Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 1, Episode 7 - It's Not That Complicated - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Mel...
Your taxi is here.

Coming...

Oh... puppy tails!

Melanie, please.
Language.

Is that what you're
wearing on the plane?

Mm. Someone's looking
to get bumped to first class.

No, as soon
as I get to New York

I have to rush
straight to Jenna's play.

I'm not gonna
have time to change.

That's a lot of boobage
for your daughter's play.



Nice girls keep
their cookies in a jar.

Yes, I know,

But Jenna set me up with
one of her friend's fathers,

And we're going
out to dinner after.

Oh, in that case, chips ahoy!

- Bye.
- Have a safe flight.

Oh, what did she forget now?

- Hello.
- Hello.

Uh, is Elka here?

Nick?

Oh, hi.

I believe you left this behind

At the dance, princess.

Well, I had to rush off
when the clock struck 9:00.



Yeah, well...

could we talk?

Oh, sure.
I'll be right out.

Oh, well, it's
a little cold and damp...

What's going on here?

I thought you went to
the dance with Max last night.

I did.

But then Nick
asked me to dance,

And one thing led to another.

You cheated on Max?

Twice.

First a waltz,
and then a polka.

That's it?
You danced?

A polka!

The polish forbidden
dance of love.

I'm gonna go out there

And tell him it was
just one of those things.

No. No swinging.

Oh, you're not a swinger?

I feel guilty enough already.

I had fun last night
but I'm engaged to Max.

Yeah, Max is
my friend too, you know.

But last night,
when we were dancing,

You can't deny
you felt a spark.

Well, orthopedic shoes
on soft carpet...

* I wanna polka,
I wanna polka *

* I wanna polka *

Oh, no!
It's happening again!

Let's get naked.

Oh, stop it.

All right, you win.
I'm gonna go.

But I'm not giving up.

'cause faint heart
never won fair maiden.

Oh, boy!
There's my pacemaker.

Probably telling me
I'm overstimulated.

Oh, baby.
Jenna, you were brilliant!

I got applause!

I did, right?

I mean, it wasn't just
you clapping like a maniac?

Hey, I wasn't even clapping.

I was too busy yelling,
"that's my daughter!"

Weird, I thought I
heard some man yelling it too.

I did too.

But dad said
he couldn't make it

Because Kim
had a yoga emergency.

Yeah, well...
Whatever that is.

And frankly, I'm glad.

Because I'm not quite prepared

To run into
your father right now.

Well, then this is awkward.

Hello, Anders.

Thank you.

Who are they for?

There's no name.

Probably from my stalker.

I see he got your
change of address card.

"to the girl with more curves
than the Medina freeway."

They're for me.

From Nick.
He's the poet.

That's poetry?

What does it
say on your flowers?

So Nick is not gonna
take no for an answer, huh?

No.

I've never been
in a triangle before.

You girls are slutty,
what would you do?

Geometry's more
Victoria's specialty.

She's been in
triangles, squares.

Yeah, I was almost
in a hexagon once, but...

At the last minute,
the twins dropped out, so.

- Hi.
- Hey, how did it go?

Well, Jenna rocked,
and Anders and I made out.

See, slutty.

Anders was there?

You kissed Anders?

How did this happen
and where was Kim?

Oh, Kim didn't show,
and my date never happened.

And then Anders and I took
Jenna out to dinner,

And then we met up
for drinks afterwards,

And before knew it
all these little, old feelings

Snuck up on me
and just blindsided me.

Bloody feelings,
spoil everything.

I know this sounds crazy,

But you know
those dumb romantic comedies

That I love so much?

Well, I felt like
I was in the middle of one.

I could just
hear the announcer...

"sometimes the one you're
looking for

Is the one that
was there all along."

"only the biggest hearts
can love more than one."

"she mastered
the craft of acting,

And then
the art of loving."

I'm ashamed to be a woman.

Listen,
fooling around with exes

Is a perfectly natural
and often beautiful part

Of every relationship.

I've slept with all of mine.

- Even the gay one?
- Yes.

He was questioning his
questioning of his sexuality.

But as soon
as we hit the sheets,

We got into a discussion
about thread count,

And well, game over.

Melanie, what have I
told you about romantic movies?

That they're never
as good as their trailers.

Yes, and that they have
nothing to do with real life.

It was one makeout session,
it's over, forget about him.

It's Anders.
"I need to see you again."

Write back "no."

And put one of those frowny
faces with the angry eyes.

I'm texting him back,
"I'm not sure."

I'm gonna have
to think about this.

"while I'm waiting,
can I use your bathroom?"

Anders, this is crazy.

You're engaged to Kim.

Well, truth is, we've
been having some problems.

Ha! Typical.

He breaks up with his bimbo,

Then comes
running back to Melanie.

That's just morally wrong.

I say we kill him.

We can't do anything now.

I mean, we're in
girlfriend purgatory.

If we tell her to dump him

And they end up
getting remarried,

Then we're screwed.

But if we don't say anything

And he ends up breaking
her heart again,

We're screwed.

