Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 1, Episode 5 - Good Neighbors - full transcript

Yes, the strangest thing
just happened to me.

I had a conversation
with a neighbor.

Wow. I never even saw
my neighbors in L.A.

Except during earthquakes.

Yeah, sometimes we'd pull
out of our driveways

at the same time, and as our
electronic gates were opening,

I'd think I don't even
know their names,

and they don't know mine.

And the world was good.

Well, that was the L.A. us.

Here in Cleveland,



we're gonna get to
know our neighbors.

In fact, I'm throwing
a party. Tomorrow.

Look at me being
all spontaneous.

I changed my hair.

Elka, why would--

I mean, why?

I wanted something fresh.

I found a picture
in a magazine,

and I gave it to
my hair stylist.

Was it a picture of Elmo?

This red hair comes
with a temper.

I will c you.

Okay, red, what's going on?

Max invited me to the
senior senior prom.



That is so cute.

Yeah, if you think piranhas
surrounding a baby seal is cute.

Ah, so the ladies
love Max, huh?

Especially Agnes Bratford.

Or should I say
fat-ass hag-ford.

Well, she doesn't sound
like much of a rival.

She takes hormone
replacements.

I can't compete with
someone who's doping.

I have to take it up a notch.

Now I just need the dress
to make it all pop.

Don't forget the red
nose and floppy shoes.

Oh, my God.
Is that Victoria Chase?

New ringtone?

Don't judge.

- Victoria Chase?
- Oh, it's my Agent.

He sent a text, but I can't read it.
My glasses are upstairs. Can you...

No, a little further.

Good, good.

A Japanese company wants
me to do a commercial.

Years of honing my craft,
and finally my dream is coming true.

Your dream is to do a
Japanese commercial?

No. To sell out for an
obscene amount of money.

What's the product?

Um, I'm not sure.

Beneficial dryness force.

Probably some sort
of antiperspirant.

Oh, that's not so bad.

A lot of a-listers do it.

I heard Brad Pitt did a Japanese
commercial for baby formula.

I know, and now nutrition
breast juice wow

is, like,
the number one brand.

Hey, Elka, you never told us
what your senior prom theme was.

Oh, let me guess--

a night to try to remember?

Let's play a game.

Raise your hand if
you've got a boyfriend.

Cupcakes are up.

Actually, they're Ohio cakes.

See, 'cause they're round on the
ends and high in the middle.

Get it? O-hi-o.

Are you sure you're not
high in the middle?

I just want to make
a good impression.

Look, I got great Lake Latkes.

And I have drew curry

with Lebron rice.

And to wash it all down,

some cold, delicious
Cuyahoga River punch.

You know, that River was so polluted,
it actually caught fire once.

But they cleaned it all up.

Well, some of us happen
to like a little pollution.

Look.

My agent just sent a box

of ozawa industrial brothers

Mrs. ladypant beneficial
dryness force.

Mrs. ladypants. I'm thinking
it's not an antiperspirant.

Uh. "Say greeting
to Mrs. ladypant.

For best good times,
be on dry."

That's weird.

There's, like, something in there.

Like a pad or...

A diaper.

What are you talking about?
They're pants.

With an attractive
inner padding.

On their butt.

Oh, give it up, darling.

- It's a diaper.
- It's not a diaper!

It's pants.

And they're comfortable

and perfectly stylish,

and I love them.

And they are paying me
a ton of money to...

"Preserve...
Freshness of crotch."

As pants do.

So just lay off.

Isn't this great?

Look how happy and
relaxed everyone is.

I know.

In L.A., by now, I'd have had
at least one conversation

where someone's looking past me
to find someone more important.

Yeah, I hate that.

And don't you just love

how everyone seems to
have worn whatever?

I mean, look at those women.
Their hair is still wet.

It took me an hour and a
half to blow this dry.

Maybe we should take
a lesson from them.

- Hmm.
- Or maybe they could take

a blow dryer from us.

- Hello, ladies.
- Hello.

I'm Rick from
across the street.

And, yes, I do smell of fish.

We weren't gonna say anything.

I just had a glorious morning
fishing on Lake Erie.

Maybe I could bring you
some muskie some time.

Oh, what a lovely offer.

Ah, there's that fish smell.

So are you a fisherman?

No, no, no, I work for
the plain dealer.

I write a column on Cleveland,

what I like,
what I don't like.

What I would like is to
interview you, Melanie.

It's quite a thing for this neighborhood
to get a best-selling author.

And a famous actress.
Crazy, huh?

I'm not really an author.

One book, you know.

Jotted down 200 things
I wanted to do one day.

But it did sell like crazy.

Although it wasn't on
television for 27 years.

Let her have her moment,
or I'll tell him about your diapers.

- Pants.
- Diapers.

So was moving to Cleveland
one of your list things?

Oh, God, no.
No, before I came here,

I thought, you know,
Cleveland was one of those places

people came from but
they never went to.

Oh. So what made you choose
Cleveland over L.A.?

Oh, gosh, where do I start?

