Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Sex That Got Away - full transcript

Ice. I need ice.

I realize it's happy
hour somewhere,

but isn't it a bit
early even for you?

This happens to
be an emergency.

I pulled a muscle
fastening my bra.

What's goin' on?

Victoria's having
a senior moment.

Oh, I have those all the time.

I can be walking along
happy as a clam,

and suddenly I get
this overwhelming urge

to hit some young
person with a stick.



Hey, guys, look at this!

Another sign I'm meant
to be in Cleveland.

The rock and roll hall of
fame is having a huge party.

All these rock stars are
donating their guitars,

- and Hailey Nash is one of them.
- Oh, lord, Hailey Nash?

All those dreadful female
empowerment songs?

Her music takes me back to
a time when music sucked.

Well, I love Hailey's songs.

It reminds me of prom night.

They played Hailey
Nash at your prom?

No, in my room.

Nobody asked me to the prom.

Course, that was during
my corrective shoe years.

Was that before or after
your headgear years?



There was some overlap.

But Hailey got me through it.

Oh! Tonight, I am going to do

two things from my book.

I'm gonna crash a party
and meet my idol.

And I am coming with you.

What? Why? Weren't we just
mocking her? I'm confused.

That bastard Johnny
revere is gonna be there.

You know Johnny revere?

Every inch of him.

One night, he pulled
me from the audience

to dance on stage

and gave me a backstage pass to
the best six months of my life.

So why is he a bastard?

Because halfway
through the tour,

he left me stranded on a
corner in Winslow, Arizona.

Wait, isn't that
an eagles song?

Never tell don Henley
anything in confidence

when you're doing shots.

Why did you never tell us?

Because it was just
too humiliating.

Oh, is he the one
who gave you the--

no, no, no,
that was Warren Beatty.

Anyway, now that I'm famous
and Johnny is a museum piece,

it is going to be
such a pleasure

to finally be able to throw
a drink right in his face.

Ooh, that sounds
very satisfying.

I've never thrown
a drink at a man.

I mean, I've slapped
a couple of faces,

egged a few cars,

set the odd house on fire.

But a drink in the face?

That's gonna be fun.

I don't see Johnny anywhere.

Just a sea of '70s hair...

And '90s hairpieces.

Some of these rockers look
remarkably well-preserved.

Forget Botox. I'm going
straight to heroin.

I can't believe that
after all these years,

I am finally going to throw
a drink in Johnny's face.

- What can I get you ladies?
- Uh, scotch...

With enough rocks
to leave bruises.

Oh, my gosh.

I just motor-boated
Hailey Nash's breasts.

Go on.

No, it was an insane accident.

I--I was turning a corner,
and I tripped,

and I fell face-first
into her cleavage,

and then my earring got caught,

and I was wrestling free.

What did you say to her?

"Soft."

What?

Well, I was thinking "sorry,"

but I was also thinking "soft,"
and the wrong one came out.

Any of you over-age groupies
seen Willie Nelson?

Elka, what are you doing here?

Well, whenever Willie's in town,
I always bake him brownies.

I knew it.

Wait. These are just brownies.

Of course they are.

What are you smoking?

- Young man.
- Yes?

Well,

you're a lot to take in,
aren't you?

Oh, uh, have you seen the
redheaded stranger anywhere?

Come on, shawty, let's check
in the V.I.P. section.

Oh, will jay-z be there?

There are a lot of layers
to that little onion.

Oh, there's Johnny.

Oh, my God, he spotted me.

He's coming over.

Okay, this is it.

- Um, where's my ammunition?
- Here.

Right, keep your elbow low,

follow through with your swing.

Remember,
this is for every woman

who ever got dumped by
a heartless bastard.

- Victoria!
- Johnny.

Wow! You look
frickin' amazing.

Oh, why, thank you.

Seriously, you look even sexier in
person than you did on your show.

You watched edge of tomorrow?

Sure.

I was always bragging
to the roadies

how I used to drill you
like the Gulf of Mexico.

You still don't follow
the news, do you?

Excuse me. Mr. revere,
they need you in the press room.

The price of fame.

I know it well.

You know, it's too bad
you're with your friends,

or you could come
by the hotel later.

Oh, they're not my friends.

St. Regent, top floor.

Well, that was the most
disgusting thing I've ever seen,

and I used to wax Roseanne.

Well, I couldn't help it.

Watchin' that bad-boy swagger
sent chills down my spine

I haven't felt in years.

He didn't even apologize!

I know. How hot was that?

Still here, huh?

You know, with all these
pretty young girls around,

you last-call connies
don't stand a chance.

It may interest you to know

that tonight Johnny
revere and I

are going to have the
kind of smoking hot sex

that children only read
about in story books.

Come on, he's callous
and misogynous,

and I don't even think
he showered today.

That's okay,
I'll just lick him clean.

Victoria! This is a mistake!

Don't be a holla back girl.

