Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 1, Episode 10 - Tornado - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland was recorded
in front of a live studio audience!

Elka!

Elka!

- Let us in!
- Please, elka,

the tornado is coming!
***

- Maybe she's not down there.
- Oh, she's down there.

It wreaks of pot and I can even ***.

Elkaa!

Victoria!

Why aren't you at the airport?

*** all over the place.



Now why aren't you down there yet?

Elka is not letting us in!

Well she has to!

It's ***.

- What?
- This must be her grow house.

Elka, we don't care about
your stash, just let us in!

Okay!

But you better be cool!

Oh, my God.

Repeating our top story,

the national weather service

is putting the greater
Cleveland area

under a tornado watch.

Stay tuned for the latest
updates and in...



What are you doing?

Well, I'm calling Paris.

My dress for the daytime Emmys

still hasn't arrived.

But that was lifesaving
information.

Yeah, so is this.

Oui, hello?
C'est moi encore.

Chercher ma robe maintenant,
ou des tetes tomberont!

Bloody French.

You don't even know
who she's talking to.

Don't need to.

What's happening?

- If my one-of-a-kind
couture gown

doesn't arrive within the hour,

then my private jet'll never
make it to L.A. by showtime.

Who'd you have to sleep with
to get a private jet

out of of Cleveland?

I resent that comment.

And it's not who think.

Even if your dress does arrive,

you're never gonna be able
to fly in this weather.

Ah, weather be damned.

'Cause now that edge of tomorrow
is been canceled,

this'll be my very last chance
to show that Susan Lucci

who the real queen
of daytime is.

Judge Judy?

You know, darling...

Instead of making fun,

perhaps you should go and find

the bottom half of your skirt.

- I have a date.
- Oh!

Oh, why pretend?

It's a booty call.

Booty call.

Do people still say that?

People do,
but I'm not sure joy should.

Remember that hot guy
at the coffee shop?

- Oh, yeah, the one
with no long-term potential.

Well, I've decided
all I need him for

is the short term.

I don't mean to be crude,

but I really need
a good rogering.

In this weather?

"In this weather"?

Oh, would you relax?

Elka says tornadoes
never hit Cleveland.

She also said
Lebron wouldn't leave.

Look...
I'm the only one here

who hasn't gotten lucky.

I've dated the guy
I thought was my son

and the guy I thought
was a murderer.

But for whatever reasons,
those did not work out.

So what do you know
about this guy?

Nothing!
And that's the beauty of it.

I only need to know
what he's going to do

between 12:00 and 1:00.

Or 12:00 to 12:18.

I've clocked it.

Well, just keep your phone on,

because if this tornado
gets any worse,

I want to be able
to get a hold of you.

Fine.

Oh, my God, look at that wind!

Her clothes are gonna
fly right off!

That's the plan!

What is all this stuff?

I feel like
I'm in the goonies.

Wow.

Is this stuff real?

Is that a tiara?

Who are you?

I'm Anastasia,

the last surviving member
of the romanov dynasty.

You are?

No, but I've always
wanted to say that.

Is all of this yours?

No, it's stolen.

Oh, my God.

And now I'm going
to have to kill you!

I've always wanted
to say that too.

So you're a jewel thief?

How could that be?

It takes you 20 minutes
to walk to our mailbox.

It's not mine.
It's my husband's.

But I thought you told us
your husband was an accountant?

He was.

But...After he died,

I discovered he was also
a fence for the mob.

Wow, and you never knew?

Well, he never let me in here.

I thought he was hiding
girly magazines.

Oh, I was so relieved.

Well, why didn't you ever

turn all this stuff
into the cops?

And ruin my husband's
good name?

You know, holding on
to all of this stuff

makes you an accessory.

I mean, you could go to jail.

Well, there's that too.

So are we the only people
who have seen this?

Well, there was one time...

What you have here,
Mrs. Smith,

is a genuine Faberge egg.

Oh, what?

I couldn't resist.
I love that show.

This stuff is so shiny.

Isn't it?

I use a mixture
of herbs and such

for a special
polish polish.

Oh, my God.

This is what smells like pot.

This is why you always
smell like pot.

Why didn't you tell me?

It was fun messing with you.

Ohh!

Oh, my God,
we're all gonna die.

Melanie, Melanie, it's okay.

Victoria,

do you have a pill that can
help with this situation?

To share?

I have some potato whisky
right here.

Grab some Roman goblets.

Here, make mine a double.

Ohh, I cannot believe
that I'm trapped down here.

When a beloved artist

inhabits an unforgettable role
like honor St. raven

for the past 27 years,

and cannot get to the daytime
emmy awards

to receive her public lauding
from her peers

after being overlooked
for such a long time...

Well, then
the terrorists have won.

Listen, even
if you can't be there

to get the award,
you could still win.

