Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 8 - LeBron Is Le Gone - full transcript

Hot in cleveland is recorded
In front of a live studio audience.

Hey, ladies.
Who had the beer,

and who had the shot
of Jagermeister?

Me and me.

What can I do for you?

Well, that sports game
has been on

an awfully long time.

Could you change the channel?

It's kind of a big game.

But Oprah and Gayle
are camping again.

Pretty please?



Well, how can I say no
to you?

That never would have worked
in L.A.

- Hey...
- Whoa...

It didn't completely
work here.

Oh, guys, sorry.

It's okay.

I love this town.

Now make them get us
some ice cream from next door.

Well, I'm not wearing
the right bra, but I'll try.

Scusi, signora.

You're wearing my house.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I didn't see you.

Here.

Just put it back
in the kitchen.



That's the dining room!
The kitchen.

There's a customary
remodeling fee.

Oh, sure.

Bloody hell,
I can't find my wallet!

I must have left it
at the I.N.S. office

when I was filling out
those stupid forms.

My whole life
is in tatters.

Oh, sorry.

Actually, I do all right
for myself.

♪
♪

♪
♪

Oh, please...
please stop.

You're really very good,
but I've had a rough day.

Oh... you look
almost ready to cry.

Let the tears fall.

Well, it has been
a rough few months.

You see,
I need a green card.

And I had a potential
fake marriage that fell apart.

Then I had a potential
real marriage that fell apart.

And now I'm gonna be deported
in two weeks,

unless I can find
an American citizen to marry me.

- I...
- I'm an American citizen.

First of all, Victoria,
thanks for auditioning.

I am a huge
Honor St. Raven fan.

So for an actress
of your caliber

to even consider
a local news program is...

Extraordinary.
I know.

You know, I'll admit that
at first,

even I had reservations.

But then I thought,
I'm not lowering myself.

I am raising the drab
little lives of clevelanders.

We watched your tape.

You're welcome.

There's just one little thing.

Uh, we find you, uh...

Too chic? Charismatic?
Fabulous?

Unlikable.

Unlikable? Me?
In what way?

We found you vain,
self-centered,

and completely uninterested in
the person you were talking to.

All right,
now you're just babbling.

I'm gonna level with you.

I am broke,
so I really need this job.

Now, why don't you tell me

exactly what it is
you're looking for.

We call it
the three P's.

Perky, playful,
and puns.

That's the kind of thing
that plays in middle America,

where likeable people
like... likeability.

You wouldn't know
likeability

if it sat in your lap
and blew in your ear.

Would you like that?

There you are.

We were starting
to get worried

that something terrible
happened to you.

I'm engaged...
to a homeless man.

Oh, Joy!

Haven't the homeless
suffered enough?

You're engaged
to a random homeless man?

He's not random.
He's opera guy.

The guy that stands outside
and sings?

Yes. This means I get
to stay in the country.

Be happy for me.

I'm happy for you.

Sad for the country.

Sweetie, isn't this
a little extreme?

Look, I know
this is crazy,

but I only have two weeks
to get a green card.

Well, you know how much
I want you to stay here,

so I'll do whatever I can
to help.

That's good, because
he'll be living with us

for the next two weeks.

What? Why?

Well, I can't just
put his address down

on the I.N.S. forms
as "behind the Quiznos."

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a wedding to plan...

And a fiance's name to learn.

Shouldn't we do something
about this?

Oh, he'll soon come
to his senses.

Oh, wow...

That is a good-lookin' man.

Oh, that's Jason Disbrow...

shooting coach
for the cavaliers.

Yummy.

Well, go talk to him.

Use your powers.

Oh, I don't know
if my powers are strong enough

to penetrate
that kind of handsome.

What should I say?

Uh, how 'bout, uh,

"J. J. Hickson better
square up to the basket

"if he ever wants
to hit a jumper."

I can't say that.

I don't even know
what it means.

Excuse me, would you mind
if I put the game back on?

Thanks.

J.J. Hickson better
square up to the basket

if he ever wants to hit
a jumper.

Wow, I just said that to him
this morning at practice.

Can I buy you a drink?

Don't waste your money.
She's good to go.

And this is
the pick and roll.

What you guys doing?

Oh, Elka's teaching me
the finer points of basketball

so I don't blow it
on my date with Jason.

Well, that's silly.

Just be yourself.
He'll adore you.

Thanks, but he already thinks

I'm a basketball savant.

The only thing
standing in the way

of me and free tickets

is her ignorance
of the game.

Couldn't I just,
you know, sleep with him?

I don't want the cheap seats.
I want courtside.

All right,
I have a question.

The guy who left
to play for Miami,

is his name pronounced
"le-bron" or "le-braun"?

In this house,
it's pronounced traitor!