Am I using that right?
'Cause it felt right.

Oh, let it go, Mel. There's no
girlfriend block for bad-boy sex.

You're right.
Its power is too strong.

That guilty thrill you
get just being with him.

That desperate desire
you have to change him.

And that delicious
little tickle

that comes from knowing
you never could.

What? You think there weren't
bad boys in Poland in the '30s?

You know, before I met Johnny,
I didn't know the meaning of depravity

or hotel blacklisting.

There was this one
time on a credenza.

Oh, my God. I mean,
no surface was safe.

Oh, we did it on coffee
tables, club chairs,

and this one really
memorable Thanksgiving,

in a bathtub full of
sweet potatoes and gravy.

Okay, before we get to what you
did with the turkey legs, think.

If you sleep with him,
he'll just dump you again,

and then he'll be the
one that got away again.

Who cares? He's not
the man that got away.

He's the sex that got away,
and tonight I am getting it back.

Well, just make sure none
of those old feelings

come back with it.

Oh, please, I am not
that nubile little ninny

who used to prance around
naked on his balcony--

oh, my God! He hasn't seen me
naked since I was in my 20s!

Ooh, forget diamonds.

After 40, covers are
a girl's best friend.

Word to the wise.
A smart jockey

always sits straight
up on the horse.

- See, you're the jockey, and he's...
- Yes, yes, we understand.

It's so your boobs
don't flop to the side

and get lost in your back fat.

Are you as turned on as I am?

God, this is a disaster.

I'm not even dressed for sex.

Trade underwear with me.

Why do you automatically
ask joy and not me?

Because cotton is the fabric of
your life, darling, not mine.

- Cotton breathes.
- All right.

I am not swapping
knickers with you.

Okay, okay, but I am definitely
gonna need an emergency wax.

Well, your eyebrows look fine.

It's not my eyebrows
I'm worried about.

Do you think I carry a
portable waxing kit?

Joy, please.

Okay, fine.

I'll MacGyver it.

Oh, my God, are you guys crazy?

Do you know how much
that's gonna hurt?

But it's worth it, because tonight
I'm gonna party like it's 1979.

You want a ride home?
Willie loaned me the limo.

Oh, thanks, but no, no.
I have to stick around.

I have to find Hailey Nash and apologize
to her for sticking my face in her boobs.

Hey, I don't suppose
Willie knows her.

By now, Willie doesn't
know his own name.

- Hey, you.
- Hey, sexy, come on in.

You okay?

No, I'm fine.

You know, there were a lot of
hot women at that party tonight,

but none of them could
hold a candle to you.

That's what you think.

Sure I can't get you
something stronger?

No, no, no, I have to
keep my wits about me.

I accidentally groped Hailey Nash,
so I need to apologize to her.

Well, here's your chance.

She's right behind you.

You again?

I'm sorry!

Oh, Ms. Nash, I'm so sorry!

Oh!

It's just seltzer,
so it won't stain.

So there's really

no reason for me to be doing...

This.

What is it with you
and my breasts?

I'm just a really big fan.

So I gather.

I mean, I'm a fan of you,

not your breasts.

But not that I'm not a
fan of your breasts.

2i am so toasted.

So, what are you drinking?

- What are you pouring.
- Well, nothing for me.

The booze doesn't
mesh with the drugs,

that never stopped you before.

Yeah, that was my old liver.

You're still a bourbon girl?

It'll do for starters.

You know that couch
doesn't bite.

Oh, you know, I think I'm more
in a credenza kind of mood.

Mercy.

You always did look
good on mahogany.

Well, I've always been
partial to good solid wood.

I seem to remember that.

I seem to remember been covered
in creme fraiche and caviar.

So, what's on the menu tonight?

A grilled chicken breast
and steam vegetables.

How stoned are you?

Stoned?

What drugs are you on then?

Celebrex and lipator.

- Ah, you're joking, right?
- No.

I'm a different guy now.

In fact that's why I invited
you up here tonight.

To apologize.

Apologize?

Yeah.

I was a selfish bastard
when we were together,

and I really feel bad about
the way I treated you.

Uh-huh. I see.

So, um, are we good?

You have got a lot
of nerve, pal!

What? All I said
was I'm sorry.

Well, no girl wants
to hear that!

Of course you were a bastard,
that's what made you so exciting.

So why are you mad now?

I thought you invited me up
here for some high-octane sex,

not a low-cholesterol snack
and some crybaby apology!

Whoa, I didn't know.
I'm sorry.

My bad.

Bad? You're practically
a boy scout!

Whatever happened
to that bad boy

who used to bounce me around
like a jai alai ball?

You think I still can't?

Oh, please.

Why don't you just help some
old lady across the street?

God, what a waste of a wax
job this turned out to be!

Heart-shaped?

Well, it was the plan,

but it turned out
kind of shamrock-y.

Is it magically delicious?

