Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 14 - Battle of the Bands - full transcript
The girls try forming a band for a battle of the bands contest.
What can I get you,
ladies?
Hmm, I'm kind of
in the mood for tomato soup.
Um, can I get that cold
with a little stalk of celery,
some worcestershire,
horseradish, and just a hint
of two shots of vodka?
Mm, that does sound good.
I'll have that soup, too.
Maybe a pitcher of soup
for the table?
Oh, this is exciting.
It's a text
from my book agent.
Woman's Day magazine
wants to do a monthly column
based on my book,
200 things every woman
should do before she dies.
- That's fantastic.
- Oh, Mel, that's great.
- That sounds like a sad book.
- You haven't read it?
It takes like 20 minutes.
20 fabulous minutes.
You know, I really,
really pushed hard
to get a shot at this.
Oh, my God, what am I gonna
write about?
I told them I had
a million ideas.
I got nothing.
I'm a fraud.
I'm never gonna
come up with another-
Ooh, hey, this might work.
They're having
a battle of the bands here.
And one thing
I've always wanted to do
before I die
is be in a band.
Really?
It was my dream, too.
You know, I always wanted to
be in a band like the Bangles.
- Or the Go-Go's.
- I wanted to be in Hole.
The Grunge Band Hole?
I live in the rock and roll
capital of the world.
What do you expect me to say,
some lilith fair BS?
You know, I was
the lead singer in a band
when I was a teenager.
I actually thought that's what
I was gonna do with my life.
- Really? I didn't know that.
- Well, this is great.
We'll form a band.
You can be the lead singer, Joy.
And I, of course,
would play the bass,
since I played
a bass-playing angel
in the Lifetime Original Movie
Rock and Roll Heaven.
Was that the one
where you were sent to earth
to teach death-row inmates
about love and harmony?
No, that was
Dead Man Rocking.
Well, I can
play guitar in our band.
I guess I'll have to
break out the ol' skins.
Older than
what you're in right now?
That's a rimshot,
a little taste.
♪ Well, my baby,
he's all right ♪
♪ well, my baby,
he's clean out of sight ♪
♪ don't you know that he's ♪
♪ he's some kind of
wonderful ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
- That was so much fun!
- That so was.
I can't believe
how much I've missed this.
You have a great voice.
I had no idea
you could sing like that.
Well, thank you very much.
It feels
so great to be doing this.
It makes me feel
like a teenager again.
You know, I really think
that we have a shot
of winning this contest.
And even if we don't,
it's an honor
just to be entered.
That's what Joy said
during fleet week.
Okay, okay,
we're sounding better,
but we're still
a little all over the place.
Mel, that progression
in the chorus
goes one, four, one, four.
Oh, and Victoria,
you're playing
the bass line a bit straight.
You need to
lock into the groove more.
Hello, angels.
Oh, hello, Rick.
Oh, Rick, so sorry.
Were we playing too loud?
We were just practicing for
the bar's battle of the bands.
Yes, I couldn't help
but overhear that you suck.
Oh, really? And what
do you know about anything?
I'll tell you what I know,
my little sass factory.
My band, the Garden Weasels,
have won the battle of the bands
three years in a row.
- Is that so?
- Indeed.
Our skills have been honed
to the bleeding edge
of samurai sharpness.
Our rock will wound you.
Wow, you sound really good.
I mean, so far,
the only song we know
is Some Kind of Wonderful.
What about the one
you were just playing now?
Thank you.
Well, you must have been a bit
threatened to come over here
and check out our girl band.
Afraid of girls?
Yes.
Afraid of a girl band?
Never!
I mock your feeble
female attempt to rock hard.
Ha!
You know something?
I don't like your attitude.
Our band is gonna crush
your measly weasels into a pile
of rock 'n' roll rubble.
We are gonna
rock your socks off.
- Yeah, right on.
- What she said.
I'm not wearing socks
right now,
small fungal issue.
But I am a little turned on.