Hey, where have you been
all day?

Oh, let's not make this
about me.

I'm more interested
in you and you... and you.

What's wrong with you?

There is nothing wrong
with me.

I'm just interested
in my friends,

like any likeable person.

Okay. Well, I have a date
with a coach

- from the Cleveland Cavaliers.
- Ah.

And I'm engaged
to a homeless man.

He's moving in today.

What... a...
heartwarming surprise.

Look, I know what an
incredible imposition this is,

but he's actually
a pretty good guy.

No different
from any of us.

Honey, I'm home!

Hi... fiance.

Now, please, introduce me
to your sister-wives.

Well, this is Melanie
and Elka.

And I'm Victoria.

- Delighted to meet you.
- Charmed.

Oh, such a beautiful home!

I love all the little
touches.

Like the crown
molding and... oh!

Windows with glass
instead of trash bags!

We've set up a cot for you
in the garage.

Oh, a cot!

I won't hear of it.

You bitch!

No, I mean you must stay
in our guest room.

- I'll show you the way.
- Thank you.

I'm so grateful
to be in your home.

You must wake up every day
feeling blessed.

Don't touch my stuff!

Oh, what a charming fellow.

Humans are so... interesting.

Okay, why are you being
so weird?

I'm just being my normal,
upbeat, likeable self.

Oh, God,
my career is over!

What's wrong?
What are you talking about?

Well, I was embarrassed
to tell you guys,

but I auditioned for a job
at a local TV News station.

I didn't get it.

They found me "unlikable."

- That's ridiculous.
- You're wonderful.

I like you better than Joy.

They wanted me to do
human interest stories,

but you know that I have
no interest in humans.

Except for you guys.

Oh, God, I need this job.

So... you're a great actress.

Go on.

Pretend to be interested.

Pretend!
Oh, you're right. You're right.

I've been going about this
all wrong.

No, I just need
to think of this

as another role I'm playing.

You know, it's kind of like
when they ask me to host

those charity functions.

I just need to pretend
to care.

And for the homeless man
known as "opera guy,"

this far-from-fat lady
has sung a song of love.

Well, for "Oh Hi, Ohio",
this is Vicki Chase saying

that's amore!

And for s'amore
on the weather,

here's Glenn to tell us
if spring is in the Aria.

Wow. Now that
is a home run.

Or perhaps you should say
a homeless run.

No, you did not say that!

So?

Welcome to northeast Ohio's
number three television station.

It's so great
to be with a woman

who knows so much
about basketball.

So who do you think
we should start at power forward

against Detroit?

Huh?

Say, "I'd go with
Antawn Jamison."

I'd go with
Antawn Jamison.

You know, he's old,
but he has a lot of gas left

in his tank.

You know, LeBron used to say
the same thing.

- Oh, were you guys close?
- Super close.

Had all my hopes and dreams
invested in him.

And just like the rest
of the city, it still hurts.

Well, at least he'll
come back and play

a couple times a year.
That should be fun, right?

And I thought you
were the dumb one.

Ladies... the shower!

Like the piss of angels!

Wow, you clean up
really well.

This might actually work.

Have you seen
my plastic owl Vibrato?

He protects me from squirrels.

Although it has
less of a chance

with statements like that.

Defense wins championships.

I got a buddy
that talks to himself too.

No, she's on Bluetooth.

What's that like, meth?

Look, here are some answers
to questions

the I.N.S. Might ask us.

Please try to memorize them.

"Joy sleeps on the right side
of the bed.

"I sleep on the left."

Ah...

"Unless england's
in the world cup,

"then nobody sleeps,
small chuckle."

No, you don't say
"small chuckle."

You chuckle small-y.

Face it lebron is
le-gone!

Face it, LeBron is
le-outta here.

Oh, she's gone rogue.

You're right,
I gotta let him go.

Right. Would you like
to go to dinner?

- You got a favorite place?
- Oh, my gosh, dozens.

Cleveland has so many
great restaurants.

That's another thing I love
about this city.

Great. I would hate to think
that Cleveland was

just some stepping stone
for you to a larger market,

like Chicago, New York...
Miami.

No, no, I'm staying.

That's what lebron
used to say.

Hey, listen, you gotta
stop beating yourself up.

I mean, it's not like
you told LeBron to go.

Uh, actually, I did.

You see, I was trying this
reverse-psychology thing, and...

He's to blame!

I'm gonna kill that mother...

-Oh, hi!, Ohio.

It's Vicki Chase live
from the shores of lake Erie.

Not everyone finds
our Cleveland winter weather

hard to take.

In fact, this group
of speedo-clad warriors

finds it downright
polar bear-able.

In a few minutes,
these intrepid heroes

are going to take
their annual plunge

into the icy depths.

