what people are charging
other people around here today.

It is a conspiracy.

I saw it on Fox News!

You're ready.

Hello, dear friends.

You're all looking
fantastic tonight.

Euphoria.

I can't hear you
when you whisper.

Joy, where have you been
all day?

Oh, you know.
Here, there, around.

Evasiveness.

Joy, you feeling okay?

Better than okay.

I can't remember
the last time

I felt this relaxed
and tension-free.

I'm gonna make lemonade
for all my favorite people.

You, sweet Melanie,

old lady I haven't met yet...

And Elka.

You adorable
little button of a woman.

Yep, she's on drugs.

You got here fast.

It sounded like...
You needed me.

What's up?

Well...lt's about Joy.

I think something's
gotten into her.

Something, indeed.

I just-I don't want her
to get in trouble.

And I'm probably wrong,
but...

I think she may
be on something.

And since you're
the neighborhood watch captain,

you might know where
she's getting her stuff.

I've a pretty good idea.

Can you show me?

Hmm.

As much as I'd like to-

Oh, please, please.
I heard her on the phone.

She said she wanted it tonight
and she needed it bad.

She's got a powerful monkey
on her back, all right.

You said at the meeting
that there was a spot

where it all goes down.

Can you please take me there?

Okay.
I'll go get the van.

I just need to, uh, I need to
cancel a previous engagement.

Line's busy.
I'll... call back later.

Oh, this place
is too crowded,

too noisy,
and too expensive!

$6.00 for a beer.
Well, I remember

when you could get
a bucket of suds for 4 bits,

dagnabbit!

You're from Lakewood,
not Deadwood.

Good note.

Oh, my God.

Robert Mactavish is at the bar.
He's the director of Daisy.

He's the one who said
I couldn't play old.

Well...I'll show him.

Scoot over, sonny.
Or move over, scooter.

Sorry.
Please, sit down.

Arrruuumm.

Well, there's no need
to be sorry.

But if you want
to make it up to me,

I am a bit parched.

I'm drier than
a revival meeting

during prohibition.

Gladly.
I'm Robert Mactavish.

Oh, well...

I'm Millicent...

Ostrovsky.

84 years young.

I can't see anyone.

A good surveillance
takes time.

We could be in this van...
all night.

Champagne.
What's that for?

Uh... it's part of our cover.

In case anyone asks,
this is a first date.

That's why I, uh, brought you
these lilies.

You mentioned one time
they were your favorite.

Oh, that's so sweet!

And a little odd.

But no champagne.
Thank you.

I don't want to be out of it

in case we have to separate
Joy from her dealer.

You'll need a crowbar.

Perhaps you would
prefer a little grass.

What? No. We're supposed
to shut down drugs

in this neighborhood.

Hey, mellow.

I'm only talking about
wheat grass juice.

Then why didn't you say
wheat grass juice?

Saying grass is quicker.

"Hey, you want a cup of grass?"
"Is that fresh-squeezed grass?"

See? Quicker.

Can we just do our stakeout?

I'm feeling
some negative tension from you.

A proper surveillance demands
a peaceful, easy feeling.

I'm sorry, I'm just...
I'm worried.

Yeah. Close your eyes
for a minute and just...

listen to the music.

Rick, what are you-

- Oh... what are you-
- Doing?

Relaxing you.

You want me to stop?

Um... in a minute.

Oh, wow, Rick,
that feels so good.

You bastard!
You're sleeping with her too?

Oh, my God!
She's high as a kite!

This is your urgent
neighborhood watch business?

And I brought you a hoagie
in case you got hungry!

Ooh! What kind?

- What is going on here?
- That's what I'd like to know.

I was just trying to keep her
from finding out about us.

- With a backrub?
- Wait, wait, wait.

You two are an "us"?

You've had the massage.
Can you blame me?

I don't want to get
ahead of myself,

but I can't help thinking
you'd be a perfect miss Daisy.

Oh, I'm just flattered
that you would ask

an unknown actress like myself
to audition.

But even if things
don't work out with the musical,

I hope we can still
be friends or...

More than friends?

I'm sorry?

I'm drawn to women like you.

Attractive, intelligent,
wise.

Old?

Mature and full of life
experience. Yes.

Until later, then?

Your hand is remarkably
smooth and wrinkle-free.

Hello!
There's an age spot.

What?
I mean...

Oh, well,
that little thing?

Oh, well...

I best get back
to my little sister.

Okay. He's coming by
the house tonight

to audition me for Daisy.

