Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 9 - Elka's Snowbird - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Oh, hi, Ohio.
I'm Victoria Chase.

And this exceedingly handsome
blue-eyed gentleman is Dave...

- Selleck.
- Selleck.

Yes, head of
the Community Gardens Project.

We're taking abandoned
downtown real estate

and using it
to teach inner-city kids

what it takes to grow food.

Excellent.

Now I don't know if you're
familiar with my reporting,

but I'm rather famous



for saying what
the viewers are thinking.

And clearly, what
the viewers are thinking is...

"Do you ever have the urge
to remove your flannel shirt?"

Excuse me?

Well, you know,
like you're out on a tractor

and the sun is beating
down on your powerful shoulders,

and you know, you're
kind of slick with man sweat,

and you think,
"ah, what the heck?"

And you just whip it off?

Uh, no.

You ought
to try it some time.

Oh, you certainly
do have a green thumb.

And no wedding ring.

Try one of
our cherry tomatoes.



Oh, I would love to.

Mm.

I like that.

And so will you, Cleveland.

Well, this is a very
single Victoria Chase.

Saying back to you...

Black anchorman, or is
it the Chinese guy at noon?

I can never
keep them straight.

All right, kids,
start heading back to the bus.

I'll be right there.

Well, thank you, Dave.

I'm sorry that
the segment was so short,

I know that I wanted more.

Well, if you'd like,

we could talk
some more over lunch.

I mean,
you're probably too busy.

No, no, no.
I'm not busy at all.

Run along little children.

Oh, no.
Those two are mine.

That's
Marcus and Annabelle.

Do you mind
if they join us?

No.

Great.
I'll be right back.

Hello.

We don't like you.

You're going down, lady.

Hey, dad,
is that your new hoe?

Honey,
this is a pitchfork.

Looks like a hoe to me.

His kids are
absolute monsters.

But then, I can be
a bit of an acquired taste.

Sometimes people don't
like me right off the bat.

Or six months later.

Well, Dave likes me.

And we have a date
tomorrow night sans rug rats.

I don't care how hot he is,

I could never date
a do-gooder.

They're always so
into nature.

And eventually,
that leads to camping.

Then next thing you know,

you're doing that
walk of shame into the woods

with a rough brown roll
of eco-friendly toilet paper.

You know,
just to play devil's advocate,

there could be
a good side to helping people.

Doing some community service

could help
you get your green card.

Like, look.
There's a whole section here

on volunteer opportunities.

How about this one?
"Teenagers..."

Don't like 'em,
can't help 'em.

All right,
what about this one?

- "At risk..."
- Nope.

Don't like the direction
that's heading.

Do you wanna get
your green card or not?

Well, I do, but does it
have to involve people?

Because I have to say,
I'm a not a fan.

Well, how about reading
to the blind?

You have
the perfect face for it.

Ooh!

Max says he's sending me
a surprise from Florida.

I still think you should've
gone down there with him.

Florida was cool when
the seniors first discovered it,

but now it's
too much of a scene.

But it's so nice and warm.

Warm in winter
is unnatural.

Oh, I know!

We could volunteer
at the Senior Center.

No way, old people
are the worst.

Present company included.

You'll just
cramp my style anyway.

Well, in that case,
Senior Center it is.

- Hey.
- Surprise!

Max!
You came back.

Not for long.
I just came back to get you,

a couple of bottles
of stadium mustard,

and to take you back with me.

Darling,
we discussed this.

Elka, I can't be alone
in Florida.

The women are all over me.

I'm like a cheeto
in a flock of seagulls.

Well, can't you
just tell them you're engaged?

Of course.
But to them, "engaged"

means
"grab him while you can."

But my trial.

We'll come back
for your trial.

Clevelanders would never
acquit somebody with a tan.

That's true.

So I'll stay here with you.

I'll... I'll winter
in Cleveland.

- Can I take your coat?
- Sure, in June.

That was absolute hell.

I can't believe
how rude and annoying

those old people were.

"Where's my pudding?"
"You're too slow."

Well, I love
the faces of old people.

Every wrinkle tells a story.

Yes, and the moral
of the story is...

"Wear sunscreen".

Ugh!
They're killing me.

- What?
- Dave's kids.

We were just
about to go out to dinner

when his little girl
suddenly had "a tummy ache."

I mean, just
the use of the word "tummy,"

it is so manipulative.

Maybe she was really sick.

Oh, please.
I know bad acting when I see it.

She was all
doubled over, and moaning,

and rocking back and forth.

It was
pure community theatre.

Oh, God, I really want
this to work.

Do you know that I
talked on the phone with Dave

last night for three hours?

You both talked?

Yes.

Wow,
this is really serious.

Yeah.

You know, I actually think
I like this guy.

I mean, I've been
in love before, and in lust...

But I realized I have
never really liked a man.

Aw.

Well, his kids
are obviously his soft spot,

so you just
gotta win them over.

No, you're right.

Okay, I'll take them
out to dinner, my treat.