You know, in L.A.,
everyone is so thin and perfect.

It really starts to mess
with your self-esteem.

But here, I feel great.

- I see.
- No. No, wait.

I think I'm not
communicating very well.

You know, Rick,
Melanie isn't as accustomed

to being interviewed as I am.

So maybe you could just
let her have a few moments

to gather her thoughts and
go grab something to eat?

Right, why don't I just go
feed my fat, ugly face.

You forgot smelly.

What is wrong with me?
How did that happen?

I meant to say that
people in L.A.

Are vain and superficial.

- I got to fix this.
- Just let it go.

No, you try to fix that,
you will only make it worse.

T he's our neighbor.

And a columnist.

I don't want him
not to like me.

I like being likeable.

Not to brag,
but it's kind of my thing.

You should be able to tolerate
someone not liking you.

You're right.

I mean, a ton of people don't like you,
and you're fine with it.

I'm gonna staple
my mouth shut.

As soon as I fix this.

- Rick, hi.
- Hi.

I'm just--I'm sorry.

I'd like to explain.

When I said that
people in L.A.

Are perfect and thin,

I did not mean to imply that
everyone here is fat and ugly.

No. Uh-uh.

I just mean, people in L.A.,
they're abnormally thin, right?

Everyone here is normal.

- Ah.
- They're healthy.

Well, I don't know if
I would use healthy.

'Cause, you know, there have
been studies, and it's ver--oh.

What I mean to say is that,

here, you can relax, you know,

- and let yourself go.
- Okay. Okay.

You see it happening, but there's
nothing you can do about it.

So you think we've
let ourselves go.

No. No, no, no.

I meant that, here,

life is simpler.

It's like going back in time.

So we're backward.

No! No!

Why aren't you
understanding this?

Just simple, I guess.

I was wrong. She fixed it.

Hey, how about we all have
some Cuyahoga River punch?

That River hasn't caught
fire in 40 years.

I'm sorry. Let me explain.

Oh, no, that's all right.

I got a column to write.

No, no, I love Cleveland.
I love Lebron.

Or I don't. You tell me!

Frankly, you guys are a little
wishy-washy on that one.

- Oh, it's a fabulous party.
- Oh, really.

- What am I gonna do?
- Oh, stop worrying so much.

Cleveland's a rock and roll town.
Lots of party end with fire.

I can't help but worry,

'cause if Rick is writing the article
I think he's writing about me,

the whole city's
gonna hate me.

Oh, just leave it alone.
It'll blow over.

I know what I have to do.

I have to go across the street

and talk to him.

And he'll see that
I'm a nice person,

because I'm sure he's
a nice person, right?

Right, because your plan has
worked so well up to this point.

Yeah, I know. That's why you're gonna
come over there and back me up.

Well, why do I have to?

You're the one who went all
Don Rickles on Cleveland.

Where's Victoria?
I'm gonna need her too.

Upstairs, trying on her pants.

I don't think we want
to interrupt that.

Do you think he'll
like the wine?

Or does it seem pretentious?

Should I have brought beer?

Mm. Or is that insulting?

Oh, God, is this
from California?

Do they make Cleveland wine?

What did we say about too
many questions in a row?

I know. I'm doing
it again, aren't I?

What's wrong with me?
What is it with me and questions?

He's not home.
We'll try again later.

Wait, wait, no.
I see his computer.

It's got writing on it.

It says, "Melanie MoRetti
is a horrible person."

How can you read
that from here?

I just know.

We have to sneak in
there and read it.

- What?
- Don't you see?

If it's not bad,

then I'll just relax.

But if it's terrible,

someone who really cares
about me could delete it.

Wait. What's that noise?

I can't believe you
left without me.

Are you wearing
your diaper pants?

Stop saying that.

It is the Mrs. ladypant
beneficial dryness force.

I have to wear it at least
once before I can legally say,

"I feel as fresh as mt. Fuji."

So are we breaking into
this place or what?

You don't even know
why we're breaking in.

Well, I'm assuming it's either
to read his column or delete it.

- See?
- All right.

Wait, you go first.
You have padding.

Oh, God, I can't look.

What's it say?

- Oh, my God.
- What?

What? Is it bad?

Oh, it's terrible.

I mean, he doesn't
even mention me.

It's not bad at all.

He just says I'm a
well-meaning klutz.

Well, I guess that trumps
award-nominated actress.

I am so relieved.

- Then what are you doing?
- Changing my age, of course.

- Mm.
- Come on. Let's go.

And don't leave any smudges
on the windowpanes.

I don't want him to know
anybody's been here.

Wait, wait, I think I can
still get away with 41.

I can't believe
we just did that.

My heart is still pounding.

I know. I haven't
felt this excited

about getting away
with something

since I convinced
my fourth husband

that I was still a virgin.

I mean, that was some acting.

Well, I say that we celebrate
now that it's all over.

How about we open
that bottle of wine

you were gonna give to Rick?

No.

Okay. Something else.

No. I mean, it's still there.