God.

I miss you, Melanie.
And I miss us.

Well, there are times that,
you know, I miss you too.

But...

Oh, okay.

One dinner
wouldn't hurt, right?

We're screwed.

Screwed, stewed, and tattooed.

That's from a
Tennessee William's play.

I played Esmeralda
in summer stock.

You know, I didn't think

You'd be able to make
this about yourself.

I underestimated you.

Oh, joy.

I just had
the scare of my life.

Did you get dressed
under overhead lighting again?

Yes, and I'm thinking about

Getting the plans out
again for Victoria 2.0.

And I need you to either
talk me into it or out of it.

No sag, visible ribbage, mm.

Hey, people eat in here!

Don't you have
a house of your own?

I need advice.

Both Max and Nick
have invited me

To the senior center
luau tonight.

What time is the luau?

Dinnertime.

4:30.

So go to the luau with one,

And meet the other
after for a nightcap.

Thank you, I'll stay home.

Yeah, but that's
the opposite of what I said.

I know.
I've seen your love life.

Oh, sugar foot!

I always trip on
that gosh darn step.

Ugh, it's like
a Mamet play in here.

Okay, I need your help.

Do you guys think Mirabella's

Is too romantic a place for
a lunch with Anders?

Why is everyone always asking
us for romantic advice?

Yeah, since when did
we become the gay best friend?

You guys gotta help me,
I'm so confused.

On the one hand, it took me
a long time to get over Anders.

Well, then cancel lunch.

But on the other hand,

I've always dreamed
he'd come crawling back.

Then go.

They make a delicious
chocolate mousse for two.

It's probably even better

If you have someone
to share it with.

You're sending mixed messages.

We're just
staying wisely neutral.

Please, just give me
something, anything!

Okay, whenever I'm considering
getting back with an ex,

I always try on
the wedding ring he gave me.

Oh, and then if you slip it on

And it feels right you know?

Actually, I go more
by how many karats

Are bouncing light
back into my eyes.

But I'm sure your way
would work too.

Mel's not ready.

We're here to stall.

Would you like some wine?
Uh, no.

Actually what I could
use is some advice.

Hm, again with the advice.

Oh, just embrace it.

Kim and I are
getting back together,

And I'm flying
back to L.A. Today,

And I don't know
how to tell Melanie.

Ah.

I've never kneed a man
in his manhood before.

I could get used to it.

- Listen...
- What did we say about talking?

Now I have pointy knees too.

Listen, I've
come up with a plan,

But I'm gonna need your help.

I have told you before,

I am far too recognizable
to help you hide a dead body.

What?
Sh!

We are not gonna
let him hurt Melanie again.

Because this time you're
gonna let her break up with you.

No, but she doesn't
wanna break up with him.

She will when
we're done with her.

And you better act sad.

In fact, you better cry.

Or I'll give you
something to cry about.

I'm good.

Just wait for my signal.

Oh, I thought I heard voices,

Is Anders here?
No, it wasn't him.

Child collecting money,
some tragedy.

Oh, God, you actually
put on the ring?

Yeah, I did, and
now I can't get it off.

Maybe it's a sign.

It is.

A sign that Anders is the devil
and should burn in hell.

What happened
to neutral girlfriends?

Well, we decided that
we owe you better than that.

The neutral is the one color
that I cannot play.

You don't need Anders anymore.

The old Melanie
may have needed him,

But the new Melanie is fabulous,
confident, and independent.

- I have changed.
- Yes.

What hasn't changed is Anders.

Now he cheated on you,

And now he's
cheating on Kim with you.

The new Melanie deserves
far better than the old Anders.

- Ooh, that's good.
- Thank you.

I mean she's right.

I didn't think of it that way.

He is still cheating, isn't he?

He hasn't changed at all,
but I have changed.

- We just said that.
- Shut up.

So whenever he gets here...

By the way, what kind
of a guy keeps you waiting?

You know what
you have to do, right?

Yeah, I guess.

I do wanna move forward,
not backward.

Ah! Perfect timing.

Okay, now stay strong
and stick to your guns.

This is gonna be really hard.

Or incredibly easy.

Who can say?
Ah.

- Good-bye, Anders.

I really do think this is
the best for both of us.

Oh...

You really do look
like you're in a lot of pain.

I can honestly say I am.

What's happening now?

She's making some sappy speech

And he's
overplaying like crazy.

It's like one of
those warm moments on glee.

She's coming!

Act natural.

Well, I feel terrible.

He was crushed.

Well, better him than you.

So...
Who's up for mojitos?

Ah.

Guys, I know
you don't like him,

But he was really
sincere this time.

I mean, he cried.

I have never
seen him cry before.

Maybe he has changed.

Maybe he's new Anders,

And new Melanie
just made a big mistake.

Noo.
No, no, no, no mistake.

New Melanie, good.

Maybe this is like those
movies that I love so much.

And this would be the scene

Where I Chase him
to the airport

And I catch him
at the very last minute.

Those movies are stupid.

