Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 1 - Free Elka - full transcript

But I thought you tell us
your husband was an accounted.

He was.
But...

After he died,
I've discovered

he was also a fensfull mob.

You know what?

I don't need the wine.
I'm ready to go now.

- As am I.

- Oh, go ahead.

I don't need sex
with you.

I have my son.

The storm knocked out all
of the reception.



Now I'm dying
to tell him

how much I want
to meet him,

and he's someplace thinking
I don't care.

- I love you!
Oh.

- Actress in a daytime drama

goes to...

Victoria chase
for edge of tomorrow.

- Oh!
Oh, my God!

- What the hell
is all this stuff?

- You had to date
a cop, didn't you?

♪ Nobody knows ♪

♪ the trouble I've seen ♪

♪ nobody knows ♪

♪ my sorrow ♪



♪ nobody knows ♪

♪ what the next line is ♪

Oh.

- Hey, fresh meat.

Pipe down.

- What's with the big m?

- Stands for murder.

- Is that what you're
in for?

- No.

It's what I've been
thinking about

ever since you started
playing that harmonica.

- So what are you
in for, kid?

- Drunk and disorderly.

Or, as I like to call it,

Tuesday.

And how 'bout you?

- Possession of stolen goods.

My husband was in the mob.

- Really.

Mine, too.

Which family?

- Palomara.

- Me too.

I thought you looked
familiar.

You're the one who brought
the ambrosia

to big Pauly's
going-away party,

aren't you?

- You brought the gabagool.

- Yes.

And you were the one
that got picked up

with all the stuff.

Tell me,

wasn't there a Faberge egg
in the stuff?

- Yes.
- Mm-Hmm.

I sold it to open
the Faberge animal shelter.

- Mm-Hmm.

- Looking back,
not the best name

to keep the heat off.

- No.

- That took spunk.

- Thank you.

- I hate spunk.

- So let's not wait
another 33 years

to do this again,
okay, stretch?

- You got it.

- Oh, hi.

- Hi.

Oh, you're right.

They do look like hookers.

- All right, you ladies
have five minutes.

- Oh, Elka,
you poor thing.

- Did you get the money?

- Well, no, not yet.

Your bail is very high.

- Did you have to insult
the judge like that?

- He called me elderly.

- Well, you are elderly.

- And he was really fat.

But it's all your stupid
cop boyfriend's fault.

- I know,
and Pete's being punished.

I am not talking to him.

- That's not how
you punish a man.

You talk more.

- We're trying to raise
your bail.

But my money
is all tied up

in my house
that won't sell.

- And mine's
in my business,

which is not doing
so hot.

Apparently,
in this economy,

$200 eyebrow shapings
are the first thing to go.

- People are plucking
their own brows?

Do we live in a third world
country now?

- Victoria.

You're loaded.

I mean,
you spend thousands

on that wrinkle stuff
made from whale urine.

- When it's used
for medicinal purposes,

it's pronounced, "your-eine."

Oh, and I haven't been able
to reach my money people

since the tornado.

Oh, I've got bars.

No offense.

And I have a message
from my business manager.

He's probably calling
to congratulate me

on my emmy.

Oh, what a magical night.

I've been walking on air
ever since.

- Oh, haven't we all.

- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

- What?
What is it?

- My business manager
has been indicted

on tax fraud.

All of my assets are frozen.

I've been madoffed!

- That's terrible.
- Honey, I'm so sorry.

- Oh, this is unfathomable.

I am Victoria chase.

I am rich and famous.

Now half of my identity
is gone.

There's no rich.
There's no and.

I'm only famous.

- You're not even
that famous.

- Victoria, calm down.

You're a strong woman.

You can get through this.

- Maybe you're right.

I mean, after all,
I did play a homeless woman

in the lifetime original movie
concrete pillow,

based on the novel
the sidewalk is my bed,

by shazique.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I can't be poor.

I'm flying private
to Chicago on Thursday

for Botox.

What a day to forget
my chill pills.

- Oh, you gotta front up
and bug down, bitch.

It's prison slang.

- You've been here
three hours.

- The joint changes you.

I also know
how to kill somebody

with a toothbrush.

- Okay, listen.

There are a ton of things
we could do

to raise money, okay?

We could have a benefit,

or we could have
an estate sale.

- In Cleveland,
they're called garage sales.

- Ew.

- Well, do it.

You girls have
to figure out

some way to get money.

- Oh, bless you, Elka.

To think of me
in this time of need.

- For me, you idiot.

I'm in frickin' jail.

- I carried this evening purse
on the red carpet

at the 2008
people's choice awards.

- Didn't Susan Lucci
win that year?

- That's irrelevant
to the story.

- I'll give you a buck fifty.

- This retailed for $4,000.

- But it's so small.

- No, that's what makes it
so chic.

It screams, "I have people
to carry my things."

- But what if you
don't have people?

- I don't know.

I-I mean,
I really don't know.

- I would really like
to buy something

to help Elka.

I mean...

Don't you have anything larger
than a size 4?

- I certainly hope not.

- Oh, I'll get it.

- Hello, Melanie.

- Hi, Rick.