I forgot to bring
it out with me,

and it's got a note
on it from me.

He's gonna know I was there.

Oh, great.
Well, we better hurry.

No!

You make too much noise.

Just text me if you see him coming.
I'll be right back. Hey, Elka.

Hi, Elka. Is that your dress?

Don't start with me.

What's wrong?

My hair.

- Oh.
- I got a good look at myself

in the dress shop.

I look like little
orphan granny.

Why didn't you say something?

Well, to be fair,
I did say you looked like Elmo,

and I had a couple of good
bozo jokes at the ready too.

I'm not gonna even go
to that stupid prom.

All the cool seniors
stay home anyway.

Oh.

Get back here, raggedy Ann.

Last one.

You know, I'm not just
an eyebrow expert.

I'm good with all kinds
of unwanted hair.

I can help you.

You're in cahoots with
fat-ass hag-ford, aren't you?

Now you may not
realize this, Elka,

but we are in the
presence of a genius.

Ill-tempered,
disagreeable, snarky, yes.

But I would trust
her with my life,

and more importantly,
with my hair.

I know we can be
hard on each other,

but you have my word.

I will do whatever
I can with that.

And if it doesn't work,

we can park you at
the end of a runway.

All right, there was one more.

Okay.

Let's do it, bones.

I'm sorry. Who?

- Joy.
- Thank you.

Bones. I said bones,
is what I said.

Hello, Melanie.

Oh, my, you have
a beautiful home.

I hope I'm not disturbing you.

Oh, not at all.

I'm just not really
dressed for company.

Oh, what are you talking about?
You're dressed just fine.

Very distinctive.

I love a robe.

Oh. Thank you.

- So...
- Oh, so, Rick,

um, I just wanted
to see you again.

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah.

'Cause you know,
there was tension between us

earlier in the day.

You felt it too?

I got to say,
it was pretty obvious.

And then I got all flustered,
and I made it worse.

Well, you're not
flustered now.

Nope. 'Cause we're neighbors.

Maybe even more than neighbors.
We're friends, right?

I hope so.

Wow. Quite a swordfish
you got there.

Oh, thank you.
It's a sailfish actually.

Took me three
hours to land him.

Boy, I loved every second.

You know, there's just
something about the struggle

of man against beast that,
I don't know,

I guess the only word
for it would be primal.

Ohh!

Something catch your interest?

I was admiring your balls.

Really? That's refreshing.

Most women aren't
interested in my balls.

Go ahead. Touch them.

Wow. Smooth.

- They're shellacked.
- Oh, well.

Is that a bottle of wine?

Oh, yes, yes, it's sort
of a peace offering.

Oh. I didn't notice it before.

Well, I was waiting
for the right moment.

And now it's here. Here.

Oh. Look. Why don't
I get some glasses

and you make yourself
comfortable?

That would be lovely.

I'm so glad you came over.

I knew I'd see you again.

I just didn't think it
would be this soon.

Really? I was afraid
you didn't like me.

Oh, I like you.

I like you a lot.

You know what, um,

I don't need the wine.
I'm ready to go now.

As am I.

I don't think it's gonna be a
very nice article after all.

Oh, my God. What happened?

Let's just say there
are worse things

than not having
people like you.

Where's joy?

Helping Elka get
ready for prom.

Really? Joy?

How is she?

Well, it was touch
and go for a minute.

Almost had to use a
local anesthetic,

but she'll make it.

That's Max.
I'm not ready!

Oh, Max,
you look so handsome.

When I wear the suit,

I feel ten years younger.

Which is still 20 years
older than I'd like to be.

Please come in.

- Hey, Max.
- Hello.

- Hi.
- Is everybody ready?

- Yes, yes.
- Yes.

Oh, my gosh.

You are breathtaking.

Which, at my age,
is dangerous.

Max, my eyes are up here.

Just taking it all in.

You are gonna be
prom queen for sure.

Why, thank you.

Not Agnes Bratford?

You mean hagnes fatford?

Max, that's terrible.

Shall we?

Thanks for your help.

It was nothing.

And I hope this marks a
turning point in our--

you fixed my hair.
Let's not go crazy.

She's all yours.

Thank you.

Plan to fix your
own breakfast.

He didn't change his column.

You're still a well-meaning
klutz who's only 41.

Ugh! Should have tried for 39.

Okay, take everything
you used to think

about beneficial
dryness force products

and throw it away.

Okay. Done.

I feel as fresh as mt. Fuji.

Dry for my lifetime

like a monk.

Is it the water?

Or is it the day?

For relaxing times,

make it ladypant time.

Ozawa industrial brothers,

you are the friend
in my pants.

It wasn't my
classiest endeavor.

But just remember,
it's only airing in Japan.

Oh, thank God.

Is that Victoria Chase?

It's probably my Agent,

calling to blow smoke
up my-- well, you know.

Oh, my God.
Is that Victoria Chase?

When do we tell r it's
all over the Internet?

Oh, I know. I saw it too.

I posted it.