Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 7 - Dog Tricks, Sex Flicks & Joy's Fix - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland

is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.

Okay, sit.

You'll only get the treat
if you sit.

So sit.

Now I have to sit.

Oh, who's this guy?

Where did he come from?

He's the oldest dog
at the shelter

where I volunteer.

Oh, I love rescue dogs.



They're so grateful
and happy.

I wish
there were rescue men.

He'll never get adopted

unless he learns
a cute trick or two.

Well, I see he's mastered
the art of licking himself.

Thank God
men can't do that.

It's hard enough to get 'em
away from the TV.

You see why the staff
calls him Dummy.

Oh, he'll be fine.

I have the gift
with animals.

I call it "the gift."

I know how they feel,

I know what they think.

What's he thinking now?



What we're all thinking...

Why doesn't Joy
dress her age?

Good morning, all.

I have an announcement
to make.

I'm going to make
a sex tape,

and you're
all going to help.

We begin after coffee.

Oh, and who is
this handsome fellow?

What are you talking about?

Well, surely I'm
not the only one in the room

who sees a dog.

He's visiting
from the shelter.

Now back to us
supposedly helping you

with a sex tape.

Yes. Well, as you all know,

I am on the verge
of financial ruin,

and my agent said
that a leaked sex tape

could generate
enough media buzz

to really jumpstart
my career.

Okay. So who's
the lucky guy?

Actually, my agent said

that the new trend
in leaked sex tapes

is girl on girl,

and I said, well, I know
just the girl.

Don't look at me!

Or me.

I'm fighting the I.N.S.
Just to stay in this country.

A sex tape is
the last thing I need

popping up
on my Google search.

Well, I was thinking
of Melanie.

Me?

I've never even done it
near a mirror.

Wait.
Did you not ask me

because I'm
not stacked enough?

Oh, Joy,
don't hate me.

Hate the Internet perverts
who run Hollywood.

And I knew
you would say no.

How come you didn't know
I'd say no?

Well, I did,

but it's just so much easier
to wear you down.

Not this time.

Oh, come on.

It's not like we're
really gonna do anything.

I mean, there won't be
any touching or nudity.

That's some sex tape.

All right, I admit

I'm a little outside
of my area of expertise.

I mean, I've never made
a sex tape.

I don't even
understand them.

Well, you see, when two people
love each other very much,

they get a camera
and...

Wait.

When would you
even watch it?

After Dexter.

The only reason
I'd make a sex tape

would be
as a teaching tool.

You know, get one of those
little laser pointers.

"More of this, less of that.

"Whoa, slow down there, cowboy."

Oh, come on, Mel.
We're friends.

You know, we do things
for each other.

Yes, for each other,
not to each other.

But you asked me
to buy you stamps.

Really?

You're comparing
buying stamps

with making a sex tape?

No, no, you're right.

I mean, buying stamps
is so much worse.

I have to go
to the Post Office.

You just
have to go upstairs.

Okay, no.

No, not in a million years.

No, never.

I am loving the passion.

You know, my therapist
doesn't believe me

when I tell him
these stories.

What's that, dear?

Dummy says he thinks you're
too far gone for therapy.

Well, then good-bye,
old, useless dummy.

and your dog.

Oh, perfect!

Is it too much to ask
for coffee lids

that fit coffee cups?

Tell me about it.

The place downstairs,
right?

And the lines are so long...

everyone with their complicated
drink orders now.

This morning,
I'm in line for 20 minutes

and the woman in front of me
finally gets to the counter

and the guy says,
"what can I get you?"

And she says,
"let me think."

I mean, what was she thinking
about for the last 20 minutes?

At least your guy said,
"what can I get you?"

Mine said, "what can I
do you for?"

I hate that.

People are so annoying.

People are the worst.

- Hi, I'm Joy.
- I'm Gordon.

I'm sorry, but what time
is your appointment?

It's 12:00.

Mine must be 1:00.

I hate bloody
daylight savings time.

Me, too.
It's like jet lag,

but you don't
get to go anywhere.

That would make
a good tweet.

- I hate Twitter.
- Me, too!

Okay, I'm gonna go out
on a limb here.

Recycling.

Hate it.

I mean, I do it,
but it's so annoying.

It's like
high-maintenance garbage.

You know,
I know why I'm here,

but I don't see
how a beautiful woman like you

could possibly need
a therapist.

I would think you could
just solve your problems

by looking in the mirror.

Unless your problem's
Narcissism.

So why are you seeing
Dr. Morgan?

I'm sorry, but I don't
know you that well.

That's true.

I could be some kind
of violent psychopath

in need
of serious treatment.

Are you?

No.

You?

- Joy?
- No.

- What?
- I'm sorry.

I was answering
his question.

No, I'm not a psychopath.

Right, Dr. Morgan?

You know I can't talk
about specifics

in front of patients.

