Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 22 - Storage Wars - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Oh, bidding on abandoned
storage units.

We've come a long way
from Rodeo Drive.

I hope they start soon.

This place smells
like worn-out mattresses.

Oh, you must feel
right at home.

Oh, my God.
It is you.

Can I have your autograph?

I can't go anywhere.

- Sure. Here you go.
- Thank you.

Victoria Chase.



Oh, I was hoping
you'd sign it

for Mrs. Ladypants.

You know, like the commercial
where you go in your pants,

but you're happy about it?

Oh, dear God.

Uh, I take it
you've been in Japan.

No, it's on TV here.

- What?
- Yeah.

My kids love it.
They laugh.

They're like,
"that lady's wearing diapers!"

Uh--

they are not diapers.

They are stylish pants
for women on the go

who can't stop to go.



I love it
when you say that.

This is a disaster.

Those commercials were never
supposed to air in the U.S.

Oh, come on, Victoria.

You gotta have
a sense of humor about this.

A dry sense of humor.

All right, folks.
It's auction time.

We're gonna open the doors

and give you a few seconds
to look around.

All right,
you can't go inside.

You can't open any boxes.

And whosever got
the most money today

can certainly own it.
Are you ready?

We know how it works,
haircut.

All right, boys and girls,

we're gonna start the bidding
off low and slow.

And how 'bout starting that one
off at about 20 bucks

on this one?
What about 20?

Now 25, now 25,
what about 25?

25, the young lady
in the track suit.

Do I hear 30?

Oh, wow,
look at that painting.

Kind of looks like a Monet.

I think you're right.

Hey, if I found
a famous painting,

then the media would be
all over it, right?

And then
my whole Ladypants thing

would be forgotten.

But I gotta play it cool.

$3,000!

What are you doing?

Somebody's got
Ladypants money.

No, I'm afraid
this isn't a Monet.

Although the artist's signature
looks French,

so it could be worth
some "moh-nay".

Sorry. It's hot in here.

What's this?

Oh, that's a CB radio,
good buddy.

For some reason,
everyone in the '70s

wanted to talk to truckers.

Oh, now we're talking.

Look at this ugly-ass thing.

Why on earth would you want
a half-knitted sweater?

Every year,
the senior center has

a contest for the most
ugly-ass Christmas sweater.

Oh, my God.

A Mark Jordan bust developer.

I had one of those.

Oh, God, I wanted boobs
so badly in high school.

I thought everything
would be perfect

as soon as I got them.

I thought that too.

And I was right.

Breaker, breaker.

This is Candy Cane
from the Big Dirty.

Come on back.

Oh, good lord.

You're missing
the beauty of this.

Which is?

You're anonymous.

You can pretend to be anybody
you want to be.

So who's Candy Cane?

I'm a saucy little redhead

who does tasteful
soft-core porn...

Uh, from a lady's
point of view.

Well, um,
I've always wondered

what my life
would've been like

if I'd stayed in college.

I had a certain facility
for mathematics--

logarithms, statistical
analysis, number theory.

You know,
like in A Beautiful Mind.

Snore.

These truckers aren't interested
in beautiful minds.

You need something visual.

How can you even call yourself
a fine art appraiser?

Yeah, well, I know art,

because I played
a blocked artist

in the Lifetime Original Movie

The Empty Paintbrush.

Yes, yes,
I am Victoria Chase.

I--

no, I am not going
right now.

The appraiser says
that the painting is worthless,

much like my reputation
as a serious actress.

Now what am I gonna do?

Wait. Look at this.

There's something
behind the frame.

It's an old envelope.

Maybe we stumbled
on a mystery.

I love mysteries.

Didn't you just love
Nancy Drew?

I wanted to drive around
in a red Roadster

with my boyfriend,
Ned Nickerson.

Although he didn't really seem
that into Nancy,

did he?

Come to think of it,
he was probably gay,

wasn't he?

Now, that's the mystery
she should've solved.

Will you give me that?

