Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 12 - How I Met My Mother - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front of a live
studio audience.

Oh, good, Joy, you're here.

Would you mind
helping me for a second?

Sure.
What do you want?

Just raise your hand.

Like you're
the Statue of Liberty.

Perfect.

Attack!

Elka!

What's going on?



She's trying to get dummy
to attack me.

Oh, that's not
his name anymore.

It's Chance.

Elka thought the name dummy
was holding him back.

Why are you training him
to attack people?

For church.

Attendance has been down,

so the pastor came up
with this great idea

to get people in the pews.

Bible stories
told through pets.

Chance is auditioning
for David

in "David and goliath."

If you can't jump,

they're just gonna make you
another sheep in the manger.



Oh, give it up.

You can't even get him to sit.

Yes, I can.

Sit.

Sit.

In the kitchen!
Good boy!

Start measuring him for wool.

Hi, guys.

Yeah, I was just thinking.

Isn't it great
that we're the kind of friends

who can tell each other
anything?

You know, without any judgment
or recriminations.

Just love and...
Forgiveness.

Which one of us
should be nervous right now?

Nobody, nobody.

What's going on?

Well, this is the weirdest
little story.

Uh, but ten years ago,

I was having
a particularly bad day.

You know, the kind of day
that can only be cured

with drinking and fan mail.

And I happened upon
this eloquently-written letter

from a gentleman
in a correctional facility.

Well, he was such
an earnest fan,

I had to write him back.

You wrote to a prisoner?

Well, Gary prefers the term
"incarcerated American."

But of course,
I wasn't reckless enough

to use my own name.

What name did you use?

Well, this is the second
little wrinkle in the story

which, Joy, I think you
are gonna find

particularly funny.

You used my name?

I pretended
you were my assistant.

Why would you do that?

Joy would make
a terrible assistant.

Well, I figured it was safe.

I mean, there wasn't a chance

they were gonna parole this guy

on account of his...
Violent history.

Violent...
What violent history?

Oh, something about
body parts and...Chopping.

Um, I kind of skimmed
over the segments

that weren't about me,
you know.

So this violent criminal

thinks I'm his pen pal?

No, no, no.

His pen lover.

But you broke it off
after he proposed.

And then he got very angry
and, you know,

started saying,
"oh, if I ever get out of here,

I'm gonna
come get you, and..."

So why are we
hearing this story now,

instead of never...
Oh, my God!

He escaped, didn't he?

No, no,
it's nothing like that.

He was just paroled yesterday.

Look, I never, ever thought

that anything
like this would happen.

Joy, I am so, so, so sorry.

We'll deal with us later.

Right now, we have
to figure out what do to

about an ex-con
who chops up bodies

and is coming here to get me.

How are we gonna
recognize him?

I mean, do you know
what he looks like?

Well, I never asked
for a photo.

I didn't want him to think
that Joy was shallow.

Does he know
what I look like?

Well, I might have sent him
that picture of you

from our trip to grand Cayman.

You mean the one
in the white bikini

that showed everything
when it got wet?

You should be flattered.

It was a big hit
with the whole cell block.

Gary was having
a very tough week.

You know, I always thought
my son stole that picture,

so this, actually,
it's quite a relief.

Not... not a relief
right now,

but... but for another time.

Hello?

Yes, Joy's here.

Who's calling?

He hung up.

Oh, my God, it's him!

Even more than usual,

I'm glad I'm not Joy right now.

Victoria!
I thought I heard a noise.

I almost maced you.

That's sunscreen.

Oh, well, I thought
it was my pepper spray.

What did you think that was?

I knew it was
a magnifying mirror.

Do you know anything scarier?

Wait, don't point
that thing at me.

Hey.

What's going on?

Is everybody all right?

Are you hunting wabbits?

It's a Polish pellet gun.

What, does it
shoot backwards?

Are you really
gonna make Polish jokes

when I'm holding a gun?

Look, I have an alarm guy

coming in the morning.

We do not need any guns.

Aah!

Oh, my...

Oh! My... my name is Owen.

I'm looking
for my birth mother.

Which one of you
is Joy Scroggs?

Her.

Elka's calling 911,
and I brought some alcohol.

Oh, right, to sterilize
his wounds?

Yeah.

Thank God it's just
buckshot in the leg.

He doesn't seem
that badly hurt.

Then why did he faint?

All the Scroggs men faint
at the sight of blood.

One rare steak
can ruin a dinner party.

He really is mine.

Yeah, but when he wakes up,

he's gonna think he's mine.

Why did you say I was you?

Obviously, Joy's in shock,

or she would have chosen
the superior actress

for the role.

I panicked.

Since I gave him up
for adoption,

I've dreamed of what
our reunion would be like

a million different ways,

none of which involved me
shooting him.

Please just say
you're me for a little while

until I can figure out
how to explain all this.

The ambulance is on the way.

- How's he doing?
- He's waking up.

I don't know how
to do a British accent.

