Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 21 - Some Like it Hot - full transcript

And action.

Am I the only one
that hears that?

- No.
- It's really loud.

It's that fan right there.

It's just another fan.

It takes a lot of people
to put on a TV show.

This is not just four ladies
getting onstage

and talking
and making people laugh.

And yours was so bad,

I'm using them
as place mats under our tea.

Uh, "yours stunk so bad."



But I hate the word
"stink" and "stunk" and--

Is there another word
you'd prefer?

Uh, [Bleep].

This is a sweet family
we have going here,

and we are so grateful to be
working at the thing we love.

All right, guys.

We'd love to start
the show in five minutes.

The tone comes
from the top,

from the writers
and the producers.

It's just such
a great environment

because it becomes a family.

I think we're ready.

- We ready?
- Oh, okay.

There's just
a natural rapport



between us that is so precious,
and believe me,

we've all been around
the world enough to know

how precious it is.

We have a--

we have a really cool--

we're doing our own little
reality Kardashian thing here,

it seems.

No.

But we're, doing a little
behind-the-scenes thing

for all of you guys
to see eventually on TV Land.

It's, uh, what it takes to put
a show on every week,

and boy, did they pick
a good week to come.

♪ Hey ♪

We all set?
Here we go.

4,780 calories.
How far will we have to run?

550 Miles.
885 kilometers.

I'm not running anywhere
until I give birth to this--

I'm not running anywhere
until I give birth

to this chili bump.

And when we come in
on mondays,

we all take our positions
at the table

and it's filled
with the writers,

the producers,
the network.

And we take a stab at it.

"You set me up with a priest?"

"No, no, he's giving up the
priesthood effective Friday."

"Just to date me?"

"Well, no, the timing
is a lucky coincidence.

"He no longer believes
it's his calling.

God's loss is your gain.
He's really cute."

First time you always read it
out loud on Monday,

it's different.

I'll read something,
and I'll think

I'll know how someone's
going to say it,

and it inevitably
is totally different

when I hear
the different people do it.

We are going to have

an excellent time.

Oh, what a night.

Tuesdays are when we get down
to the nitty-gritty,

and we actually get it up
on its feet,

and we show the producers
and the writers

how we've staged it and
how the director has staged it.

Action.

And step and step and pose.
Bored look to the audience.

And Jolie the leg.

We're more of a
rehearsal-process kind of show,

where we will actually rehearse
without any cameras,

without any sound or without
any technical aspects,

just like we were doing a play,

for several days
until we get it right.

I just emailed him

a naked picture.

Uh-oh.

You-- um, I took one
while you were asleep.

I don't sleep naked.

I took some liberties.

The first couple of days,
we carry a script

because the lines keep changing.

But it's so much easier when
you can put your script down

and really play it.

If you like Lou--

no, that's not right,
Betty.

[Bleep].

God.

The writers try
to improve upon,

uh, the storyline
or make it funnier

or whatever it takes to get it
to the greatest place

it could possibly be.

We are constantly
getting feedback

on what's working
and what's not working

from the table read
to the tape night.

We just got rewrites
for the scene we just shot.

Our writers are the best.

People have no idea
how hard they work

and what they come up with,

and they make it funny
every single week.

He's coming back any minute,
so I got to go.

That's it!
We're having an intervention.

Joy, you have
to start drinking again.

Like life,

you're very hard to take
without alcohol.

I'm been bikini shopping.

- Oh, my God.
- Are you out of your mind?

Are you insane?

So he's blind and dull?

And by the end of it,
he's going to wish he was deaf.

Uh--

up-- up high.

Oh, God.
We're losing her.

Medic!

You're not helping me.

We all appreciate
each others' senses of humor.

And everybody's kind
of a wise guy on the set.

So we like to sort
of send each other up.

It's important especially

in a comedy to keep
the atmosphere light

and fun and happy.

And it's just a blessing
to come to the set every day

because you can be having
the worst day,

and somebody will
make you laugh.

This is like My Fair Lady.

Eliza Doolittle me.

I'm a good girl, I am.

I'm a good girl, I am.
I'm a good girl, I am.

We have so much fun
doing the show that

I honestly have a hard time

staying up here at my desk
and working

and not running down
to play in their rehearsals.

In fact,
I get yelled at by the actors

to get the hell out of there,
so they can do some work.

That's how much fun
they're having

and how much fun it is
to be around all of them.

We're up a level
on the second floor.

We're lucky that
we can look down on them,

both emotionally and physically.

Physically.

Sweats, pizza, and wine.

It's like the cover
of Giving Up magazine.

