Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 1, Episode 9 - Good Luck Faking the Goiter - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recored in
front of a live studio audience.

Did you know Cleveland
was originally spelled...

c-l-e-a-v-e-l-a-n-d?

From John Moses cleaveland,

- see, their dropped the 'a'...!
- Shut up!

Thank you.

The nominations for
the daytime emmys...

- were just announced.
- Oh.

All right, who cares,
who cares, ah--

best actress.
Susan lucci...

Well-deserved.



Crystal mcallister,
nobody, nobody, and...

Victoria Chase!

Yay!
Good for you.

Oh, it's my 16th nomination.
Uh, waiter?

Uh, I realize it's only
8:00 in the morning,

but we're celebrating,
and I would like...

some champagne
in my orange juice.

You mean the usual?

Yes.

Although I've never won
this thing.

And this year, I definitely
don't have a chance.

Crystal mcallister from
the strong and the gorgeous...

pulled a really underhanded
stunt.

What'd she do?



She died.

Aka award magnet.

You know I can't compete
with death.

Oh, it's my son.

He's driving back to college
from L.A.

And I begged him to stop here
on the way.

So he's gonna be here
this afternoon.

Well, how's he doing?

You know, I don't know.
He rarely speaks to me.

I get the occasional grunt
on mother's day.

Oh, kids can be
so ungrateful.

I mean, you get them
the best nannies money can buy...

and then they blackmail you
with threats...

to write a mommie dearest.

Oh, look who's back
from Hollywood.

What was it like
doing Brad pitt's eyebrows?

Does he smell like
fresh cream...

on a fine spring morning?

'Cause that's how
I imagine it.

Elka, celebrities
are just like everyone else.

You take that back.

Oh, I'm just
starting to wonder...

if there isn't more to life...

than removing celebrities'
unwanted hair.

I think I'm having
a mid-life crisis.

Mid-life?

You know, if you really are
having a crisis,

maybe you should see
a therapist.

The only therapy I need
is liquid therapy.

Hello.

Victoria got another
emmy nomination.

Congratulations.

She can't win.

She's up against a dead girl.

You didn't have
Susan Lucci killed, did you?

No. That was just trash talk.

the oddest thing
just happened.

My Agent says that
there's this huge Internet rumor...

that I'm dying from
some disease called...

Well, I can't even remember
the name.

Flett-giordano syndrome.

And you're welcome.

What?
You started the rumor?

Well, now you can beat
the dead girl...

at her own game.

But--

but you can't just say that
I have a disease.

I've never even heard of it.

Well, no one has.
That's the beauty of it.

Uh, Victoria Chase.

Yes, I'll hold for
people magazine.

Elka.

I need a list
of really fun things...

to do in Cleveland.

Will's coming,
and we haven't really...

spoken much since
the divorce,

and I really wanna
reconnect with him.

So if you were
a 20-year-old boy,

what would you wanna do
with your mom?

Watch her buy me beer?

Hey, joy.
Where you been?

Okay, don't go all Melanie
on me,

but I decided to take
your suggestion...

and I met with a couple
of potential therapists.

Wow. How did it go?

They're all so nosy.

Asking me questions about...

my childhood
and feelings and sex...

and saying I need to come in
four times a week.

I mean, who can talk about
themselves for that long?

And then at age 12,
I decided becoming an actress...

would be the best way
to serve humanity.

No, no, no, thank you.

Oh, Elka.

You are a genius.

Elka came up with
this Internet rumor...

that I have this very,
very promotable deadly disease.

Well, I'm sure nothing could
go wrong with that.

Oh.
It's a text from my Agent.

Entertainment weekly
and in style magazine...

both want me.

Oh, and, and also,

the flett-giordano
syndrome foundation...

want to come
and meet with me here.

Oh, well, this will just
legitimize the hell out of it.

What kind of disease
is it?

I-I don't know.
Elka?

You know, I'm,
I'm happy to lie to win,

but I-I don't wanna
lose my hair or anything.

- The only symptom is fatigue.
- That's perfect.

I mean, I can play tired
in my sleep.

Ah, luckily, this disease
hasn't affected my wit.

Oh, that's will.
My baby's here.

Hi, honey!

- Hi, just a sec.
- Okay.

It's good to see you.

- Good to see you, sweetie.
- Yeah.

The facial hair
makes you look a little...

Foreign, but cute.

Come on in.

You know joy and Victoria.

- Both: Hey, will.
- Hi.

Ah, this is Elka Ostrovsky.

Nice to meet you, will.

Nice to meet you too.

Well, your mom picks up
and moves to Cleveland.

You must have
a million questions.

No, I'm good.

I fixed up the guest room
for you,

but I thought maybe
we'd go out to lunch first.

I kinda just wanna crash,
if that's cool.

Sure. Sure.
It's cool. Very cool.

Do you want me to show you
where the room is?

- I'll find it.
- Yeah. You can find it.

You're good like that.

He can find it.

I hope it's your daughter...

who's gonna decide
which home to put you in.