Just talk like I do.

Oh, this is a bad idea.

'Ello.

'Ow's me ol' son?

Called it.

Joy?

Blimey!

I wish I'd-a
known you were comin'.

I'd-a put on a spot o' tea.

I call elevators "lifts."

What your mom is trying to say

in her reserved English way is,

"gosh darn it,
we're happy you're here."

Then why did you shoot me?

Perhaps I can be

of some assistance.

We were under the impression
that you were an ex-convict.

Terribly sorry.

Who are you?

I'm lady Winchester.

She's me mum.

So you're my grandmother?

No, no, no.
No, I am your step-grandmother.

I am your grandfather's
second wife.

Actually younger than Joy.

Which is quite a scandal,
really.

You really should have
called your mother.

So she could have
prepared for your arrival.

I did call; I just
got nervous and I hung up.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Oh.

Well, no worries.

The important thing is,

you should consider yourself
at 'ome.

Don't drop your H's, darling.

Oh, why can't the English
learn to speak.

You can't tell me
what to say.

- You're not me real mum.
- Don't you be impertinent.

This is ridiculous.
Both of you stop it.

I'm Joy.

I'm your mother.

What?
Wait, you're my mother?

Why did you pretend
that you weren't?

I panicked.

And who shot me?

That was me too.

But it was an accident.

She's right.

Technically,
the couch shot you.

Yeah, maybe we should just
start at the beginning.

You see, I was writing
love notes

to a prisoner, as your mother.

Are you all insane?

Oh, good!
The paramedics are here.

I'll follow you in my car.

And trust me, things here
aren't as crazy as they seem.

I brought
a wee bag of ice

for the wee 'un's leg.

What? They're not
doing that anymore?

I just got off
the phone with Joy.

She's still waiting
to see Owen,

but the doctor says
he's resting comfortably.

That's good.
I have some good news too.

It's against the law
for parolees

to leave the state
they were incarcerated in.

So Gary can't leave
Pennsylvania.

So he's far?
Near?

It's the state to our right.

Stage right?

Oh, I bet that's
the alarm guy.

Joy said he'd be by
around 11:00.

Hi.
Here to see Joy Scroggs.

Oh, you must be
from the alarm company.

Yes.

May I come in?

Well, Joy's not here,
but we live here too.

And I guess we should still
get that alarm system, right?

Yeah, I think so.

Can I get you something
to drink

while you check out the house?

Great, thanks.

Well, I see you staring,

and, yes, I am television's
Victoria Chase.

Hey, don't sell
your film work short.

You were great as the outraged
white congresswoman

in Madea goes to Washington.

Oh.

"Turn that music down!

We're trying to filibuster!"

"Hey, this is
Reggie with the alarm company.

"I'm not gonna make it today,

"so please call to reschedule.

Thanks."

Oh... oh, my God.

And then I would have said,

"oh, it's just an honor
being nominated"

with all these talented women.

I can't tell you how mad I am

that you never got
to make your speech.

If I could kidnap everyone who
was in the audience that night

and make them listen to it,
I would.

That is so sweet.

Victoria.

Can I see you
in the kitchen, please?

I need some help
with the lemonade.

Well, we're kind of in
the middle of something here.

How hard is it
to make lemonade?

No, I mean, really...
How hard is it?

I seriously have no idea.

Psst.

If I am any judge
of character,

that guy is a winner.

That's not the alarm guy.

I think that's Gary...
crazed ex-con Gary.

No, it can't be.

No, he's not allowed
to leave Portland.

Pennsylvania.

Hey, whose creepy van
is parked out front?

That's the convict's.
We gotta run.

Not a good idea.

I'm sorry.

Have you been here
staring at me all night?

Not all night.

I went down
to the maternity ward

and stared at the babies until
security asked me to leave.

Anyway, great news.

You're buckshot free.

So I have the same amount
of buckshot

as I had before I met you.

You'll probably laugh
about that someday.

I mean, if you want.

If things work out.

We could laugh about it
now, if you wish,

or we could just talk...
I've got all day.

About that, um...

You know that I had cold feet
about coming to see you.

And then I started picturing
what this woman might be like.

And what you might
be like, and...

And how we might have
this life-changing,

cosmic connection.

So a couple days ago,
I told myself,

just get on a plane and do it.

What's the worst
that could happen?

This wasn't how I pictured
our first meeting either.

I mean, you're the closest
person in the world to me,

biologically.

But we're complete strangers.

It's just all so overwhelming.

Maybe this was a mistake.

I mean, you're uncomfortable,
I'm uncomfortable.

But that's the exact,
same relationship

I have with my mother!

We can build on this.

Look, you seem like
a really nice woman.

But I think
that we should say we met,

mystery solved,

and get back
to our regular lives.

Or... my regular life

and whatever that was going on
over at your house.

So... this is good-bye.

I think it's for the best.

So where's Joy?

I don't know.
Please don't kill us.

I'm not gonna kill anybody.