Maybe Roy could talk to Andy
and subtly let him know him

that he should wear pants,

so we don't have
to see his-- his--

100-acre wood?

What's up, yo--

What's up, y'all?

Joy Scroggs in the hizzy.

Maybe I should move there.

Move to the midwest?

Good God, I'd rather die.

Who are you?

"Good God, I'd rather die."

You're Lady Winchester.

Maybe they're just going
to snap out of it.

Yeah, but we can't
count on that.

I mean, I've had marriages
that I didn't snap out of

until two marriages later.

And I've had marriages
I haven't been able

to snap out of for-- till--

I've had marriages that I
haven't been able to snap out of

until two marriages
further down the pike.

I've had marriages
I couldn't snap out of

until two marriages later.

You're gonna go
with that one?

No.

Okay.

It's not going to get
any better than that.

This is an enormous group

of people that it takes to pull
this together every week.

♪ ♪

We have a very happy crew.

You know,
we all love each other a lot.

From everybody
from craft service

to props,
to the cameramen.

You walk by a cameraman,

and he'll just pat you
on the shoulder, and it's just--

on the shoulder.

And it's just a delight.

They are the best barometer

of whether we're doing
our job or not.

When the crew laughs,
we know

that we have something good
going on.

Every department has a lot
of pride in what they do.

They have as much a stake in it
as the cast and the writers,

so there's really a sense

of everybody wanting
to do their best work.

Oh, please.

You can't just reach
into a stranger's--

Sure you can, like this.

Ah!

The first think you do
when you get the new script

is look at the guest list
and see who the guest star is.

Ding-dong.

Who could that be?

Elka! Anka!

There'll be a long week
there while you get

a lot of open arms.

You look terrible.

TV Land is for TV watchers,

so TV watchers,
more than anything, appreciate

of television.

Hello, Victoria.

Oh, Lucci.

Hey, you two.

How many lesbians does it take
to make me a sandwich?

I think we must have
a pretty good reputation

amongst our guest stars because
we-- we don't seem to have

any trouble getting
great, great people.

It's so tiny.

Okay, that's not the best
thing to say to a man

who just took off his pants.

I adore Georgia Engel so much

on The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

And she came in,
and she was just wonderful.

I have an idea.
We could read them our play.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Damn! Georgia,
I wish you'd get it right!

We have had just so many old
friends and great people.

You know, John Mahoney
who I was married to on Frasier

when I was Jane's mother-in-law.

She loves to tell people that.

And Jon Lovitz who is one
of the funniest human beings

I've ever worked with.

If I only could dance
my way into her heart

and sweep her off her feet.

But alas,

I can neither dance nor sweep.

One of the fun things
is the comfort of knowing

it's okay to screw up
because you just take it again.

Would you mind?

And out of those moments
of screwing up,

come these brilliant
laughing fits

that can only happen out of
pure mistakes and pure improv.

You're saying that
you won't clap for me?

Absolutely not.

I can give a terrific salute.

Double-finger guns with
a boop-boop-boop--

Unfortunately, the only thing
horny about Moses

is his face.

It's got to come down.

Here?

Where are your boobs?
Call security!

They'll find them.

Everyone, check
under the tables.

Whoo-hoo.

- Thank you, honey.
- You're welcome.

So here we are,
it's show day,

and I'm on my way to work
in my little cart.

We're probably
about an hour away

before I'm supposed
to be onstage.

I love the studio.

The convenience,
the nice people that work there.

Yeah, I got it good.

Thanks.

Here we are
on the CBS Radford lot.

Oops, sorry.

I should learn
how to slow down.

And we are, right in front
of Melanie's dressing room.

My second home.

You thought we were all
natural beauties, didn't you?

No, I think I've been here
long enough now.

I know.

When we get to show day,

it's really fun

because the audience really
is the finishing touch.

Hi.

I would compare it to sports.

You know,
you practice all week long,

you know, and then you put
your uniform on,

the crowd's there,
and it's game night.

Yes?

Wendie,
we're ready for you onstage.

- Oh, already?
- Yes.

That's nice.

On audience night, you just
can feel the butterflies.

Oh, my family's here tonight.

We have Michael Burger up there
warming up the audience.

Anybody here
from North Dakota?

- North Dakota?
- Hey!

Really? Dumbest state I've
ever been in in my life.

I'm not going to lie to you.

Give me
a little something there.

Maybe it was me.

I'm in north Dakota,
I pull into the service station,

I say, "how do you get
to South Dakota?"

The guy looks at me and goes,
"my brother takes me."

They make such a difference,
the audience.

They come in, ready to laugh,
ready to enjoy.