I mean,
they just have to see me

as kind, and sweet,
and nurturing, and sincere,

I'll show those amateurs
what real acting is.

I hope you have better luck
feeding your hellions

than we did with ours.

Oh, how was
the Senior Center?

- It was great.
- Disgusting.

The only bad part was
the food we were serving them

- was so unhealthy.
- So what?

I mean, I understand
giving healthy food to kids

because they have a future,
but those people...

They need
healthier choices.

And you know what,
we could prepare meals for them.

Oh, wait, and then
I could do a segment on it,

on Oh, hi, Ohio.
That's a great idea!

And then you would
have video documentation

of your good deeds...
perfect for the I.N.S.

Hm.

There is something very American
about doing good deeds

to get
superficial media coverage.

Elka, what are
you doing with ice skates?

Well, since I convinced Max
to stay for the winter,

I need to show him you can have
a good time in this weather.

Wow, that's
a really athletic activity.

- Isn't Max a little too..
- Jewish?

I was gonna say old,
but that works too.

Well, the way I figure,
he'll have a good time

or he'll break a hip.

Either way, he stays here!

Well, I guess your father

is having a tough time
finding a parking spot.

Ah, your sodas.

Are you an alcoholic?

Damn.

You said a bad word.

Yes, but for red wine
on a silk shirt,

I showed
remarkable restraint.

Where's our dad?

Well, he'll be
coming along soon.

While we're waiting,

auntie Victoria has
a little something for you.

Here is the complete box set

of season 27 of my show
Edge of Tomorrow.

In discs 15 to 20, I did
some very fine step-mothering.

Now they were ghost children,
but they loved me dearly.

Sorry I took so long.

Oh, well, we were having
a marvelous time

getting to know each other.

So, everybody hungry?

Damn hungry.

Marcus, what
kind of language is that?

She taught it to me.

Daddy, I'm not
a little bitch, am I?

Okay, Joy, taste
this vegetarian chili.

Instead of meat,
and oil, and salt,

I've loaded it up
with real healthy herbs.

Mm.

That's a hot, wet garden,
all right.

Look, I spoke
to my Immigration lawyer,

and you were right.

Being on Victoria's show
and doing a good deed

could really
help me get my green card.

But that's not gonna happen

if she films a bunch
of old people spitting out

this tasteless slop
into their napkins.

It's not slop.

I think
the seniors will love it.

Melanie, they're
not like people from L.A.

They live openly
as old people.

And real old people like
to punctuate their naps

with bacon, and pie,
and what this country

is mysteriously proud
to call American cheese.

Well,
it's gonna be delicious.

Now stir it
before the tofu gets clammy.

Delicious.

Oh, did you knit those
for Max?

Yes.
Try them on, Joy.

You're the only one here
with man hands.

I do not have man-hands.

Oh, yeah, they do seem
to fit perfectly.

Oh, they'll be
a little big for Max,

but they'll do.

What's that stuff?

It's mock
macaroni and cheese.

And the beauty of it,

there's no macaroni
and no cheese.

Yes, nothing
ruins macaroni and cheese

like macaroni and cheese.

Now you're
getting with the program,

putting some
elbow grease into it.

Elbow grease.
Yes.

Hey, how'd it go
with the kids?

Oh,
I underestimated them.

Oh, they are good actors.
They are real good.

They managed to undermine me
every step of the way.

Very Method.

Well,
you got two options.

You either find
a way to get them to like you,

or you break up with him.

Wait.

Maybe there's a third option.

I have a plan.

The ghost children on
Edge of Tomorrow could not rest

until they lived full-time
with their ghost mother.

Well, who can argue
with a plan

that starts with
"the ghost children"?

And when I found out
you were dating my ex-husband,

I thought, "oh, my God,
I'm such a big fan."

And then he said
you wanted to meet me

and I felt so intimidated.

No, no,
don't feel intimidated.

I mean,
sure, I have awards,

and millions
of adoring fans,

and I have been the clue

in several TV Guide
crossword puzzles...

But don't think of me
as "TV's blank Chase."

Just think of me
as another person.

Almost like you.

So why did
you wanna meet me?

Because I wanted to meet
the woman who raised Michael.

- Marcus.
- And Amanda.

- Annabelle.
- Delightful children.

So... inventive.

And they love you so much.
They cry for you, you know?

- They cry for me?
- Oh, constantly.

I mean, it must
be so difficult for you,

sharing custody and knowing
how much they suffer

when you're not around.

You know, I have
two children of my own...

oh,
I read you had three.

I'm an artist,

so I'm not
very good with numbers.

The point is that

when a child falls
and slices open his shin,

the dad's will say,
"Oh, walk it off."

You know,
blood gushing everywhere,

"Oh, go rub
some dirt on it."

But that's why
a mom needs to be there

all the time with...
oh, what is the word?

Full custody.

75 in Boca, nice.

75 in Saint Pete,
nice.

Uh-oh, it's
only 73 in Delray.

Poor bastards.

You're miserable here,
aren't you?