Would any of you care to join me
in the back of my tour bus?
Tour bus?
You drive a Ford Fiesta.
Spanish for "party."
All right,
ladies, it is on.
We are gonna practice
till our fingers blister
and our voices shred.
We have sold
our souls to rock 'n' roll.
Again, from the top.
A-one, a-two,
a-one, two, three, four.
♪ he's some kind
of wonderful ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Yeah, whatever.
Guys, again, from the top,
but this time, Melanie,
don't anticipate
the downbeat of every bar.
You're turning the song
into a runaway train.
- I don't want to-
- Oh, and, Victoria,
background vocals are called
background for a reason.
- You know, I'm not accustomed-
- Oh, and, Elka,
after the breakdown,
careful how you toss
your sticks in the air.
- That time, you almost hit me.
- I'll try harder next time.
- I'm going to bed.
- What? No, wait.
Oh, ladies and ladies,
Elka has left the building.
No, no. Hang on.
Why don't you guys take five?
I'll put on
a giant pot of coffee,
and we'll rehearse for
a few more hours, all right?
All right, rock 'n' roll!
Up your rock 'n' roll.
You know,
I know she's the lead singer,
but does she have to be
so bossy?
I hear those
nice Aerosmith boys
can't stand Steven Tyler.
And those cute Van Halen boys,
they were "Hot for Teacher,"
but they hated Sammy Hagar.
Your takeout order
will be ready in a minute.
Meanwhile, a secret admirer
sent you a drink.
Oh, really? Who is he?
What does he look like?
Hello, Joy.
Alone, I see.
No, I'm waiting
for a secret admirer.
- You're waiting for me.
- No, he just sent me a drink.
- Yes, that was me.
- Can't you understand?
- I don't want it to be you.
- But you mistake my intentions.
I'm not seeking a romantic
liaison, merely a creative one.
There's a new group competing
in this year's
battle of the bands.
They're young,
and they're fun.
Damn that Glee show!
So what does this
have to do with me?
The Weasels
need to kick it up a notch.
We need
a smokin' hot chick singer.
You could be our Fergie.
Well, that's very flattering,
but I already have a band.
But you're so much better
than they are.
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
What makes you say that?
I've been
listening at the window,
monitoring your rehearsals.
- You've been spying on us?
- Since you moved in.
But in this case,
I can admit it.
Joy, I feel
your frustration.
Melanie and Victoria don't want
to work as hard as you do.
Well, I can't say
you're wrong.
Nothing matters
but the music, Joy.
I make the Garden Weasels
work their tails off.
We rehearse seven days a week,
late into the night.
We don't break
for fiddle-faddle.
Well, actually, we do
break for fiddle-faddle.
Have you tried
the toffee flavor? Amazing!
Look, I appreciate the offer,
but I can't abandon my friends.
They don't have
the hunger you have.
The eye of the weasel,
if you will.
Your band is going nowhere.
Nowhere, I tell you!
- Joy, is that you?
- Yeah.
Okay, don't move.
We want to show you
our new outfits.
Simple, graceful,
evocative of the Beatles
in Hamburg.
We look like
an Ellen Degeneres convention.
Guys, the deal
was I would go get lunch,
if you would practice.
We're not gonna
beat the Garden Weasels
by dressing up
like the Blues Brothers.
You know what would beat them?
Lingerie.
I could have a bed jacket
malfunction onstage.
It doesn't matter
what we wear.
The Weasels
are practicing right now,
not deciding what boxer shorts
to preen around in.
They practice seven days a week.
They have real gigs lined up.
And they only break
for fiddle-faddle.
You seem
to know an awful lot
about the Weasels.
Well, I wasn't
gonna say anything,
but Rick asked me
to leave our band and join his.
- What?
- Seriously?
Well, he thinks
I'm really good,
- and he admires my commitment.
- So that sneaky little rat
thinks that he can
divide and conquer,
and by the way,
I have thong that can do that,
in case we want to go
with the lingerie route.
