Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 16 - Everything Goes Better with Vampires - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Just wanted
to make sure it was working.

It's working.

Glad something is.

I don't come
to your place of business

and bother you.

You're our maid.

I'm on break.

Wow,
that is some wat.

Are those real diamonds?

Yes. Thank you.



Must be nice.

Melanie,
you have got to fire our maid.

No, I'm not going
to fire Jacki.

I've never fired anyone.
You do it.

I can't.
I'm a celebrity.

We all saw The Help.

A cautionary tale
that when you fire maids,

they write tell-all books.

That's the message
you got from that movie?

Well, that and the devastating
and lasting effects

of Southern humidity
on your hair.

I know.

We'll get Joy to do it.

Uh, no.
Won't work.



Jacki says she can't
understand Joy's accent.

Anyway,
who are we going to find

to replace her?

Couldn't you just clean up
after yourselves?

Elka, we are not
in the mood for jokes.

Actually, you should
be the one to fire her.

When we moved in here,

you said that you were
the caretaker of the house.

Hasn't that ship sailed?

Shh,
I think the TV went off.

She might be coming in here.

Oh, Jacki,
while you're up there,

would you mind changing
the sheets on my bed?

I'm sorry,
I don't speak your language.

One of you has got
to fire her.

Oh, Joy,
you look so pretty.

Thanks.

Rick Springfield is
picking me up any minute.

Oh, honey,
is it really Rick Springfield

or just another guy that
you think

looks like Rick Springfield?

Like pudgy Rick Springfield,

or black Rick Springfield,

or psycho Rick Springfield

who tried to choke you
in your sleep?

He had night terrors.

Waking up next to you
who wouldn't.

Look, it really is him.

I was downtown shopping,
and I saw someone

who looked
like Rick Springfield,

so I chased him
for a few blocks, as one does.

Yeah, we remember.

That's how you met rasta
Rick Springfield.

But this time
it really is him.

He's only in town
for one night.

Some rock and roll hall
of fame thing.

Oh, this date has
to go perfectly

so I can live out
my high school fantasy.

Not graduating
in a maternity dress?

No.

To sleep with Rick Springfield,

which I plan on doing tonight.

And I don't care
how sleazy that sounds.

Oh, my God,
that's him.

Prepared
to be shocked and awed.

Hi, everybody.

Well, she's closer
than Chinese Rick Springfield.

Girls, you remember
my friend, Mamie Sue.

Yes, hi.

So Elka tells us
that you two are writing

a radio play together again
for the senior center?

Yes, this year we're adapting
Gone With The Wind.

I know radio plays
are a little old-fashioned,

but we have so much fun
writing them.

We sure do.

Although the pages you wrote
last night were total crap.

Well,
yours were so bad,

I'm using them
as placemats under our tea.

Oh, you made tea.

Yes.
Come on.

Now that's got to be him.

Prepare to be shocked and awed.

- Hey, Joy.
- Hey.

Oh, my God.
You're Rick Springfield.

Yeah, didn't
she tell you I was coming?

Yeah, but Joy has met
with so many guys who look--

These are my friends,
Melanie and Victoria.

- Hi, Rick.
- Hello.

Loved your work on
General Hospital.

Oh,
thanks a lot.

Hey, is there
a rest room I can use?

Down the hall to the left.

Oh, Melanie,
that one's broken.

Uh, use the one in my bedroom,
right at the top of the stairs.

Thanks.
Nice to meet you.

- Yes, nice to meet you.
- Yeah.

That's so exciting.

Rick Springfield is going into
your bedroom right now.

I know.
Brilliant, right?

I mean, let's face it.

Look how nervous I am.

I would have made
a complete fool

of myself at dinner
and ruined everything.

So, you're still going
to sleep with him?

Why wouldn't I?

Well,
he's incredibly rude.

I mean,
when I complimented his acting,

that was his cue
to compliment my acting.

It's just common
celebrity courtesy.

Well, I'll go up there

and give him
a good tongue lashing.

Oh, it's Donald.

He's apologizing
for running late.

Or, as he puts it,

"Being dilatory."

I take it
from your tone of voice

you will not be misdirecting him
up to your bedroom?

Well,
at first I was flattered

that this big-time professor
found me interesting.

I mean, he's so smart.
He knows so many things.

So what's the problem?

It's exhausting.

I got tired
of hearing about

what things are
vis-a-vis other things.

It just makes me feel dumb.

And not sexy-dumb,
which I'm fine with.

Get out!

Don't just burst into my room
without knocking!

Hey,
is that Rick Springfield?

Must be nice.

Glad I didn't waste
my time changing those sheets.

And then
when Scarlett's father

gets thrown from his horse...

See, that sounds
just like a neck breaking.

I have an idea, too.

It'll help us appeal
to our younger audience.

It would be great to see

some 70-year-old butts
in the seats.

What is it?

