Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 1, Episode 6 - Meet the Parents - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Hey.

So how was the farmers' market?

Weird.

In L.A., a farmers' market

means Sushi, pate, and gelato.

This was just a bunch of stuff

grown by farmers.

Your mother called, by the way.

- Oh, no.
- Did you tell her I was dead?



Wait. Whose mother called?

- Melanie's.
- Oh, thank God.

She wants to come for a visit,

and I told her this
weekend would be good.

No!

Why did you say that?

Because I knew this
would be your reaction.

You're fun to fluster.

Oh, come on, your mum's as sweet as pie.

All mine does is criticize me.

I like her already.

At least yours isn't
insanely overprotective.

All my life my mom
was afraid I'd get sick

or hurt or lost.



Halloween--I was only allowed
to trick-or-treat at two houses,

mine and my grandparents.

And I had to wear my
coat over my costume.

And then when I took the candy home,

I had to throw it away,

because there might
be razorblades in it.

From your grandparents?

My mother trusted no one.

Well, in my house, it
was all about my father.

That man is monumentally self-absorbed.

Well,
my--

joy, please, I am not finished.

He's just one of those actors who thinks

the whole world revolves around him.

You
know--

why is everyone interrupting me?

My father and I argued about everything.

The last fight we had

was about whether or
not the gun was loaded.

Two days later, bam-o!

Heart attack.

Oh, my God.

Your parents aren't
gonna be around forever.

Bam-o!

You know, I do owe my father a visit.

And I owe my mother a
son-in-law and grandchild.

I know, because she reminds
me every two minutes.

Well, my mother is coming.

So why don't you just invite
your dad and your mom here?

Oh, my mother would never
step foot in this country.

That's why I moved here.

I could invite my father, but watch out.

I mean, he hits on
everything that moves.

I like him already.

actually, I feel quite
at home here in Cleveland.

When I last played the play house,

I received six curtain calls

and three hotel keys.

You know when I played
honor st. Raven--

it was a little gem called the tempest.

You know, Victoria could
have done Shakespeare

had she not squandered
her talent on television.

She got fan favorite
plaque from tv guide.

Not helping.

She was really very
good on edge of tomorrow.

I don't watch that much television.

Of course not.

It doesn't have a mirrored surface.

Sorry about the drill.

My mom couldn't relax

until she put a dead
bolt on the back door.

So where were we?

Curtain calls, comma, mine.

I believe I set my personal
record at the broadhurst--

ten.

You remember, Victoria.

That was the night I
invited your sorority sisters

to my dressing room.

Yes, yes, I remembered that

to various therapists for years to come.

You girls...

You were just asking to
be robbed and murdered.

Oh, now, can I
get you anything--

some more chips or--or
a cocktail napkin?

Ma, ma, ma, no, we
just want more of you.

You haven't sat for two minutes.

Oh, no, no, no, let me do that.

It's hot.

Mmm, my favorite, hot
spinach and breath dip.

- You look cold. Are you cold?
- No, I'm fine.

I'm going to get you my shawl.

I must say, melanie--
divorce becomes you,

as it has me, several times.

And, joy, you look as lovely as ever.

Oh...

Thank you, Alex.

You look great too.

Oh, thank you.

I like to think I can still
play the romantic lead.

I like to think I had a happy childhood.

Will you please stop smiling?

I can't.

Deep down I feel bad for you,

but everywhere else, I'm just so happy

my mother's an ocean away.

There you are. That's better.

Thanks, mom. Thanks. Now,
will you please sit down?

Oh, of course.

Oh! But first I have to give you

your housewarming present.

Now, I didn't know what you needed,

so I just brought you some sunscreen

and a new rape whistle.

Gee, thanks.

'Cause nothing warms a
home like a rape whistle.

Somebody's getting cranky.
Your blood sugar must be low.

Here, eat some cheese.

Oh, are you still having trouble

with your irritable bowel?

Her sister used to call her "smellanie."

We used to call Victoria "sticktoria"...

Built like a boy.

I'm sorry.

I'm just so happy.

What just happened?

I suddenly felt a chill.

It's almost like there's a
sinister presence in the room.

Good
news, joy--

your mother came after all.

She's my new Internet buddy.

Mother?

Oh, dear God.

What's going on around your eyes?

How did this happen?

Elka video-messaged me back

after you so rudely logged
off on me the other day.

Well, you'd already criticized my hair,

my clothes, and my posture.