Well, what did you
say to him?
Well, I turned him down,
of course.
Obviously, you can't win
without me.
I'm only mentioning it
so you'll start taking
the contest seriously.
Who says we can't win
without you?
Yeah, you know what?
That's a little cocky.
Well, let's be honest, you
have your Woman's Day column,
and they have
their outfit ideas.
I'm the only one showing
any real passion for the music.
Diva speak for "I'm great
and the rest of you suck."
- No, it isn't.
- Oh, please.
I've been speaking diva
since I tearfully informed
my preschool teacher
that not all the little teapots
are short and stout.
If you're just staying
with us out of guilt, forget it.
Go ahead and be a weasel.
You'll be happier
among your own kind.
I didn't say
I wanted to be a Weasel.
There's no reason
to get snarky.
- No one's getting snarky.
- I was.
Look, if you want out,
we don't want to hold you back.
Or put up with
your patronizing attitude
that is stifling our creativity
and, quite frankly,
taking all of the fun
out of this whole damn thing.
Or, you know,
that nicer thing
that Melanie just said.
Well, if I'm ruining your fun,
maybe I should be a Weasel.
Don't let the door
hit your tail on the way out.
Fine.
May the best band win.
Oh, don't worry, we will.
Hmph! Some diva she is.
She didn't even
slam the door.
Well, who needs her?
Right, who needs her?
Thinking she's all hootie,
and we're just the blowfish.
Well, technically,
she's the lead singer,
so she would be Hootie,
and without her,
we do kind of blow.
We do not. Now come on, we're
gonna be great without her.
You know what?
You're right. You're right.
I may not
have Joy's vibrato,
but I-I think
I can imitate her phrasing.
W-w-wait, wait, wait.
You think you're gonna be
the lead singer?
Well, yeah,
'cause the next-best
singer should step up.
Yes, which is why
I am stepping.
You mean tripping.
Lead singer out,
drummer moves up.
Look, look,
I have slept
with a lot of rock stars.
Unless talent can be
passed along like Hep-C,
who cares?
All I'm saying
is that I have
the most
lead singer experience.
Yeah, what is it
with you and rock stars?
I know. If my private parts
could talk, huh?
Forget talk.
Can they sing?
♪ he's some kind of wonderful ♪
♪ he's some- ♪
♪ he's some kind
of wonderful, he's- ♪
♪ he's some ♪
♪ some ♪
Hmm, still thinking
you can sing lead?
Your belief in yourself,
while touching-
Can we please
stop fighting about this?
Of course. Let me sing,
and we won't fight.
I mean,
it only makes sense.
Why else would we name the band
Victoria and the Chasers?
We didn't name the band that.
Joy's coming.
- Oh, unified front.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, that is
such a great idea.
- Rock 'n' roll.
- Rock 'n' roll.
Hello.
Well, if it isn't
our former bandmate.
Joni Bitchell.
So you off to, uh, join
your fellow weasels?
I'm off
to band practice, yes.
Oh, well, you better hurry,
'cause we heard
that the last weasel to arrive
has to clean the spit valve
- on Rick's saxophone.
- That's ridiculous.
Later!
Aw, look at her run.
Yeah, well,
she knew the risks.
It'll just make
our triumph that much sweeter.
Oh, imagine the look
on her face when she sees me
belting our her vocals.
Yeah, I can't imagine it,
because I'll be singing lead.
- No, I'm singing lead.
- But you stink.
- But you stink much worse.
- We all stink!
But this...
♪ will make us
all sound good ♪
Oh, that's so cool!
That's cool.
♪ this coffee
is delicious ♪
♪ is there
anything better in the morning ♪
♪ orange juice ♪
♪ we've been
doing this for hours ♪
♪ but I can't stop ♪
I wish I had this thing
when I broke up
with my husband.
♪ get out of
my life, you cheating bastard ♪
Oh, watch out,
the enemy approacheth.
