Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 2 - Bad Bromance - full transcript

All right then. Bye.

I'm not gonna say it.

I don't want to say it.

You are such an old woman.

Fine. I love you, too.

- Your mother?

- My fake fiance.

We're meeting the immigration
lawyer, and Rick's insisting

We act like a real couple.

I mean, do people really say,
"I love you" that much?

It's gross.



No word from your jailed accountant?

- Nomy assets are still frozen.

I am officially broke.

- Oh, now. You still have your health.

And the love of your friends.

- I can't even laugh at your
dark English humor anymore.

But that's okay,
because I have a plan.

- Hmm.

Ohiosugardaddies. Com.

Rich older men looking
for younger women.

Which one are you?

- For your information, I signed up.

I sent in a picture and everything.

- This is your head shot from 1981.



"special skills:

Weapons, fluent in Japanese.
Ventriloquism"?

Ventriloquism?

- help!
I'm stuck in the refrigerator.

- Need a refill?

- Oh, you've got that right, skeletor.

- What are you doing?

- Getting drunk.

It's the only way
I'm going to get over Max.

- Oh, it's so sad
that you two broke up.

- She had to.

She's under indictment and
Max's son is running for office.

- I'll be fine after a 24-hour bender.

Benders fix everything.

Except quitting alcohol.

- So how far in are you?

- Uh...

Uh...

Eight hours.

Maybe 20.

My watch might be upside down.

- You don't sound drunk.

- I'm stinko.

You can tell 'cause
my edit button's turned off.

- You have an edit button?
- You tell me.

What's dumb, flat, and
needs to shave her mustache?

It's you.

- I'll be damned.

- Hey, morning guys.

Um, listen.

You know I hate to ask for favors.

Although I don't mind being
asked because help

Is a gift I can always afford to give.

But, anyway, um, Pete's family reunion

Is this evening,
and since I'm going to be

Meeting his mom
for the very first time,

I could use my family there.

That's you guys.

- Ugh, booooring!

- Oh...

Poor thing, she's taking this
Max break-up pretty hard, huh?

But you guys will be there, right?

Please?
- Oh, fine, I'll go.

It will help me get my green card

If Rick and I are
seen out as a couple.

- And I might make it
if I can find a date.

- Ooh!

I got a bite.

- She's trying to
meet an old rich guy.

- Not trying, my friends. Succeeding.

- What's he look like?

- Look like? Oh, don't be shallow.

He's a billionaire!

I accept.

- Look, I know this is awkward.
But I really am grateful.

- Oh, it works for both of us.

You get your green card,

And I get the aura
of an Alpha predator.

Who deserves... nay, who
takes...an Alpha female.

- You really think being with me
is going to get you girls?

- Exhibit a.

The picture that I've been
showing around town of us.

And exhibit b, the phone numbers
of the women whose shoulders

I will, as soon as we have broken up,

Moisten with my tears.

I've also been showing around
the ring that I got you.

- Oh, my goodness. It's huge.

Let's hope that's not the last
time I hear you say that.

Looks real, doesn't it?

It, uh, also helps
answer the question of

"What's she doing with him?"

- Mm.

Oh, just remember,
stick to the script.

Where we met, families,
morning routines.

No additions.

- Oh, you will sneak in
a mention of my masterful

Early morning lovemaking?

- Green card, green card,
green card, green card.

- Hi, I'm Ellen szymborska,
Pete's cousin.

- Hi, I'm Joy.
Thanks again for coming.

I know what a big favor this is.

- Greetings, my lady.

I don't mean to embarrass you,

But you are much too pretty
to be an immigration lawyer.

- Oh!

Isn't she? Show the ring.

- Okay, I think that's it
for the preliminary paperwork.

- Good job, Ellen.
- Thank you, Rick.

But this is the easy part.

You still have to see ins,
and they are going to grill you

To prove that Joy's not
marrying you for a green card.

- Oh, heh.
- As if!

I love this guy.

So much.

- And I love you so much, baby.

- So, how did you two meet, anyway?

- Oh, I can tell you exactly...
- I wanna tell, baby.

Sometimes I tack a sheet
on the side of my garage,

And hold an outdoor movie night
for the neighbor kids.

- Oh!
- Mm-Hmm.

- That's not how it happened...

- One night, I was showing dumbo,

Which is my favorite movie.

- Oh, I love dumbo.
- Of course, so moving.

And, uh, Joy came over to, uh,
complain about the noise.

- No, no.
- And I started crying.

Not because she yelled at me.
But because of the movie.

- Oh, how could anyone
not cry at dumbo?

- And for some reason,
we just clicked.

Me, the most sentimental,

Disney-loving softie on the planet,

And this angry hothead
who never cries.

- Oh, you.

That's not exactly how it happened.

- Wow, that's, like, the eighth time

You've corrected him.

- No...ls it?

- Yeah.

- I'm a bitch.
- Oh!

- Actually, I meant it's a good thing.

We can always tell a fake couple

Because their stories
are too consistent.

- Ah.

- You're a lucky woman, Joy.

- Especially early in the morning.

I mean, before 6:00.