Well, this is fun.
The two of us.

Getting a chance to talk
and catch up...

and shoot the breeze.

So how's school?

- Good.
- Oh. Yeah?

Well, you certainly have
a lot to say...

To someone.

- What?
- Nothing.

You know.
I text. So I get it.

Sorry,
what did you say, mom?

You know, lol.
Omg.

Om--
you know what--g.

You know it's not cursing
if you say a letter, mom.

Oh, sure. Sure.

"F."
"F!"...

You know, honey.

We never got a chance
to talk about the divorce.

And we can do that,
if you'd like.

No, I get it.

Stuff happens.
I'm good.

Okay.

Did you know...

That Cleveland
was originally spelled...

c-l-e-a-v-e-l-a-n-d?

The Cleveland spelling?

You went to that?

I was desperate.

And how does that
make you feel, Melanie?

What?

It's an annoying question,
isn't it?

But all the therapists
ask it.

I've been trying
different ones every day.

It's a little bit like dating...

except you're not trying to hide
how crazy you are.

Hello. All.

Victoria, are you okay?
You look exhausted.

Oh, good.

I was just making sure...

'cause the foundation people
will be here soon.

Oh, that's will's phone.

Why is it he can talk to
everybody else but not to me?

You mustn't blame yourself.

Now I-I did absolutely
everything I could...

for both my kids.

You've got three children.

Ah.

Oh, if this phone
could only talk.

Well, it can if
you want it to.

Everything you want to know
about will is right in there.

His friends, his music,
everything.

No, no, I-I can't invade
his privacy that way.

I can.

No, put that down.
Someone's texting him.

It's from Stephanie.

"Did you tell your mom yet?

Did she freak?"...

Freak? About what?

What does he need to tell me?

Well, find out yourself.

Pretend you're will
and text her back.

I shouldn't do that.

But as a mother,

I need to know what's going on
with my son...

by any means possible,
right?

- Indeed you do.
- Absolutely.

Okay.

"How should I tell her?"...

Oh, I shouldn't have
done that.

I just totally violated
his privacy.

I am done with this.

Ooh, she texted back.

"Why are you texting
like an old lady?"...

Ah, you shouldn't have
spelled everything correctly.

Oh.

"Just tell her
we're getting married"?

Oh, my God.

He's only 20 years old.

I've never even heard of
this girl.

And how does that
make you feel?

Uh,
"my mom got married young...

and still regrets it."

That ought to do it.

"Are you trying
to tell me something?"...

What, is she stupid?

"Just that we should
slow down."

"I h8 u, d'bag."

What does that mean?

Well, 8 could be ate.
Like, "I ate something."

- Mm.
- And d'bag is like da bomb?

I hate you, douche bag.

Hey, Elka.

Thanks for letting me
borrow this.

Oh. What did you think of
my mall walk mix?

Not bad.

A little surprised by
all the Justin bieber.

Really?

I love her.

He's a guy.

They keep saying that.

But I'm not buying it.

What am I gonna do?

I-I broke them up.
He's gonna hate me.

Oh, will.
Hi, honey.

Is that my phone
in your pocket?

Or are you just happy
to see me?

Oh, God,
that's all kinds of wrong.

Uh, no. Mine.

- Okay, I'm gonna go shower.
- Okay.

Quick.
How do I write her back?

Just text her everything ys.

Yeah, compliment her face
without makeup,

and tell her it's the best sex
you ever had.

This is my son.

Oh, they're here.

All right, uh.

Look, I'd love to stay...

and help you pretend
to be your son,

but I have to go pretend
I'm dying.

Hello. I'm Victoria Chase.

This is
Dr. Lori Hernandez.

I'm Dr. Robert Moore.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Ah. Likewise.

I'm sorry for staring,

but I'm just surprised at
how well you look.

Oh, thank you,
but I'm tired.

So very tired.
Please sit.

I know that I need to.

Hmm, that's very odd.

What?

You're not limping
at all.

Limping?

It's the first symptom
of flett-giordano.

Would you just excuse me
for just one moment?

Where's Elka?

She said this thing had
no symptoms...

and I'm out there...

limping around like
Dr. house.

Elka said she looked it up
on Wikipedia.

Wikipedia?

Wikipedia says that
I'm 37.

And I should know.
I'm the one who "corrected" it.

Okay, calm down.

I'll look it up online.

Oh.

I'm terribly sorry.

Uh...

So in,
in terms of publicity,

I was thinking--

miss Chase, when exactly
were you diagnosed?

Uh, last week. Why?

The most acute symptoms...

occur within
the first week of onset.

By now, you should be
having trouble with...

facial drooping,
involuntary body spasms,

word slurring, hysteria.

Boy, this thing is awful.

Yes, it is.

That's why we applaud
your courage in going public...

with such a disfiguring
disease.

Disfiguring?

Who said anything about
disfiguring?

Well.
There's that hysteria.

Miss Chase,

I understand why
you're wearing this scarf,

but may we just take a look?