♪ tonight,
we will have the last laugh ♪
♪ ha ha ha ha ha ♪
Oh, it's you two
making that terrible noise.
I thought T-Pain and
Stephen Hawking had broken in.
Your boyfriend's here.
Hello, ladies. Joy.
I address you separately,
because during your weaselhood,
I pay you the respect of not
thinking of you as a woman.
Shall we?
Wait, the-the contest
isn't for hours.
We have a pre-gig meal
that builds unit cohesion.
Let's go, bro.
I hope
they remembered my salad.
- You know the weasel rule.
- Salads are for chicks.
- But I am a chick!
- Were you not listening
when I when I just gave you
honorary man status?
Dude, grow a pair.
Well, rock 'n' roll.
Rock 'n' roll.
See you in a bit.
I'll just grab my purse.
Whoo!
Look at their
fresh, happy faces
and young-people hair.
It sickens me. Your, uh,
former friends are next.
There must be some part of you
that's still rooting for them.
- Well, I can't deny-
- Kill that part of yourself.
Better get
a welder's mask,
because we're gonna
melt your faces off.
It's a good thing you're
wearing those funeral suits,
because we're gonna
bury you.
- As if.
- Nuh-unh.
- Uh-huh.
- This is so hot.
And it's against
every instinct in my body
to stop a girl fight that
might result in torn clothes
or a glimpse
of side boobage...
But I have a boom
that must be lowered.
Auto-tuning
is against the rules,
as I've just
reminded the judges.
Boom lowered.
Now what are we gonna do?
Without auto-tune,
we're nothing
but fantastic drumming.
Without those things,
we can never win.
- Maybe we should just quit.
- No, no, we can't.
My entire column
is about doing this.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
please keep in mind
that auto-tuning
is against our rules,
as we put our hands together
for the auto tuners.
So you ratted them out?
These are people I care about.
They're gonna be humiliated.
You are such a heartless-
Winner? Legend?
Rock bad boy?
You don't know
whether to slap my face
or kiss me.
I guess you do know.
- Okay, you sing.
- You sing.
- No, you do it.
- I can't.
- You were right. I stink.
- I stink more.
Somebody better start singing.
♪ I don't need
a whole lot of money ♪
♪ I don't need ♪
♪ a big, fine car ♪
What they need is a singer.
No, that's what you need.
♪ I got everything
that a woman could want ♪
♪ I got more
than I could ask for ♪
♪ well, my baby,
he's all right ♪
♪ well, my baby,
he's clean out of sight ♪
♪ don't you know
that we're ♪
♪ we're some kind
of wonderful ♪
♪ yes, we are ♪
♪ we're some kind
of wonderful ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ we're some kind
of wonderful ♪
♪ yes, we are ♪
♪ we're some kind
of wonderful ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ oh, yeah ♪
Boo!
It looks like something
Stuart little would win.
Well, I'm proud of us
and our tiny trophy.
I mean, coming in third
wasn't so bad.
Nah, those young & fun kids
deserved to win.
They were so vibrant
and energetic,
but I know
bone structure,
and they
will not age well.
At least we finished
ahead of the Weasels.
And we got to see Rick
doing all my Fergie moves
while singing about
his lovely lady lumps.
Oh, Joy, I'm sorry it didn't
turn out the way you'd hoped.
Oh, it's not your fault.
I was trying to get something
back that you can't get back.
The reason I dropped out of
the band when I was a teenager
was because I got pregnant,
and I guess there's a part of me
that's always wondered
what if.
What I'm trying to say is
♪ I'm sorry
that I got so crazy ♪
Well, if you had just
told us that story earlier,
♪ we wouldn't have thought ♪
♪ you were such a bitch ♪
♪ speak for yourself ♪
♪ Good night, everyone ♪
♪ Goodnight, Melanie ♪
♪ Good night, Joy ♪
♪ Good night, Victoria ♪
♪ Good night, Melanie ♪
Good night, ladies.
Oh, good Lord! How did you even
get up that swing?
