Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 11 - Where's Elka? - full transcript

Last Season on
"Hot in Cleveland"...

Let's just be positive.

How?

They caught me red-handed
with stolen mafia loot.

You're seriously going
to go into a broom closet

with a juror?

Isn't that jury tampering?

It is if you're
doing it right.

We the jury
find the defendant,

Elka Ostrovsky...

Watch me act surprised.



Guilty.

Elka's gone.

Where did she go?

I don't know, but she's gone
and she left a note.

Where we're going,

I'm completely cut off
from the outside world?

Indeed.

Works for me.

Okay, I have
Elka's computer.

Should give us a clue
to where she is.

Give it to me.

Where should we look first?

She if she's
looked up any maps

or made hotel reservations



or maybe printed out
any airline tickets.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, no. What is it?

Listen to this.

"Victoria Chase is
the thinking man's sex symbol."

Well, that's just great.

I'm sexy if you really
put your mind to it.

You googled yourself?

It's my morning ritual.

You know,
if I can relax

about how I'm currently
being perceived by the public,

then I am much better able
to focus on...

Finding Elka?

Yes, that, yes.

- I don't believe it.
- Oh, what?

There's still no explanation
from the governor's office

on the issue
of the "mystery hooker."

You googled yourself too?

Well, she did it first.

And there's all
these snarky comments

about my giant hands.

Stupid picture!

My hands are not huge.

Stop doing that.

Okay, fine.

We have bigger problems
than Joy's hands,

although that hardly
seems possible.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

We have one day to find her

and bring her back
in time for her sentencing.

You're right.

If the cops pick her up
as a fugitive,

they'll go much harder
on her.

All right, why don't you
check her recent searches?

Yeah, good idea.

Okay, uh, Mountie.

Mountie shirtless.

Mountie shirtless
playing volleyball.

Well, we're learning
how her mind works.

How to bedazzle
a maple leaf.

Ladies, I think
we're going to Canada.

What are you doing now?

Oh, I'm googling what
they think of me in Canada.

Ah, oh.

Eternally youthful.

Oh, we are so
going to Canada.

Well, folks,
we're talking about

what everyone's talking about,

the governor's mystery hooker.

And this just in, breaking news
from an anonymous source,

that she-
if it is a she-

is a foreigner facing
deportation by the I.N.S.

What?

How would they
even know that?

They certainly didn't
hear it from me.

Well, the media
has its ways.

You really have
to suspect everyone.

You're my friend.

Yes, and as your friend,

I am horrified
by my actions.

But as a newswoman,

I have to keep
this story juicy

so that when I break
the exclusive,

it'll be a huge
career advancer.

Pull over.

Don't hit me,
not with those hands.

I'm not gonna hit you.
Look.

Isn't that Elka's car
over there

next to those...
Horse and buggies?

What is this,
an old-timey gay bar?

Wow, what's with
the costumes?

And the chin slinkies?

We're from America.

Lower thy voice, woman.

We are neither foreign
nor deaf.

We are Amish.

Oh, we're in Ohio's
Amish country.

Yes, I've read about this.

Did you know that Ohio
has more Amish

than Pennsylvania?

The men with the facial hair,
they're married, right?

The beards are designed to
tell single women to stay away.

They're working.

Are thee what the outsiders

might call supermodels?

- Yes.
- No.

Actually, we're just
regular models.

Look, we're looking
for our friend Elka.

We saw her car
parked out front.

Do you know where she is?

No, but I've just
begun my shift.

Thee should get word to Yoder.
He knows all.

Okay, great.

Well, do you have his number?

'Cause we really
need to find her.

Sorry, no telephones
in Amish country.

But he shall be here anon.

Oh, I guess we can wait
for him here, right?

- Okay.
- Suppose so.

Might I get thee something
for thy thirst?

The sexy mule,
the married beard,

or hot cider.

Hot cider sounds okay.

- Yes.
- We'll take three.

Oh, my.

Wow.

And I thought we got a lot
of male attention in Cleveland.

To them,
I'm a sex symbol, period.

The thinking begins and ends
with, "I wanna do her."

No charge.

They will be fighting
to pay for it.

There's not a man
in this bar

who would not give thee
his milkiest goat.

I'm trying to decide
whether I want that

to be a euphemism.

I warn thee,

tis not commonly
a drink for ladies.

Thank you,
my good fellow,

but I think we can hold
our apple cider.

Evening, everybody.

Yoder!

What would you say
to a sexy mule?

Not tonight, dear.
I've got a headache.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

I'll take two, please,
to go.

Ah.

And here they go.

- Night, Abner.
- Night, Yoder.

Yoder?

Wait.

You're the Yoder
that we need to talk to.