- Yes.

We're all so lucky, really.

- See you tonight at the party.

I think I'm in love.

- Will you at least marry me
before you start cheating?

- Oh.

- Oh, she's gonna hate me. I know it.

- Honey, how could anyone hate you?

You'll be fine. Just be you.

Is that really what you're wearing?

- What?
- I'm teasing.

- Girls don't like teasing.

It's worse than sex in the morning.

- Hey, uncle Ned.

- Relax, mom just wants
to make sure you're not some

Plastic Hollywood floozy.

- You're teasing again.

- Not really, no.

Mom's very old world.

Like, she's still mad at me for

Dropping out of seminary
to join the police force.

- Well, God's loss is my gain.

- Hmm.

- Disgusting!

- I thought you said she
was not a California floozy.

- Mom, hi.
- No, no, no.

Not after that.

- Melanie, this
is my mother, Agnieszka.

- It's no nice to meet you.

Agnieszka.
That must be Polish for Agnes.

Like Agnes Morehead, the mean
mother-in-law on bewitched.

Uh, not to say that you're mean.

Or a witch.

Did I say nice to meet you?

- She's talkie, and
much older than I thought.

And too skinny.

- Too skinny?

I like her.

- Divorced.

So, you abandoned
your duty to your husband.

- Well, actually,
he was seeing other women.

- So, you are frigid.

- No! No, ask Pete.

I mean, don't ask Pete.

How would he know?

Oh, why am I pretending?
No, I'm not frigid.

I enjoy sex.

Hello again, father Ned.

Excuse me.

- Well, how's it going?

- Just as I expected.
Your mom hates me.

- Don't take it personally,
she's tough on everybody.

Well, except my brother Henry.

He was always the favorite,
and I was like second-hand Pete.

I got all his old clothes.

Growing up I thought Henry
szymborska was a brand.

- Aw.

You poor thing.
- Yeah.

- So...Here we are.

Honey.

- When I touch you, I sense
every woman in the room

Wondering why I'm not touching her.

More sex for future Rick.

Ah, speaking of which.

- Hey, you guys.

How's my favorite couple?

- Oh, you know.

Just coupling out.

- Ohh.

So I spoke to a friend of mine at ins,

And I think it's looking good.

- Oh, God. What a relief!

I can't wait for this to be over.

This ordeal, I mean.

It's been so hard on me and my...

Lord shackleton.

- Who?

- It's her pet name for me.

He was Captain of the...

Endurance.

But don't worry about me.

I would go through anything for
the sake of the woman I love.

- Joy, you have got quite
the romantic on your hands.

- And you don't have a drink in yours.

Shall I remedy that?
- Well, I would love that.

So charming.

- Yes, he's full of it.

Charm.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- How's it going with Pete's mum?

- Oh, she hates me.

But she hates everyone from L.A.

Thinks we're all gold diggers.
- Hm.

Fortunately, here's Victoria
to put her fears to rest.

- Hurry up, Oscar.
He's not getting any lighter.

All right, my Captain.
We have arrived.

Just go park him over there.

- You carried that
helpless old man in.

- I mean, seriously. He's, like, 110.

- Oh, please. That's not for months.

So how is it going with Pete's mom?

Which one is she?

- She's the one over there
with a stick up her ass.

Father Ned.

- Elka?

- Elka! This is perfect.

You can help me with Pete's mom.

You're Polish. She's Polish.

You can kiss up to her in Polish.

Stay right here.

- I thought that you weren't coming.

- Well, I ran out of vodka.

And I thought I would come over
here and freshen up my drunk.

- Hmm.

- We had a full bottle.

- I spilled some.

In my mouth.

Oh, too slow.

- Joy, come meet my boyfriend.
But hands off, he's brittle.

- Elka, Elka.

Mrs. Szymborska, I would like
you to meet a friend of mine.

This is Elka Ostrovsky.

Also Polish.

- So you think because
we're both from Poland

We're going to like each other.

- Yeah, well...Kinda. Heh heh.

Say something nice.

- And that goes double for me.

- Ooh, I think that's for me.

- Oh, my God.

Joy, look who just walked in.

- Well, I ran out
of vodka at the house.

- No, we already know that.
No, I'm talking about him.

- It's Hank. This is terrible.

- He looks all right to me.

- No, Hank's the plumber
Melanie slept with

The first day we were here.

- Yeah, the one who
turned out to be married.

Now, we've gotta warn Melanie.

- But she's with Pete.

- Well, I guess our only
choice is to just stay here

And stare at Hank.

And imagine what he looks like naked.

- I'm way ahead of you.

- Finally, Henry's here!
- Mama.

Mwah, mwah!

- Hank! Hey, bro.

- Ha, ha, ha! Hank...

Is your brother?

- Yeah, that's right.

I've been waiting for this forever.

"second-hand Pete" no more.

- Hank, say hello
to my girlfriend, Melanie.

- Nice to meet you, Melanie.

- Yes, likewise.

Hank, was it?

- Yeah.

- Honey, would you freshen my drink?

- It's full.

- But it's not fresh.

- Hank, okay, listen.