Oh, no!
Good night.
ladies?
Hmm, I'm kind of
in the mood for tomato soup.
Um, can I get that cold
with a little stalk of celery,
some worcestershire,
horseradish, and just a hint
of two shots of vodka?
Mm, that does sound good.
I'll have that soup, too.
Maybe a pitcher of soup
for the table?
Oh, this is exciting.
It's a text
from my book agent.
Woman's Day magazine
wants to do a monthly column
based on my book,
200 things every woman
should do before she dies.
- That's fantastic.
- Oh, Mel, that's great.
- That sounds like a sad book.
- You haven't read it?
It takes like 20 minutes.
20 fabulous minutes.
You know, I really,
really pushed hard
to get a shot at this.
Oh, my God, what am I gonna
write about?
I told them I had
a million ideas.
I got nothing.
I'm a fraud.
I'm never gonna
come up with another-
Ooh, hey, this might work.
They're having
a battle of the bands here.
And one thing
I've always wanted to do
before I die
is be in a band.
Really?
It was my dream, too.
You know, I always wanted to
be in a band like the Bangles.
- Or the Go-Go's.
- I wanted to be in Hole.
The Grunge Band Hole?
I live in the rock and roll
capital of the world.
What do you expect me to say,
some lilith fair BS?
You know, I was
the lead singer in a band
when I was a teenager.
I actually thought that's what
I was gonna do with my life.
- Really? I didn't know that.
- Well, this is great.
We'll form a band.
You can be the lead singer, Joy.
And I, of course,
would play the bass,
since I played
a bass-playing angel
in the Lifetime Original Movie
Rock and Roll Heaven.
Was that the one
where you were sent to earth
to teach death-row inmates
about love and harmony?
No, that was
Dead Man Rocking.
Well, I can
play guitar in our band.
I guess I'll have to
break out the ol' skins.
Older than
what you're in right now?
That's a rimshot,
a little taste.
♪ Well, my baby,
he's all right ♪
♪ well, my baby,
he's clean out of sight ♪
♪ don't you know that he's ♪
♪ he's some kind of
wonderful ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
- That was so much fun!
- That so was.
I can't believe
how much I've missed this.
You have a great voice.
I had no idea
you could sing like that.
Well, thank you very much.
It feels
so great to be doing this.
It makes me feel
like a teenager again.
You know, I really think
that we have a shot
of winning this contest.
And even if we don't,
it's an honor
just to be entered.
That's what Joy said
during fleet week.
Okay, okay,
we're sounding better,
but we're still
a little all over the place.
Mel, that progression
in the chorus
goes one, four, one, four.
Oh, and Victoria,
you're playing
the bass line a bit straight.
You need to
lock into the groove more.
Hello, angels.
Oh, hello, Rick.
Oh, Rick, so sorry.
Were we playing too loud?
We were just practicing for
the bar's battle of the bands.
Yes, I couldn't help
but overhear that you suck.
Oh, really? And what
do you know about anything?
I'll tell you what I know,
my little sass factory.
My band, the Garden Weasels,
have won the battle of the bands
three years in a row.
- Is that so?
- Indeed.
Our skills have been honed
to the bleeding edge
of samurai sharpness.
Our rock will wound you.
Wow, you sound really good.
I mean, so far,
the only song we know
is Some Kind of Wonderful.
What about the one
you were just playing now?
Thank you.
Well, you must have been a bit
threatened to come over here
and check out our girl band.
Afraid of girls?
Yes.
Afraid of a girl band?
Never!
I mock your feeble
female attempt to rock hard.
Ha!
You know something?
I don't like your attitude.
Our band is gonna crush
your measly weasels into a pile
of rock 'n' roll rubble.
We are gonna
rock your socks off.
- Yeah, right on.
- What she said.
I'm not wearing socks
right now,
small fungal issue.
But I am a little turned on.
Would any of you care to join me
in the back of my tour bus?
Tour bus?
You drive a Ford Fiesta.