And let me tell you, folks,

this water is...
[Bleep] freezing!

I'm sorry,
but you guys are crazy!

Am I wrong?

Tell you what, I am, like,
five minutes away

from cutting open
one of these guys

and crawling in.

Oh, dear.

That was a bigger disaster

than when she ad libbed her way
through the Vagina Monologues.

Hello.

I'm Patricia Wellons
with the I.N.S.

I'm here for a surprise review.

But we're not supposed
to meet you till next week.

That's why
it's called a surprise.

- It's just so tough.
- Mm.

There's reminders
of LeBron everywhere.

I still can't take
the number 23 bus.

It's kind of funny.

It's almost like
I'm going out with someone

with a very famous ex,
and I'm just the rebound.

I'm sorry.

Look, maybe this is
just a time in your life

where you have to
forget the past

and just power forward.

Maybe I should just
go home.

- I keep saying the wrong thing.
- No, don't go.

I want to show you
that I can be normal.

Okay, but could you maybe
turn up the thermostat?

It's a little chilly
in here.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I like the cold.

I like the heat.

Right, right...
Miami Heat.

You know what, I think maybe
we should do this another time.

Okay?
Can I give you a ring?

Right. No ring.

No rings ever.

As I was saying,

we like to meet
with each of you individually

to make sure that
your stories are consistent.

So how did you and Joy
get together?

Well, when we met,
I was at a crosswalk...

Crossroads!

Crossroads!

And this beautiful woman
blew into my life

like a tornado.

She literally ripped the roof
off of my house.

Don't ad lib,
just repeat what I say!

Don't ad lib,

just repeat what I say!

I'm sorry. Excuse me?

By that I mean
she changed my life,

and made me feel like
a mannequin.

Man again!
That makes more sense.

Small chuckle.

I'm lucky to have met her.

Oh, she's lucky too.
My husband's a bum.

Oh, really?
What's his name?

What was that?

Nothing.
Probably a squirrel.

A squirrel?

Oh, no.
Where's Vibrato?

Oh, good lord!
It's just a squirrel!

The squirrels are coming!
The war's started!

Where's vibrato?

Just get back out there.

I'm sorry, I have to go.
I have a date with destiny.

What are you laughing at?

I find it sexy.

So you picked a homeless man
to get your green card?

Was that bad?
Should I not have done that?

I'm new to your country.

Your fiance is trying
to get a squirrel

to sign a peace treaty.

I have a long ride.

Do you mind it I use
your bathroom?

Down the hall
to the left.

Why does this
keep happening?

I don't know.

It seemed like such
an airtight plan.

Well, I assume
you all witnessed

my career suicide.

They fired me.

Oh, honey,
it's just one job.

You've had dry spells before.
The right part will come along.

Well, what if it doesn't?

I mean,
what if it's over?

If I'm not in front
of a camera, then who am I?

I just don't know
if the un-televised life

is worth living.

Sorry, Elka,
no courtside tickets.

You slept with him.

No.

But why is everyone
in this town

so obsessed with their teams?

My segment was a hit!

The station said
they've been flooded with calls.

Apparently I say
what other people are thinking.

And luckily for me,
what other people are thinking

is completely unlikable.

Oh, we have company.

Hello, Victoria Chase,
from "Oh hi, Ohio".

Check local listings.

This is Patricia Wellons,
from the I.N.S.

Oh, hi.
It's a pleasure to meet you.

- I'm being deported.
- What?

But Joy and her fiance
are so in love.

I know he's a homeless man.

But that's what makes it
so... so heartwarming.

Thanks for trying,
but it's over.

No, I'm not gonna let
this be over.

No, me either.

I mean,
I'll marry her myself,

if that's what it takes.

I can't stand her,
but I still want her to stay.

She gets me.

Listen, Joy may not
be married,

but she has deep ties
to this country... us.

You know,
and in a lot of ways,

our friendship is stronger
than any marriage.

I mean, we've been together
longer than

all four of my marriages
combined.

- It's five.
- Five.

Shoot, I always forget
Ernie Hudson.

We're a family.

If you deport Joy,
you'll break us up.

- You all live here together?
- Mm-hmm.

We certainly do.
We're like sisters.

You know, my girlfriends
and I often joke

about living together and
having our husbands come visit.

But you ladies are
doing it.

I admire that.

So you'll get me
a green card?

- No.
- Oh, can't you just let her...

Okay, what I will do
is give you an extension

so that you have more time
to file an appeal

to stay here legally.

Oh, thank you.

You know, you ladies really
have something special here.

Oh, Joy.

I've had some time to think,

and I can't go through
with this sham marriage.

When I get married,
I want it to be for real.

For love.

Hush, Vibrato!
I told her!

It's funny because
she can't even hang on

to a homeless man!