Before you say anything, let's agree.

It never happened.
We don't know each other.

We're complete strangers.

- My God, you're beautiful.

- You're married,
I'm dating your brother.

Why would you say that?

- Because I have not stopped
thinking about you

Since that night on the boat.

I know it's wrong,
and I love my brother.

But it doesn't change the way I feel.

- Yeah, but I don't
feel that way about you.

- I don't believe you.

Meet me outside for a kiss. Come on.

- Are you crazy?

- Look, if you don't
feel anything, fine.

I'll move on.

But if there's so much as a spark,

I'm gonna keep after you
'till you're mine.

- Ohh.

Ooh!

- What happened? Are you okay?

- No, I feel like I'm in one of
Victoria's edge of tomorrow's.

- Well, honor Saint raven did
have a situation like this,

But it wasn't the same because
Hank isn't a re-animated corpse.

- Like your date.

- You know, the worst part is...

Pete just wants
to rub me in Hank's face.

- I thought you already
did that on his boat.

- Hank wants me to meet him outside,

So he can kiss me and see
if there's still a spark.

- That's a terrible idea.

- Do it, he's hot.

- I am gonna do it,
but not because he's hot.

Because he promised if I felt nothing,

Than he would just leave me alone.

I wish I could burp up some sausage.

- Mm.

- What a beautiful ring you gave her.

- Well, a beautiful hand
deserves a beautiful ring.

- Ellen, would you
excuse us for a moment?

- Sure.

He's quite a keeper.

- Of course, some
wild things can't be kept.

- Will you stop
flirting with our lawyer?

You're gonna ruin the whole thing.

- I'm just warming her up for later.

- You're overcooking her.

- Don't blame the fire for being hot.

- Okay, come on.
Let's get this over th.

Okay, if I don't feel anything,

You promise to drop it, right?

- I promise.
- Okay.

- Yeah, sorry. Nothing.

- Hey, Melanie.

Please.
- You promised, Hank.

- Honey!
- Don't call me honey.

- Hi, honey.
- Honey!

You must be honey.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Well, good, you were able
to make it after all.

- Yeah.

- Uh, Melanie, this is my wife Linda.

Linda, this is Melanie.
Melanie is Pete's girlfriend.

- Oh, nice to meet you.
- So nice to meet you, too.

Yeah, Hank was just making sure
that I'm the right girl.

For his baby brother.

And I hope now you have proof.

That Pete is the only man for me.

- Oh, well, Pete's a great guy.

So that's good to hear.

- Yeah, yeah. I'm lucky to have him.

- Hmm.

- As you two are
lucky to have each other.

You know, 'cause as the kids say,

Love is da bomb.

Do kids still say that?

Discuss, gotta go.

- Your date doesn't look so hot.

- Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Winston is an extremely
handsome and dapper man

Without any living heirs.

- No, I mean,
he's not looking so alive.

oh, I'm just a little tired.

Oh Elka, can't you see
that he just needs to rest?

- I saw your lips move.

- darling,
your friend smells like a still.

Oh, Winston. You behave yourself.

Ooh, diamond encrusted.

- What's this note?

"on the website you looked younger.

Take me home."

- That's my Pete, that's my boyfriend!

- Wow, I should play darts more often.

- Climb down from him!

You're not at work,
and he is not a pole.

- Well, actually he is a pole.
You're all poles.

Yeah, nothing?

I give up.

- Your brother.

You would not see him
with a girl like this.

- No, you know, mom, Hank's
had a lot of things before me

And better than me, but not Melanie.

um, excuse me, everybody.

I'd like to make a toast.

Tonight I feel like
the luckiest guy in the world.

Having this wonderful
woman by my side, and, uh...

Well...

To Melanie.

- Wait.

Before we drink,

I need to say something
about Melanie too.

The truth is...
- is so overrated.

Bottoms-up, everybody! Ha, ha!

- I'm so happy that my little brother

Has met a wonderful woman
who is crazy about him.

To them.

- Nostrovia.

- I thought you were
gonna tell everyone how

You two hooked up on your boat

The first night she got here.

- Well, now we know there are 15 ways

To say "whore" in Polish.

- Such a beautiful language.

- And no more Pete.

I guess there's just
no coming back from,

"I slept with your brother."

- I am so sorry, Melanie.

- Elka, it's okay.

Pete would have found out eventually.

So, I guess I lost a boyfriend.

- Well, at least you didn't
lose a fiance to an ins lawyer.

And I lost the chance
at a quick green card.

Still, better the long arm of the law

Than the clammy hands of the Rick.

I think he sprained my finger
pulling that ring off.

- Well, you two lost men.
I lost my mind.

I mean, if I'd married him,

I wouldn't be able to
look at myself in the mirror.

And who am I

If I can't look at myself
in the mirror?

- So, we're four single girls
on a Saturday night.

- Victoria!

- Wait, that's not me.

- It's me.

I sent in a slightly younger
picture of myself.

- A cave drawing?

- I signed up when my bender was over.

In fact, that's my screen name.

"bender over."

- Come on, avid, is that all you got?

Move those little bird legs.