Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 13 - Unseparated at Birthdates - full transcript

"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Happy shared
fake-birthday everyone!

Happy birthday.

So what are we geting each other
for our fake birthday this year?

We're getting each other
dates.

Just like we did
last year.

But last year was a disaster.

I still haven't recovered
from my fix-up with Chester.

You know, with the man boobs.

I hear he's married now

and has a baby.



Hmm.
I wonder who's feeding it.

We're getting each other
dates.

And here's who I want.

Jack Huntington?

Wow, he's handsome.

And rich.

I'm steering my boat
in a whole new direction-

hot and loaded.

So it's really over
with Max?

He hooked up
with a younger woman.

Some 80-year-old bimbo.

Apparently,
she fawns all over him.

Why are men such suckers

for women who are dumb
and adoring?



I don't know,
but that's exactly

how I'm gonna be
to get Jack.

So hook me up,
bony-maroni.

You know what, I want
to go another way too.

Can you find me somebody
laid-back?

Maybe with a beard,
long hair.

I've never had that before.

I know just the fella.

Well, if we're picking
what kind of men we want,

I've always had a thing
for Robert De Niro.

I hear he only digs
black chicks.

Well, then, find me a man
who's like De Niro,

but fancies
pasty, white women.

Oh, mix in a bit of Pacino, add
a hint of Seinfeld for laughs.

Ooh, and a dash of
Sean Connery circa 1968.

Done.

Really?
I mean, how on earth-

Buh-buh-buh.

Done.

And as for me, Melanie,
my requirements are simple.

No man boobs.

Nothing abnormally large
or small.

No third anything.

Just your run-of-the-mill,
rich, handsome man.

So how old
are we turning this year?

How about 42?

That sounds good to me.

Oh, I can't pass for 42.

Put me down for 50.

Elka, what have we said
about using the "F" word?

To review,
if any one of us needs help,

we use our fake laugh.

But I'm in bimbo mode.

I'll be fake-laughing all night.

Oh, Jack.

You're so handsome and smart.

I got this.

His assistant said
he was running a little late.

He's flying in
from Cincinnati.

Private plane.

I didn't know
he was that rich.

Maybe I better go dumber.

Oh, Joy, there's your date.

That's him?

The guy in the brown shirt,
brown pants, and brown shoes?

Please tell me
he's not as dull as he looks.

Oh, Kenny, this is Joy.

Hi, Kenny.

Hi, nice to meet you.

Funny thing, I don't usually
go out on a Tuesday night.

Usually Thursdays.

Although today feels
something like a Wednesday.

Probably because Monday
was a holiday.

I'm sorry.
I'm being rude.

What day does it feel like
to you?

Longest day of my life.

Why don't you find us a table,

- and I'll be right there.
- Sure.

You waited until the last
minute again, didn't you?

Waited till the
last minute,yes,

and found the
wrong guy,no.

Now why don't you go over there

and find out what
Brown can do for you.

Oh, Victoria, there's your
date at the end of the bar.

His name is Timothy.

He's a benefactor

at the Museum of Modern Art.

And, check it,
no man cleavage.

Sold.

Oh, here comes your date.

Dr. Doug.

Jesus.

Cute, huh?

No.
He looks like Jesus.

Elka, I can't date Jesus.
That's a sin.

And if it isn't,
it should be.

Relax.
If you don't like him,

it'll be your last supper.

Hey, Elka.

Oh, you must be Melanie.

- I'm Doug.
- Hi.

He's a holistic veterinarian.

Animals come to him crippled
and sick,

and he heals 'em all.

Wow, you sound
like a miracle worker.

Well, I guess
I just have the touch.

Uh, shall we find a table?

Oh, that one over there
looks free.

Sure. Great.
I'll be right there.

Thanks.
Oh. Okay.

Probably doesn't look anything
like Jesus, right?

I'm just freaking out
over nothing.

Oh, dear lord.

Hi, I'm Roy.

You ready to order?

Not just yet.
I'm waiting for my date.

Oh, good,
'cause my feet are killing me.

First night
on the job.

I don't really need the money,

but I just wanted to get out
of the house, try something new.

So what's your story?

I'm turning fake 50 today.

Whoa-ho!

Well, you don't look a day
over fake 45.

So who'd keep a gorgeous
creature like you waiting?

A gorgeous creature
like him.

Oh.

That's what you go for.

Pretty boys.

- Elka?
- Jack?

Sorry I'm late,
darling,

but there was a lot of traffic.

On the road
or in the sky?

Actually both.

Oh, Jack,
you are so smart and handsome.

And you are
so delightful.

We'll have a bottle
of Dom Perignon

and some zucchini sticks.

Oh, you speak
both French and Italian.

And I'm the only one
that realized

they hung the Rothko
upside-down.