Boy, I haven't seen
you since--

- since you saw
all of me?

- Yeah, you know what?
That's all been forgotten.

- Really?

Me completely disrobing

because I mistakenly
believed

that you were attracted
to me?

That's totally
out of your head?

- Well, it's back now.

- Well, actually,
I'm here to see Joy.

For some reason,
our hemp-loving mailman

delivered this letter
to my home by mistake.

Excuse me, Joy.

I opened this
before I saw

who it was addressed to.

- Oh.

It's from the I.N.S.

- Mm-Hmm.

You, my dear,
are in need of a green card.

Joy.

My darling.

My English muffin.

Would you marry me?

- Marry you?
What are you talking about?

- Well, it's not
that complicated.

I mean,
we're all familiar

with movies like
the proposal and green card.

I'll be your Ryan Reynolds.

Your Gerard Depardieu.

- Absolutely not.

- Well, don't misunderstand.

I mean, the whole marriage
would be a complete sham.

I would expect nothing
in return.

- Then why would you do it?

- Let me demonstrate.

E-excuse me.

Miss?

- Yes?
- Hi.

I'm Rick, and--
and this is Joy,

my fiancee.

I notice your expression
just changed.

You were surprised
to hear

that we were a couple.

- Well, yes,
I guess I was.

- I don't want to put words
into your mouth.

But several explanations
may have popped

into your head.

He must have money.

Or he's extraordinarily
gifted in bed.

Or he's so incredibly
wonderful

that she was able
to overlook

his nonconformist
body type.

Did any of these thoughts
occur to you?

Please be honest.

- Yes, all three of them.

- Very good.
You've been most helpful.

We are so gonna get me laid.

- Look, Rick, dear.

I appreciate
the offer, really,

but I've had letters
like this before,

and I've always been able
to work it out.

I don't need
a fake marriage.

- Would you do it
just for me, then?

- Hell no.

- Y-your mouth is saying,
"hell no,"

but your eyes
are just saying merely, "no."

Now they're saying,
"hell no."

Hm.

So what is all this?

- Oh, we're trying
to raise Elka's bail money.

Unfortunately,
nothing's selling.

- Of course not.

These L.A. fripperies
have no value here.

You have to offer people
something they want.

Like my balls.

- Excuse me?

- I'm a collector
of sports memorabilia.

Clevelanders love
their teams.

People would pay
any amount of money

for the right item.

- Really?
- Oh, yes.

Collectors have been drooling
over my balls

for years.

- Can't you just say
baseballs?

- I also collect
basketballs and footballs,

so no.

- Melanie, come on.
Please let me in.

- I'm not speaking
to you, Pete.

Go away.

- Will you at least
open the door?

- All right.

But it's not gonna change
one little thing.

Oh.

Hello.
- Good afternoon, ma'am.

I'm officer-in-training
Jack Appel.

- I'm Melanie Moretti.

It's very nice
to meet you.

I-I must have seemed awful
just now.

Normally, I'm much friendlier.
I really am.

People actually comment
on it.

I would ask him
to vouch for me,

but I'm not speaking
to him

because he put somebody
that I care about in jail.

- When an officer
of the law

sees a crime
being committed,

it's his sworn duty
to make the arrest, ma'am.

- See?

- Well, now I'm not speaking
to you, either.

- I'm sorry, ma'am.

- And don't call
a woman "ma'am".

We hate it.

Call us "miss"
until the day we die.

- Hey, guess who just sold
Victoria's chill pills

to the stoner mailman?

- Well, we know who the bitch
is gonna be.

- You're being deported?

- My immigration status
was already in question,

and now,
thanks to this arrest,

they're gonna ship me
back to England.

I need to clear my head.

I need a plan.

Oh, who am I kidding?

I need a drink.

Take out that loose cinder block
over there.

You'll find a baggie
of raisin wine.

- Seriously?

"Chateau neuf d'Elka."

- It's a good vintage.

2:00.

- You know...

This isn't my first time
behind bars.

I was a bit
of a wild child

in my teen years.

Um, I'm not proud
of it now,

but I did my share
of shoplifting.

Anyway...

My rebellious phase
was brief.

Getting pregnant and giving
my son up for adoption

really sobered me up.

- Have you heard
from him yet?

- I haven't told
anyone yet,

but he sent me an email

saying he has cold feet

and wants to take
some more time

before meeting me.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Me, too.

Ugh, this whole thing
has got me thinking

about time passing.

Mistakes I've made,
regrets.

Getting older.

- Oh, you're a barrel
of laughs.

You shouldn't worry so much
about getting old.

There's a secret
that nobody tells you.

You don't feel old.

You feel like yourself.

- Really?

- Well, obviously,

the--the woman looking
back at me

from my mirror
isn't young.

She bugs me sometimes.

- I know.
It's weird, isn't it?

I look at pictures
of myself in my 20s

when I obsessed
over every little flaw,

and I just want
to shake the girl

and tell her to relax
and enjoy it.

- I look at pictures
of me in my 70s,

and I think that.

- Well, that gives me hope.

- It shouldn't.

I started out
prettier than you.

- When are you gonna stop
being mad at me?

