Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 17 - Claus, Tails & High-Pitched Males: Birthdates 3 - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

[Door rattles]

Bless me father,
for I have sinned.

It's been three months
since my last confession.

And what is your sin,
my child?

Well, I--I lied.

I told my friend Joy

that I had a great guy
to fix her up with,

but, really,
I have no one.

Well, you should
be honest with her.

If she's truly a friend,
she'll forgive you.



No, father,
you don't understand.

Instead of celebrating
our birthdays,

we have this annual thing
called birth dates,

where my friends and I
set each other up.

It's kind of a tradition
for us.

Well, that sounds enjoyable.

[Laughs]
Yeah, it does.

But it's not.

The dates are usually
disasters.

Between the conjoined twins,
the guy with breasts,

and the man I thought
was Jesus.

I--I mean, that--
That one was great.

Well, a lot of people
experience sadness

on their birthdays.



I've noticed that
the older nuns

often experience
a certain melancholy

when we take them to Arby's
on their special day.

See, I don't want my friend
to feel like the nuns at Arby's.

But she's not
making this easy.

She's been very specific
about not wanting

anyone with baggage or--
Or weird stuff in their past.

Say, listen, uh...

Do you happen to have
a picture of her?

You set me up
with a priest?

No, no.
No, no, no.

He's giving up
the priesthood.

He no longer believes
it's his calling.

So...God's loss
is your gain.

Wow, so his first date ever
will be with Joy?

[Laughter]

Shouldn't he go on
one of the kiddie rides first?

You're gonna love him.

He's a really great guy.

He puts the Communion wafer
on your tongue

with such assurance.

So strong, yet so tender.

I think you might
have to be catholic

for that to be hot.

Although... with no prior
romantic experience,

he's gonna need someone
to help him...

Guide him, mold him
into exactly what she wants.

[Laughs]

It's almost too easy.

And how's the hunt
for my date going?

Oh, trust me, Victoria,

I have found
the perfect person for you.

Physically perfect, right?

Not that "beautiful
on the inside" nonsense.

I promise,
you're gonna be thrilled.

I better be.

So, Elka,
what kind of a man

would you like me
to find for you?

You know how
last year

all I wanted
was a billionaire?

And you learned
your lesson, hmm?

Yes, I learned my lesson.

I want another billionaire.

Well, I'm all set.

Remember when we saw
Jersey Boys,

and I thought the guy that
played Frankie Valli

was so cute.

Well, Elka somehow
got me a date with him.

I just emailed him
a naked picture.

- Of...
- You.

I-- took it
while you were asleep.

I don't sleep naked.

I took some liberties.

Oh, no.

Elka, I just got a text
from your billionaire.

He--He can't make it.

Really? Why?

Well, I guess
he was somewhat involved

in a drug cartel.

Drug cartel?

Did you do any research
at all?

Seriously? A billionaire
who wants to date a 90-year-old?

First "yes" you get,
you go, "okay."

But, Elka, this I vow:

I will not rest until
I find you the perfect date.

Hey, is anybody here
over 80?

Oh! Well...

There you go.

Lucky for you
I like facial hair.

I mean on men.

Hey, what's going on
over there?

Oh, I think
I know what's happening.

Oh, Captain!

[Gasps]
Captain Lebeau?

[Chuckles]

[French accent]
Victoria...Look at you.

You're a ten if by land
and a ten if by sea.

Oh, well.

Does that make any sense?

Does it matter?

So, uh, ahem,

where are you from?

Oh, up North.

Canada?

A little farther north
than that.

I have a rather large toy
distribution center up there.

It's a seasonal business.

Father Brian!

Oh.

- Oh, he's cute.
- Yeah.

Joy, this is father Brian.

Oh, it's just Brian.

As of two hours ago!

Here, I got this for you.

Oh, a-- a wrist corsage.

Oh, it's wrong,
isn't it?

I'm sorry.
My last date was Junior Prom.

Is there a
Mrs. seasonally-based toymaker?

There was,
but we're taking a break.

Oh, I get it.

My Max and I have
what we call a...

An area code relationship.

What's that?

Well, when we're
in the same area code,

we're faithful.

But if he's off gallivanting
with those whores in Boca...

I get to have my fun.

Oh! Oh.

[Laughing] Oh, oh, ho.

Ho ho ho.

Well, you're a playful
little elf, aren't you?

Hi, Jimmie.

I'm Melanie.
I--I--

I loved you in Jersey Boys.

And I just want to say
I'm very embarrassed

that friend
sent that picture to you.

[High, squeaky voice]
Ah, don't worry about it.

I thought you
looked fantastic.

[Laughs]

What?

Well, I know you sing
in a high pitch,

but is that how you--

I lower my voice
for the speaking performance,

but it's really bad

[lower voice]
If I do it all the time.

[High voice]
I get nodes. Ahem.

And we're sure
that's worse?

Well, this is...
The way I talk.

Is-- Is that gonna
be a problem?

No! No, not at all.

I love it.

We are going to have
an excellent time.