Spanish for "party."
All right,
ladies, it is on.
We are gonna practice
till our fingers blister
and our voices shred.
We have sold
our souls to rock 'n' roll.
Again, from the top.
A-one, a-two,
a-one, two, three, four.
♪ he's some kind
of wonderful ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
Yeah, whatever.
Guys, again, from the top,
but this time, Melanie,
don't anticipate
the downbeat of every bar.
You're turning the song
into a runaway train.
- I don't want to-
- Oh, and, Victoria,
background vocals are called
background for a reason.
- You know, I'm not accustomed-
- Oh, and, Elka,
after the breakdown,
careful how you toss
your sticks in the air.
- That time, you almost hit me.
- I'll try harder next time.
- I'm going to bed.
- What? No, wait.
Oh, ladies and ladies,
Elka has left the building.
No, no. Hang on.
Why don't you guys take five?
I'll put on
a giant pot of coffee,
and we'll rehearse for
a few more hours, all right?
All right, rock 'n' roll!
Up your rock 'n' roll.
You know,
I know she's the lead singer,
but does she have to be
so bossy?
I hear those
nice Aerosmith boys
can't stand Steven Tyler.
And those cute Van Halen boys,
they were "Hot for Teacher,"
but they hated Sammy Hagar.
Your takeout order
will be ready in a minute.
Meanwhile, a secret admirer
sent you a drink.
Oh, really? Who is he?
What does he look like?
Hello, Joy.
Alone, I see.
No, I'm waiting
for a secret admirer.
- You're waiting for me.
- No, he just sent me a drink.
- Yes, that was me.
- Can't you understand?
- I don't want it to be you.
- But you mistake my intentions.
I'm not seeking a romantic
liaison, merely a creative one.
There's a new group competing
in this year's
battle of the bands.
They're young,
and they're fun.
Damn that Glee show!
So what does this
have to do with me?
The Weasels
need to kick it up a notch.
We need
a smokin' hot chick singer.
You could be our Fergie.
Well, that's very flattering,
but I already have a band.
But you're so much better
than they are.
Oh, I wouldn't say that.
What makes you say that?
I've been
listening at the window,
monitoring your rehearsals.
- You've been spying on us?
- Since you moved in.
But in this case,
I can admit it.
Joy, I feel
your frustration.
Melanie and Victoria don't want
to work as hard as you do.
Well, I can't say
you're wrong.
Nothing matters
but the music, Joy.
I make the Garden Weasels
work their tails off.
We rehearse seven days a week,
late into the night.
We don't break
for fiddle-faddle.
Well, actually, we do
break for fiddle-faddle.
Have you tried
the toffee flavor? Amazing!
Look, I appreciate the offer,
but I can't abandon my friends.
They don't have
the hunger you have.
The eye of the weasel,
if you will.
Your band is going nowhere.
Nowhere, I tell you!
- Joy, is that you?
- Yeah.
Okay, don't move.
We want to show you
our new outfits.
Simple, graceful,
evocative of the Beatles
in Hamburg.
We look like
an Ellen Degeneres convention.
Guys, the deal
was I would go get lunch,
if you would practice.
We're not gonna
beat the Garden Weasels
by dressing up
like the Blues Brothers.
You know what would beat them?
Lingerie.
I could have a bed jacket
malfunction onstage.
It doesn't matter
what we wear.
The Weasels
are practicing right now,
not deciding what boxer shorts
to preen around in.
They practice seven days a week.
They have real gigs lined up.
And they only break
for fiddle-faddle.
You seem
to know an awful lot
about the Weasels.
Well, I wasn't
gonna say anything,
but Rick asked me
to leave our band and join his.
- What?
- Seriously?
Well, he thinks
I'm really good,
- and he admires my commitment.
- So that sneaky little rat
thinks that he can
divide and conquer,
and by the way,
I have thong that can do that,
in case we want to go
with the lingerie route.
Well, what did you
say to him?