Oh, but what's the point,

if I can't personally
rub it in Lucci's face?

I'm sorry,
forget about the emmy.

Let's put the tiara on.

Oh, where'd it go?

I needed cheering up.

Something kind of big
happened today.

What?

She had sex with a stranger.

How much did you pay him?

I'd be happy
to insult you back,

but I'm still kind of on edge.

Sounds like
you didn't pay him enough.

Joy, what happened?

It started off great.

I was feeling so liberated.

Since I knew there was no future
in the relationship,

I didn't care about
the things I normally would.

Would you like a back massage
or...Whatnot?

I just want to do it.

And, time permitting,
do it again.

Awesome.

Maybe we could hook up
with some funyuns

in between rounds.

And none of this
was turning you on?

No.

I wouldn't say it was
turning me on more,

but it wasn't turning me off.

I was just looking out
for my own pleasure.

I like funyuns.

It's probably
just my friend Melanie.

She available for round two?

That's just...

Oh, who cares?

I'm sorry, she's kind of
freaked out about the weather.

I think weather's cool.

Maybe don't talk.

Oh, God.

The message isn't
from my friend.

It's from my son.

- Oh, my God.
- I know!

Is that the son
you put up for adoption?

I don't have any others.

You never know with you.

The website I used to find him

gave him my information.

And he was looking for you too?

That's amazing.

Well, the nooner
thought differently.

Did you even know
the nooner's name?

Not well enough
to use confidently.

Uh, can't you
talk to him later?

No, you don't understand,
da... fra...

Dude.

This is a big deal.

See, I gave him up
for adoption,

and this is the first time
I've heard from him, ever.

What should I say?

When my mom has guys over,

she says she's taking a nap.

Just kind of
emotional right now.

Oh, great.

See, a million years ago,

my boyfriend and I
were in a little hotel room,

just like this one.

We used a condom
and everything,

but fertile Myrtle over here

gets pregnant
the first time out.

All the women in my family

get pregnant
at the drop of a hat.

Wait...Where are you going?

Listen...I love sex,

but, truth is...

My mom's place doesn't
have any room for kids, so...

Oh, go ahead.

I don't need sex with you.

I have my son.

You said that?

Oh, you know what I meant.

Well, what did you end up
writing back to your son?

Nothing.

The storm knocked out
all of the reception.

Now I'm dying to tell him
how much I want to meet him,

and he's someplace thinking
I don't care.

Oh, he's not thinking that.

Oh, guh!

That sounds horrible.

And Pete's out there.

They called up all
the first responders.

Ugh, I could never
be a first responder.

Maybe a fifth responder,
you know.

It's all cleaned up,
and the press can get in.

I just hope he's okay.

Oh, I'm sure he's fine.

He's probably someplace safe,
wondering if you're okay.

Well, actually, I'm not sure

he's really thinking
about me right now.

'Cause I said something
I shouldn't have.

Earlier today,
I was calling my kids

to calmly assure them

that I was fine.

This may be the last time
I ever speak to you.

I just want you to know
that I love you.

I love you so much.

Please don't worry,

but...

Please save this message...

For the grandkids.

Aah! Aah!

Oh! Pete!

Oh, my God!
You're alive!

I'm so happy!

Am I getting a little insight

into how you handle a crisis?

Oh, my God, this is a crisis?

Look, baby, I'm pretty sure
the safety's on,

but you're straddling my gun.

Oh, sorry.

Be truthful.
How bad is it out there?

No, there's no need to panic.

Did you get your emergency
supplies together,

like I told you?

Yes, I packed my shoes
and my makeup,

and my clothing iron
runs on batteries.

What? Those are emergency
supplies in L.A.

I'm still learning here.

You know, you are...

Too cute.

Ahem.

Well?

Oh, my God, you look gorgeous!

Ohh.

Um, this is your idea
of an emergency outfit?

I really don't think you women
are thinking this through.

No, she's dressed
for the daytime Emmy awards.

You know, with any luck,
if I leave now,

I'll miss the tribute
to barker's beauties,

but make it in time
for everything else.

Would you please tell her
that she is crazy

to get on a plane
in this weather?

Well, she can get on it,
but it's not going anywhere.

Oh. Oh, Pete.

Dear, sweet,
small-town Pete.

How can I put this
in a way that won't offend you?

Oh, I'm dying to find out.

Well, here's how it works
with celebrities.

No matter what the weather,
our private planes take off.

And no matter how many
infractions against the law

we allegedly commit,

our autographs make it
all go away.

Do you understand?

Yeah, I think so, uh...

Well, you better get out there.

Oh, good man.

You know, I think there might
be an autograph in your future.

Wish me luck.

Okay, Victoria...

We can do this.

I played a lady storm chaser
in the lifetime movie,

lady storm chasers.

I've been through
much worse than this.