- When you stop
arresting my friends.

- She committed a crime

in front
of a rookie officer

who was watching
my every move.

She was selling
a controlled substance.

- Will you stop being
such a narc?

- But I am a narc.

It--it's on my badge, see?

I'm in narcotics.

- Officer szymborska,

chief has arrived
and is ready for you.

- On my way.

I gotta go.

Um, I'm, uh, kind of getting
a commendation

for all the, uh, arrests
I've been making.

Um, there's also a dinner.

Should I put down plus one?

Right.

I'm calling you
later, though.

- Hey, jailbirds.

I smuggled in breath mints.

- That's the least
of our problems.

- Not the least.

- Ladies, I have
the most amazing news.

In our mailbox,

we received
from an anonymous donor

a cashier's check.

There's enough here
to free Elka

and get me to Chicago
for my Botox.

- That's great!
- Oh, thank God.

- What about me?

- Oh, yes.
You.

Well, you seem to be
holding up rather well.

These vertical lines
are just so slimming.

- I can't believe

you're choosing
injections of botulism

over your best friend.

Doesn't that worry you?

- Well, yes, of course it does.

But I figure
if I can get to Chicago,

then at least
I won't look worried.

- You know, Rick,

in all the years
you've been my Agent,

I've always refused
to do nudity.

But now I--

well, you could at least
let me finish the sentence.

You see what poverty
has reduced me to.

My life is over.

- Victoria, come on.

We're here to celebrate.

- Yes, you're right.

Two of my pals
just got out of prison.

Oh, my God, I sound
white trash already.

By this time tomorrow,

I'll be listening
to skynyrd

and wearing a tube top.

- Who do you have to shank

to get a drink
around here?

- I'll go check
what the holdup is.

Excuse me, bartender.

- Oh, hello, Joy.

Everyone's admiring
my balls.

- Your baseballs.

- In this case, yes.

I sold a few of them
to the bar.

There's Bob Feller,
Al Rosen,

Rocky Colavito.

- You sold all these?

- Mm-Hmm.

- Wait a minute.

You're the anonymous donor,
aren't you?

- Guilty.
- Wow, Rick.

That truly was
a lovely thing to do.

- Well, merely squaring
a debt.

You may find this
hard to believe,

but mine was an awkward
and lonely youth.

Elka gave me
my first ball.

I thought my head
was going to explode.

- Please start saying,
"baseball."

- In this case,

it's best to leave it
ambiguous.

She was very giving
to me

when I needed it
the most,

and--and on that day,

a 35-year-old
became a man.

- Well.

Whatever the reason,
we're grateful.

You know,

about your earlier offer.

- Oh, the one that you
so summarily rejected?

- Yes, well,
thing have changed,

and I need a green card
right away,

so here goes.

I'm so desperate.

I guess I will marry you.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That can't be how you pictured
a proposal response.

- No, that's exactly
how I pictured it.

I'm a realist.

But I didn't ask you again.

- Oh, okay.
Go ahead.

- Not so fast.

The tables have turned.

I'd like you
to do the asking.

- Okay.

- In the traditional manner.

- Why is Joy getting
down on her knees

in front of Rick?

- Prison changes a woman.

- Well.
I have news.

Elka, Rick was the one
who bailed you out.

- Why, that dear, sweet,

surprisingly tender boy.

- Wait a minute.

Are you saying
that he's rich?

- Back off.
He's mine.

- Hey, wait a minute.

I'm the only one
who's seen him naked.

- You keep thinking that.

- What I'm saying is,
we're engaged.

- What?

- Joy, how are we supposed
to feel about this?

- Well--

It's the only way
I can stay in this country.

So we have to make it seem

very real
and believable.

So...

I'm engaged!

- I'll be right back.

- That's your fiancee?

Wow.

You must be...

- yes, yes, I am.

I'd like a bottle
of your best champagne

and a side order
of your telephone number.

Nothing lasts forever.

- You're terrible.

- Oh, I know.

- Ricky.

- Elka.

A vision, as always.

- I just wanted
to thank you

for what you did
for me.

- No, I want
to thank you

for what you did
for me.

We will always have
the summer of '97.

- Blame it on coolio.

- Melanie.

- Pete, I'm not talking
to you.

- You don't have to speak
to me.

Just listen.

Look, I-I'm sorry
that doing my job

has hurt our relationship.

But I'd be even sorrier
if I didn't tell you

what's been on my mind
all day.

Last night,
in the tornado,

I heard you yell,
"I love you."

But when I started
to yell it back,

some leaves flew
into my mouth,

and it ruined the moment.

So maybe you don't want
to hear it right now,

but...

I love you too.

- Oh, Pete.
I love you too.

- Oh.

- What's the screw
doing here?

- He told me
he loved me,

so we're not mad
at him anymore.

And he's gonna stop
arresting my friends, right?

- Champagne for everyone!
- Ah.

- Oh, what are we
celebrating?

- Joy's fake engagement
to get a green card.

Got a problem
with that, puerco?

- Congratulations.

- A toast.

To losing my balls
and getting a wife.

- Sounds like a real marriage
to me.