Don't just stand there, Joy,
come on.

What the-

Where am I?

Hey, people are trying
to sleep here.

Elka?

Good morrow to thee,
stranger.

How did you know
I was here?

We saw your car
parked outside the bar.

We thought you were
going to Canada.

I was,
but my car broke down

and I decided
to hide out here.

But your sentencing
is tomorrow.

I'm not going back
to the slammer.

I'm outta here.

Wait, wait, wait.

You can't leave me here
with these people.

Do I dream?

Thou has the face
of a goddess.

Well, I suppose I could
stay for a little while.

Look at your hair.

My hair?

Look at your face.

Oh, my God!

How did I get this beard?

Why am I wearing
these clothes?

Together
thee and thy friends

performed the movie
Witness for us.

Where's Victoria?

The one who speaks
without cease

about something
called an Emmy?

Yep, that'd be her
all right.

She left with Yoder.

I will give thee directions
to his farm.

Joy, the beard
won't come off.

Well, look on
the bright side.

At least it means
you're married.

Don't worry, Yoder will
get word to thy friends.

Oh, I'm sure he will.

And to be honest, I'm kind
of enjoying myself here.

Your whole "no mirror" thing
really frees up the day.

I'm not sure
that I can do this.

I've never actually
sewn on a button before.

That's Amish sign language.

They are too shy to speak
in thy presence.

Really?
What are they saying?

They say thou art
so beautiful to look at

and say such
amusing things.

Oh, well,

thouest are welcome...est.

Here, let me show thee.

What?

Thy hands are as soft

as a sheep's udder.

And thy lashes
as long as a cow's.

I think I'm getting
why there are

no great Amish poets.

It's just mascara.
You can buy it anywhere.

It's called "Lots of lashes."

- Lots of lashes?
- Yes.

That's our punishment
for wearing mascara.

Except when we're
on Rumspringa.

Rumspringa?

It means
"running around."

When we are teenagers,
we go out

and experience some
of the outside world.

That way when we return
to our Amish ways,

there is surety in knowing

this is what one's heart
truly desires.

Well, that's a very
enlightened idea.

They like thee.

Really?

And you truly don't know
who I am?

You've never seen
Edge of Tomorrow

or any of my
Lifetime original movies?

It's basic cable.

What part of "no TV"
dost thou not understand?

I'm just surprised.

So you like me just for me?

You have a beautiful soul.

We are blessed with the ability
to see such things.

I am so touched.

Wow, look at me,
living among the Amish.

It seems like something
Madonna would do.

Who?

You don't even know
who Madonna is?

No, but she sounds
suspiciously catholic.

This is ridiculous.

We've been driving
around for hours,

and now we're in
a buggy traffic jam.

Move your ass!

Joy!

Well, I could say
"move your donkey,"

but it's not as satisfying.

Still no reception?

Nope, no telephone reception
in Amish country.

But I have to get in contact
with the governor's office.

Would you relax?

On the radio they said they
still don't know who you are.

And thanks to your hands,

most people don't even
think you're a woman.

At the moment,
are you really in a position

to call someone else mannish?

Oh, yeah.

I don't have food in it, do I?

I don't wanna be
one of those guys.

We're lost.

Let's ask that old Amish
woman for directions.

Excuse me.

Elka!

Elka?

Thee are mistaken,

hookers.

Well, this is better
than the shake weight.

Oh, it's this, uh-

Well, I don't really
know what it is,

but of course
I ordered it.

Always on the eternal quest

to be thinner,
tighter, younger.

You see, once you're
a certain age,

casting directors don't
give you audition scenes.

They give you names
of plastic surgeons.

Don't these
casting directors

recognize what God made?

Trust me, in Hollywood,

God doesn't even
recognize what he made.

Um, it's a little
chilly in here.

Don't you ever think,
you know,

a little electricity
wouldn't kill us?

Reliance on public power
ties us to the world.

Yeah, but don't you ever
want something more?

Doesn't thee ever tire

of always wanting
something more?

Yes.

Yes, I do.

Boy, living here
must be very freeing.

Oh, indeed.

Thee would truly
find peace here.

Oh, that sounds nice.

It is time to taste.

Oh.

Oh, my lord.

Is that what butter
tastes like?

That is fantastic,
and I made it.

Your first churn.

Oh.

Oh, and look, a callous.

I am so excited.

Soon thine hands
will be covered in these.

A little less excited.

Victoria,
are you in there?

Oh, it's my friends.

Oh, hi, guys.

Oh, good, you caught Elka.

Let me introduce you.

Of course you know
Elka already.

And thee must be Joy.

How did you know?

Elka told me
thee put forth thy legs

like the midday meal.

