Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 12 - Lost Loves - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Joy, Melanie,
happy Valentine's Day.

Thank you, Victoria.

And there's one for
each of you, and for me.

All: Aww.

- That was sweet.
BOTH: Aww.

Okay, that's done.

Let's drink.

Sweats, pizza and wine.

It's like the cover
of Giving Up magazine.

It's not giving up.



We chose not to go out

on Valentine's Day.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Denial magazine.

Elka, you look very nice.

So who's the lucky man tonight?

Oh, Gerald.

Or Harold...or something.

I keep thinking about
last Valentine's Day.

- When you were with Max?
- Yes.

Oh, I love Fred and Roy
and--and Bobby.

And I--you know, I like Jack
and--and Lester and Ernie.

Oh, but there's just
nobody like my Max.

Yeah, I get it, Valentine's
Day can make you very nostalgic.



That's why I'm wearing my old
swim parka from high school.

You were on a swim team?

I thought you had
a scoliosis brace.

Well, yeah, but I was
team equipment manager.

You know, I would
hand out the towels

and shave
the Greek kids' backs.

On the plus side, I was voted

"hottest girl
in a back brace."

Until that perky cheerleader
fell off the pyramid.

I'm sorry, what part
of this makes you nostalgic?

Oh, our top swimmer,
Nick Costas.

I had the biggest crush
on him.

I stole this jacket from him.

I used to flirt with him until
my glasses would fog up

and sweat would drip down
and sting my jaw line acne.

I wonder what he looks like now.

I'm gonna Facebook him.

Oh, I'm boycotting Facebook.

I don't like the new design.

Couldn't let it alone
could you, Zuckerberg?

Oh, there he is.

Oh, my goodness,
he's still so cute.

Is he married?

It doesn't say.

His status is "road trippin'
with the boys".

I'm gonna friend him.

On Valentine's Day?

That seems a bit desperate.

Even to joy.

Okay, okay, I'll wait.
[Chuckles]

Hey, why don't we all
track down lost loves?

Oh, I'd love to contact Max.

But he's been real mad at me
since I almost married Fred...

And ran away with Bobby.

Well, I'm in.

Ooh, I would love to know how

my first ex-husband,
Clark, is doing.

He had it all--he was tall,
gorgeous, brilliant.

Feast your eyes.

And he's a renowned scientist.

Why did he dump you?

I'm assuming.

I dumped him.

No, I--I mean he didn't take
my acting seriously

and he always had all these
strange creatures in the house.

Now he was especially devoted
to this hateful parrot

who always used to talk
about me behind my back.

Parrots can't
make things up.

- They just repeat what you say.
- Yeah.

Well, now you sound
just like Clark.

So, Joy,
who you gonna look up?

Oh, sorry.

Oh, that's okay.

Obviously my lost love is my
runaway groom, Kyle.

But, I really think that's best
left dead and buried... right?

Yes, of course.

But, maybe if he told me why
he left me at the altar,

I could finally get closure.

But what if he's not sorry?

That would kill me.

Yes, it would.

But... what if he is sorry

and he feels the same
spark when he sees me?

Things get back on track
and before you know it

we're married
and living in Provence.

Oh, fine, get off
my back, Melanie!

I'll do it.

So we are finally gonna see

what Kyle looks like.

See, she cut him out
of all her photos.

I can't look.

- It's a dog.
- What?

I--it's a picture of his dog.

That means he's a fattie.

Morning!

Nick Costas friended me back.

And now we're flirting online

like a couple
of middle-aged teenagers.

Oh, boy,
that didn't sound sexy.

No.

But this does.

"Hey, Nick.

"'Memba me, Melanie Moretti?

Long time, no swim."

Good, huh?

And get this, he is "road
trippin' with the boys"

through Ohio,

and he told me that I looked,

in all caps, "amazing"
on my Facebook photo.

Everything he wrote
is in caps.

Including "amazing."

Girls, I have
a confession to make.

I was up all night,
reading about Kyle online.

What did you find out?

He's single.

He's in Minneapolis
today for business...

And he just had a cappuccino
with two extra shots

on Hennepin Avenue.

Oh, so he's one of those guys

who posts ever little thing
he does on his wall.

No, I hacked into
his email, his car's GPS,

and his credit card accounts.

Turns out I'm
pretty good at this.

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, I'll get it.

Work off all
that breakfast I didn't eat.

My God, Victoria,
you're gorgeous.

Oh, thank you.

Who are you?

I'm Clark,
your ex-husband.

I got your email.

Thought I'd surprise you.

You're not Clark.

Clark is strapping and tall.

Oh, my loss of height was due
to the calcium-leeching disease

I contracted from the calcium
leeches in the Amazon.

But what about the muscles
and the cheek bones and...

And the muscles?

There were,
uh... various tropical fevers

and the apes who I lived with
used me like a throw toy.

Plus my gym membership ran out.

