Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 18 - Cruel Shoes - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Ladies, I have
the most exciting news.

A bottle of your finest
champagne.

You know,
when you say that to the air,

we don't get champagne.

I am pleased to announce

that no longer am
I just celebrated celebrity

Victoria Chase.

But I am now
Victoria Chase,

celebrated celebrity
shoe designer.

In this box
is my creation,



and I've been invited to show
it at Cleveland Fashion Week.

Cleveland has
a fashion week?

I mean, maybe they could
pull off a fashion hour

or a fashion afternoon,
but a whole week?

Believe me,
I had my doubts too,

but apparently Cleveland
Fashion Week is a big deal.

It is.

It's where Mr. Jeff debuts
his collection every year.

Okay, I'll ask.
Who's Mr. Jeff?

Only the hottest tracksuit
designer in the business.

Someone designs
those things?

Comfort & Leisure magazine
gave him four recliners.

High praise indeed.

Nothing comes between
me and my Mr. Jeff's.



As a little
mental palate cleanser

after that image,
please show us your shoes.

Behold.

They're gorgeous.

How exquisite.

I mean, you know, they're
not the cure for cancer,

but can you wear
the cure for cancer

with jeans
and formal wear?

I hope that's
not your slogan.

It's just a protype.

And I've authorized Marco,
my cobbler in Italy,

to ship two dozen pairs.

And as a matter of fact,
I was thinking

maybe you ladies would like

to model my shoes
on the catwalk.

Oh yes!
Are you kidding me?

I've always wanted
to be a model.

Oh, great.
Joy?

Sure, whatever.

Why aren't you
more excited?

Oh, I modeled a ton
when I was younger.

Kinda burned out on it.

"I kinda burned out on it."

I mean, come on!

As the woman who spent
her prime modeling years

in a back brace
and a home perm,

I'm so psyched.

I used to model
when I was younger.

Togas?

I was a model
for a very big artist.

Da Vinci?

That's the same joke twice,
Joy.

Like your breasts.

Where is that champagne
I ordered?

I'll get us some cocktails.

Now that we're models,

we may as well
go on a liquid diet.

- Excuse me.
- Yes?

He must have read what I wrote
about her in the men's room.

- Are you insane?
- I'm sorry.

Please don't slap me
or scream.

I'm just doing things
on my bucket list.

See?

"Go to a bar and kiss the most
beautiful woman in the room."

Thank you.

But aren't you a little young
to have a bucket list?

Unfortunately I'm not.

I only have
a few months to live.

I wanna get through as many
of these as I can.

You're serious?

Yes, despite the effort
of some brilliant doctors,

a well-meaning prayer circle,

and one highly-questionable
wizard I found on the Internet,

I'm gonna die soon.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

Don't be.

I mean, we're all gonna die.

I just have the advantage
of knowing when.

I must say, you're awfully
upbeat about this whole thing.

- Hmm.
- What do you have exactly?

Oh, type four pseudoxanthama
spongiform encephalopathy.

I mean,
not to brag,

but it was the diagnosis
on House a couple weeks ago.

What is it exactly?

It's show
about a grumpy doctor.

No.

Tell me more about
your disease.

Well, it's very rare.

And with any luck,
they'll name it after me.

Fingers crossed.

Look, I could tell you
all about it

in excruciatingly
boring details,

or you could let me
take you out to dinner

and I could buy you
expensive wine

and just get lost
in your accent.

What do you say?

This is so sudden
I don't know what to say.

Then say yes.

Every good thing in the world
starts with yes.

Except that song,
Yes! We have no bananas.

What does that mean exactly?

And what was
the question asked

that led to that answer?

And why am I
prattling on about this

when precious seconds of
your life are passing by?

Sorry, I think there's
something about your dying

that's making me very nervous.

Is that a yes?

Yes.

Marco, the shoes
aren't here.

They're supposed to debut
in two days.

Due giorni!

How do you say "idiot"
in Italian?

Hell if I know.

"Elifino"!

What a nightmare.

My shoes are late.

Melanie and Joy are awol.

I'm supposed to be teaching them
the model walk right now.

- The model walk?
- Yeah, you know.

Straight spine,
shoulders back,

walk on the balls
of your feet.

And of course look bored
and distant.

You look like a zombie.

Oh, thank you.

When I was a model the goal was
to look happy and attractive.

Yes, and people
married for love,

exercised for fun,
and ate food for pleasure.

Things change, old-timer.

Sorry I'm late.

I was just getting
all model ready.

What's that on your face?

Is that a wart?

No, it's a beauty mark,

like Marilyn Monroe,
Cindy Crawford.

Uh, but beauty marks
go above the lip.

Where's mine?

On your chin.

That's wicked witch territory.

It must have slid down.

Oh, no, I used too much glue.
It won't come off!

It's not that bad, is it?

How long would it take you
to grow a beard?

