Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 3, Episode 13 - Tangled Web - full transcript

Now what?

Last time on
"Hot in Cleveland..."

I got back together with
my ex-husband and my ex-parrot.

Hello, bitch.

I got lucky
with a handsome stranger.

I missed seeing the guy
who stood me up at the altar.

Nobody knows they're
the same guy.

Doughnuts!
You're a saint.

I ate them all.

You bitch!

That was too strong.



I--I just really
wanted a doughnut.

I just really
wanted a doughnut.

He repeats
everything I say.

They're emergency doughnuts.

I was up all night,
obsessing about Kyle.

Joy's pathetic.
She'll die alone.

Where does he get
this stuff?

I texted Kyle, explaining why
I didn't show up last night

and he texted back,
"Maybe it's for the best."

What could that
possibly mean?

That he thinks
it's for the best.

But he said "maybe".

"Maybe it's for the best,"
which means, "maybe it wasn't."

And until I figure that out, I
have no idea what to write back.



I'm sure you'll think
of the right thing to say.

Joy will screw it up.

That's one bird's opinion.

Good morning.
Guess why I am in men's clothes.

You went naked to see a guy,
you slept with him,

and you borrowed
his clothes.

Well in my mind,
it didn't sound so cheap.

But in my defense,
I did not sleep

with the man
I got naked for.

I slept with another man.

That sounded even sluttier.

But we did click.

Well, if you're
just getting in,

you must have clicked
more than once.

I got back together
with Max.

Elka, that's wonderful!

Congratulations.

Joy, how did it go with Kyle?

I just ate 12 doughnuts.

You bitch.

I'm sorry,
I'm still mad.

Oh, honey,
I'm so sorry.

Good morning.

Hag alert,
hag alert.

Oh, shut your seed hole.

What are you doing here?

I thought you were going
to South America with Clark.

Oh, I was.
And it was so exciting.

I was actually falling
for him again.

But then he accused me
of bringing too much luggage

and I said, "well that
was never a problem"

for Ginger
from Gilligan's Island."

And then he wanted to know,
"where is this island?"

And I said, "well nobody knew,
that was the whole point."

And then, long story short,
he left me.

Oh, Victoria, I'm sorry.

Well, thank you.

But as is customary
after a breakup,

I have revenged myself.

I have stolen one
of Clark's rare spiders

whose poisonous venom instantly
paralyzes you for a few hours.

Why would you take that?

Because it also tightens
a woman's skin.

Why, just now,
I accidentally brushed a fang

while milking her
and... see?

Oh, it's as soft
as a baby's bottom.

Tut-tut-tut,
as a baby's poison bottom.

Here, go ahead and poke it.
I can't feel a thing.

Oh, to not feel anything.
I want that spider to bite me.

Well, interestingly, uh,
the chances of that happening

have gone up significantly
in the last half hour.

Don't you dare say
a spider's loose.

There's a spider loose.

Well, I didn't say it.

Elka, Max's lake house
is beautiful.

We should get our house
fumigated more often.

Oh, please,
I'm still in mourning.

We left that magical spider
behind to die before its--

its contributions to skin care
could be fully exploited.

Oh, it's Casey.
He's almost here.

Thanks, you guys,
for letting me invite him.

I wish Max
could be here.

Without a man there's nothing
to do up here but drink.

Ah, there's the magic word.

Let's dump these groceries
and pick some boyfriends

out of the liquor cabinet.

Ooh, I think that's Casey.

Oh, I can't wait
for you to meet him.

There's a spider loose.

You need a new catchphrase,
Barry.

Eat me.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Is it possible you've gotten
sexier in the last five hours?

- Why thank you.
- Hi, I'm Victoria.

- Hi, I'm--
- Kyle!

- Joy?
- Yes, it's me.

Oh, my God,
it's really you.

This is Kyle,
the Kyle.

Uh, well, uh, but I'm not
going by Kyle any more.

I go by my initials, K.C.

Oh.
Wow.

Interesting.

I'll say.

How did you find me?

Uh, well, it's a--it's a--it's
a funny--it's a funny--

it's a funny story.

I--I got a hold
of him and--

and brought him up here
to surprise you.

Right, yeah.

It--it's really
not so funny "ha ha"

as it is funny, uh...

Well, here we are.

- And who's that?
- That must be Casey, right?

Uh, my new boyfriend's name
is Casey,

which is funny 'cause Casey
and K.C. are easily confused.

So we better call you "Kyle."

Good, 'cause we wouldn't want
things to be confusing.

Hi, have you heard
the Good Tidings?

Yes, you're here.

My new boyfriend, Casey.

I certainly call
that good tidings.

I'm not really sure
what's happening.

What's happening is
you must be starving.

So let's get you
in the kitchen... Baby.

The Rapture
is rapidly approaching.

Oh,
you and those double-entendres.

You see why I'm crazy
about him?

Oh, hello ma'am,
have you heard the good news?

I think
I'm looking at it.

Okay, listen up.
Your name is Casey.

