Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Play's the Thing - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.

What are you doing?
That's Crisco!

I can't help it. I'm delirious
from cosmetics depravation.

I rush-ordered some indonesian
rosewood oil last week,

And it still hasn't arrived.

- The indonesian rosewood
is endangered.

- I know. That's why the box
is labeled "auto parts."

- We're just going
to a wine tasting.

It's not exactly
a photo shoot for vogue.

- Yeah, well,
what if someone

Tips off
the cleveland paparazzi?



- You called three times.

He's not coming.

- Oh, elka,
have you gone goth?

- I'm going to a funeral.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Who died?

- I don't know.

Some guy, I guess.

My friend sheila
crashes funerals to meet men.

I'm going with.

- But you have max.

- Just because
I'm chained to the fence,

It doesn't mean
I can't bark at the cars.

- Good morning!



- Great morning!

- What else do you want
for breakfast?

- I really don't have much
of an appetite this morning.

- I don't either anymore.

- Well, I better
get out of here

So you women
can talk about me.

- How cute is she?

- Oh, very.

- How cute is he?

Wait, wait, wait,
I'll walk you out.

That way,
you can frisk me again.

- Well, you are
a "person of interest."

- Oh, I'll be so relieved when
the bad pun stage is over.

- It could be worse.

You know,
we hardly ever see melanie

Now that she's
dating pete.

- But I've heard everything.

Everything.

- Well, I have some earplugs
you can use.

I had to buy a box of them

Because of that owl
that keeps me up at night.

- That's not an owl,
that's them!

- Good lord,
she hoots like that?

- I think it's him.
It's weird.

- Isn't pete the best?

- "owl" say.

- What?
What's so funny?

- It's nothing.

You better get dressed
for our ohio wine tasting.

- Oh, no!
I totally forgot about that.

You know,
I promised pete

That I'd take him
hiking this afternoon.

- You're canceling
on us again?

- I'm sorry. I seem to be
doing that a lot.

But you guys
can go without me.

- Oh, no, we'll just wait
till next week.

It's no fun without you.

- Aw.

- After all, you're
our designated driver.

- Yes. I'm not gonna spit out
perfectly free wine.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

But you and I are definitely on
for our movie tonight, okay?

But can you guys blame me?
You understand, right?

He's just so cute!

Outside, I stole a kiss

And then he pretended to
read me my miranda rights,

And then he said, "you have the
right to remain adorable."

- Hear that?

It's the sound of us
all turning against you.

[doorbell rings]

- Don't get up.

- Where is she?

- I beg your pardon?

- Oh, my god.

Ms. Chase.

My name is zack adams.

Like yourself, I am a devotee
of the craft of thespis.

- Shocker.

- I am also a devotee
of honor st. Raven,

Which is why I am pleased
to give you this package

From "indonesian
beauty auto supply."

- Oh, my rosewood oil!

How did you get this?

- The mailman brought it.

I live at the same house number,
two blocks over.

And it's almost as if the hand
of god was at work,

Only it wasn't god because the
mailman does this all the time,

And I think he smokes weed.

- Well, thank you, zack.

It's always so nice to meet
such an enthusiastic fan.

- Honor st. Raven taught me
courage, determination, love...

Even how to
survive a blizzard

By crawling
inside a bear carcass.

- "I never wear fur,
but this is an emergency!"

- That was during the writers'
strike, wasn't it?

- Ah! The best six months
of my life.

- Actually, ms. Chase,

I too am in
a blizzard of sorts,

And I need you
to be my bear carcass.

- I'm intrigued.

- We're in rehearsal
for our school play

And I desperately need you
to help us not make it suck.

Even a word from you

Would be as rejuvenating as
the indonesian rosewood oil--

Which, I might add,
you hardly need.

- [laughs]

- Look, I'm flattered,

But I'm not really
a school play sort of person.

- But you have to!

We're doing
romeo and juliet,

Which I know
is the first thing

You ever acted in
in high school.

- Well, that is true.

- And our production
is doomed

Because the soccer coach is now
doubling as the drama teacher

Due of budget cuts.

- God, I hate jocks.

- You were married
to a wide receiver.

- I still don't know
what sport that was.

- Please come.

The man wants to put
the character names

On the back of our costumes.

- What kind of monster
is he?

Zack, I will be
your carcass.

- All acting is an art,

Whether some great work
on broadway

Or a production of
romeo and juliet

Right here in your little
school cafetorium.

For why else would
victoria chase

Be standing here before you
on this humble stage?

Because, believe it or not,

I was once where you are.