- Congratulations!
- Yeah, but I think

he wants more than
an audition.

Oh!
He's a wrinkle chaser.

What-that's a thing?

Oh, they're
all over the place.

That's why I had to stop
mall walking.

Okay. New plan.

I am gonna nail this audition
and get this part.

But I am not gonna reveal
my real self

until opening night.

In the meantime,

I'm just gonna tease him along
all through rehearsal.

So you're gonna have to
teach me the grunt for sexy.

It's the same
as sitting down.

Uugghaaaahh.

Again, I'm sorry
I thought you were on drugs.

It's not as weird as what
I was really on.

Is he really that good?

Remember those giant muffins
we loved

until we found out they were
like a thousand calories each?

He's that good.
He's muffin good.

No!

Yes!

Well, we're just gonna
have to do for each other

what we did
with the muffins.

Just eat the top?

I'll stop you
from having any more

- and you'll stop me.
- Right.

We've got to be strong.

Shall we go in?

Actually, I think
I'm gonna go for a walk.

- I'm feeling a little tense.
- Right.

Hey, wait a minute!

You're gonna go back to him,
aren't you?

Oh! I can't help it!

I want my love muffin.

Get me inside!

And, hoke, I'm glad
I got to see you win

that chauffeur's race
before I died.

And now I must pass.

I hope there's integration
in heaven...

So that you can drive me
for all of eternity.

Oh! That was wonderful.

Tears!
Come.

Sit down next to me.

Uuggghh.

Oh, dear, I'm sorry.

Was my underwear showing
this whole time?

You are driving me crazy,
miss Daisy!

Oh, you naughty boy, now!

I bet you do that
with all the girls.

So who else auditioned
anyway?

Oh, my God, every once-great
star you can think of

came out of the woodwork.

Have you ever heard
the soap opera actress

Victoria Chase?

Oh. The actress
who won the Emmy?

Gorgeous, talented.

Carried Edge of Tomorrow
for 27 years.

Yes, I believe
I have heard of her.

Well, even she wanted
to try out for this part.

Oh! Well, bless my corn.
She would have been fabulous.

Are you kidding me?

She's a one-note wonder.

The only time that she
was a one-note wonder

was when she was in the
movie One-note Wonder.

Come on.
She's a soap actress.

Uuhh!
I will have you know,

Mr. Mactavish,
that soap opera actresses

work harder than anybody
else in this business.

We-

they... create characters

that people take into their
hearts for decades.

Now, you are nothing but
a theatrical snob,

and I do not care
to be in your play.

But you would be
so perfect with our Hoke.

What am I gonna tell
Tito Jackson?

I want you to get
out of my house.

I will not be your Daisy
or your girlfriend.

But...I-I think
you're amazing

and talented,
and I'm confused.

Why would you care so much
what I think of Victoria Chase?

Because...

I am Victoria Chase,
you idiot!

You know, I've always
been afraid of getting old.

But I don't know,

after walking a mile
in Elka's naturalizers,

I feel a little less scared.

You don't give a damn
what people think

and, you know, it's freeing.

There's something
kind of wonderful

about accepting
the age you are

and not fighting it
all the time.

That does sound nice.

Maybe that's what
I should do.

I keep feeling this pressure
that if I want to get pregnant,

it has to be right away.

But there's other ways
I can have a child in my life.

I think I'm gonna
relax about it...

Maybe go back to trying
to find the right guy.

Well, there's no rush
for that either,

you know, as long as those
wrinkle chasers are around.

I don't know whether to be
happy they exist

or totally grossed out.

Well, if can imagine
anything sexually,

somebody's into it.

Who can really judge?

I had sex with Rick.

I'll tell you
who can judge-I can.

Are you insane?
How could this even happen?

It's a very heart-warming
story.

It turns out he's
the number one sperm donor

at the fertility clinic
I went to.

Hmm. And how do you get
that distinction?

Same way you get
to Carnegie Hall-

Practice, practice,
practice.

Ladies...

Rick, we said 300 feet.

I've only come over
to invite any and all of you

to a homemade pizza dinner.

I will be kneading the dough
myself...

With slow,
steady pressure.

Ooh.

We don't want you!

Or your gifted hands.

I believe the lady
is asking you to leave.

You seem rather tense.

Yes, well,
I've had a tough day.

Perhaps I can be
of assistance.

Oh, don't even try it-

Oh, God!

Oh...Oh...
Oh, oh, oh...don't stop.

Sorry about that.

- Here you go, handsome.
- Thank you, mister.

Ladies.

Yep. They're all over town.