Oh, Joy, Melanie,
I want you to meet my--

my first ex-husband, Clark.

- You're Clark.
- Yes.

He ordered something on
Amazon that made him small.

Clearly, I am, um,
not what you expected.

I think maybe surprising you
was a mistake.

Uh, I won't stay.

No, no, no,
of course you'll stay.

I--I insist.

Uh, where's your luggage?

It's right out here
with Barry.

Barry?

Oh that horrible parrot
is still alive?

Hello.

Bitch.

I saw the light on.

Oh, Elka.

I've written an email to Kyle

that could break
the silence between us.

But I--I just can't
seem to press send.

Oh, when you're ready,
you'll know it.

Thanks.

I'll wait till it feels right.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Feels right to me.

I just don't know what to do.

I mean, last night,
Clark kept telling me

how he's still attracted to me

and I--I don't wanna hurt him.

Victoria, it's not like
Clark is some sort of troll.

He's just not the huge,
strapping man that you remember.

He's still brilliant.

Yeah, well, he seemed
a lot more brilliant

when he could
lift me with one arm.

Kyle used to pick me up
and throw me on the bed.

I've gotta stop
thinking about him.

Or at least picture him
as some hideous elephant man.

How pathetic am I that
the elephant man

left me at the altar.

I know. I'll just
lie to Clark and tell him

I got some part
in a movie.

I'll pretend to fly
to Hollywood,

and then he'll leave

and take this annoying,
unlovable monster with him.

[Bleep] You.

Barry, are you okay?

Okay, good luck
with all of that.

I'd hit that.

Thanks.

How do you know he
wasn't talking to me?

Oh, oh, Clark,
there you are.

Um, there's something
that I need to tell you.

Clark's a troll.

What?
You said I was a troll?

No, of course not.

Well he doesn't just make
these things up.

What else have you
been saying about me?

Hideous elephant man.

Joy said that.

- What?!
- But not about you.

Look, um, I--I just found out
that I got a part in a movie.

- Lie to Clark about a movie.
- Barry!

Wow, even back
in our worst days

you never lied to me.

I'm sorry I'm such a
disappointment to you, Victoria.

Thank you, Barry.

Joy, Nick's coming
to Cleveland tonight.

He wants me to meet him
in his hotel room.

Congratulations.

You have
a date tonight too, Joy.

No, I don't.

Uh...

After you went to sleep,
I, uh, pretended I was you,

and... IMed Kyle.

What?
Why would you do that?

Because I knew you
secretly wanted me to.

And I'd had a few.

What did you say?

A lot of back and forth.

It got hot for a while,
and...

Then it cooled down, and...

Then it got hot again.

"I'll meet you at the top
of the terminal tower tonight

wearing nothing but
me rain coat."

I am not showing up
wearing only a rain coat.

Why not?

Guys love that "naked
under a coat" thing.

Guys do, don't they?

Hi, Nick.

Hey, Melanie.

Are you ready
to see all the sights?

We sure are!

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm Alison.
Pregnant, not fat.

[Laughs]

Well, congratulations.

Thank you.

I'm Melanie Moretti.

I thought you were
road trippin' with the boys.

Oh, we are, yeah.

Boys, come in here.

[Laughs nervously]

The boys... are so adorable.

- Here, let me take your coat--
- Oh, God no!

I mean...No,
thank you, that's...

Oh, God, I'm a nervous wreck.

Once we get to the roof,
you have to be honest

and tell Kyle
you wrote those messages.

Then you have to lie
and tell him that

I'm happily in love with
a South African pro golfer.

Okay.

A male, South African
pro golfer.

Oh, you're no fun.

Hold the elevator!

- Max!
- Elka.

Were you coming here
to see me?

No.

I forgot your office
was even in this building.

Oh, I see.

So why are you dressed
so provocatively?

You know that's
my favorite track suit.

Oh...Well, I'm only
here to meet the guy

who dumped Joy
on her wedding day.

He didn't ask.

[Chuckles]

What a coincidence.

You dumped me
on your wedding day, Elka.

Clearly weddings
are a sore subject.

No more talk about weddings.

- Agreed.
- Agreed.

Hold the door.

Hi.
We just got married.

Oh, great, somebody
already pressed roof.

Oh...That's where he proposed.

We're going up to have
a glass of champagne

before we go to the hotel.

Now what?

Relax, this happens
all the time.

Uh...

That's new though.

I can't believe you still
have one of our old swim parkas.

Are you sure I can't take it?

You're sweating.

Oh, yeah.

I like to sweat.

I remember that.

She's Melanie Moretti.

We called her Melanie
more-sweaty.

[Chuckles]

I... did not know that.

I'll go get the kids ready.

Okay.

Oh, oh, no!

Nick, the baby's coming.

Honey, are you sure?

Yes, we need
to get to a hospital.

Uh, but who's gonna
watch the kids?