Albeit taller
and with better skin.

So dig deep and strive hard
to be a true artist.

Because that is when
the awards come a'calling.

And you had better be ready
because they are awesome.

[applause]

- Inspiring stuff.
- Ah, thank you.

- Campbell, I see you smirk
like that again,

I'll knock your block off.

Okay, bring it in
and take a knee.

Listen up.

We got our first show
on Friday,

And your parents
aren't paying

To see a bunch of amateur
ragtime grab-ass up here.

So let's execute!

Hands in,
"shakespeare" on three.

Everybody, know your lines
and be awesome.

One, two, three.

All: Shakespeare!

- I see what
you're dealing with here.

- Shh! Don't let him
catch you talking to me.

He'll make me do push-ups.

Boy push-ups.

- Excuse me,
is this seat taken?

- Oh.
Um...

Sorry, I'm waiting
for my friend.

- No problem.

- Is this seat taken?

- So that guy's
the bachelor?

- For this season.

- Looks like a guy
you want to punch.

- Shh! They're about to start
the rose ceremony.

- Do the women know
he's gay?

Oh, big surprise.

He chose the one with
the biggest breasts.

- And she's a paralegal.

And they made
a beautiful connection

That night he dated
those two other women.

- Oh, yeah.

Told them both
they were the one.

- You know what?

You're worse than
watching this with joy.

Oh, my god, joy!

I was supposed to
meet her at the movies!

- Excuse me,

It appears my friend
isn't coming after all.

- Thanks, I'm good.

- Coming soon...

They were
as close as sisters,

Until the summer that would
change everything.

- If you don't have friends,
you have nothing.

Nothing!

- My lips, two blushing
pilgrims, ready stand

To smooth that rough touch
with a tender kiss.

- Good pilgrim, you do wrong
your hand too much

Which mannerly devotion
shows in this--

- [whistle blows]

Barker, you're out
of position again.

Drop and gimme 20.

- This is
a waking nightmare.

- Well, everyone's just
too scared to act.

Except you, zack.
You are mercutio.

[gina clears her throat]

- This is my friend, gina.

My girlfriend, gina.

- Really. Well,
nice to meet you, gina.

And are you an actor also?

- Oh, hair and makeup.
- Ah.

- I keep telling her
I should have a beard.

- Oh, I wouldn't bother.

- All right, guys,
pick up the pace.

We need to motor
through the boring parts.

Actually, coach, I know
a couple of acting exercises

I think might loosen
everyone up.

- These kids
don't need loosening up.

They need
a swift kick in the ass.

- You know, I have worked

With tyrannical directors
like you.

It's not helpful.

Performance
is a collaboration.

- Lady, I'm just trying
to get to the sword fight.

- Romeo and juliet is not
about a sword fight.

- Well, if it was,

Maybe more people
would have heard of it.

- You are
a terrible director,

And I know a thing or two
about directing.

I took a class called "a thing
or two about directing."

- Fine, if you think
you can do better, go for it.

Just don't dehydrate them.

We've had lawsuits.

- No, but you d--

- What's all that?

- Oh, I told melanie
I'd do her brows.

- I'm surprised you're even
speaking to her,

The way
she's been treating you.

- Oh, it's okay.

So she stood me up
a few times.

She has a new boyfriend.
I get it.

- That's no excuse.

In poland, the nuns had a
saying, "kur przed koguty."

It means,
"chicks before..."

You know what.

- The nuns said that?

- It was no sound of music.

- Right.

- Thanks again
for doing this.

And again, I'm so sorry
about last night.

- Stop apologizing.
It's all forgotten.

- I just lost track of time.

Whenever I'm with pete,

I just--I forget about
everything else.

Oh, did I tell you,

This morning,
he said the cutest thing.

Ow!

- Oh, my bad.

Raw cookie dough?

Did you finally get that
peruvian tapeworm you ordered?

- No. The mule got caught
at customs again.

Look, it's opening night,
and I need this.

- I thought everything
was going great.

What's the problem?

- The problem is juliet.

She's a lox.

When she dies at the end,
no one can tell,

Because she's been
so lifeless all along.

- Doesn't she have
an understudy?

- Ah, yes, theresa.

Remind me
to send her flowers.

She had her baby
this afternoon.

God, what am I gonna do?

- Maybe your actress
is just scared.

Weren't you scared
when you started?

- Of what?
Too much adulation?

- Clearly it's hard for you
to relate to the untalented,

But imagine,
just for a second,

What it would be like
if you were one of them.

- Inspiration has struck.