All right,
it's to a William Herndon

from A. Lincoln,

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue,
Washington, D.C.

Oh, my G--

that's president Lincoln!

Well, it says "A" Lincoln.

We don't know
if it's "the" Lincoln.

Honey, who else
could it be?

Look, the postmark.
It's 1862.

This is an undiscovered letter
from Abraham Lincoln.

Oh!

Do you realize
what this means, Melanie?

This will eclipse
that humiliating commercial.

Oh, Lincoln has released me
from the shackles

of Mrs. Ladypants.

I am free at last.

We must, we must,

we must increase our bust.

The bigger, the better,
the tighter the sweater.

The boys depend on us.

Hey, anybody out there?

Um, breakity-break?

Come on back.
This is Kerouac Cowboy.

Hello, Kerouac Cowboy.

Kerouac like the writer?

I'm a fan.
And who's this?

This is...

English Rose.

Ah, like the Yeats poem,

"Red Rose, proud Rose,
sad Rose of all my days."

Oh, I love Yeats.

But I'm not a red Rose.

I'm a brunette.

Me too.

And just to prolong
the metaphor,

I'm long-stemmed.

Meaning tall.

Oh.

Me too.

And I also...

Have really large breasts.

Crazy large.

Hello?
Kerouac Cowboy?

Uh, I'm here.

I'm sorry,
I'm just letting you know

because some guys
don't like large breasts,

which is too bad,
because I have 'em.

Big time.

Well, you're in luck.

I know a guy
who loves 'em.

Hang on, he's right here.

Hellooo.

Oh, can't we take
a peek inside?

No.

We have to wait
for the Lincoln expert

from the university
to get here.

He'll know what to do.

Well, we don't need
a Lincoln expert

to see that we've entered
the reconstruction era.

Oh, it's just a water bra.

I picked a few up
at the mall.

I said they were
for a friend,

but I wore one
out of the store,

so I think they knew
I was lying.

Is this related
to your CB buddy?

Well, yes.

The whole thing got me thinking
about how it would feel

if I really looked
like the person

I was depicting.

So far these "D"s
get an "A".

They got me
out of a ticket today.

Yeah, but don't you
usually get out of tickets?

Yes, but this was for speeding
and a broken tail light.

Nothing like headlights

to get out
of a broken tail light.

Ah, boobs are making me
wittier, too.

No, boobs only make you
wittier to men.

They sure do.

The guys at the auto shop
said I was as funny

as Scarlett Johansson.

Yeah, I don't think
of Scarlett Johansson as funny.

No.

She's not.

But she's hot,
and they compared me to her,

so I'm happy.

Oh, good.
There's our Lincoln expert.

Artie, what are you
doing here?

Arthur Firestone,
Adjunct Professor,

19th century history,
Case Western University,

at your service.

Oh, no.
You're the Lincoln expert?

I was once a promising
graduate student,

until my break with reality,
which we're all aware of.

But now,
thanks to powerful medicines,

I am back in academia,

with all the cafeteria
privileges that implies.

Joy.

There's something different
about you.

Have you gotten funnier?

Yes. Thanks for noticing.

Can we get
to my letter, please?

As you wish.

Ah, dear Abraham,
we meet again.

Huh. I-I'm too nervous
to do this.

Oh, give me that.

Uh, Washington, D.C.,

April 16, 1862.

"My dear William,

how are things back home?"

Uh, blah blah blah North,

blah blah blah South.

Uh...Oh, here's something.

"I have a vexing dilemma
of a personal nature.

"There is a young woman
working here,

"taking a year off

"from the Illinois School
for the Female,

"with whom I have,

"to put it in the most
direct terms possible,

had relations with."

Oh, my God!

Lincoln had an affair
with an intern!

- Not possible.
- Really?

I don't know a lot
about American history,

but can you even
get elected

if you're not
a horny bastard?

This is huge.

This could be
in every history book

from this day forward.

That's right.

And I'll be the media darling
who released it.

Good-bye, Mrs. Ladypants.