Sure, sure, no sweaty.

There's no cell reception
so all I need you to do

is walk up to the 36th floor
to the observation deck

and let him know I'm trapped
in this elevator.

What do you mean, "no"?

Well, you're from Cleveland.

I'm sure you could use
the exercise.

Hello? Hello?
[Sighs]

They still have no idea how long
it's gonna take to fix it.

Maybe we should open that bottle
of champagne to pass the time.

As we discussed, ma'am,
it's for our wedding night.

If there is a wedding night.

I'm shipping out tonight.

Last-minute deployment.
- You were right.

We should have gone straight
to the hotel.

It'll be fine, sweetheart.

But a little married advice.

Never say, "you were right."

It does sound weird.

How long have
you two been married?

Um...Well...Uh...

All right, I'll answer.

They're not married.

They were engaged,
then they weren't.

Then she interrupted
his wedding.

Then he interrupted
her wedding.

But she chose
her dead husband.

But now she's sorry because
she missed her Max.

- Joy!
- Is that true, Elka?

Well, I-it's not not true.

Actually,
I chose this building

because I was hoping
I'd run into you.

Aww.

This calls for a celebration.

How about we open
that champagne?

Please, stop fighting.

Please, stop fighting.

Oh, fine, go ahead and fight.

[Knocks at door]
Excuse me?

Is this one of yours?

Found him eating French fries

off the room service tray
and he wouldn't share.

Uh, he could be one of mine.

I started with three.

I--I better take him
just in case.

There he goes.

Well, uh, you look like you
could use a hand.

Oh, I really could,
thank you.

Oh, no, not me.

I don't know
what to do either.

It's just an observation.

Although, we could do
what my parents did

when my brother
and I went at it.

Uh, have a drink
and ignore it.

Well, the mini bar is open.

So's the bottom
of your jacket.

You might wanna think about
putting something on.

I'll just get Barry and
we'll be out of your way.

Oh, please don't
leave like this.

Just come and sit here for one
minute and let me explain.

I didn't say those
things that Barry said.

He just picked random words
to make me look bad.

Well, he always has
hated you.

Ever since you stole
his mirror.

I don't know why
he needs it.

He always looks the same.

[Laughs]

Victoria, you really
haven't changed.

I wish I could say
the same for myself.

Oh, Clark.

And that's the first time

you've looked at me
the way you used to.

Come on,
stay a little longer.

We can talk about old times
and I'll make dinner;

Whip up a pot
of Clark's delight.

Oh, Clark's delight?

Delicious.

What was in that?

Hamburger meat and sugar.

I really was a lousy cook.

I didn't notice.

- The sex was too good.
- Mmm.

And then I'd start
talking about my work

and your eyes
would glaze over.

I'm sorry about that but it's
just that you kept on talking

about those disgusting
species of bugs

that you were studying
and it was bleh.

I know, I know, it's true.

However, I have discovered
a Peruvian spider that might

- actually interest you.
- Mmm.

It generates a venom
that fights diabetes.

Oh, that's nice.

You know, it has
an intriguing side effect.

It erases wrinkles
from human skin.

Go on.

All right, I see
your scoliosis brace

and raise you a droopy eye
and a corrective shoe.

Wow.

Okay, you win.

You were a bigger geek
than me.

If I wasn't president
of the rocketry club,

I never would have gotten
laid in high school.

I never got laid
in high school.

Well, you got me into
your pants fast enough.

By the way, thank you for this.

And thank you for not asking why

I was wearing a coat
with nothing under it.

Oh, men never need
an explanation for that.

So...
[Chuckles]

Here's to... sharing a drink
with the pretty babysitter

once the kids are asleep.

Man, was that ever a fantasy
of mine in high school.

Yeah, did it go
something like this?

Kyle's long gone by now.

I don't care if this
elevator ever starts.

Of course.

Well, at least you two
can start your honeymoon now.

No, there's no time
to get to the hotel.

I gotta get straight to post.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

Wait!

Your office is on this floor.

Good thinking.

Soldier, go storm that beach.

What did he call me?

Beach, he said beach.

Oh, don't you just
love a happy ending.

[Laughs]

Oh...

Oh, so, was Kyle
on the roof?

Nope. And I don't even
know if he showed up.

Thanks for waiting up for me.

Oh, I didn't wait up for you.

My new bird couldn't sleep.

Your new bird?

"Off to Peru with Clark."

"Purchase no skin treatments
until I return."

"Elka can take care of Barry."

I love Elka.

Poor Joy.

I, uh, I brought him
up to speed.

I'm just gonna unfriend him
and pretend it never happened.

Oh...

His profile picture
isn't his dog any more.

It's him...

And 25 years of buried
emotions come rushing back.

Oh, Joy.

The best thing to do is just
forget it and move on.

You're right.

Oh, no, I'm not.

Oh, you can't give up on that.

He's so handsome.