Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 15 - Rubber Ball - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

This place is amazing.

Oh, it certainly is.

Whoever came up
with the idea

of joining a country club
is a genius.

It was your idea.

Oh,
compliment accepted.

Ah, this place
smells like money.

Old money.

The kind of money
money can't buy.

Look at this
membership list.



They're all Rubber Barons.

Firestone,
Goodrich, Goodyear.

Forget Porsches.

We could be dating men
who own their own blimps.

Ooh, look at this name--
Preston Vanderbosh III.

You know,
if we get into this club,

I'm gonna marry him
and people will say,

"Melanie Vanderbosh,

you have everything you want,
but are you really happy?"

And I'll say,
"not always,"

in a way that means yes.

What do you mean
if we get in?

I'm a celebrity, and everyone
loves celebrities.

We are an aristocracy
consisting of the talented



and people who give birth
to quintuplets or higher.

And I have
my English accent.

It's the preferred accent of
snobby people the world over.

Yeah,
all I have is ABC.

Always Be Cleavaging.

Hello, ladies.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Sorry to
keep you waiting,

but someone was wearing
grass court sneakers

on the clay court!

- Oh, it's disgusting.
- The nerve of some people.

I'm Jameson Lyons.
Please have a seat.

Here are
our applications.

Oh, yes.
Victoria Chase.

"Special skills--
Once flew in a jet

piloted by John Travolta."

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have
dropped a celebrity name.

It's uncouth.

The Dalai Lama
taught me that...

In the back
of John Travolta's plane.

That's fascinating,
but who's bouncing you?

Oh, I bounce.

It's just the way
I'm built.

I hope that won't be
a problem.

Young lady, this is
not an application

to wait tables at Hooters.

"Young" lady.

To join the club,
you have to be bounced

or sponsored
by a current member.

Do you know
any current members?

I know you.
Charming you.

Yes.

Yeah, well, anyway,
the Rubber Ball is coming up.

It's a charity event,
open to the public.

Perhaps you could meet
some members there.

That sounds ideal.
Count us in.

Tickets are $5,000.

Maybe we could pay
with a rubber check.

I've been here
for 70 years,

and if you think there's
a rubber joke I haven't heard,

you're sadly mistaken.

- Now, if you'll excuse me.
- Cheerio!

The only way we're
getting into this place

is if we got into that party.

Yeah, but $5,000
a ticket?

Oh, it's outrageous.

You could buy three pairs
of shoes for that.

But we have to go.

I mean,
look at these people.

They've been throwing
lavish parties

since before we were born.

Oh, I bet Preston Vanderbosh
the 1st. is in there somewhere.

Wait a minute.

Is it me, or does that waitress
look like a young Elka?

Yeah, I worked there
when I was in my twenties.

I hate that place,
and I was fired

when my boss hit on me
and I turned him down.

Now, now.

You can't judge
the entire club

by one guy who worked there
back in the 1800s.

Yeah, everyone we dealt with
was very nice.

Jameson Lyons called me
a "young lady."

Jameson Lyons?
That's the man who fired me!

I'm sorry, Elka,

but we already bought
tickets to the ball.

Fine, go.
See if I care.

Oh, poor Cinder-Elka.
You can't go to the ball.

I don't want to go
to the ball.

I know.
I just wanted to say that.

You know that makes you
the ugly stepsister.

Oh, I wonder if
Preston Vanderbosh III is here?

I know, I'm gonna
find his place-card

and put it next to mine.

Remember, the idea
isn't to meet men.

It's to get bounced,
so we can come back

and meet men
whenever we please.

Oh, speak for yourself.

I didn't rent $200,000 earrings
to come home empty-handed.

Oh, are those earrings?

I thought you were dressed
as a chandelier.

You know,
these send the message

that I don't need their money
because I have my own,

and that way,
they'll lavish me with gifts

that I "don't need."

Barnaby Goodrich,
is that you?

Goodrich?
That sounds promising.

Both good and rich.

Okay,
where do we start?

Well, first, I've dropped my
usual London common accent

and adopted the more posh
Sloane Ranger accent.

- What's the difference?
- A tighter butt clench.

Now, who might bounce me?

Ah, dignified older women

are suckers
for a British accent.

Time to work my charm.

Excuse me.

Elka!
What are you doing here?

I'm here to humiliate Jameson
for what he did to me.

What are you gonna do,
throw a drink in his face?

No, I'm gonna make him
fall in love with me,

reveal my true identity,

and then throw a drink
in his face.

How do you know he's gonna
fall in love with you?

Well, he was attracted to me
65 years ago,

and I've only
gotten prettier.

Okay.

Well, whatever happens,
keep in mind, I don't know you.

Oh, this night keeps getting
better and better.

Excuse me.

I noticed your blue eyes
from clear across the room.

Well, my blue eyes
like what they see too.