[Piercing]
Oh, what a night!

No, you're perfect.

A perfect specimen of a man.

Well, everyone has
an imperfection.

You know, freckle, mole.

A tail.

A what?

A freckle on my back,
from the sun.

I swab the deck shirtless.

No, no, no, no.

What was that last thing
you said?

A tail?

I have a tail.
You know...

A tail.

Am I using the right
English word?

Oh, God, I hope not.

So you've never been
with a woman before?

No.

I feel so clueless
about everything.

All I know is what
I've heard from people

who think it's a good idea
to go to a celibate guy

for advice
on their sex life.

Are you saying you're looking
for someone to help you?

Guide you?
Mold you?

Well, that would
be fantastic.

Well, if you want to be
the best lover on the planet,

listen to every single thing
the woman says

and spend lots and lots of time
doing those things.

Really?

Because that is not how
I hear it described

in confession.

Well, forget everything
you've heard in confessional.

Look to me for guidance.

Oh, I truly feel I can.

Oh, Joy...
You're the most beautiful,

fascinating creature
God ever made.

- Oh, my.
- I'm sorry.

Is that a normal thing to say
on a first date?

Yep, totally normal.

Keep 'em coming.

I did Jersey Boys
for the money.

But what really feeds
my soul is volunteering.

Really?
So what do you do?

I just got back
from volunteering

from a depressed town
in northeastern Namibia.

Totally wiped out by a flood.

The water kept getting
higher...

And higher...

Can I get you guys
anything else to drink?

Sherry?

Sherry, baby?

A vestigial tail.

That really exists?

My mother always said
it made me special.

Oh.

- But enough about the tail.
- Mm.

I only have two days
in Cleveland.

How should we spend this brief
but magnificent time together?

Well, let's see, um...

You know, there are some
fabulous restaurants.

And then, of course, there's
the Rock and Roll Hall of--

Okay, the tail.
Just tell me how long it is.

I--I really need to know.
I'm picturing it like--

Like the nub of a boxer.

I have no nub.

I'm a grown man.

I have a grown man's tail.

He has a tail!

Now, how could we
not know this?

Well, I never got that far
with him on the boat.

Nor were there any flies
to whap away.

[Laughter]

I'm glad that you all
find this so amusing.

I'm sorry,
it just feels so good

to be able to laugh.

My date sounds
like Mickey Mouse,

and I'm having a hard time
keeping it together

every time he talks.

[Squeaky voice]
Excuse me.

Do you know where
the little boy's room is?

That's him.

How am I supposed
to deal with that?

Alright,
here's what you do.

Now, whenever
I felt like I was about

to ruin a scene
by laughing,

I would bite
the inside of my mouth.

I once lost a large
chunk of cheek

when I was doing Love Letters
opposite ESPN's Chris Berman.

Well, my date
is going great.

He finds me so irresistible.

He's giving up
the priesthood for me.

Like in The Thorn Birds.

Well, my date...

Is Santa Claus.

You mean, he looks like
Santa Claus?

No, I think
he is Santa Claus.

But things aren't
going so well for him.

He and Mrs. Claus
are taking a break.

It-- oh, it's a whole thing.

And what makes you think
he's Santa?

Look, I'm not crazy.

Everything he says
points straight to it.

I'll get him to admit it.
You just wait.

Elka, you have
a very active imagination.

However, may I
remind everyone

that my date has a tail.

Yeah, now, is it a big tail,
or is it more like a stub?

He's a grown man...

[Crying]
It's a grown man's tail.

[Chuckles softly
and sighs]

[Fork clanks on floor]

Oh, I am so sorry.

No problem.

- Santa...
- Yes?

I knew it!

You are Santa Claus.

All right.
Okay, okay.

Not so loudly.

Yeah, but what
are you doing?

Why are you here?

Well, if you must know,

I--I like Cleveland.

I fit in.

I've decided to move here
and open a chipotle.

Chipotle?

Yeah, you know,
great burritos,

- organic ingredients...
- I know what chipotle is.

But what about you
being Santa?

Well, frankly,
I've had enough of it.

You try carrying around
the burden of knowing

who's naughty and who's nice.

It's too much for one man.

Well,
you take this bar here.

Naughty.

Real naughty.

What about me?

Well, you're just
naughty enough.

Oh, Santa.

[Laughs]

And, finally,
the golden rule

is the three-second rule.

What's that?

It means you can't
look at another woman

for more than three seconds.

Well, why would I do that
when I'm looking at you?

That does sound crazy.

Yeah.

But some men--

Bad men--
Like to scope out

all the other women
in the room.

Really?
I wonder why.

I think I might
be a bad man.

No! You're not
a bad man.

Stop looking!

Wow. I am breaking
Matthew 5:28

all over the place.

I mean, look at those legs.

Yes, look at them!

Although, I don't know.
Maybe I'm not a leg man.

Maybe I'm into
something else.

No, no-- you're
definitely a leg man.

I've been giving Communion
to that?

So, tell me,
have you ever thought of...