On the one hand,
I could never be miserable

when I'm with you.

On the other hand, yes.

Oh, Max, I can't
do this to you anymore,

it's just too cold for you
in Cleveland.

So come back to Florida
with me.

My late wife loved it there.
We had such fun.

As we will too!

It's just not for me.
But you go.

- But Elka...
- No.

I'm setting you free.

So...Spread your wings

and fly South,
my old snowbird.

That's so
sad and beautiful.

You know, they say if
you love something, set it free.

But I've
never understood that.

I say if you love something,
lock it in the basement

and feed it through
a slot in the door

until it loves you back.

Elka, he'll be back
in the spring.

It does become spring here
eventually, right?

Sort of.

And no matter how
many sun-dried skanks

throw themselves at him,
he'll resist.

- Don't you worry.
- Oh, I'm not. I mean...

Well, sure, Max is
a charming, handsome man,

and there
is no woman in Boca

who wouldn't drop
her bathing suit cover-up

for a chance to...

Oh, I gotta catch him.

You're bringing him back?

No, I'm going with him.

I'll be back for my trial.

- Max!
- Elka.

I was halfway down the walk
when I realized

I could not
leave without my...

you don't have to!
I'm coming with you!

I was going to say
"mittens."

But this is even better!

How is everyone enjoying
their healthy food?

It's like you said.
Just took the right ingredients.

Okay, we're
gonna start taping now.

Uh... on my head whip.

Oh, hi, Ohio.
I'm Victoria Chase.

And I'm here with Joy Scroggs
and Melanie Moretti,

so how does it feel to be
the subjects

of so much adulation?

I mean, I know.
But tell the people right there.

Well, it was
my brain-child really.

Selflessly volunteering to
create delicious, healthy meals

for this...
The greatest generation.

Aw, that's nice.

I've also brought
along with me Dr. Joe,

a nutritionist
at the Cleveland clinic.

He's been analyzing the meals
that have been prepared here

- by Melanie and Joy.
- Oh, dear God.

So what can you tell us
about the healthy benefits

that these seniors
are reaping?

Absolutely none,
Victoria.

What?

The food is high
in fat, sugar, and sodium.

These are artery-clogging,
stroke-inducing,

diabetes-promoting meals.

Melanie!

What have you done
to these fine Americans?

Cut!

All right,
what is going on here?

I don't know.

Joy, what did you add
to the food?

You heard the doctor.
Flavor.

I just couldn't risk looking bad
in front of the camera.

You cannot air this.

What, are you crazy?

This has gone from a puff-piece,
feel-good story

to an award-winning
shocker on elder abuse.

But my green card.

Don't worry,
I'll pixelate your faces.

Okay, a new opening.

Oh, hi, Ohio.
This is Victoria Chase.

What was supposed to be a
safe haven for healthy seniors

has turned into
a heart attack central.

These two volunteers have
turned mealtime

into assisted suicide
on a plate.

How do you feel about
the food, sir?

- I love it.
- It's killing you.

Oh.

Hey, farmer.

I had a hankering
for a cherry tomato.

Hi, Victoria.

I just finished
filming this segment

that would've
been great for me

but would've hurt
my friends,

and I thought,
"what would Dave do?"

And so I decided
to pull the segment.

I mean, you make me want to
be a better person.

So let's celebrate.

Being good makes me
want to be bad.

Well...
Here's the thing.

My ex-wife told me
what you two talked about,

and we ended up having a
long discussion about the kids.

Mm, killing the mood,
but I can work through that.

And we decided that
what you said about the kids

was right.

- Full custody?
- Yes.

For both of us.

We realized that
what was best for them

was for the two of us
to work things out

and get back together.

So we're
gonna give it a try.

Ah.

Well, that's... fabulous.

I'm sorry we couldn't
get to know each other better.

I like you.

I like you too.

Auntie Victoria,
auntie Victoria!

Thank you, thank you!

You're welcome.

Yes, sweetie?

If you ever
come near our dad again

you're dead!

Okay, should we try these
volunteer opportunities again?

- How about "Clean up..."
- Too dirty.

- "Adopt a..."
- Too needy.

Victoria, do you wanna
do some volunteer work with me?

Mm, I'd love to,
but I have a tummy ache.

See, and that's how
you do it.

Elka!
What are you doing back?

It's official,
I hate Florida.

Where's Max?

It's all over with Max.

No!
What happened?

We went to his condo...

or should I say his shrine
to his late wife?

What are you talking about?

Pictures, clothes,
everything.

Well, surely
he'll move that stuff out.

It was like he expected me
to pick up where she left off.

Aw.

Sounds like he's not
quite ready to get married yet.

Yeah, we talked about it.

We agreed, he's not.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You know,
if misery loves company

my hot gardener
went back to his ex-wife.

Those first wives
will get you every time.

- Yeah.
- Well, I'll get over it.

But...
He was a good man.

And God, could he
fill a pair of jeans.

He had a butt
like two scoops of ice cream.

Max too.

Soft serve,
but the same idea.