Except that men
actually get excited

about the midday meal.

- And this is-
- Hi.

- Mel?
- A man is here.

Quick, take off his boots.

Fetch him a plate and
a warm cloth for his brow.

No, no, I'm not a man,
I'm not a man.

Although you're kinda
making me wish I was.

No, it's very nice
to meet you,

but, Victoria, we have got
to get back to Cleveland.

And I've got
to get to Canada.

We promised
we'd take her to Canada

if she helped us find you.

So come on,
let's get a move on.

No.

I'm not going with you.

What?

I have embraced
the simple way.

No more running around
looking for what I need.

Now I will stay in the home,

and what I need
will come to me.

You said that exact speech
when you joined Netflix.

I like it here.

And they like me,

and they don't even
know who I am.

That might change
when they do.

I want to learn to be
at peace with myself.

Colossians 3:15.

"Let the peace of God
rule in your heart."

It's an excellent passage.

You read the whole Bible?

There's no TV.

Did you have to rip
my beard off like that?

You tricked me.

We had to.

I know we said
we'd take you to Canada.

But we also knew
you'd fall asleep

if we put on NPR.

Frickin' Garrison Keillor.

Welcome home, ladies.

- Mrs. Shaw.
- Who's she?

The governor's wife.

How did you get in here?

There was a spare key
in the obviously fake rock

on your porch.

You should be more careful.

This is home security month.

My brainchild.

Didn't you see
the ethnically balanced thugs

on the billboards?

Why haven't
you released a statement

clarifying that I'm not
your husband's mistress?

I was just shaping
his eyebrows.

We were waiting
for the polls to come in.

If the governor
admits to infidelity,

his poll numbers
will go down 5%.

But if he admits to getting
his eyebrows groomed,

they go down 20%.

This is Ohio.

We want our men
to be ungroomed

and our vegetables
to be meat.

And what
am I supposed to do?

Just keep your mouth shut.

And in exchange
I will use my influence

to get you a green card.

Joy, that's fantastic.

I get to stay in America.

That's another reason
to go to Canada.

Elka, come on.

I know you're happy
Joy is staying.

What's it to me?
I'll be in jail.

No, you won't.

Look, forget the green card.

The favor I want from you

is to get the governor
to pardon Elka.

I don't want her old bones
rattling around in jail

making me feel guilty.

No, no.

Help Joy.

I don't want her skinny butt
shipped off to England

making me feel guilty.

You shouldn't be in prison.

You're, like,
a million years old.

You have two people
who can stand you.

You won't find that
anywhere else.

I am trying to help you,

you stubborn old
frost-top.

And I'm trying to help you,

you half-naked tea bag.

I could do both.

Oh!

Deal.

Yay!

Now, if you'll excuse me,
ladies,

I need to go home
and tell my husband

he's been cheating
and bravely stand by him.

I have disgraced
my gorgeous wife

with a woman who's
not fit to mention

in the same sentence,

a woman who meant
nothing to me,

a woman of low
moral character.

All right,
we get it.

Oh, who cares?

I get my green card,

and you don't
go to prison.

- To us.
- To us.

All right,
I'll say it.

It doesn't feel like
a celebration

without Victoria.

No, it doesn't.

Ah.

Oh, thank God.

Champagne and
electricity and heat.

And somebody
just run the blender.

I don't even care
if there's anything in it.

I thought you wanted
to be Amish.

Well, it turns out
I was just Amish-ish.

It was all very fulfilling
and enlightening,

but after working
all day long

they started talking
about tomorrow.

And there was this whole
laundry list of chores,

and one of them was laundry.

Well, we're glad
you're home.

Oh, and I am so happy
to be home.

And you know what,

I think I'm even happier
because I experienced

their way of life.

Oh, my gosh.

That was my Rumspringa.

Your what?

Uh, it's a journey
of discovery.

And I learned
that a life of excess

and self-involvement
is where my true heart lieth.

Oh, dear.

He followed me.

- Who?
- It's my husband.

What?

Yoder.

Well, my husband-to-be.

He won me fair and square
in a corn shucking.

Victoria,
I have found thee.

Ladies.

Hello, Yoder.

I'm sorry that I left
with such haste,

but you see, I cannot-

Please, I've traveled
many miles.

Hear me out.

I long to build
a life with thee,

a life full of kindness
and devotion,

and all that can be provided

by a true heart
and two strong hands.

Oh, my goodness,
that is so sweet but-

She's not a virgin.

Good day.

What about thee?

Oh, two kids.

And thee?

Thou has to asketh?

Thee?

Uh, I'm, uh...

Let's discuss it
over dinner.

Hey, it's a date.

Don't waiteth up.