We met last night,
and now you're my boyfriend.

Is this a cult?

The high master
warned us about cults.

Oh, no, no, I promise
this isn't a cult, no.

You just have to follow
my orders exactly,

and can't leave.

Look, Joy, uh...

I owe you a--
a long overdue apology and, uh,

more importantly,
an explanation.

Actually, I'm still
overwhelmed by the surprise.

I don't think I'm ready
to do that just yet.

Oh, thank God.

I mean...
When you're ready.

I still don't get it.

Okay,
that guy out there

was "A love at first sight"
thing for me last night.

But it turns out he's the guy
that left my friend

my friend Joy
at the altar.

Before you tell Joy, you might
wanna soften it with a joke.

Like, uh...

It seems there was
an assaulted peanut--

oh, crap,
I told it wrong.

I'm not gonna tell her.

Nobody is ever and it's all
gonna turn out just fine.

This is a disaster.

How could you not know
that Casey was Kyle?

Sweet greatness in the sky,
it's Victoria Chase.

Last night when I met him--

In a minute.

Are you a fan?

I used to rush through
my wood-chopping chores

so I wouldn't miss a second
of Edge of Tomorrow.

Oh, what a...

Powerful story.

Okay, listen up.
This is what we're gonna do.

This nice religious person--

- Heavenly Witness, ma'am.
- Super...

is going to spend the night
and be my boyfriend, Casey.

Uh, I'm sorry.
I am so confused.

I should ask a higher power.

What would you do,
Victoria Chase?

I would do it.

Then I'm in.

I can help you
with those, Melanie.

No, no, that's okay.
You stay here with Joy.

Casey will help me.
Casey. Casey!

Uh, I'm Casey.

Okay.

All through dinner,
I was holding this in,

but I'm just gonna say it.
I am so mad at you.

I know.

But not for what you think
I'm mad at you for.

I'm mad
because I can't get mad at you.

For 25 years I've been carrying
around all this anger,

and now all I can think about
is how good you look.

Couldn't you be
bald and fat?

Well, I've had two desserts,
give it time.

I just have so many
mixed emotions about you...

Although it's kind of obvious
how you feel about me.

It is?

I mean, a guy wouldn't
drive all the way up here

to see a girl unless
he really cared about her.

I guess that's true.

And I guess
she wouldn't let him stay

unless she felt
a little something too.

I'm sorry,
what was that?

Good night, all.

Casey, I'll show you
to your room.

I can handle it, Victoria.

Well, if you get
lost in the night,

I can handle it
right next door.

Well, I guess
we should turn in too.

Me... up there.

All alone.

You, here on the couch,
equally alone.

Well, buona notte.

I think I might be getting
a little company tonight.

Oh, wouldn't it be great if
I had what you have with Casey?

Oh, yeah, good ol--
Casey!

That's me!

- Good night.
- Good night.

Just think,
tonight I'm going to have

strong sex
with Victoria Chase.

Just don't get caught.

Oh, before I leave, I need
to mentally prepare myself.

Have you ever seen
Victoria Chase naked?

Uh, yeah, but she was
covered in mud at a spa.

I wanna be a worm
in that mud.

Yeah.
Please just go.

Strong sex
with Victoria Chase.

Kyle, you came--

Go away.

There's no heat
in my room.

I need some place to put
my cold, ancient feet.

Sadly, I've fallen
for that line before.

Come in.

But if Kyle shows up,
you're out of here.

I'll take those odds.

Kyle,
get out of my bed!

I--I--I just wanna
talk to you.

Oh, yeah,
and kiss you...

And have sex with you.

No, you've already
turned me

into some slutty
high-school girl who's cheating

with her
best friend's boyfriend.

Well, if you're trying to turn
me off, it's not working.

No, stop being cute
and funny.

Ow.
Ow.

Oh, come on, I didn't
hit you that hard.

No, no.
Something just bit me.

And they're getting
so smooth and youthful.

Oh, my God,
Victoria's spider.

Guys,
you have to help me.

Kyle's in my room,
stiff as a board.

Well, what a coincidence.

Your spider bit him.
He's paralyzed.

My spider--
she's here?

Yes, we have to get Kyle
out of my room.

It'll crush Joy
if she finds him in there.

So I'm gonna keep
a lookout for her

and then you guys drag
him down to the sofa.

Well, why can't I keep
a lookout and you drag?

Because you're stronger than
I am. Look at your toned arms.

Oh, these arms
are for show.

The only things
they carry

are lesser actors
through big scenes.

You know, between this
and jail and the zoo,

we sure sleep together
a lot.

That thought is scarier
than this book.

You idiot,
don't go in there.

Called it.

Oh, you deserve to have
your brains eaten.

Oh, I hate this book.

Then why don't you
stop reading it?

It's bad for me,
but I'm attracted to it.

Remind you of anybody?

Point taken.

But I don't know if Kyle
is good or bad for me.

He stood you up
at the altar.

And I still don't know why...

Because I'm afraid to ask.