I thought we were done.

You know, rejoyla, when you're snarky,

something unfortunate
happens to your face.

She knows. I tell her all the time.

So this is where you two are hiding.

Yeah, I told my mom I smelled gas.

That should keep her busy for a while.

Oh, it's crazy, I know,

but what, my father's
been here two days,

and I'm reverting

to this 12-year-old
needy little girl again.

Do you know I became an actress

because I thought it
would get his attention?

I thought you said

it was because the drama
geeks had better drugs.

I didn't say it was the only reason.

Well, my mom hasn't
let me leave the house

since she got here.

It's my childhood all over again.

She just wants me to
stay at home and eat.

- I was raised like a veal.
- Hmm.

That's better than
being raised by a ham...

Who tries to pork everybody.

I don't know what you
two are complaining about.

Your parents are leaving tomorrow.

Mine's gone viral.

You know, if I thought
it would do any good,

I would tell my father off.

He just wants what he
wants when he wants it

without any regard for
how it might affect me.

Boy, I would just love

to tell my mom how I really feel.

Why do Americans always feel
that spewing their emotions

will make them feel better?

In britain, if we have a family dispute,

we follow a time-honored tradition

passed down from one
generation to another.

What's that?

We get rat-assed drunk.

I'll be back with more wine.

No, no, no. No, no.

No, you do the shot first,

then the beer.

Brilliant.

Wait till I tell the garden club.

Oh, hi, joy.

I'll leave you two. I've got work to do.

These tracksuits don't
bedazzle themselves.

Hello, mum.

Darling, don't slouch.

I'm standing perfectly straight.

And that's just sad.

Speaking of sad, are you dating anyone?

Bye, mum.

Having a bit of a dustup
with the dear old mater?

Oh, you know.

You don't have to tell me. I intuit.

I also see someone
in--in dire need

of some tension reduction.

Here, let's get the ball rolling.

Oh, that's quite all right, Mr. Chase.

Oh, please. Alex.

Mr. Chase is what it says
on my dressing-room door.

Oh, hey, it's my good friend,

your daughter, Victoria.

You have got to be kidding me.

I'll just go drink this on the porch.

Victoria--

daddy, I think it's time that
you and I had a little talk.

- Where's Victoria?
- Having a chat with her dad.

What happened to
getting rat-assed drunk?

It's too late for her. We
can only save ourselves.

I've sniffed
everywhere--no gas.

But I'm a little concerned about radon.

Ma, you can't smell radon.

That's what concerns me.

Why don't you just go
get dressed for dinner?

Oh, why don't we just stay in?

Ma, I already told you

I would like to take you out to dinner.

I made reservations.

But it's getting dark.

And most car accidents happen at dusk.

Ma, you know what?

You got to stop, 'cause
you're driving me crazy.

Oh, uh, I'll just go drink this

somewhere where people aren't.

I think we need to talk.

Oh, my God. My skin is tingling.

- That was such a rush.
- I know.

My adrenaline is really pumping.

Do you think that burns calories?

I feel like it does.
I'm gonna order fries.

First, I told I was upset
because he hit on joy.

And that led to how
he ignores my feelings

and belittles my career.

And then I just went to town.

Me too!

I told my mom no more dead
bolts or rape whistles.

Being afraid is no
way to live your life.

And then I turned it on her.

I said, "for once in your
life, take a damn risk!"

Yes, I said "damn" to my mother.

I said damn too.

I said, "listen, daddy.

"You keep your damn hands off my friends

and start hitting on
women your own age."

You go, girl!

Wait, do people still say that?

No, I mean, drag queens maybe.

But I really appreciate the sentiment.

- Oh, where did you get that?
- At the bar.

- Are you two still celebrating?
- Yes, and it feels great.

You know what? You should
try it with your mom,

because if you don't
tell her how you feel,

she's not gonna change.

I keep telling you people never change.

That's why instead
of confronting my mum,

I've consumed an entire bottle of wine.

- You don't seem that drunk.
- Oh, we English never do.

The alcohol is neutralized
by our bottled-up anger.

That doesn't sound very healthy.

Oh, I'm sure I'll die
well before my time.

It's better than seeing
the heartbroken look

on my mum's face if I did tell her off.

My mom did seem a
little crushed when I left.

Yeah, my dad seemed pretty upset,

and I could tell it was real,

because he didn't use any gestures

or cheat to his good side.

I feel bad.

Me too.