I can't help feeling
I've met you somewhere before.

Did you?

Ah, you're
the mysterious type, huh?

Or am I?

- Jameson Lyons.
- I'm... Sabrina.

- Oh, like the movie?
- No, like the teenage witch.

Oh, well, you're certainly
casting a spell on me.

- Joy?
- Colin?

I didn't expect
to see you here.

Dare I say, Scroggs,
you look stunning.

You can say it,
but I'll ignore it.

You know, I've actually
been thinking about you

quite a bit lately.

Really? And yet I haven't
heard from you in weeks.

No calls, no texts.

Well, there is
an explanation.

Hi, fiance.

That is so much fun to say.
Fiance, fiance, fiance.

Joy, this is Preshi.
She's my--

Fiancee?

Fun to say, right?

Well, it's very nice
meet you,

and congratulations
on your engagement.

Thanks. You know what's
another fun word to say?

Ointment.

Say it.

Ointment.

Ah!

Isn't he pretty?

And he loves me for me,
not my trust funds.

He told me so when he convinced
me not to do a prenup.

That's love.

Darling, why don't you
go find our table?

You're so good at that.

Say "good-bye"
in a baby voice.

Good-bye.

Well, she seems
like a catch.

Look, in a perfect world,

she wouldn't be
who I'd be with tonight,

but we're both British.

You know how fast this thin,
pasty skin ages.

I won't be a TV news idol
forever, Joy.

This is my retirement plan

So you're marrying
for money.

Very classy.

- I can see you're hurt.
- I am not hurt!

It just so happens,
I've moved on as well.

- Oh, is that so?
- Yes.

I'm sure he's here
somewhere.

Hello, Joy.

Opera guy?

Please.

In public,
call me Artie Firestone IV.

You're dating
Artie Firestone IV?

No, I am Artie Firestone IV,
and she is dating me.

Right, sweet cheeks?

Mmm!

Now do me.

Dating a Firestone.
I'm impressed.

And more than
a little surprised.

The night is full
of surprises.

Well, it's good that
we've both found people

that make us so happy.

We've both moved on

and are happy in our
respective relationships.

You two have an odd way
of speaking.

Really?
A place in Paris, you say?

Well, this is destiny.

J'adore Paris.

It's just
a pied-a-terre.

I bought it
from Richard Caswell

when he purchased
his estate on the Riviera.

- Estate, you say?
- Lovely place.

About half the size of
my castle in Scotland.

Castle, you say?

- Hello.
- Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm saving this seat
for Preston Vanderbosh.

That's me.

You're Preston Vanderbosh?

Yeah, call me Preshi.
Everyone does.

I'm so excited you wanted
to sit next to me.

Everyone here is so stuffy.

They're always like, "why do
you talk so much, Preshi?"

And, "why are you sitting
so close to me, Preshi?"

Wh--why are you sitting
so close to me?

I like to see
the hair on people's skin

when I talk to them,
and yours just stood right up.

How are you a member?

The last time I saw you,
you were homeless,

living in a dumpster.

Please!
It was a packing crate.

Whatever.

Are you really a Firestone?
I have so many questions.

Perhaps
I can best explain

in a PowerPoint
demonstration.

I was born into
the Firestone family.

As you can see, I grew up
in a fabulous mansion.

Next slide.

Next slide!

As a youth,
I had a rebellious stage,

and I was cut off
from the family money.

But then, last year,
at the age of forty-nine... teen,

I was once again given access
to the money,

which has given me access

to mental health professionals
and tuxedos.

So now, instead of
being broke and crazy,

I'm rich and eccentric.

And crazy.

Yes!

Now, how do you know Colin?

Oh, we have an on-again,
off-again relationship.

Oh, that lucky bastard.

- Actually, it's off right now.
- I know.

I mean, he's lucky
because he's with Preshi.

I've been madly
in love with her forever.

Look at her.
She's so distinguished.

So poised and graceful.

What am I missing?

Boobs.

Not what I meant.

Oh, if only I could
sweep her off her feet

and dance my way
into her heart.

But alas, I can neither
dance nor sweep.

I will teach you
to dance,

if you bounce me
into this club.

Consider yourself
bounced.

Let's find a room
and practice.

After you,
fake fiancee.

Oh, that's fun to say.
Fiancee.

So Jameson
is falling for you already?

He asked me to go

for a moonlight walk
on the golf course.

Spoiler alert--
I'm irresistible in moonligh

is that where you're gonna
throw your drink in his face?

Oh, Melanie, you know
nothing about revenge.

Without an audience,

it's just a waste
of a perfectly good drink.

I'll find
just the right moment.

Later, ladies.

So how's it going
with Preston?

I found you.

I thought I told you
to count to a thousand.

Victoria, this is Preston
"Preshi" Vanderbosh.

She's gonna bounce me.

Oh. I'm being bounced
by Peter Filsinger.