We are the knights
who say, "ni!"

You must bring us a shrubbery.

Wow, a sexy girl
who can quote Monty Python.

You should ride with me
sometime, English Rose.

Oh, I'd love that.

Wow.

What?

Oh, I-I'm just touching
my breasts.

Wow, they're so soft.

I can't stop playing
with them.

Hello? Hello?

Kerouac Cowboy?
Come on back!

Breaker, breaker, looking
for the Kerouac Cowboy.

Come on back.

He's not answering.

How does this car info
thing work?

Stop poking my new car.

What are you trying
to find out?

How much farther it is
to the truck stop

he was passing
when he crashed.

Entune, find the Buckeye
Trucker Cafe.

It says our destination
is in 0.8 miles.

Wow, that's amazing.

Entune, is the Kerouac Cowboy
my destiny?

It's not a magic 8 ball.

It just finds things
you need.

"The nearest psychiatric
facility is in 20 miles."

See?

We just passed the cafe.

And there's the truck.

Doesn't look too bad.

Oh, I guess I'm actually
going to meet him.

I'm nervous.
How do I look?

Like an idiot.

Take that bra off.
You don't need it.

But I want to appear
as advertised.

Don't sell yourself short.

You're gorgeous
just the way you are.

Wow.

Thanks, Elka.

I know you pretend
not to like me,

but deep down,
you really do.

Oh, yeah--oh.

Oh, my God, Elka!
What did you do to me?

I didn't ask you
to hug me,

you bony nitwit.

Here.

What do I do?

Maybe he won't notice.

Excuse me!
Kerouac Cowboy?

English Rose?
Is that you?

Yes. I was worried.
Are you all right?

Oh, just some damage
to the truck.

My CB went out.
Sorry about that.

Wow.

You look just like
I pictured.

So do you.

Wow.
You really do.

You sound surprised.

Well, I've been told
a lot of people exaggerate

on the CB.

Which is so okay to do

and actually expected
and applauded.

You're funny.

Like Scarlett Johansson.

I get that a lot.

You've, uh, got a thread.
May I?

What the hell?

I'm sorry.

I was just trying
to live up to my description.

Really? I crashed my truck
for breasts made of yarn.

Well, only one
is made of yarn.

The other's made of water.

I'm not as funny now,
am I?

I feel as fresh
as Mount Fuji.

For relaxing times,
make it Ladypant time.

Ozawa Industrial Brothers,

you are the friend
in my pants.

I'm going right now.

This is why I have to release
the letter.

I can't let this be
what people remember me for.

Granted, it's embarrassing.
But don't you see?

You're doing to Lincoln
what Ladypants is doing to you.

You're ladypants-ing Lincoln.

Yeah, but he won't mind.
He's dead.

And as Lincoln himself said,

"life is for the living."

I don't think
Lincoln said that.

Oh, everyone said that
at some point.

I'm sure he did too.

But your life isn't over.

You still have time
to do great things

that will overshadow
that commercial.

Do not sell yourself short.

It's just a commercial.
It doesn't define you.

Oh, yeah? Well, tell that
to Mr. whipple

and the "Where's the beef?" lady
and the Tidy Bowl man.

You know the actor
in that boat

graduated from Juilliard.

Really?

Oh, how should I know?

I'm sorry I lied.

I know it's silly,
but ever since high school,

I thought that bigger boobs
were the thing

that would make
my life perfect.

Yeah, I don't know.

Girls I knew in high school
with boobs that big

just ended up
getting knocked up.

I did get knocked up
in high school.

See? Didn't need the boobs.

Still don't.

I would've run off the road
for those legs.

Those are real, right?

One of them.

I'm kidding.

Oh, it's so crazy.

I wore this thing
all day

and strutted around
with so much confidence.

I walked into an auto shop
like I owned the place

and talked to you on the CB
like I'd had three vodkas,

when I'd only had two.

You know,
it was that confidence

that kept me talking to you
for three hours.