Well, this is supposed
to be a reunion.

- Then let's make it one.
- Oh, you think you're up to it?

You think you can
still handle it?

- Vegas rules?
- No holds barred.

- Safe word "Hendrix."
- First stop credenza.

What? Am I pinching
your nipple too hard?

- No, it's my knee.
- Okay.

No, to the right,
to the right, to the right.

Oh! Oh! Ow, my lower back.

You too?

Ah! Ah!

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!

My hair is caught on something!

It's my medic-alert bracelet.

All right. Here quick,

- hang on.
- What?

Uh, I need to be on top.

Why?

Because I'm the jockey,
and you're-- oh, just do it!

Aah! Wait, stop!

I pulled a muscle this morning.

I just wrenched my shoulder,

but I think we
should play through.

No, no, no! Let go! Let go!

Oh, ow, ow, oh! Agony!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh.

Can't even move my left arm.

Well, um,

seeing as how your right
arm's still working...

What? I'm a bad boy.

You're an idiot.

God, this is so not
how I remembered it.

Apparently a lot of the
things we used to do

are pretty painful if
you're not wasted.

Yeah, or 20.

I suppose we could just
have low-key grown-up sex.

Uh, thanks,
but why ruin the memories?

We were something together,
though, weren't we?

Yeah.

At least we'll always have something
degrading to look back on.

Aw, maybe it'd be
better if we didn't.

I mean, you can't miss
what you never had.

I'm still glad we had it.

Me too.

You know, my orthopedist
showed me a little trick.

Yeah?

Oh! Oh, God, that's good.

Oh.

So what's the deal?

I mean, you barely move
and you pull a muscle?

I know, right?

The other day I got a back
spasm putting on a sock.

Here we are having a
wholesome Sunday morning,

and Victoria's probably skulking
through some hotel lobby

with her knickers stuffed in her
purse and her blouse inside out.

Lucky trollop.

Well, she's got less to
be ashamed of than I do.

I just hope when Hailey gets
my note, she forgives me.

What note?

Oh, I paid the bartender
to slip her an apology

and a Cd to autograph.

So that way if I get it back in the
mail, I know she's forgiven me.

And if you get a restraining order,
you'll know she hasn't.

Oh, no.

Oh, they're not that bad.

You'd be surprised how
much trash talking

you can do from 300 feet.

Oh, here comes the
lucky trollop now.

Somebody please turn out that
hideous light in the sky.

You're looking properly
debased and debauched.

Was the insensitive mauling
everything you hoped?

He was thoughtful and caring
and very unselfish in bed.

You poor thing.

Are you okay?

I'm more than okay.

You know, we didn't
do our whole catalog,

but we managed a medley
of greatest hits.

And then this morning he ate
his egg whites and turkey bacon

off the small of my back.

Um, Melanie?

Breathe. I don't see
a restraining order.

Ah, you'd think being best
friends with a famous celebrity

she'd be over this
by now, but...

Your blouse inside out?

Excuse me.

I better go and help her.

Yesterday she pulled
a bra muscle.

You all live here together?

Yeah. It's like a
big slumber party.

I can't believe you're here.

Please, come in and sit down.

Wow, this is crazy.
I mean, I just--

this is like a fantasy
come true for me.

Hey, I, um, brought that
Cd you wanted me to sign.

Your note was very sweet.

Oh, and I meant
every word of it.

You are...You're just amazing,

and you're so beautiful.

I mean, I can't even
begin to tell you

everything that's in my heart,

but I hope you know what
I mean because I...

Did not see at comin'.

Yeah, I know. I...

I don't usually get
involved with my fans,

but your passes last night
were so clumsy and pathetic...

It was actually
kind of adorable.

This is clearly gonna come
as a surprise to you,

but I had no idea you were gay.

Seriously?

Not that it matters, 'cause I'm
like totally down with that.

You know, I mean...

I'm down with other people
being down with that.

But that's nohow I get down.

Wait, I don't get it.
How could you not know?

Well, why would I?

Well, for starters, that Cd you're
holding's called i like girls.

Oh, so your song "love
my honey pot"...

Wait, so the note
that you wrote me

that said that my music
had given you the courage,

you know, to let the woman
inside you come out...

Ohh, right. Yeah.

I can see how that
would be misleading.

Yeah, but your friends upstairs,
helping each other with their bra--

not gay, either.

Well, you joy that CD.

I'm sorry. Oh!

Bye.

"Love my honey pot"?

A clue maybe?

Oh, don't feel so bad, Melanie.

I didn't know about Elton
John or George Michael.

I thought he wanted my sex.

I didn't even know the
village people were gay.

Yeah, they kind of ruined

that whole cowboys with short shorts
and a mustache look for straight guys.

In my day, nobody knew
anything about anyone.

Rock Hudson, tab hunter.

I had a big thing for Liberace.

You thought Liberace
was straight?

I could have turned him.