Nice meeting you.
He owns a castle.

Oh, there she is. Victoria,
come meet my family.

Uncle Roger, Mother,
may I present Victoria Chase.

Hello, Roger.

Mrs. Filsinger, it is so
wonderful to meet you.

What was that, dear?

I said,
it's wonderful to meet you.

Oh, uh, I seem to have dropped
one of my earrings.

Oh, did you check
in the sitting room?

I've lost jewelry
in the cushions before.

Well, it's definitely
in the cushions.

It's just that my earring
seems to have fallen

into your chestal region.

Young lady,
are you suggesting

I don't know the ins
and outs of my own bosom?

If you could just separate it
for a quick peek.

And everyone in my wedding
is gonna be on horseback,

including my horse.

Disaster.

I just lost a rented earring
in a rich woman's boobs.

Not the weirdest thing
I've heard tonight.

What should I do?

Just reach in
and grab it.

Please, you can't just
reach into a stranger's--

Sure, you can.
Like this.

I enjoyed our walk.

Your skin was so dewy
in the moonlight.

Some of that was spritz
from the sprinklers,

but thank you.

There's a playfulness
in your eyes

that I don't find
in the women around here.

I can see that you're
not some happy homemaker.

You're not what I expected,
either.

- Huh?
- You're very charming.

- Oh.
- And quite the gentleman.

I want to bounce you.

I want to bounce you
right now.

Excuse me?

Don't you want to get
into the club?

Is that the only way
I can get in?

Well, that's the way
it works around here.

But this'll have to wait
until I give my speech.

Oh, will everyone
be watching,

with drinks in their hands?

I assume so.

Where do I know you from?

It'll come to you.

There's Preshi and Colin.

Are you ready to dance
to impress?

To win Preshi,
anything.

* *

It's working!

Now teach me how to sweep!

He actually said that
you had to sleep with him

to get in the club?

Yes!

And to think I was starting
to fall for him.

Give me a vodka stinger,
plenty of sting.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's now time to celebrate

the Firestone Club's
150th anniversary.

You sure I can't
talk you out of this?

Don't mess with my head.
I'm in the zone.

Now,
let's dim the lights!

She's kissing my fiance!

Aah! I've been groped
by a lesbian!

I--I'm not a lesbian.

I'm just getting back
my rented earring.

- Oh!
- Aha!

God's sakes, Victoria!
Rented?

Preshi, darling,
I can explain.

You are no longer
my fiance.

And that is no longer
fun to say.

Joy, our fake engagement
is over!

Preshi, wait!

Ladies and gentlemen,

let's put this unpleasantness
behind us!

We're Rubber people!
We bounce back!

What, my rubber joke
wasn't any good?

Not so fast.

Sabrina.

My name is not Sabrina.

- It's Elka Ostrovsky.
- I don't understand.

She worked here
in the Summer of 1947.

But you fired her
because you hit on her

and she turned you down.

- Oh! Elka!
- That's right.

And I've come to throw
a drink in your face.

Huh?

What'd I do
with my drink?

I didn't fire you because
you wouldn't go out with me.

I fired you because you were,
hands down,

the worst waitress
we'd ever seen.

You broke plates,
spilled soup,

and had no idea
where to put the fish fork.

I've got an idea now.

Five minutes ago,

this man said
if I'd let him bounce me,

he'd get me
into this club.

Oh, "bounce" means
sponsor you

so you can
get in the club.

You would have
known that

if you hadn't skipped
the employee orientation.

I was shooting craps
with the caddies.

Maybe I was
a bad waitress.

And you were very rude.

You told my baby brother
he had a hatchet face.

Well.

Miss Preshi Vanderbosh,

I think your fiance
is a coward and a cad,

and you deserve better.

If I were your man, I would
never leave your side.

- Never?
- Never!

Except to use
the bathroom.

Or if I had to run out
and buy barbecue sauce,

and then,
you wanted to stay home.

Oh, Arthur,
do you mean it?

Does balled-up newspaper
make good insulation?

- Yes!
- Yes!

Oh!

Thank you
for forgiving me.

Oh, it's okay.

I still think you're one of
the most charming guests

we've ever had.

I think I might want you
to bounce me.

You want to
join the club?

Well, that too.

I'm sorry your sham engagement
to Preshi didn't work out.

I'm sorry
your fake relationship

with Artie Firestone
didn't work out.

Oh, it was pretty much doomed
from the work "fake."

Thank goodness we've got each
other to fall back on.

Oh, no. I'm not
falling back with you.

Of course you are,
darling.

- That's what we do.
- That's true.

But first, you have to call
and make a proper date.

Earn back my trust.

- Really?
- Of course not.

Let's go find
an empty squash court.

Can we go home now?

We spent $15,000
to come to this ball.

Now, we are dancing.

Okay, now dip me.

I am not a lesbian.