Sorry I kept you
out so late.

I hope you had a good time.

Are you kidding?

Dinner,
shooting range, drinks,

booze cruise, dancing,
after hour club,

breakfast.

It's like we crammed five dates
into one evening.

Have you always been
this energetic?

Oh, no, no.

In a way,
this disease has its upside.

Like now when I wanna
do something, I do it.

If I don't, I don't.

For instance,

I have no interest
in meeting your mother.

I will not share
my dessert with you.

You get your own damn mousse.

And I won't see
your one woman show.

What if it's naked?

Still no.

I'll run lines with you.

The sun's coming up.

Excellent.

What's that?

"Stay up all night
with a gorgeous woman."

Let me see that.

"Get lost in Sao Paulo."

"Try blowfish."

That's actually
"try blow and fish."

Two things.

Ah, "streak through
the Sistine Chapel."

"Kiss a dolphin."

The animal
or the football player?

Either or.

"Eat a hot dog out of
a hamburger bun"?

Well, I put a few
easy things on there.

I like to cross things
off the list.

There's a lot of sexual items
on this list.

I know,
I'm disgusted with myself.

But you see any you like,
though?

- Well, I'm not doing that.
- Oh.

- Uh, not doing that again.
- Oh.

Uh...

Don't have a twin sister.

Oh, "Join mile-high club."

That's interesting.

Great, let's go.

Excuse me.

This is our first date.

You said it yourself,

we crammed five dates
into one night.

So sexually
we're way behind.

Yeah, nice try.

All right, look,
I don't wanna pressure you.

It's just that this
has been the best date ever,

and I don't want it to end.

If you turn me down,

I'm gonna have to spend
the rest of my short life

trying to find another stunning,
hilarious, awesome woman

who's got a cool
British accent

in Cleveland.

Come on.

And step and step
and pose.

Bored look to the audience.

Jolie the leg.

Elka, you look like
you'd rather be anywhere else

but here right now.

Great job.

How 'bout me?
How was I?

In a word, terrible.

You need to work
on your bored look.

Ugh, okay, I'll try.
I'll try.

Ugh.

Melanie, honey,

not to make you
feel any worse,

but that gnarly witch mole
is getting hairy.

It's not hair.

I tried to scrub it off
with steel wool,

and a couple fibers
got stuck.

Whatever you did,
it's creeping me out.

Yeah, that's good, that'.

I'm not sure this is
gonna be possible.

It's so tiny!

Okay, that's not
the best thing to say to a man

who just took off his pants.

Maybe if I scootch
around this way.

Pretend that's a waterfall.

I'm sorry, somehow I imagined
this would be sexier.

There is no reason we can't
make this sexy.

Oh, hello, mom.

Oh, God, airplane mirrors.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Are you afraid of flying?

Terrified.

I usually take pills
before I fly,

but that's not conducive
to having one's tray table

in the full upright position.

Okay.
Oh! Okay!

I don't wanna die!

Yes, I see the irony,
but I want my full three months.

Okay.
It's just you and me.

Forget about everything else.

Oh.

You're incredible.

Okay, now let's do this.

Attention passengers,
we're encountering turbulence.

Please return
to your seats immediately.

Okay.

The classy way to do this
is for us to leave separately.

I'll go out first, you come out
a few minutes later.

No one's the wiser.

And for the couple
in the bathroom,

you've got quite
a walk of shame

back to 31 "A" and "B".

Those aren't our seats!

I'm sorry, 34 "A" and "B".

You go first.

Oh, this is so exciting.

Look it,
models everywhere,

and I'm one of them.

But don't tell Victoria
how excited I am.

I was up all night
practicing dead eyes.

Mmm.

Ow, ow, ow.

What did you put
this disgusting thing on with?

And is that
a grey hair on it?

No, it's dental floss.

I tried to floss it off.

I'll try to cover it up.

So you never got to join
the mile-high club with George?

No.

But we did join the empty Sbarro
in the Toledo airport club.

It was fun actually.

But isn't it
kind of depressing,

you know, hanging out
with someone

that you know
is gonna die soon?

I suppose.

But George is
so determined to enjoy

what little time
he has left.

He's an absolute joy
to be around.

There is something to be said
for dating a man

with an expiration date.

He's kind,
forthcoming, direct,

and up for everything.

But...

He has an expiration date.

Exactly.

You falling for him?

I can't let myself.

Which is not fair to him,

but I can't put myself through
that kind of heartbreak.

I might have
to end things with him

before it gets
to that point.

Well, that makes what we're
about to do seem really trivial.

Okay, people, remember,
this is the most important thing

we'll ever do in our lives.

Victoria,
you're on in ten minutes.

Your other models will meet you
at the top of the runway.

Got it.

There are other models?

There are?

That's what he said.

Huh.
News to me.

- So you're dying, huh?
- That's right.

- Just like the rest of us.
- Exactly.