I get nervous on show night.

I think--but I think it's
the adrenaline that kicks in.

It's just like
being in the theater,

and there's something about that
that we all kind of live for.

You can just clean up after.

I have to faint at least
three times before showtime.

Especially now that I'm going
to be his wife.

- Oh, my God.
- I give it two months.

- He's got three months to live.
- I know.

All righty.

Shall you meet this cast here,
Hot in Cleveland?

Are you ready?

Okay, showtime.

Let's sprint.

Once the audience comes in,

you sort of rely on
that a little bit

because everything becomes
bigger and louder

and really buoys
your performance up.

Thank you, everyone,
for being here.

You're a really important part
of our show

because you are our laughter,
so what you find funny,

and when you laugh,
it gets recorded,

and then that's
what you hear on TV.

So thanks for being here.

And have a great time.
Here we go.

We have a little huddle
that just goes on.

It's like one for all
and all for one.

And then we have a couple
of jokes that I can't tell you.

And then--but that
just gets us all together

before we go out
and do the show.

When people come
and join the audience,

they're stunned that
it doesn't take a half an hour.

It's like, why does it take
three or four hours?

- From the top.
- You know what?

You're doing a good thing,
Joy.

I mean, having you for a wife
will make dying a lot easier.

I'm an enigma,

wrapped inside a conundrum,

shrouded in dimples.

Joan Rivers, everybody!

The worst feeling is when
nobody's saying their lines

and you're wondering,
do I have a line here?

- Is it me?
- Is it my line?

There's nothing like it.

It's the heart of show business.

A lot of times people say

one of their favorite things
about coming to a taping

is when we screw up

because they're there
for the real thing, you know?

And unfortunately,
we screw up quite a bit,

so we have a lot for them
to appreciate.

Now we are four
intelligent women.

- Hmm.
- I'm sure that we can--

I'm sure that we can come up
with something--

We had a little moment.
Unexpected moment.

Is Victoria trying
to iron again?

She's reat--
why can't I speak today?

Because you're British.

That's--

It's delightfully
well-written, and it's punchy.

It's delightfully
well-written,

and what the hell is it?

It was an honor
and a privilege

to be her live-in nurse.

Murderer!

..,shot here.

From there we're going
to go from "murderer."

What?

And I'll pretend
to fly to Hollywood,

and then he'll leave
and take this unlovable,

annoying monster with him.

- [Bleep] you.
- What?

You know what.

I love when we
get to be silly,

which we do quite
a bit on this show.

It's fun.

It's fun for us,
and it's fun for the audience

to see us absolutely fall
to pieces laughing.

And action.

Why do I smell bananas?

Oh, I lit my monkey candle.

But a monkey doesn't smell
like bananas.

Do you want it to smell
like burning monkeys?

But a monkey doesn't
smell like a banana.

Tell me, do you want it
to smell like a burning monkey?

Okay.

- I think-- I think we got it.
- What?

What should I say? I mean, what if
she asks if I have a girlfriend?

Well, tell her you do.

Who would I get to pretend
to be my girlfriend?

And cut.

What's nice over time
is getting to know everybody

that you work with, and by now,
season three,

you start to build a family.

Everybody counts on each other
to make every week

the greatest week we can
possibly make it.

We started out
saying that

we didn't want
to work with anybody.

That wasn't having fun,

and these people came in
having a lot of fun.

And we just got
to be a part of it.

We've been on now for--
this is our third season.

And we literally miss each other

when we're off
for a week's hiatus.

And none of that is forced.

We really like it when it's a
scene with just the four of us.

And we get down to, you know,
us and the heart.

I don't know how you can
hold out till the 12th date.

I never could.

Like you ever had a 12th date.

What are you doing with that
dried-up old thing?

It's my wedding bouquet.

I was talking
to the bouquet.

But it's my magic dress.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

Honey badger don't give
a [Bleep].

Somebody that we adore so much
is turning 90 on Tuesday.

I tell everybody
that will listen

that I work on the happiest set
I've ever worked on

in 63 years in this business.

But you abuse the privilege.

We're all family, and we're
all in this together,

and we all have
each other's backs,

and we all look out
for each other.

I can't imagine working
any other way.

♪ ♪

Everyone I've talked to
who's ever come on our show,

they are always like, "wow,
you guys have the real deal."

♪ ♪

So we're going to start
with Betty's line, right?

- Yes.
- Okay. Bitch.

To be able to do the thing
you love and get paid for it

and hang out with people
you like every day

is just such a gift,
and I think

probably the older you get,
the more you appreciate it.

♪ ♪