I mean, by the time you park,
get the shuttle,

All that running...
they're just stupid, okay?

What if he's so happy to see me

He just lifts me up
in his arms.

Oh, it'd be so romantic.

I'm going.

Melanie, stop.

Anders and Kim
got back together.

What?

He didn't know how to tell you,

So we made him promise

To let you break up
with him this time.

So you wouldn't get hurt again.

are you kidding me?

How could you guys
do this to me?

It was all joy's idea.

I just got swept up.

You and I were both innocent
pawns in her little game.

Where are you going?

To catch him before
he gets on that plane!

Should we have gone after her?

No. You know
how these movies work.

The well-meaning best friends
don't show up again

Until she
marries the right guy,

And that's way, way, way
at the end of the thing.

One of us winds up dancing with

The bride's Randy grandfather,

And the other one hooks up
with the handsome cater waiter.

- I call the cater waiter.
- Fine.

Oh, did I mention
that the Randy grandfather

Is a billionaire?

Fine.

Did I mention the cater waiter's
a secret prince?

And did I mention
that the grandfather

Is aging backwards,
like Brad Pitt.

Ooh, Anders!

Anders, Anders!

Ticketed passengers
only, ma'am.

Oh, I know, but that man
in the blue shirt and khakis,

I gotta get him back.

See, I listened
to my girlfriends,

And I shouldn't have. So now
I just have to make it right

Before he gets on
that plane, please.

Wow. This is
just like the last scene

In all of those
romantic comedies.

Yeah, where time is
of the essence.

Jennifer, there's a guy wearing

A blue shirt and khakis
headed your way,

Could you send him back please?

Thank you.
Thank you so much.

I just need one more chance
to tell him how I feel.

So let me guess.

You worked with him,
but you never saw him

As the kind of guy
you would go out with.

Or... or you
were complete opposites,

Until the stuck-up rich guy
you were about to marry...

Melanie...

What's going on?

Anders, joy and Victoria
told me everything.

But before you
get on that airplane

I really need to
tell you how I feel.

You are the biggest [...].

You [...] cheated on me
while we were married,

And then you used me to
cheat on your [...] fiance

Because you don't know
what the [...] you want?

You are a selfish [...]!

Who doesn't think about
anybody else but himself,

So you know what, you
can just go [...] yourself!

Really saw
that going another way.

Ooh, puppy tails!

Oh, hello there, Max.

Is Elka here?

She isn't returning my tweets.

Come in.

Hello,

I'm looking for a little
bit of heaven in a track suit.

Ah.

She should be
around here somewhere.

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

I came to see my girl.

Your girl?

Oh, Elka...

You have company.

Nick, Max,
what a colorful surprise.

I told you I
wasn't going to the luau.

You've been cheating on
me with this putz?

Putz? What the heart wants
the heart gets, cue ball.

It was one polka.

It was just physical,
it didn't mean anything.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You have to admit
what we have between us

Is raw and powerful.

I'll introduce you
to raw and powerful.

Put 'em up, if
you can still get them up.

- Really, huh?
- Come on.

When I get through with you,

You're gonna be eating your bran
muffin through a straw.

Please, please...

Fighting isn't gonna
help Elka make up her mind.

Sure it is.

Hey!

What's going on in here?

They're fighting over Elka.

Oh!

So what happened with Anders?

Ah, it was wonderful.

The old Melanie, she was
too nice to let it out.

But the new Melanie,
she let it fly.

I dropped the f-bomb,
like, 15 times.

I could not be more proud.

- So what did you say.
- Oh, you wouldn't believe it.

The security guard was there,

Take the hen party outside,

You're ruining my fight.

Come on, guys.
Mix it up.

No, I don't wanna win
you in a fight.

You know I want you.

If you wanna
be with this shrimp,

So be it.
I just want you to be happy.

Oh, Max, that's so you.

And I love that.

- You do?
- Of course.

That's why I'm your girl,
and always will be.

I'm sorry, Nick.
Yeah, yeah.

That's all right,
I gave it my best shot.

Who can blame you?

You know, there'll
be a whole sea of blue hair

At the luau tonight.

How about you
just go and dive in?

- Uh-oh.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I was just picturing it.

Hi, Evelyn.
Love your shirt.

those coconuts real?

Excuse me.

Can I get
a stick of butter, please?

I know you're upset,
but let's not go crazy.

I'm not gonna eat it,
I can't get this ring off.

Well, I'm glad
you told Anders off.

And I hope this
cures you of your belief

In all that romantic
comedy nonsense.

I hear music swelling.

hi.

Is this your wedding ring?

Well, it was.

So it's mine now?

no, it's complicated.

Well, how
about I buy you a drink

And you explain it to me?

I'd like that.

I'm Melanie.

Nice to meet you, Melanie.

I'm Pete.

Nice to meet you, Pete.

What are you doing?

Hey, she caught one
by accident,

Imagine if we aimed?

Unbelievable.

Shut up, I hear music swelling.

Here's your butter.

Enjoy.

Oh, what the hell.

Desperate much?