One word: Vampires.

There aren't a vampires
in Gone With The Wind.

But there could be.

Vampires are all the rage.

For people who like
things that suck.

Which I don't,
including your idea.

The old biddy with no creative
vision says what?

I'm creative!

At least I don't wear
the same track suit every day.

Better than
an appliqué sweater

you can see from outer space.

Oh, cookies are done.

I doubled the recipe
so you can take some home.

Oh, you spoil me.

- Gorgeous legs.
- Hmm.

Thank you.

No, I was referring
to the wine.

Yours are quite comely.

Mm, what a nose.

Me or the wine?

Oh, my amusing poppet.

Ah...

That's just
how I dreamed of it.

We only met this morning.

Uh, I napped earlier today.

Oh...

Where's your scar?

What scar?

The scar
from your motorcycle accident.

1982,
I cried for a whole week.

What's going on here?

Uh...Oh.

Oh, wow.
I gotta go.

Call me.
867-5309.

That's Tommy Tutone.

No,
I'm pretty sure that was me.

Rick Springfield.

Well, I'm heading home.

Although, it doesn't
seem like much of a home

since my deadbeat husband
left me.

Well, take care.
See you next week.

Oh, uh,

somebody accidentally broke
your trophy while dusting.

Oh, my God!
You broke my Daytime Emmy?

Sit down, Julie.

It's Jacki.

I said sit down!

You can't put vampires
and Southern Belles together.

It's called a mash-up.

Everyone is doing it.

That's what you said

when you wanted me
to get a microwave.

Get a microwave.

It's 2012!

How well this wine

expresses
the terroir of the Dordogne.

Oh, brother.

Did you say something?

Look, Donald,
we've had a lot of fun.

And I do appreciate
the reading list.

Uh, but I just don't think
we're on the same page.

Oh, don't put yourself down
like that, Melanie.

Okay. Wasn't.

I just don't think
things are going to work out

between you and I.

You and me.

Oh, my God.

I'u trying to break up with you,

and you're correcting
my grammar.

What?
You'd rather be ignorant?

Hmm,
I would rather be alone,

so why don't you just go?

Gladly.

And to paraphrase Catullus--

Oh, get out!

Folks,
nothing to be alarmed about.

There was an armed robbery
in the area,

and we're imposing
a mandatory lockdown

until further notice.

But he can go, right?

Well, you can't fire me
because I quit!

I never want
to see you again!

That's still
too soon for me!

Get out of my sight,
you fake Rick Springfield!

- Out of my way--
- No, you can't leave.

There's a manhunt going on.

The police have ordered
everybody inside,

so nobody can go anywhere.

Well, this is awkward.

I can't believe it.

Not only I didn't I sleep
with Rick Springfield,

I don't even know the name
of the guy I did sleep with.

Not now, Joy.
Some of us have new problems.

Frankly,
I'm afraid for my life.

The police have it
under control.

Not from the criminal.

I'm scared of Jacki.

I fired one of the 99%,

and now she's occupying
our living room.

I bet Donald's our there
right now

judging us
for our lack of books.

We have books.

Yeah, but they're
coffee table books.

They're not fooling anyone.

We could be stuck here
for hours or days.

How are we going to kill time

without everybody
killing each other?

We could play charades.

This isn't some dinner party
gone flat.

No, it's eight people
trapped in a house

who can't stand each other.

Oh, so it's Thanksgiving.

All right, all right.

All right,
we are four intelligent women.

Now I'm sure that we can come up

with something a little
less lame than charades.

- Movie?
- Movie?

- Two words.
- Two words.

Is it The Lion King?

Yes!

Is it The Lion King?

Imitation is the highest form
of flattery.

Not in this case.

One point for
The Lion King.

Or in your case,
the lying king.

Somebody translate.

Well,
she's making a pun vis-a-vis

the celebrated animated feature,
The Lion King.

You know,
a lot of people regard puns

as a lower form of humor,

but Shakespeare would sometimes

put as many
as three in a single line,

so kudos to you, Joy.

Shut up, Poindexter.

Oh, I don't know this one.

Quelle surprise.

Must be mine.

"I wrote The Iliad
in the original Greek."

Read this
in the original Greek.

Bravo, Melanie.

I'm not cleaning that up.

Have you ever
cleaned anything up?

Oh, the duchess
of stick-up-her-butt

doesn't like the way I clean.

If you can talk like that,

you can understand
what I'm saying.

Anyone?

You're funny.

Shut up,
fake Rick Springfield.

Look,
my name is Tom Fontana.

Who's Rick Springfield?

You mean you've never heard
of Rick Springfield?

Sorry, I'm not up-to-date,
rappin' granny.

So you really just go around

pretending
to be Rick Springfield

and seducing women?

Yeah.

I mean,
women of a certain age.

You did not just say that.

What are
you guys so upset about?

So I guess the game's over?