Oh, um, listen.

Could you just excuse me
for just one more second?

Wow.

This sucker's got
a lot of symptoms.

No shissh, Sherlock.

Good luck faking
the goiter.

Goiter?

Oh, my God.

That's why they wanted to see
my neck.

Oh, good lord.

Ooh.

- It worked.
- Yay.

She says she loves you
and she's sorry and--

oh, she's sending you
a picture.

Yes.

Perky.

Just erase it.
He's coming.

Done.

Hey, will.
We found your phone.

Oh, awesome, thanks.

Oh, no.

What, is something wrong?

It's just this girl,
Stephanie,

I have to break up with.

What?

She's kind of psycho
and we dated a couple months.

Now she thinks we're engaged.

Yeah, because you proposed
to her.

Were you spying on
my phone?

Ugh...
Oh, honey, yes.

And that's how I found out
you were engaged.

And I went crazy
so I texted back.

And then we broke up,

but then we got back
together again,

and now she thinks that
you love her more than ever.

Oh, honey,
I just wanted things...

to be better between us.

By doing something
completely Shady.

How could I ever trust you
again?

Oh...Honey.

No, will. I'm sorry.

Well, on the plus side
he's not getting married.

And you raised a son
with enough character...

to break up with
the wrong girl...

even though she has...

a truly spectacular set
of knockers.

And the reason
I don't have a goiter...

is because as an actress,
my...

My vocal chords
are so highly developed.

Well, 's coming.

Now, um, miss Chase,

which of your parents
is asian?

What?

Well, the disease
is only carried...

by people of asian descent,
so--

ah. Yes.

Well, my father, you'll see,
is asian.

Okay, you know what?
I just--I can't do this.

You see, I don't really have
the disease.

What?

I just said that I did
because I thought...

it would help me win
an emmy.

Well, that's...

Reprehensible.

I know.

I--I feel terrible.

As you should.

Although,
in the last week,

she has brought
the foundation...

a great deal of money
and attention.

It would be nice
not to share offices...

with the toenail fungus
people.

Wait, what are you saying?

Well, um...

If you attend
our fundraising event next week,

we promise not tell everyone
that you're a...

Despicable liar.

Well, I guess that I,

I don't really have a leg
to stand on.

No, and while we're
on that subject,

work on your limping.

Oh, and get dark glasses.

You'll be blind by then.

Oh, there you are.

Your mum went out
looking for you.

I know.

Oh, I lost her
two streets over.

Look, she made a mistake.

But she was just trying
to get you to talk.

I know.

And how does that
make you feel?

What?

Never mind.

I'm gonna tell you
how it makes you feel.

See, for the past week,
I've been seeing therapists...

and they've been trying
to get me to talk.

But I don't like it.

Partly because it's none of
their bloody business.

But mostly because
I'm afraid if...

I do start to open up
and let it out,

I might completely
fall apart.

Is that how
it makes you feel?

Yeah,
that's pretty much it.

So I just don't wanna
talk about it at all.

But it doesn't make you
any less angry, does it?

No.

Look, I understand.

My dad left my mum...

and it really messed with
my head and my trust.

And when I was in my 20s,

I let my guard down,
fell madly in love,

planned a huge wedding,
and the guy didn't show up.

- Wow, that really sucks.
- No kidding.

Must have been
so humiliating.

I don't like to dwell
on it.

I mean, just standing up there
in your wedding dress...

and all those people
staring at you?

The point is,

I know a little bit
about anger.

And it's not healthy
to hold on to it...

or to take it out
on other people.

Especially someone
as sweet as your mum.

It's killing her that
she can't connect with you.

I gotta tell you,

whoever that guy was,
it was his loss.

Thank you.

Because you must have been
so hot back then.

Yes. Way back then.

Oh. Here she is now.
Talk to her.

It'll be fine.
I promise.

Hi, sweetie.

Listen, um...

I don't know what to say.

Neither do I.

But we can try.

Really?

Yeah.

So where do you wanna start?

Well, the fact that dad's
engaged to a 25-year-old...

Or that I think I have
a crush on joy...

and I'm pretty sure
she's feeling it too?

Oh, wow.

All right.

So why did Cleveland
drop the "a" from its name?

Well, the masthead for
the newspaper?

Mm-hmm?

They figured out
that it was, like,

not long enough...

Well, we're not bffs yet,

but he did promise to text me
at least once a week.

Thank you, joy.

Oh, hey, how did
the foundation fundraiser go?

Utterly exhausting.

But it'll be worth it
just to see the smile on my face...

when I win that emmy.

And, of course,
announce my miraculous recovery.

Yes.

You know what?

You know, I feel like
I really did a good thing.

You know, which gives one
a certain glow,

a little something extra.

I'll say.

I notice even now
a few people looking my way.

In fact, quite a few people,
like...

I'm still wearing the goiter,
aren't I?

Oh, I bet it feels good
to get rid of that thing,

doesn't it?

Oh, it really does.

I was talking to
the goiter.