Having it removed?

You Americans.

You always want to have
plastic surgery

to get rid of any
tiny imperfection.

This is not how
we do it in France.

No, but in your
circumstance--

It is said that the most
beautiful woman in the world--

Catherine Deneuve--
has a tail.

What?

You know the saying.

"You wouldn't kick
Catherine Deneuve out of bed

for wagging her tail."

No.

Well...

In French, it rhymes.

And it's a little bit
more clever.

So what do you plan on doing
when Jersey Boys is over?

Actually,
I'm auditioning

for a production
of Richard III.

Really?
I love Shakespeare.

Really?
Well, then...

[Clears throat]
Oh, gosh.

Now is the Winter
of our Discontent.

Made glorious summer
by this son of York.

And all the clouds
that lour'd upon our house...

And then I introduced him
to scoping,

and he scoped out
Melanie's breasts.

They are having
a good night tonight.

I mean, rude!

I was so close to creating
the perfect man.

There's no such thing, Joy.

Even God takes a perfect man
and slaps a tail on him.

So how's it going
on your date, Elka?

Oh, not well.

I mean, he's admitted
he is Santa,

but he wants
to quit his job.

Well, he can't do that.

We don't have anything
if we don't have Santa.

And we all need
a little magic in this world.

We do need magic.

You're gonna have
to go out there

and save Christmas, Elka.

You have never
been so right.

Thank you, Victoria.

Okay, crazy lady's gone.

And I have
an announcement to make.

The Captain is not interested
in losing his tail,

and I have decided
to respect his choice.

Well, that's very
grown up of you.

Hey, listen, I've gone out
with my share of men

who I would rate
a six at best.

Going into this date,
Captain Lebeau is a 10.

And the tail, ah, maybe
knocks him down to an eight.

So does it wag
when he's happy,

or get all fluffy
when he's scared?

It isn't furry, Melanie.

I don't think.

He's an eight!

You need to keep doing good
to inspire good in the world.

There already is
good in the world.

Chipotle is good.

Okay, Santa.

I really need you
to forget chipotle

and listen to me.

All right.

When I was a--
a child in Poland,

I mean, my family had
had a particularly hard year.

We didn't expect any presents
for Christmas.

But... somehow, there were.

Well, that was my job.

I mean, there weren't
millions of gifts.

But the fact that you came
at all meant everything to us.

To me.

Oh...Elka...

Hello, Melanie.

Where are you going?

Oh, I just have to
ask Melanie a question.

Why?

Don't worry, Joy.

I'm still in love with you.

I'm just also in love
with your breasts.

Not cool, dude!

Not cool!

[Laughing]

Am I funny?

I make you laugh?

I'm sorry, but,
yes, you do.

And, uh, could you say,
"Oh, no, Mr. Bill," for me?

[Laughing]

Jimmy, please--

I am gonna waste your ass--

Gentlemen, stop!

Sir, you came here
with one woman.

And this is who
you will stay with.

I would never
talk to another woman

when I'm fortunate enough
to be in the presence of

beautiful Victoria Chase.

He just got bumped up
to a nine.

And you, sir, yes,

you have a silly voice
that people laugh at.

But you should be
proud of yourself...

No matter your shortcomings.

I, myself, have--

A beautiful face!

And, really, nothing else
really matters, does it?

Great speech.
Come on.

[Laughing]
Well, that was entertaining.

I...

Excuse me, miss.

Do you know what happened
to the gentleman

who was sitting here?

Who, Eric?
I don't know.

Maybe he went back
to the homeless shelter.

- Oh...
- Oh, he's off his rocker.

You know, he told
a waitress here

that he was Santa.

Crazy old dude.

Listen, missy,

that kind of name calling

won't get you
off the naughty list

anytime soon.

I'm sorry
I got carried away.

I'll always think of you
as my first, Joy.

Until you actually
have your first,

and then you really won't.

So I... guess my voice
is too ridiculous.

I'm so sorry
I hurt your feelings.

I'm very immature.

Melanie...

Let's just say

every night on stage,

I sing, Big Girls Don't Cry.

But tonight, well,

this big boy...

Actually might.

[Deeper voice] You'll never know
what you missed.

Well, now I want you back.

- [High voice] Really?
- No.

Okay.

So...

Would you like to go back
to my hotel room?

Aye aye, Captain.

Wonderful.

Let's see
what we have here.

You have the salmon.

Two glasses of wine.

And, let's face it,
most of the mushroom caps.

I think you owe
$37 to my $32.

What?

Now, I was willing
to take the tail.

But being cheap, ho ho,

that takes you
down to a five.

And I...
will not date a five.

So what have we learned
on our special day?

That this was
a terrible idea.

Happy Birthday.

You know, maybe we should
just forget

fixing each other up
with men

and enjoy
each other's company.

Right?
[Gasps]

Ooh! Hot firemen.

But...You just gave
that whole speech about--

Shut up, Joy.

Hello, hero.

Hello, ladies.

Can we buy you a drink?

Yeah. Thank you.