So I guess
what you're saying is,

the boobs gave me confidence,

but the boobs were inside me
all along.

You are full
of interesting imagery.

So what do we do now?

Well, how about dinner
sometime?

Sure. When?

Next October.

In October?

Well, that's the next time

I'm gonna be rolling
through Cleveland.

But we do have a few hours
of moonlight left tonight.

I'll drink to that.

I forgot.

I left a 90-year-old woman
in the car.

Really?

Should you be sitting here
drinking beer with me?

I cracked a window.

So you couldn't talk Victoria
out of it?

No.
But you know what?

Maybe there's another way
to look at it.

Maybe history just needs to be
the truth,

warts and all.

But we need our heroes.

When people in Washington
don't live up

to our expectations,

we have Lincoln
to look up to.

All that would be gone.

Well said, Artie.

You know, your love of Lincoln
is inspiring.

I'd like to come sit in
on some of your lectures.

Sometimes I like to go
to the Lincoln Memorial

and climb up on his lap
and pretend I'm a baby.

Or I could just read a book.

Excuse me, I'm Lauren Barry
from 60 Minutes.

Oh, hi, I'm Melanie Moretti.
This is Professor Firestone.

Nice to meet you.

Sorry I'm late.
I'm Victoria Chase.

Oh, that Victoria Chase.

I didn't put
two and two together.

You're Mrs. Ladypants.

My three-year-old
runs around saying,

"I love freshness
of crotch."

Sounds like
a delightful child.

I'm sorry.
Did I say something wrong?

Oh, it's just that I have been
an actress for 35 years,

and it's frustrating
that all the good work I've done

has been obliterated
by this one embarrassing thing.

You see, I didn't know
they were going to air it

in the United States.

Well, that's a shame.

Unfortunately, once it's out
there, it's out there.

Hm.

That's true, isn't it?

And speaking
of getting things out there,

I'm dying see
the letter,

the Lincoln myth shattered.

This is explosive stuff.

Uh, look.

I-I'm sorry
to have to tell you this,

but I'm afraid
I have terrible news.

Uh, the letter is gone.

What?

I'm a little confused here.

What's going on?

Well, the letter got in
with a load of whites

that I was doing,

and now it's nothing more
than a little laundry ball

of 150-year-old paper.

Seriously?

We can't go through
with the story

with no evidence.

Oh, I understand.

I am a newswoman
as well.

You're a newswoman,

and they let you do
those diaper commercials?

Well, Leslie Stahl does
those metamucil commercials.

- Really?
- Well, how should I know?

Why don't you ask
your three-year-old?

Good-bye, Lauren.

Here, Artie.
Do with it as you will.

Oh!

I knew it!

I got suspicious
when you said you did laundry.

I totally improv-ed that
whole thing about the whites.

I mean, you were right,
Melanie.

I was ladypants-ing Lincoln.

And unlike him, I do have time
to change my story.

Besides, hasn't he suffered
enough at the hands of actors?

Neither of us finds that
funny, Melanie.

Sorry. It's hot in here.

Oh, now I get it.

You're as funny
as Scarlett Johansson.

I have a major announcement.

I just received a text
from my agent,

and Lifetime is eager
to hear my pitch

for the Lifetime Original Movie,
Abe And The Babe...

A fictional account of America's
first intern scandal.

And I'm attached as the
seductive 19-year-old intern.

Well, people aged
differently then.

- That's great.
- Congratulations.

Thank you.

And see? I was right.

Your story does have
more chapters.

And you were right
as well, old one.

After dinner, I'm returning
the water bras I bought.

Oh, Joy,
are you speeding again?

No, I'm not doing anything.

Actually, they're after me.

What? Why?

Well, I'm still kind of
test-driving this Prius.

You've had it for a week.
That's not a test-drive.

I'm gonna buy it.

I'm driving a stolen car?

Just be cool.

Slap on one of those
water bras.

You're the one who told me
I didn't need the bra.

For dating.

This is grand theft auto.

Slap on the bra.