What gave you that idea?

Well, the reason
you went to prison.

Body parts.

Auto body parts.

I ran a ring of chop chops.

I wrote that in my first
fan letter to you.

Victoria doesn't read anything
that's not about her.

I really don't.

Look, I've done
a little time myself.

So one con to another,

forget Joy.

Why don't you just
go to a strip club,

like a real parolee?

That's an awesome idea.
I'll give you all my singles.

You can make it rain.

I been waiting for this moment
for too long.

I'm gonna make her sorry
she ruined my life.

She didn't ruin your life.

I did.

I'm the one who
wrote all those letters.

I just used
her name and picture,

because I'm a celebrity,

and celebrities... can't be
associated with prisoners,

unless they're
researching a role.

And I never get those parts.

Too glamorous.

You wrote all the letters?

Yes, you see, I'm the one
you're madly in love with.

No, you're not.

I fell in love with Joy,
the girl from the picture.

You're not even my type.

Well, wait a minute!

We're the same type...

gorgeous, willowy brunettes.

And I wrote
all those beautiful letters.

Uh, you're not trying
to win him over.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it'll be all right.

You'll find someone new.

The strip club
is open till 4:00.

What's going on here?

Oh, Joy, this is Gary.

Oh, my God, it's you!

But it's not you.

This is the Gary

that we were afraid
was gonna kill me?

Is he crying?

Like Brett Favre

retiring for the tenth time.

All these years,
I've been imagining

how I was finally gonna
meet you and win you back.

Or, you know, make you pay.

This is not how
I pictured it at all.

Why does everything
have to be the way

people bloody picture it?

Life doesn't work that way!

Boy, you got a temper on you.

You dodged a bullet.

I've got to get back
to the hospital.

Gary, you should
probably go too.

Your parole officer's
probably worried sick.

You're right.
No reason to stay here.

Wait, Gary...

Uh...I can't help
but feel responsible

for what's happened here today.

So any time you're
feeling lonely,

please feel free
to call this number.

Susan Lucci?

Tell her I said hi.

So maybe this wasn't what
either one of us expected.

How could it be?

This awkward and painful
and messy,

and no one pictures messy.

But sometimes, if you're willing
to work through the messy,

you end up getting
to something good.

That was it.
The whole speech.

Maybe I said it too fast.

The, "hi, Owen,
we have to talk" was implied.

Okay.

Okay is promising.

All right.

Let's get messy.

Um... who's my dad?

A charming, lying,
handsome rat

who no girl could resist.

My turn.

Are you married?

Divorced.

- Already?
- Big mess.

Sorry.

Kids?

You're not a grandmother.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, I mean, someday
when I'm ready.

I mean, when you're ready.

Is there any baldness
in the family?

No. Not among the men.

So good for you, bad for me.

What do you do?

I teach gun safety.

I'm... I'm... I'm kidding.

I'm an actuary.

Oh, wow, an actuary.

I have no idea what that is.

It's an insurance thing.

Uh, how 'bout you?

Oh, I convince celebrities

that they're plucking
their eyebrows all wrong,

and they pay me a fortune
to do it right.

- Well, how are my brows?
- Oh, they're fine.

You're grooming them all wrong.

- Really?
- No. See how easy it is?

Okay. Here comes the...
the big one.

Um...

Why did you give me up?

Well...

For this moment...

That someday, I would
meet you again.

And you would be
well-raised and healthy

and happy.

And you might be my friend.

I'd like that.

Also, that you might
take care of me in my old age.

We'll see.

Well, I, for one,
truly enjoyed

Bible stories
told through pets.

Although I was a little confused
about Noah's ark.

I mean, Noah was a dog,
but he had dogs.

Oh, wait a minute.

Mickey Mouse
had Pluto as a pet,

but Goofy as a friend.

So, yeah, makes sense.

Why did every bird
in that bloody show

pick me to crap on?

I don't think
we should question

the wisdom of the animals.

Well, I am just so proud
of chance, our little star.

Oh, stop trying
to make me feel better.

Oh, come on.
He stole the show.

He stole the baby Jesus.

Come on, let's go inside
and turn some water into wine.

Hey, this is the first time
we're coming home

to our new alarm system.

Front door open.

Hurry, you have 20 seconds
to put in the code.

I forgot what we agreed on.

Was it one of
my kids' birthdays?

Uh, no, I think it was
the year I was born.

Can't be... the code
has to be four numbers.

Ten seconds to alarm.

Oh, oh, maybe
it's my goal weight!

But is it my dream goal weight
or my realistic goal weight?

Your goal weight
has four numbers in it?

There's a decimal point
involved.

I remember!
It was the year I was born.

Code declined.

You lied about your age
to the alarm?

Well, I felt
it was judging me.

All right, take 10 years off.

No, 12.

I was feeling
very vulnerable that day.

Thank you, miss Chase.

You look gorgeous.

It costs a little extra,

but it makes me
feel more secure.