Well, I turned him down,
of course.
Obviously, you can't win
without me.
I'm only mentioning it
so you'll start taking
the contest seriously.
Who says we can't win
without you?
Yeah, you know what?
That's a little cocky.
Well, let's be honest, you
have your Woman's Day column,
and they have
their outfit ideas.
I'm the only one showing
any real passion for the music.
Diva speak for "I'm great
and the rest of you suck."
- No, it isn't.
- Oh, please.
I've been speaking diva
since I tearfully informed
my preschool teacher
that not all the little teapots
are short and stout.
If you're just staying
with us out of guilt, forget it.
Go ahead and be a weasel.
You'll be happier
among your own kind.
I didn't say
I wanted to be a Weasel.
There's no reason
to get snarky.
- No one's getting snarky.
- I was.
Look, if you want out,
we don't want to hold you back.
Or put up with
your patronizing attitude
that is stifling our creativity
and, quite frankly,
taking all of the fun
out of this whole damn thing.
Or, you know,
that nicer thing
that Melanie just said.
Well, if I'm ruining your fun,
maybe I should be a Weasel.
Don't let the door
hit your tail on the way out.
Fine.
May the best band win.
Oh, don't worry, we will.
Hmph! Some diva she is.
She didn't even
slam the door.
Well, who needs her?
Right, who needs her?
Thinking she's all hootie,
and we're just the blowfish.
Well, technically,
she's the lead singer,
so she would be Hootie,
and without her,
we do kind of blow.
We do not. Now come on, we're
gonna be great without her.
You know what?
You're right. You're right.
I may not
have Joy's vibrato,
but I-I think
I can imitate her phrasing.
W-w-wait, wait, wait.
You think you're gonna be
the lead singer?
Well, yeah,
'cause the next-best
singer should step up.
Yes, which is why
I am stepping.
You mean tripping.
Lead singer out,
drummer moves up.
Look, look,
I have slept
with a lot of rock stars.
Unless talent can be
passed along like Hep-C,
who cares?
All I'm saying
is that I have
the most
lead singer experience.
Yeah, what is it
with you and rock stars?
I know. If my private parts
could talk, huh?
Forget talk.
Can they sing?
♪ he's some kind of wonderful ♪
♪ he's some- ♪
♪ he's some kind
of wonderful, he's- ♪
♪ he's some ♪
♪ some ♪
Hmm, still thinking
you can sing lead?
Your belief in yourself,
while touching-
Can we please
stop fighting about this?
Of course. Let me sing,
and we won't fight.
I mean,
it only makes sense.
Why else would we name the band
Victoria and the Chasers?
We didn't name the band that.
Joy's coming.
- Oh, unified front.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, that is
such a great idea.
- Rock 'n' roll.
- Rock 'n' roll.
Hello.
Well, if it isn't
our former bandmate.
Joni Bitchell.
So you off to, uh, join
your fellow weasels?
I'm off
to band practice, yes.
Oh, well, you better hurry,
'cause we heard
that the last weasel to arrive
has to clean the spit valve
- on Rick's saxophone.
- That's ridiculous.
Later!
Aw, look at her run.
Yeah, well,
she knew the risks.
It'll just make
our triumph that much sweeter.
Oh, imagine the look
on her face when she sees me
belting our her vocals.
Yeah, I can't imagine it,
because I'll be singing lead.
- No, I'm singing lead.
- But you stink.
- But you stink much worse.
- We all stink!
But this...
♪ will make us
all sound good ♪
Oh, that's so cool!
That's cool.
♪ this coffee
is delicious ♪
♪ is there
anything better in the morning ♪
♪ orange juice ♪
♪ we've been
doing this for hours ♪
♪ but I can't stop ♪
I wish I had this thing
when I broke up
with my husband.
♪ get out of
my life, you cheating bastard ♪
Oh, watch out,
the enemy approacheth.
♪ tonight,
we will have the last laugh ♪
♪ ha ha ha ha ha ♪
Oh, it's you two
making that terrible noise.