Yes, but you can
say that much, can't you?

"She's not a psychopath."

I'm giving you permission.

Joy, isn't your appointment
an hour from now?

Let's talk
about it then, okay?

Okay.

But I'm not a psychopath.

Gordon?

I'll see you
in an hour?

See you in an hour.

You know what,
I'm gonna double up next week.

I'd rather spend
the next hour with you.

You like Mexican food?

- Hate it.
- Me, too.

Oh!

It's chilly in here.

I'll either have to get
my sweater or knit faster.

I'll turn up
the thermostat

as soon as I
finish these bills.

And I'm out of stamps.

Who do you have to sleep with
in this place to get stamps?

Oh, yeah... Victoria.

Oh, here's my sweater
right here.

Oh, poor Dummy.

The only thing
he can do is shed.

I just met
the greatest guy.

Oh, congratulations.
Where?

At my therapist's office.

Oh, a more cautious
congratulations.

No, no, it's okay.

I mean, obviously,
he's screwed up,

but we had
such a connection.

There's a chance
we are screwed up

in completely
complimentary ways.

What's he like?

Well, that's what
we're about to find out.

What are all those files?

When Dr. Morgan left
to take a phone call,

I noticed Gordon's files
on his desk,

so let's divide them up
and look for red flags.

All right.

You stole his files?

Isn't that
a little unethical?

I know, and I wouldn't
have done it,

but I might be
deported in a month,

and I don't have two years
to get to know him

to see if he's
marriage material or not.

Well, I think
it's brilliant.

I wish I'd seen
my third ex-husband's files

before we got married.

Although, I suppose
he could have hid

his being gay
even from his therapist.

He was president of the
Victoria Chase Fan Club.

I don't think he was
hiding it from anyone.

The fan club hasn't been
the same since we lost him.

This person's a psycho!

That's my file!

You stole
your file, too?

Wouldn't you?

Well, yeah,
I would, yeah.

Oh, this is great.

It says Gordon
likes assertive women.

I'm assertive.

I stole these files.

Ooh, it says he's ready
to get married soon,

so no commitment issues.

And here are
his sex fantasies.

Oh, look, a particular
favorite of yours, I believe.

Yes!

I won't even need
a laser pointer.

Oh, and he also has

the standard
girl-on-girl fantasies

that everyone loves.

Not everyone.

Oh. He hates walks
on the beach, too.

Again, this is
all about my career.

I mean, the sex
is just simulation.

It's only my desperation
that's real.

Uh-oh. This says
Gordon has...

Oh, please, don't say
peanut allergy.

That just freaks me out.

They eat the wrong thing,

their head swells up
like a basketball,

and there goes
your evening.

No, he has
a heightened fear

of being spied on
or watched.

That's all?

Don't you see?

We're doing
what he fears most.

We're making
his nightmares come true.

Hey, I'm in your file.

P.S. Right back at ya.

Oh, that must be
Jasmine Breeze.

Who?

Well, when you wouldn't
co-star in my fake sex tape,

I hired a professional.

You hired a hooker?

She comes from
a very classy escort service.

You can tell because
the a-s-s in "classy"

is capitalized.

All right, all you have
to do is hold the camera.

Here's the power button,

and there's the zoom,
and...

Oh, although it's high-def,

so, you know, don't zoom.

You want a cup of tea?

I'm good.

You know, um,
while we're waiting,

I'm just...
I've been wondering something.

See, I'm out
in the dating world again

after a very long marriage,

and, um, well,
you would know,

what is it that guys are
really looking for these days?

Well, it's more
what you say than what you do.

Oh.

But you still
gotta do it, too.

Right, got it.

You know, they say the most
erotic organ is the brain.

Yeah, I get a lot
of requests for the brain.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I was just putting
the finishing touches

- on the script.
- Script?

Uh...

"I can't believe
I'm making love

"to Daytime Emmy-winner
Victoria Chase."

Do people really talk
about your awards

when they're
in bed with you?

Well, they do
if they're smart.

Wait. Script, camera, uh...

I get paid extra
for being a porn star.

Now, wait a minute.

Why is everyone
in porn a "star"?

Are there no
porn character actors?

Look, Jasmine Breeze,
I don't have any more money.

Now, this video
is gonna get me work,

and when I get paid,
I promise that I'll pay you.

Promise?

Promises don't pay
my tuition to Law school.

You're in Law school?

Well, I didn't have
the grades for Dental school.

No video
unless you pay double.

You know what?
Just go.

And rest assured, I would have
acted your ass off.

I get paid extra
for that, too.

Well, this is awkward.

No.

My problem
with modern art is

that if I could do it,

it just doesn't seem
like art to me.

Mm-hmm.

I probably shouldn't
have insulted

that one piece so loudly
in that echoing lobby.