I don't want to hear
all the reasons I was unlovable.

I just want him
to want me again.

And this guy
just wants

to smear a little brains
on a cracker.

Everybody
has their dreams.

I'm sorry about this,
and I'm sorry

about Victoria dropping
you on the stairs.

I told you these arms
were for show.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Can I keep Casey?

Yes, have strong sex
with Casey.

Let's do it right here.

Uh, guys?

I'm still alive.

Oh, uh,
he's right.

We should probably go to
our room but not empty-handed.

A bottle of wine?

Amen.

Uh, excuse me?

Could you help prop me up
on my pillows, please?

Oh, yeah, sure.

I'm not gonna die,
am I?

I doubt it, but if you do,
after what you did to Joy,

you'd probably deserve it.

You know, people tend
to get what they deserve.

Oh, something bit me.

There's a spider loose.

Yeah, Barry,
we got that.

- Barry, are you okay?
- Clark.

Victoria!

Uh, Clark...it isn't
what it looks like.

Strong sex
with Victoria Chase.

How did you find me?

Tracking chip
in Barry.

And to think
I came back for you.

Oh, look, Clark, um,
this man is not my lover.

I don't even
find her attractive.

All right, that is not
necessary information.

She is the most beautiful
woman in the world,

and I will fight any man
who tries to take her from me.

Well, then you'll
have to fight me.

Oh...Uh...

Well I might have to do
a bit of stretching first.

Clark, you don't
have to fight anyone.

Look at you,
sounding all jealous and sexy.

Oh, Victoria,
give me a hug.

Uh, a little help
with the arms.

Wait a minute.
You're paralyzed.

No, I'm not.

- You stole my spider!
- No, I didn't.

Then stand up.

I don't feel like it.

You selfish, spider-stealing
she-demon!

Don't you talk to the woman
I love that way.

What do you mean,
"the woman you love"?

Could somebody get the woman
they love off of me?

What is going on out here?

Oh... boy.

Your boyfriend just said
he's in love with Victoria.

I'm not her boyfriend.

Well, of course not,
now that I know

you're in love
with Victoria!

How could you?!

Okay, that's done,
good night, everybody.

All right,
what's going on?

Everyone seems
to know except me.

Joy--

I've got this.

Joy, these two peanuts
went on a salty--

Crap, that's not right either.

Would somebody
please just tell me?

Okay, but it's gonna hurt,
so I'm gonna tell it fast,

like pulling off
a band-aid.

Last night I met Kyle, but I
thought he was Casey, not K.C.,

and he came up here
to see me, not you,

and as soon as I found out
who he was,

I didn't wanna have anything
to do with him.

- I'm so, so, so sorry.
- Me too.

The last thing I wanted
to do was hurt you...

Again.

And I'm only
on top of him

because we both got bit
by my spider.

Now could someone please move me
into a more dignified position?

- I'll do it.
- I'll do it.

No, I've got her.

- I've got her.
- No, I've got her.

Give her to me!
She's mine.

There.

There.

- Legs together, please.
- Yeah.

Continue.

I just don't understand.

Why did you agree to meet me
on top of the tower?

Well, I was in a confused
and desperate place,

and when you got in touch
with me,

I thought,
"maybe it's a sign."

So I called off my marriage
and I--I came to see you.

You left someone else
at the altar?

I can't help it.
I panic.

I thought maybe if we
reconnected, you could fix me.

And then when you weren't
there and I met Melanie,

I thought maybe this was
a sign and she could fix me.

I know a vet
who could fix you.

How many times
have you done this?

Oh... four.

Five if you include Joy.

So, for the past 25 years,
you've just been jumping

from woman to woman,
hoping the next one

will solve
all your problems?

I guess I'm just
a hopeless romantic.

You're not a romantic,
you're pathetic.

Joy, I'm sorry.
Are you kidding?

This is fantastic.

All these years, I thought it
was me, but it's you!

You're a selfish,
emotionally stunted bastard.

Yes, you get it.
You can fix me.

We can put the mistakes
of our past behind us

now that we're finally
getting closure.

Oh, Kyle, I have waited
so long to hear that.

I want you out of this house
right now.

Because you know what the best
kind of closure is?

- Door closure.
- What, it's over?

You heard me.
Door closure.

But I still can't move.

Well,
as soon as you can,

we're going right back
to this position

because I just came up
with that door closure line,

and I obviously
really like it.

- There's a spider loose.
- Oh, shut up.

- Shut up.
- Oh, quit imitating me.

- Quit imitating me.
- Barry is an idiot.

Nice try, hag.

Oh, I still feel
terrible about this.

- I hope I didn't hurt you.
- Oh, thank you.

But I'm not hurt
at all.

Ow, something just bit me.

- Oh, Victoria's spider.
- My spider?

My spider?

Oh, my God,
look at her face.

What?

You look 19.

I'll get the Antivenin.

- Wait!
- Don't you dare!

Just brush my hair
and prop me up

in front of the nearest
fire station.