Sorry about that, folks.
That was just a misfire.

The suspect is still at large,
so please remain inside.

Before you go, just curious.

What is the maximum penalty
for destroying an Emmy?

How many years
is she looking at?

Me?

She has like about a thousand
unpaid parking tickets.

Thank you so much, Officer.
We will remain vigilant.

Look, I am sorry
I broke your stupid Emmy.

But it was an accident.

I've been a little distracted
since my husband left.

I didn't know
you were married.

See,
this is the thing with you.

You don't know anything
about my life

because you don't think
I'm as important as you.

Oh, this is utterly,
completely...

Maybe true.

Oh, my God.
I'm the bad person in The Help.

But in fairness,
you are terrible at your job.

That's true.

But maybe it's a way
to keep a little dignity

and not feel like your slave.

Oh, that's why you pretend not
to understand me.

They come to our country.
They take our jobs.

The least they can do
is learn to speak the language.

I'm sorry, Jacki.

I will try to treat you
as an equal.

I've never treated anyone
as an equal,

but I will try.

Well, thanks.

I'm sorry, too.

Well?

What?

Well,
in the spirit of apologies

that seem to be in the air,

don't you owe me one?

Okay.
Okay, here's the deal.

I'm a tollbooth collector.

Want to sleep with me?

- Uh.
- Ah, I didn't think so.

It's not a job
that attracts women.

Every now and then,
a woman would tell me

I kind of look like
Rick Springfield.

So I grew my hair out
and copied his look

and women started throwing
themselves at me.

Isn't that rather shallow?

Said the woman
who just wanted

to sleep
with Rick Springfield?

I just wanted to live out
my teenage fantasy.

Me, too.

My teenage fantasy is
to sleep with a lot of women.

Can we look at this
as a win-win

I suppose.

Although
it's not very flattering

that you'll just sleep
with any woman

who comes up to you
on the street.

Not any woman.

I mean,
you're very attractive.

Has anyone ever told you
you look like Kate Beckinsale?

Yes!
All the time!

Yeah.

Actually, Melanie,
speaking of doppelgangers,

first time I saw you
at the coffee shop,

I remember being struck
by your resemblance

to Titian's
Venus of Urbino.

Well,
I'd be lying if I said

I wasn't flattered by that.

I'd also be lying if I said
I knew who that was.

A really hot Italian chick.

Oh, well, see,

why can't you talk
like that all the time?

I guess it's a bit
of a defense mechanism

to cover up my insecurity.

Oh,
you got a little one, uh?

Good one, Jacki.

Actually,
if you must know,

I'm positively equine.

I guess what I am is jealous.

You're a published author,

and I'm an author
with many rejection slips.

Are you talking about

200 Things Every Woman Should
Do Before She Dies?

I mean,
it's basically just a list.

Actually,
it's delightfully well-written

and inspiring.

Thank you.

Even though
I know you're just quoting

Victoria Chase's blurb
on the back.

Well,
if you're going to steal,

steal from the best.

That's what I always say.

I'm jealous, too.

Of you.

Why?

You and I used to be so close.

But ever since
these girls moved in,

you've gotten
alt hip and modern.

And I'm afraid
I can't keep up with you.

Mamie, that's crazy.

You're still my best friend.

Oh, Elka.
You batty old broad.

Oh, Mamie, you lovable ditz.

I will get it, my friend.

"Friend" is too far.

Yeah, I didn't like it,
either.

Oh, hi, Officer.
Any news?

The suspect is in custody.

You're all free to go.
Thanks for your cooperation.

Well, thank you.
You guys are great.

You're welcome, ma'am.

I mean, miss.

Hey, they got our letter.

Well,
I guess that's good-bye.

Well, no.

You could stick around
and finish your glass of wine.

Hey,
we could play another game.

I like games.

So do I.

I have an idea.

We could read
the play we wrote.

Your version or mine?

Let's make it a mash-up.

And you guys
could be in it, too.

You could all read parts.

Or...

To play devil's advocate,
we could not do that,

and I could take you all out

for a sumptuous repast
at Finique.

That's brilliant.
Let's do that.

We should have told them

there were vampires
in our play.

You were right.
Computers are amazing.

Just don't
download Angry Birds.

It's the mother
of all time-sucks.

Let's read back
what we just wrote.

I'll be vampire Scarlett,
you be vampire Rhett.

"Evening, Miss Scarlett."

"Oh, Rhett, what timing.

"We just drained
a fresh yankee.

Mammy's mixing up
bloody juleps."

This is good.

Speaking of juleps,
isn't it cocktail time?

After all,
we are writers.

I still think we can kick
the script up a notch.

What about a
vampire-on-werewolf love scene?

How about we throw
in a cyborg?

No.

They didn't have
the technology to make cyborgs

in the civil war.

Get your head in the game.

Well,
get your head out of your--

Ooh, vodka.

You know me so well.