Well, how could you know

the artist was standing
right behind us?

And I suppose
that third-grade class

was going to learn
those words eventually, right?

Look, I know
we've only been dating

for a couple of weeks,

but there's something
I'd really like to ask you.

Yes.

You can eat the french fries
off my plate.

Thank you.

Mmm.

This is a real sense memory.

You know,
I was a chubby kid,

so my parents wouldn't
let me order them.

But my sister
would let me eat hers

off of her plate.

I really loved her
for that.

What a lucky thing
I ordered them then.

You know me so well.

It's like we met
in a past life or something.

I mean,
we have cut through months

of that getting
to know you business,

and we're connecting
on the big stuff.

This feels
really right, doesn't it?

It does.

I love an assertive woman.

- I know.
- Hmm?

Now.

Because you just said it.

Kiss me again.

Well, I suppose
I could get publicity

the old-fashioned way...

shoplifting.

Well, Winona Ryder
got a lot of press.

Seriously?
Breaking the law?

Aw, you're right.

I'd just look
like a copycat.

Ooh, you could
punch out a paparazzi.

If we had paparazzi
around

then I wouldn't
need the attention.

Melanie, where is your head?

Having Tom Brady's baby
might be fun.

Now you're thinking.

Hey, how was
your date with Gordon?

Wonderful.

Uh-oh, what's wrong?

Here.

Tell us all about it.

I really, really
like this guy,

and not just from his files,
but for who he really is.

So I've decided I have to be
completely honest with him.

You're gonna tell him
that you took his file?

Oh, God, no,
he'll never know that,

or my real birthday.

No, I need to tell him
I might be deported soon,

and I'm scared of
what his reaction might be.

He's gonna be crushed.

Yeah,
just like we are.

Yeah,
but what if he's not?

What of he says,
"Oh, that's too bad,

"it's been fun,"

instead of
my secret crazy wish

where he says,
"let's get married

"and get you a green card

"and work this all out"?

Well, maybe you should ask
your therapist how to tell him.

Or better yet, tell Gordon
at the therapist's office.

That way if he dumps me,

at least I'll have
somewhere to cry for an hour.

I was looking for Dummy.

What's going on here?

Oh, we're just
all feeling a little sad.

All right, already,

I'll do your sex tape.

Oh, God!

Really?

Don't worry about it.

I brought two.

Hey.

And they're not made of paper,
so we don't have to recycle.

Joy, did I get the time
wrong this time?

No.

I knew you'd be here,
and...

There's something
I need to tell you.

Okay.

Well, it's not definite but...

I'm having problems
with my green card.

And there's a good chance

I might be deported
very soon.

Oh.

Wow.

Well, we can't
let that happen.

I mean, I don't
want that to happen.

I'm so relieved
you said that.

You could stay, right?
if someone married you,

like in those movies.

Oh, I hate those movies,

but I would do that.

I hate those movies, too,

but I would
let you do it.

I mean, we hate too many
of the same things

not to stay together.

- Cirque du Soleil.
- Jazz.

- Flying.
- Flying?

Oh, yeah,
didn't I tell you that?

Deathly afraid,
can't get on a plane.

That wasn't
in your files.

I went from "I love you"
to a restraining order

in under ten minutes.

On the plus side,
that's a personal best for me.

Honey, I'm so sorry.

Oh, so am I.

I swear, I haven't
felt this hurt

since Kyle stood me up
at the altar.

I know it doesn't
make any sense.

I've only known
Gordon for a few weeks.

I wonder what Dr. Morgan
would say

if he were
still speaking to me.

He'd say
you're finally

letting your
intimacy barriers down.

And allowing yourself
to feel pain?

It's a real step forward

in dealing with
your abandonment issues.

Mmm, it has been
a recurring theme

in your last ten sessions.

You all read my file.

Wouldn't you?

Yes.

And maybe you're right.

Maybe I have made
a little emotional progress.

I guess I should be happy
I'm so miserable.

Oh ho ho.

Dummy says he feels
bad for you.

What's that, Dummy?

There's a pitcher of margaritas
trapped in the fridge?

Well, floozies,

Dummy has a home
right here.

Oh, yay!

- That's wonderful.
- Yay!

And look
how happy he is.

Well, we finally have
a man in the house.

And he's big and hairy
like a Cleveland man.

And frightened
of the thunder

like an L.A. man.

Even if he can't
do anything else,

he made me feel better.

Maybe he can console us
when one of us loses a man.

Oh, get your rest, Dummy.

Ooh.

Oh, my agent says to hold off
on the sex tape.

There might be an opening
on Celebrity Rehab.

Oh, they just want
to figure out which addiction

is gonna get me
the most camera time.

How come I can't restart
my career?

And how come I can't
hang onto a man?

And how come every time
I drink margaritas,

I feel like I could
have sex with anyone?

Now you tell me?