Excuse me, would you mind
scooching down a stool?

My date and I would like
to sit together.

No problem.

I'm sorry,
I forgot to introduce you.

Victoria,
this is my brother, Richard.

An upside-down Rothko.

Siamese twins?

No way.
Are you sure?

Oh, I'm sure.

My siamese twins-dar
has never let me down.

Victoria, I had no idea.

I met Timothy at a benefit
at the art museum,

and it was super crowded.

We were packed in like sardines.

I mean, it could have been
a convention of siamese twins

for all I knew.

At least you got a shot
at one of your dates

being interesting.

Maybe my date
could part them.

He's Jesus,
not Moses.

All right, Melanie, I don't
care how crowded it was.

How could you
not have noticed this?

I was a little busy looking
for men without breasts.

It's harder than you think
in Cleveland.

Oh, well, I guess
I better get up.

This guy's a riot.
This guy?

I told him someone just took
the last order of salmon.

Listen to this.

You're out of order,

I'm out of order.

This whole restaurant's
out of order.

Al Pacino.
That's fantastic.

Do you mean it, Moneypenny?

Or are you just blowing smoke
up my kilt?

Now he's James Bond.
This guy.

My God, you're amazing.

How long have you
been doing impressions?

Well, I started
when I was 10 or 11.

No, no, no, I was 10.
See, this is easy,

because I was in fifth grade,

and when you're in kindergarten,

you're five.

And then you add five.

Yeah, that's 10.

And that's when I started

doing impressions

and monster model making.

My best one's Frankenstein.

Hey, Kenny,

what if Robert De Niro liked
to build models of Frankenstein?

Look at me, huh?

I am the Frankenstein monster,
huh?

I have bolts
in my little neck.

I am electric and scary.
Whoa.

Wait, wait, wait.

What if De Niro, Pacino,
and Sean Connery

were all fighting over
who got to marry me?

Let's do this the Chicago way.

No, we're gonna do it my way.

You're gonna marry me, Joy.
Hoo-ah!

Hey, are you gonna marry me?

'Cause I'm the only one here,

so you must be marrying me.

I was born in a small town
in Pennsylvania.

You've probably never heard
of it.

Bethlehem?

Latrobe.

Can I refill your wine?
Yes, please.

Oh, it seems
we're out of wine.

There's plenty more
where that came from.

Of course there is.

It is so exciting
for a girl like I

to be out with someone
in the tire business.

Well, it's exciting for me
to be out

with someone who gets
how exciting it is.

It's exciting
for a waiter like I

to be delivering
your bread.

Ooh, what a big watch.

You must have
very strong wrists.

You know, actually, there's
a story that goes with this.

This is-
it's a Rolex president.

It was a gift
from Jack Kennedy.

Yeah, there was a time
we were known as the two Jacks

at certain watering holes
on the Cape.

I bet all the girls
liked you best.

Well, he did have
the bad back, though.

I know.

So Melanie
really never mentioned

that Richard and I
are conjoined?

You know, she probably did,
and I just forgot.

Well, I watch your show,
Oh, hi! Ohio! All the time.

I love the way you always say
exactly what you're thinking.

Oh, not always.

You know, Richard and I have
a pretty compelling story.

Oh, really,
what is it?

Oh, yes, of course.

I've been divorced twice,

no kids.

Shooting blanks.
It's a sperm thing.

That's too bad.

But you know what I wonder-

how Jerry Seinfeld might feel
about having a low sperm count.

What I want to know is this,

who's actually counting
the sperm?

This is not a good job.

Your mother can't brag
to her friends about it.

"Fellas, have you met my son?

"He counts sperm.

We're very proud."

Now do Robin Williams
without sperm.

Oh, my goodness.

You're not gonna believe-
oh, they're gone.

Help me.
Okay.

Look, I couldn't help
overhearing you two

as I was taking a break
with this nice couple

who obviously belong together,

as opposed to you two,
who I would call a bad fit.

Aren't you our waiter?

I was also
a guidance counselor

for many years.

Son, she's only after you
for your impressions.

How dare you.

Tell him off.
As William Shatner.

As I used to tell my students,

you got to apply to the school
that's gonna let you in.

But she's so pretty.

Oh, she's a doll.

But the girl at the bar
isn't bad either,

and she appears to have
a very loose admissions policy.

Wait, you can't take
my date away from me.

Can you honestly say
you're interested in him?

Yes, I find him charming
and attractive.

- When he's him?
- No.

Oh, fine, go.

Come on.
I'll introduce you to her.

Why must love be so complicated?

Why must our planet be filled
with beautiful women

who exist simply
to break our hearts?

Wait!
Wait, now I want you back!

Well, now I don't even have
a date.

The waiter fixed him up
with someone else.