How's it going so far?

- The dying?
- Uh-huh.

Pretty good.

I mean,
all things considered.

Just trying to soak up
as much as I can out of life.

Can I see
your bucket list?

Sure.

Oh, a hot dog in
a hamburger bun.

Oh, that's fantastic.

Promise me you'll do that one.

Sure.

Now, since I can't put
"growing old" on my bucket list,

what's the truth about it?

Well, you don't pop out
of bed as fast.

Mmm.

And you learn not to take
anything for granted.

But you've already
figured that out.

Does it make you scared?

Oh, scared
is a waste of time.

The trick is just to laugh
as much as you can.

Oh.

When you laugh,
you're really alive.

And you forget
about everything else.

Well, you have to wait
till something's funny.

Oh.

That was just weird.

Oh, my God,
these shoes are gorgeous.

I'm gonna make millions.

Ah! Ow! Ahh!

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, fine.

Just a little pinch.
I'll be fine.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ow!

What is wrong?

I'm sorry, Victoria.

These shoes are beautiful.

They're just really unstable.

Well, they're
Victoria brand shoes.

Of course they're
beautiful and unstable.

Oh.
Oh, dear God.

There's no support.

What, you can't stand
in them either?

I'm telling you
these shoes

are not meant
to be walked in by humans.

But we're not humans,
we're models!

All right, now let me
show you how it's done.

You just... holy crap!

That hurts.

All right, ladies,
you're up.

The wheelchair models will meet
you at the top of the runway.

Wheelchair models?

Why are my models
in wheelchairs?

Maybe they tried on
your shoes.

The event is called
"walk and roll."

It's a benefit for women
who can't walk

but still want
to be fashionable.

What?

Why is this the first
I'm hearing about this?

It's not.

We spoke about it on four
different occasions.

Was she nodding and going,
"yes, yes, yes"?

Yeah.

Yeah, she wasn't listening.

Okay, you know, we really
don't have time for all this.

You're on in 30 seconds.

I suggest you get moving.

We can't hobble like this
next to women in wheelchairs.

People will think
we're making fun of them.

So what are we gonna do?

What do you mean,
what are we gonna do?

Think about something
other than the pain.

Melanie, you have
a hideous mole on your face.

Joy, your boyfriend's dying.

Okay, let's get out there
and sell some shoes.

Ow!

This is the worst thing that's
ever happened to anyone.

Or is it?

Did someone say something
about wheelchair models?

Oh, no.

You've got that look
in your eye.

Victoria, you do know
the best thing to do

is to admit
these shoes are a disaster

and just call
the whole thing off?

Yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Cleveland fashion week
is pleased to announce

Shoes by Victoria Chase.

Tonight I'm proud to present
Victoria Chase Shoes.

Victoria Chase Shoes.

The only shoes in the world

designed never
to be walked in.

Victoria Chase Shoes.

Yes, only I, Victoria Chase,
was brave enough

to design shoes exclusively

for the differently-abled
woman.

High fashion heels
for a woman on wheels.

Oh, if you want
to call me a visionary,

that's your business.

My business
is being a visionary.

Excuse me,
I'm sorry.

I just, I can't listen
to this any more.

Models don't speak,
darling.

Unless they're saying...

Victoria Chase Shoes.

It's just that we can wear
whatever shoes we want.

But now you don't have to.

But that's insane.

We don't need
Victoria Chase shoes.

Victoria Chase Shoes.

Oh, you're really
good at this.

Yeah, you starting
to feel anything?

Unfortunately, yes.

George, can we talk?

Uh-oh.

Every bad conversation
in the world starts with,

"can we talk?"

I don't know
how to put this.

Let me help.

You met this fantastically
sexy, handsome, funny,

sexy guy,

but the dude
is about to croak.

And if he was any kind
of a gentleman,

he would say good-bye now.

I'm sorry.

I'm just scared.

Scared's a waste of time.

I get it.

Good-bye, Joy.

I wish saying,
"we'll always have Sbarro"

was as romantic as saying,
"we'll always have Paris."

George, wait.

Right here.

What might we cross off
that list on our second date?

Number five.

I keep telling you,
I am not doing number five.

I wouldn't respect you
if you did.

How 'bout we just grab
a cup of coffee and talk?

They say the best coffee
is in Brazil.

You up for it?

I am.

Bigger bathrooms
on Jumbo jets.

Ooh, I like the way
you think.

But first, let's check out
Mr. Jeff's fashion show.

What?

It's the spring collection.

Who are you?

Your new boyfriend.
Get used to it.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are pleased to announce
our main event.

The newest collection
of tracksuits by Mr. Jeff.

Where's Elka?

I can't believe
she's missing this.

I can't believe
we're watching this.

Oh!

There's Elka.

- I don't believe it.
- I know, leopard lining!

The man is a genius.

The vacant gaze
is perfect.

Jolie the leg.