Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 10 - Law & Elka - full transcript

Previously on
"Hot in Cleveland"...

What the hell
is all this stuff?

You had to date
a cop, didn't you?

I'm in frickin' jail!

Elka, I'm gonna be blunt.

The State has a very
solid case against you.

So you want me to
pretend to be senile?

This is a hearing to
determine if the defendant

is competent to stand trial.

For the defense, we have

the very capable Kirk Stark.



Good afternoon, Counselor.
Good afternoon, Judge.

It is now.

If I get an all-female jury,
I've got it made.

In a Situation Comedy
there are two separate,

but equally
important stories.

The "A" story, which is about

the comic adventures
of characters.

And the "B" story, which is the
same thing, but shorter.

These are
those stories.

Elka, how you doing?
You nervous?

I'm too screwed
to be nervous.

Oh, now, come on.

Let's just be positive.

How?



They caught me red-handed
with stolen mafia loot.

True.

But your lawyer is
irresistible to women,

and we have six female jurors.

Okay, people.

We continue with
case number 10421.

The People vs.
Elka Ostrovsky.

And we know Judge Lesser
has the hots for your lawyer.

Everybody have
a good weekend?

Kirk?

Oh, no.

What did you do to
that beautiful face?

I told him, softball
is an ugly man's sport.

- I was expecting a bunt.
- What's wrong with you?

Nobody bunts in softball.

- This happened yesterday?
- That's right.

I thought you said you were
going to your mother's house.

I mean, as so
many men do...

After church...

On Sundays.

May I see you in Chambers?

Cynthia?

It's "Your Honor".

And no, you may not.

I'm gonna need a minute
to process all this.

So sit your lying,
hideous face down!

- It's all over.
- No, maybe not.

Check out juror number eight.

Oh, sure.
The nerd.

Haven't you seen him
looking at you?

I have had the feeling
that someone was

mentally undressing me.

But for me that's not unusual.

Well, trust me.
It's him.

So all you have to do is flirt,

and maybe he'll
feel sorry for you

and vote to acquit.

It works with
speeding tickets.

Really?

You know, I've never
been pulled over.

Because girls like you
don't speed, dear.

But girls like me don't
know anything else.

Well, all you have to do
is turn one juror.

Done, and done.

Butterscotch,
do your stuff.

All right.

I've moved on.

But I am in no mood to play,

so nobody better
waste my time.

The case of
People vs. Elka Ostrovsky

is now in session.

There.

What do you think?

You are amazing.

I know you're talking
to your reflection.

But I'll take the compliment.

Now, where are
my smart glasses?

- The ones without the lenses?
- Yes.

Getting an interview
with the Governor's wife

was quite a coup for me.

And I want to look like
a serious journalist.

Well, I don't think she's
gonna be that challenging.

She seems a little
blonde to me.

Yeah, I see what you mean.

Highlights on,
but nobody's home.

I'm gonna see if I can
get any news about Elka's trial.

Hmm.

Ah, Victoria Chase.

- Heather Shaw.
- Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

I'm a big fan
of your husband's.

And you make such
a handsome couple.

Okay, look Vicky.

We can do this two ways.

We can keep up
the goo-ga-ga,

and coast like merry idiots,

or we can grow a pair
and admit it.

We're both in this
to manipulate

the poor saps
we call, "the people."

Go on.

America might not know

about the First Family
of Ohio now.

But if I got anything
to do with it, they will.

Wow.

You just wanna be famous.

Dear God, I finally
understand politics.

Well, we've got
a long ways to go.

Right now, we're completely
unknown outside Ohio.

Even right next door to that

bleeding abscess
people call Indiana.

But while Charles
is only Governor now...

Who knows where
he could end up.

If you play his cards right.

I mean, look at Sarah Palin.

Now that woman
knows marketing.

Fat chance getting my nitwit
of a teenage daughter on.

Dancing with the Stars.

Well, maybe if
she gets pregnant.

Mm, knock wood.

You know, I am not without
ambition in my field, either.

Just yesterday,
someone told me

that I had the legs
for Fox News.

Well that's one of
the highest compliments

you can get in journalism.

Thank you.

So let's use each other
to get to the top.

In Hollywood,
we call that friendship.

So we are campaigning
against illiteracy, right?

Or childhood obesity.

I'm waiting to see
which one polls better.

In fact, I'm waiting for
the numbers to get in.

Let me see what's going on.

What's going on?

I just got a bunch
of texts from Mel.

"Elka's about to
take the stand."

"I'm not supposed
to text in court."

"Here comes the bailiff,
he's taking my cell ph..."