I thought T-Pain and
Stephen Hawking had broken in.
Your boyfriend's here.
Hello, ladies. Joy.
I address you separately,
because during your weaselhood,
I pay you the respect of not
thinking of you as a woman.
Shall we?
Wait, the-the contest
isn't for hours.
We have a pre-gig meal
that builds unit cohesion.
Let's go, bro.
I hope
they remembered my salad.
- You know the weasel rule.
- Salads are for chicks.
- But I am a chick!
- Were you not listening
when I when I just gave you
honorary man status?
Dude, grow a pair.
Well, rock 'n' roll.
Rock 'n' roll.
See you in a bit.
I'll just grab my purse.
Whoo!
Look at their
fresh, happy faces
and young-people hair.
It sickens me. Your, uh,
former friends are next.
There must be some part of you
that's still rooting for them.
- Well, I can't deny-
- Kill that part of yourself.
Better get
a welder's mask,
because we're gonna
melt your faces off.
It's a good thing you're
wearing those funeral suits,
because we're gonna
bury you.
- As if.
- Nuh-unh.
- Uh-huh.
- This is so hot.
And it's against
every instinct in my body
to stop a girl fight that
might result in torn clothes
or a glimpse
of side boobage...
But I have a boom
that must be lowered.
Auto-tuning
is against the rules,
as I've just
reminded the judges.
Boom lowered.
Now what are we gonna do?
Without auto-tune,
we're nothing
but fantastic drumming.
Without those things,
we can never win.
- Maybe we should just quit.
- No, no, we can't.
My entire column
is about doing this.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
please keep in mind
that auto-tuning
is against our rules,
as we put our hands together
for the auto tuners.
So you ratted them out?
These are people I care about.
They're gonna be humiliated.
You are such a heartless-
Winner? Legend?
Rock bad boy?
You don't know
whether to slap my face
or kiss me.
I guess you do know.
- Okay, you sing.
- You sing.
- No, you do it.
- I can't.
- You were right. I stink.
- I stink more.
Somebody better start singing.
♪ I don't need
a whole lot of money ♪
♪ I don't need ♪
♪ a big, fine car ♪
What they need is a singer.
No, that's what you need.
♪ I got everything
that a woman could want ♪
♪ I got more
than I could ask for ♪
♪ well, my baby,
he's all right ♪
♪ well, my baby,
he's clean out of sight ♪
♪ don't you know
that we're ♪
♪ we're some kind
of wonderful ♪
♪ yes, we are ♪
♪ we're some kind
of wonderful ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ we're some kind
of wonderful ♪
♪ yes, we are ♪
♪ we're some kind
of wonderful ♪
♪ yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ oh, yeah ♪
Boo!
It looks like something
Stuart little would win.
Well, I'm proud of us
and our tiny trophy.
I mean, coming in third
wasn't so bad.
Nah, those young & fun kids
deserved to win.
They were so vibrant
and energetic,
but I know
bone structure,
and they
will not age well.
At least we finished
ahead of the Weasels.
And we got to see Rick
doing all my Fergie moves
while singing about
his lovely lady lumps.
Oh, Joy, I'm sorry it didn't
turn out the way you'd hoped.
Oh, it's not your fault.
I was trying to get something
back that you can't get back.
The reason I dropped out of
the band when I was a teenager
was because I got pregnant,
and I guess there's a part of me
that's always wondered
what if.
What I'm trying to say is
♪ I'm sorry
that I got so crazy ♪
Well, if you had just
told us that story earlier,
♪ we wouldn't have thought ♪
♪ you were such a bitch ♪
♪ speak for yourself ♪
♪ Good night, everyone ♪
♪ Goodnight, Melanie ♪
♪ Good night, Joy ♪
♪ Good night, Victoria ♪
♪ Good night, Melanie ♪
Good night, ladies.
Oh, good Lord! How did you even
get up that swing?
Oh, no!
Good night.