Don't worry.
She's not going anywhere.

Okay.

Attention,
all personnel report immediately

to the emergency
operations center.

The tornado watch has been
upgraded to a warning.

Oh! A warning!

- A funnel cloud has been...
- Funnel?

Spotted five miles east
of the Metro area.

The funnel! That's what
makes the cows fly!

Uh, you know, that happens
a lot less often

than that movie suggests.

Everything
will probably be fine,

but just promise me you'll go
down to the storm cellar,

just in case.

Okay, I will.
I will, I will, I will.

I'll come back to check on you
just as soon as I can.

Okay.

Just be careful out there.
Please be careful.

I love you!

Oh!

"I love you"?

You've only known him
for a few weeks.

I know, it's way too soon.

It moves things to the next
level way too quickly.

If one of us doesn't die,

it's gonna be
really embarrassing.

Do you love him?

I don't know.

It was just so emotional.

I had just talked to my kids.

I was worried about Victoria.

I was telling everybody
I love 'em.

All you said to me is,
"I'll miss you."

Well, my love for you
goes without saying.

Apparently.

Did he say it back?

You know, I couldn't tell.

The wind was so loud
I couldn't hear anything.

I don't even know
if he heard me.

Oh, I wouldn't worry
about it too much.

I've blurted it out
when I didn't mean it too.

Someone recently mistook me
for Kate Beckinsale,

and I told him I loved him.

Couldn't you
have just given him

a biscuit for his guide dog?

Dating at our age
is a very delicate dance.

You can't just go
rushing into things

and throwing
"I love yous" around.

I mean, he might not
be ready yet.

I might not be ready yet.

I just got divorced.
I moved to a new city.

I'm enjoying being single.

Oh, for heaven's sakes.

Do you want him
to say it back or not?

Of course I do.
I'm crazy about him.

Ohh!

But not with this storm

and all of us dying and all!

Oh, will you stop it?

Now, remember what Elka said.

Cleveland never gets hit
by tornadoes.

Well, nice knowing you.

Aah!

What if this really is it?

We could be right in
the tornado's path

and not even know it.

I'll never meet my son!

And I'll never know
if I won that Emmy.

And I'll never know if Pete
was gonna say "I love you" back.

Okay, we need to get this
out of our heads,

so let's just pretend
that the TV works.

Okay.

It's Emmy arrivals
at the red carpet.

Okay.

All right, now...

Who do we think
looks like crap?

I'll go first.

Lucci.

Oh, you are such a good friend.

And a liar.

Lucci rocks the red carpet.

You know, honesty is overrated.

I mean, what group of women

could stay best friends
for 20 years

without bending the truth
a little.

- 20 years?
- Yeah.

We've been through
everything together.

Let's see, between us,
six divorces...

Five of them yours.

And an endless array
of bad boyfriends.

All of them mine.

Five kids.

Two grandkids.

Nieces, please.

We've just always
had each other's backs.

For better and for worse.

I wish I had
what you three have.

Well, you do...Now.

I meant a tolerance
for your voices.

But yes.

Yay!

Wait, do you hear that?

It's quiet outside.

Maybe the storm's passed.

Or maybe we're
in the eye of the storm.

Victoria, find the news.

What, are you kidding?
No, the daytime Emmys are on.

I made a miracle comeback
from a fake illness

to win this thing.

If they call my name,
I want to hear it.

And Crystal McAllister

for the strong and the gorgeous.

Oh, my God,
this is my category.

Everybody just shut up.

And the Emmy
for outstanding actress

in a daytime drama goes to...

Victoria chase
for edge of tomorrow.

Oh, my God!

You won!

Can you believe it?

Victoria chase could not
be with us.

Accepting for her tonight,
Ms. Susan Lucci.

You have got to be kidding me.

And in my
one-of-a-kind dress.

Victoria chase is now
living in Cleveland

and recovering from some
disfiguring disease.

The words "botched"
and "surgery"

have been tossed around,

but who can say?

Although she cannot be here
with us today,

I know she must be
feeling what I feel.

Gratitude...

For all my loyal fans!

You have loved me
for so many years.

Oh, and you don't
have to worry,

because, unlike
honor St. raven,

Erika Kane will be around
to entertain you

for many, many years to come.

Get your grubby little
doll hands off my award,

you beautiful freak!

Aah!

Melanie, are you there?

Oh, Pete!
Yes, we're down here!

What's it like out there?

It's okay.
It's over.

They're working on the power,
but the storm's passed.

Everybody all right in here?

Oh, I'm so glad you're okay.

- Uhh.
- Oh, listen...

I've been thinking
about this all day.

When we said good-bye...

Yeah, I was thinking
about it too,

and, uh...

What the hell
is all this stuff?

Wait, what...
You were gonna say something.

You had to date a cop,
didn't you?