I wish he'd break up my date
with Jesus.

I'd break up with him myself,

but he'd just show up
three days later.

Do we really want to play
who has the worst date?

Because I am on a date
with conjoined twins.

I'll bet man boobs are looking
pretty good to you right now.

Look, if I can suck it up
with Jesus-

Oh, God,
that just sounds so wrong-

can't you just stick it out
with Timothy?

I am on a date
with conjoined twins.

But he's a really nice guy.

I am on a date
with conjoined twins.

I know.

But still they're human beings.

Are they human beings

or human being?

'Cause I really don't know.

My date's going great.

He thinks I'm an idiot.

I'm going home.

Oh, no, no, wait,
wait, wait, no.

You're dateless,
and I have two dates.

Oh, please, please,
come and sit with me.

You can be the fourth wheel

or the third and a half wheel.

I just-
I really don't know.

Since it looks like we're not
going to be having dinner here,

how about we take a drive
up to my lake house?

I'll have my private chef
whip us up

a little something special.

Everything you say
is so interesting.

Oh, boy,
you guys must be starving.

Never mind.
Just bring us the check, please.

We're going back to my place.

Oh.

Might want
to fix your hair first.

Why, what's wrong?

Let me put it this way.

The 'do's getting
a little bit trumpy.

Elka, if you'll excuse me, I
have to take care of something.

Nobody look.
Nobody look, please.

What are you doing?

You know, I've seen girls
like you playing dumb

to get the boy,
and you know what happens?

You end up pregnant,

and there's no graduation gown
in the world can cover it.

You know,
in some ways,

this isn't any
of your business.

Well, in some way,
it is.

I see a sadness
behind your eyes.

And I know
because I see the same thing

when I look into a mirror.

I lost my wife recently.

That's why I'm out
doing this thing.

What did you lose?

I lost my Max.

Cancer?

Worse.

Florida.

You know, Max and I met
right at this exact spot

a year ago.

I know it hurts,

but jumping to the next guy

isn't gonna make it
any better.

Sometimes you got
to sit with the pain.

So you can never fly
first class?

No, the arm rests only go up
in coach.

Oh, that is so sad.

I love England.

I get to drive there.

Oh, right.

- You're reading Yeats.
- Mm.

"Now that my ladder is gone,

I must lie down
where all ladders start."

"In the foul
rag-and-bone shop of the heart."

Oh.

So on Facebook,
one page or two?

I'm really enjoying
being with you.

And also with you.

I mean, I'm enjoying you too.

Really? Because you seem
a little uncomfortable.

She's completely freaked out

because she thinks
you look like Jesus.

Yeah.
Well, there is that.

I don't know
what that bumbling waiter

was talking about.
My hair is perfect.

Well, like they say
in the rubber business,

let's bounce.

I don't think so.

Why not?

I thought we were having
a great time.

Besides, I have never enjoyed
chatting with a woman more.

Tell you what,

I'll go with you

if you can tell me one thing
you learned about me tonight.

Well...

When...

Exactly.

I'm sorry
if I led you on.

Me too.

Good night, Jack.

Good night, Elka.

It wasn't the hair,
was it?

'Cause if it was,
it would-it would haunt me.

Why do men
like dumb women?

Well, not all men.
I like smart women.

Maybe you and I...

Oh, well,
now you're talking.

Let me just add
a couple of zeros to my tip

and dinner's on me.

Well, when it comes
to French movies,

I go for the pretentiousness
but I stay for the sex.

Hey, there's a Truffaut
double feature at the Art House

around the corner.
Maybe we should go sometime.

Why don't the two of us
sneak out now?

Oh.

Have you ever thought
about separating?

We looked into it.

But it's just too risky
medically.

Is this a deal breaker
for you?

To be honest,
I'm not sure.

Hey, sorry to interrupt.

But our dates are over,

so we were
just gonna head on home.

You know what,
it's getting late,

so maybe we should say
good night as well.

No.
You go ahead.

I'm staying.

Really?

Yes.

I'm so quick
to reject any man

who doesn't fall
into some narrow view

of what I think
is the right guy.

But not this time.

I see goodness and honesty
when I look into your eyes.

Richard, you lying,
cheating rat bastard!

Get your hands
off my husband.

You're married,
and you were hitting on me?

I'm conjoined.
I'm not dead.

So it didn't work out
with that other woman either?

I did not have sexual feelings

for that woman.

How would George Bush feel
about that woman?

Well, I decided she wasn't

right for me,
'cause I'm the Decider.

And these are
the Decider House Rules.

He just picked up.
Do it.

Max, Sean Connery here.

I just wanted you to know
that I'm in bed

with your beautiful and smart
ex-girlfriend Elka.

And together we're laughing
about your clumsy love-making.