My mom's probably at home in bed crying.

And daddy's probably feeling old...

And unloved.

We should go home and apologize.

Joy, do you need to pay for that?

No. It's free-hamburger night.

I just got it off the bar.

There's no such thing
as free-hamburger night.

Oh, I suppose the missing
bite should have tipped me off.

I guess I'm drunker than I thought.

Mom?

Ma, you awake?

Hey.

I'm sorry to bother you.

I just--I wanted to
apologize about earlier.

Apology accepted. You
were absolutely right.

Uh, can we talk about
this in the morning?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh, ma.

Oh, sweetie, you don't have to hug me.

Well, of course I want to hug you.

Is that a foot?

I certainly hope so.

Actually, I've never been measured.

What is going on here?
What are you doing?

Nothing, yet.

No, no. Nothing ever.

You're a married woman.

You're the one that
told me to take a risk.

I meant like driving at night

or eating something hot
you don't blow on first.

I could say something, but I won't.

What's all the noise in here?

Daddy, what are you doing?

Exactly what you told me to do.

Loretta's not one of your friends.

She's my age.

Well, actually
I'm-- - approximately.

I'm sorry. I just need
to not be here right now.

This is unbelievable.

And to think that I came
here to apologize to you.

What's going on in here?

Whoa, philipa, you called it.

How could you possibly think

that this is what I was talking about?

Rejoyla, move. I can't see.

Well, look who's here.
Aren't we enchanting?

Could you at least have the decency

to wait until you're out
of one friend's mother's bed

before you hit on another one?

Certainly move on quickly.

It wasn't an hour ago, you were
giving me the old reach-around.

Maybe if you didn't slap
on the makeup with a trowel.

I'd high-five you if I could.

I'm in shock.

I thought my parents
had a happy marriage.

I thought my third husband was straight.

Well, you see what you want to see.

Psst. Psst.

Over here.

- Mum?
- Elka left me here.

We had a row.

She said you weren't very bright.

And I said you're extremely bright.

You're just lazy.

What's going on?

Well, right now Alex and loretta

are making the walk of
shame down the hallway.

We'll give you four some privacy.

Melanie, I just feel terrible.

I hurt my little girl.

You know what? Maybe
that's the problem--

'cause I'm not your little girl anymore.

We're all adults,

and this is a very adult situation.

So why don't we just
talk to one another--

adult-to-adult.

Okay. Well...

Your father and I haven't
had sexual relations in years.

Okay.

And a woman...

Has needs.

True.

You see, I was merely
scratching her itch.

In other words, you were
taking advantage of her.

No.

I wanted it...

Badly.

Good to know.

Your father won't
even get a prescription

for erectile dysfunction.

Well, that's an issue I've
never had to deal with.

I dare say I had more
encores in the bedroom

than I've had on the stage.

Oh, daddy, really?

Ah, I-I-I'm
sensing

that's one of the "all about me" moments

you were referring to before.

Ma, you know...

I know you're going
through a tough time,

but if you're really
that unhappy with daddy,

you need to talk to him.

You're right.

But you're also right

about me needing to take more risks.

So when Alex came up
behind me and cupped--

oh!

Moving on.

I see you moving to a new city

and going for what you want.

You're so brave.

I wanted to be like you.

Mom.

In hindsight,

perhaps I might have
been a bit more sensitive,

taken your feelings into
consideration a bit more

before I so innocently
flirted with your friends...

And their mothers.

Well, I suppose I
could stay mad at you...

Or I could accept you the way you are,

the way you've always been,

and the way you will be
until the day you die.

But I really do hope
that you live forever,

because I love you.

What a lovely speech.

Yes, I believe you delivered
that to Dr. Stewart Boyd

on edge of tomorrow.

You did watch the show.

I've caught a
few occasionally--

rubbish for the most part,
but, uh, I must say...

Your scenes were quite moving.

Oh, thank you, daddy.

Americans are such saps.

All that emotional spillage.

Indeed.

We're good, right?

Of course, my girl.

Good night, mum.

You're as drunk as I am, aren't you?

I certainly am.

Ah. Good evening.

Couldn't sleep.

Perhaps I'll have some hot milk.

I couldn't either.

I-I wanted to finish this,

but my bedazzler keeps getting stuck.

Maybe I can help. Let me see.

Really?

Do you think I'm just another one

of these silly women who can't resist

your dime-store charm?

My apologies.

I didn't say stop.