That's the end of
the transmission.

Oh, damn.

Well, this story better be good

if it's making us
miss all of that.

The poll is in.

It's childhood obesity
over illiteracy.

They probably couldn't
read the poll question.

Tell the dumb kid to go home
and send in the fatty.

Hey, I know you.

You're Joy Scroggs,
the eyebrow queen.

You did Oprah's arch.

I'm not at liberty to say,
but trust me,

if I were at liberty to say,

my answer would
certainly not be,

"I'm not at
liberty to say."

I like the way you evade.
It's nice, it's sexy.

Would you be willing
to do my husband's brows?

Or should I say brow?

- Oh, tragedy.
- Mm-Hmm.

Walking hair ball.

- Well, it's very manly.
- Mm-Hmm.

Oh, let's not sugarcoat it.

We're not getting
within 50 miles of D.C.

With these dandruff-catchers
on his forehead.

So if you'd be willing
to trim back these hedges

you can name your price.

Well, actually,
instead of money

I could use some help.

You see, I'm having some
green card problems

and your influence...

Hey, buddy,
look at you!

You call this obese?

This is husky at best.

Now you go find me a
fatter kid or a smaller shirt.

Now.

Have you seen the buffet table?

Please state your name.

Elka Ostrovsky.

I'm single.

Very single.

A capricorn.

And I love nights
curled up with a book,

and a special someone.

Actually, it was my
late husband's wishes

that the stolen
items remain hidden.

I'm powerless in the
presence of a real man.

I used to be, too.

Mrs. Ostrovsky,
you continued to honor

your late husband's wishes
after his passing?

Oh, yes.

Those were not easy years.

So, so alone.

So in need of comfort.

Juror number eight,
are you okay?

You seem to be breathing heavy.

It's creepy and distracting.

Doing fine, your honor.

Just fine.

And the witness may continue...

As long as she likes.

Wow, it sounds like the

prosecution has
a pretty strong case.

Whatever.

- You don't seem very upset.
- Right?

I mean, the case goes
to the jury tomorrow.

She keeps saying she's
got an ace up her sleeve.

Not an ace.

A letter.

From juror number eight.

"Meet me in the
second floor broom closet

"tomorrow before court."

"I'll have my driver
drop me off a little early."

Your driver?

He sounds rich.

On the other hand,
how rich could he be

if he couldn't
get off jury duty?

You're seriously going to go

into a broom closet
with a juror?

Isn't that jury tampering?

It is if you're
doing it right.

Elka!

What?

Flirting with the guy
was your idea.

Yeah, but I meant
just flirting.

And you could
get into trouble.

I say avoid the jury tampering

and just pray for
a light sentence.

I don't need prayer.

I've got my broom closet.

Broom closet?

Both of you standing?

I object.
Morally and logistically.

How far are
you willing to go?

Oh, pretty far.
I'm desperate.

Also, it's been a while.

Justice has been serviced.

I wonder how long
the jury will deliberate.

Doesn't matter to me.

Did you...

I met with a certain juror on
a subject of mutual interest.

All right, I have
important breaking news

and it's not even about me.

Have you heard
something about the trial?

It's about Joy.

You're the Governor's hooker.
What?

Well, there's a
picture of you on his lap,

it's the lead story on
Channel Seven's website.

"Gov in photo scandal
with mystery straddler?"

Well, I had to sit
on top of him for leverage.

I practically needed a
chain saw to thin those brows,

I had to use a
number seven tweezers.

If you were in the business,
you'd know how extreme that was.

God, this is terrible.
What am I gonna do?

No, it's okay.
It's okay.

You can't see your face.

Oh, it's her all right.
Look at the hand.

Oh, yeah.

- What about my hand?
- It looks like a man hand.

No, it doesn't.

It's just the
angle of the picture.

My hand is foreshortened.

Does that mean it
looks like a dude's?

Come on.
Look at her legs.

That's obviously
not a man's leg.

Yes, those belong to
a beautiful, sexy woman.

Thank you.

Who will reveal her steamy
affair with the Governor

on my show,
"Oh, hi, Ohio."

But you know I'm
just plucking his eye brows.

Well, that's not
what it looks like.

Oh, please say that
you're his hooker.

No, then I'll never
get my green card.

I'll go on your show
and tell the truth.

The truth?

Well, my viewers
deserve better than that.

Hasn't the Governor's
office said anything yet?

No, not a word.

So I could own this story
if you'd just play ball.

Like a dude.

No, and that's final.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the jury has reached a verdict.

What did I say
about looking at me?