I know just
what to say to her.

Oh, victoria chase's
romeo and juliet

Is going to be a triumph!

Isn't it william shakespeare's
romeo and juliet?

- Uh, well,
I tweaked a few lines,

So will and I are gonna share
credit on the program.

- The wax is hot. Ready?
- Yeah, yeah.

Can you give me a little bit
of a higher arch this time?

Because I'm meeting
pete's friends

For dinner tomorrow night,

And I want them
to think I'm pretty.

Well, you know,
and smart and stuff.

- Tomorrow night?
- Yeah.

[gasps]
oh, joy! Oh, no!

Little Italy,
you and me, dinner.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Listen, I would cancel,
but it's pete's friends,

And you know how important
friends are.

- Yes, if you don't have
friends, you have nothing.

Nothing.
- Ow!

- Ooh, boy.

- What?
What did you do?

Aah!

Where's my eyebrow?

- It's right here.

- [crying]

- And exhale.

[all exhaling]

Now, places.

Where is my juliet?

- Yeah, ms. Chase?

- How are you feeling,
francesca?

- Like I want to puke.

- Ah, that's good.
- That's good?

- Yes, yes. That means
you're afraid.

Now, do you know
what you're afraid of?

- You?

- No, realizing your dream.

Because in that dream is
the truth about yourself.

Now, I want you to
close your eyes

And visualize it.

Can you see it, francesca?

- I think so.

Yeah, I see it.

- You are confident, talented,
owning the stage.

Every line a triumph,
every gesture a revelation.

You are a young--well, younger--
victoria chase.

You are me.

- But I don't
want to be you.

- What?

- No, that's not my dream.
- But francesca--

- Look, I'm sorry,
ms. Chase, but we both know

This play's gonna be
way better without me.

- Oh, boy.

- Oh, my gosh.

Thank you, miss chase.

I see the truth
about myself, too!

And I just want to
shout it out loud!

- Not until after prom,
you don't.

- Now who's gonna
play juliet?

- Finally,
it's zack's turn.

I know all of her lines,

And besides,
it's my wig anyway.

- I think there are three
empty seats over there.

- I'm not blind,
just disfigured.

- Accidents happen.

- Yeah, accidents happen.

- A wise man once said,
"there are no accidents."

- That was freud.

- I didn't get his name.

It was just some old guy
I spilled my soda on.

- Sorry.

- Oh, now you apologize.

- I was talking to them,
not to you.

Sorry.

Still them.

Look, even if I did
do it on purpose,

On some deep,
subconscious level,

I must have had
a good reason.

- So you admit it!
- I admit nothing.

- Well, are you just
secretly upset

That I have a boyfriend?

- Of course not.
- Then what's the big deal?

- She's upset that you've been
ditching your friends

just because there's a new guy
in your life.

It's as obvious
as that hickey on your neck.

- She's right.

Aren't we past the days when
a guy comes into your life

And suddenly you become
oblivious to everyone else?

- You're right.

I have been acting a little bit
like a teenager.

But in my defense, the last time
I had a boyfriend,

I was a teenager.

I'm really sorry that
we've been in your face.

- And I'm sorry I took off
part of yours.

- So far, I hate it.

- O, then, dear saint,
let lips do what hands do.

They pray; grant thou,
lest faith turn to despair.

- Saints do not move, though
grant for prayer's sake.

- [laughs]

- Then move not, while
my prayer's effect I take.

[audience ohs]

- It's funny
'cause it's gross.

[laughter]

- Oh!

[cheers and applause]

- Honey,
that was so great!

- Best romeo and juliet
I've ever seen.

- Oh, yeah,
a lot of laughs.

- Oh, thank you.

Kelly mushlin proclaimed it
a "smash hit."

- Who?
- A tenth grader.

She writes for the school paper.

- Wow, you seem so happy.

- Well, I'm just so excited
to be back

In the legitimate theater
again.

Um, I have
an announcement to make.

Uh, the school asked
if I would stay on

As the drama advisor,
and I said yes.

- Are you serious?
That's wonderful!

- I think that might
actually be quite fantastic.

- What about your career?

- Oh, if get offered a part,

I am on the next plane
out of here.

You know, in acting, we call
that michael caine's law.

[text message chime]

- Oh.
Oh, it's pete.

He wants me
to come meet him.

But I'm telling him no.

I'm spending the evening
with my girlfriends.

- Ah!

- Because nothing in life
is as important as friendship.

- Or is it also because you look
like a hideous freak

Without your eyebrow?

- Yeah, there's that too.