That messed up face
is freaking me out.

We the jury find
the defendant, Elka Ostrovsky...

Watch me act surprised.

Guilty.

What?

Defendant will remain
free on bail until sentencing.

And defense counsel
will be responsible

for all ancillary court costs,
including, but not limited,

to the $800 the court
spent on this damn weave.

Now don't panic.

The judge still has
a lot of discretion

when it comes to sentencing.

Now if you'll all
testify on her behalf,

and I'll turn on the charm.

Is it possible your face has
gotten even less attractive?

It has?

Oh, damn.

I think I'm having an
allergic reaction to the salve.

Are you... crying?

Some of it is
my stitches weeping.

But...

Yeah, I am a little upset.

Women are being so mean to me.

Nobody's opening a door,

or holding an elevator.

I had to tear open my own
sugar packet at Starbuck's!

I need a moment.

What went wrong?

I thought you tampered
with juror number eight.

I tampered the
heck out of him.

Oh, there he is now.
Let's go get him.

- You!
- I thought you liked her.

Who?

Hello.

Sorry, he's having
a little episode.

It happens from time to time.

What do you mean,
"an episode?"

He suffers from
a condition called

"Transient
Global Amnesia."

If he gets over-stimulated,

he loses his
short-term memory for a while.

Something must have gotten him

excited this morning
and triggered it.

He forgot everything?

Everything that happened
between breakfast and lunch.

You poor bow-tied
son-of-a-gun.

You don't even know
what you had.

- You couldn't sleep either?
- Mm-mm.

I'm still trying to figure out

what I'm gonna say at
Elka's sentencing hearing.

I'm so scared for her.

Yeah, me too.

It's so hard to believe that

they could actually
send her to jail.

I know.

Prison.

It's horrible.

Well, not always.

On Edge of Tomorrow,
when Honor St. Raven

went in for
double murder,

she was released
after six weeks

for saving the warden's children
from an axe murderess.

And not only that,

she earned a degree
in Advanced Bionics

from the Yale University
of Correspondence.

So sometimes prison is
just what you make of it.

Elka's gonna be there
more than six weeks.

Ah, well then she
can get two degrees.

Sorry.

I joke when I'm scared.

I guess I figure that
if I act as if

it isn't serious,
maybe it won't be.

Unfortunately, it is.

Oh.
You too, huh?

I keep picturing Elka
alone in a cold, dark cell.

But that image has lost
its happy glow for me.

You know, if
none of us can sleep

I bet Elka's still up.

Her light's still on.

She's probably going
crazy with anxiety.

Pour her a cup of tea,
I'll go get her.

God, what a day.

Elka getting convicted,

and you literally
man-handling the Governor.

God, I could use that as
a lead-in to my story.

There is no story.

I just wish I could get
the Governor's office

to return my phone calls

before someone ID's me
and I get deported.

Now, see, this is why
you have to strike first.

Now let me get your story out.

Tell the world about

the Governor's
"sex for amnesty" scheme.

There was no
"sex for amnesty" scheme.

Mostly because I didn't
think of it fast enough.

Why can't I just say
I was plucking his brows?

Well, why say
that when I can

turn you into
something much better.

A celebrity victim.

Now say what you will
about our country,

but we do not
deport our celebrities.

No, at worst, we exile
them to reality shows.

She's gone.

Elka's gone.

Well, where did she go?

I don't know, but she's
gone and she left a note.

What's it say?

"I'm gone."

That's it?

"P. S. Sorry to go without
saying good-bye,

"but when I realized
my sentence depended on

"whatever half-baked testimony
you three bird-brains cooked up,

"I decided to take my chances
and light out for the territory."

What's that?
"Light out for the territory?"

It means she went West.

"P.P.S. There's more
Internet pictures"

of the Governor getting off
with Lady French Fry.

Oh, my God, no.

Lady French Fry.

That's a new one.

"P.P.P.S. Joy,
I may not see you again,

and I've been sitting on
"Lady French Fry" for a week.

I had to get it off my chest.

If you had a chest,
you'd know what I mean.

She loved to
insult my chest.

And my hair.

And my inability
to hold on to a man.

And my intelligence.

And my morals.

She's like a mother to me.

You don't think she's
actually gone West, do you?

What state is West of Ohio?

I wanna say Maryland.

Well, she's
out there somewhere,

and we have to find her
before the police do.

Where would she go to hide out?

If you're back here,
who's driving the wagon?

The horse, naturally.

Relax thyself.

She knows the way.

So where we're going,

I'm completely cut off
from the outside world?

Indeed.

Works for me.