Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 1, Episode 3 - Birthdates - full transcript

Oh, I wonder what that's about.

I'm not here.

Wait...

The police are looking for you?

What police?

Hey, guys, guess what.
It's our birthday in two weeks.

You're kidding.

- You all have birthdays on the same day?
- No, no, no, but we decided that,

seeing that birthdays are
so generally unpleasant...

Depressing, scary...

Drunken, hazy...



We decided that we'd just celebrate
ours all together on a neutral day.

And that way we don't
have to acknowledge

the day that we
actually get older.

It works great. I really
don't know how old I am.

So what do you guys
want for your birthday?

A wonderful man
who worships me.

- Two of those.
- Oh, that sounds nice.

Why don't you all get each
other dates for your birthday?

Now, that is an
intriguing idea.

I mean, we're terrible at
picking men for ourselves.

I have five divorces
to prove it.

I wish I had a divorce.

I have animals that die.

Let's do it.



Everyone's gonna pick a name,
and then get a date for that person.

It'll be our new Cleveland
birthday celebration.

And where are we going
to find these men?

They do seem to be
all over this town.

I get disgusting comments and lewd
gestures, like, ten times a day.

It is fantastic!

Elka, are you in?

Sure.

But if you're picking for me,

I don't do fatties.

Okay, Elka, you go first.

Victoria.

- Melanie.
- Elka.

Oh, great that means
Victoria got me.

So?

So you're terrible
at picking gifts.

- I'm gonna get screwed.
- Oh, stop it!

I'm a wonderful gift giver.

See, look at this beautiful
pre-birthday gift I just gave myself.

Wow, Cartier. My favorite.

But you didn't even remember
it was our birthday.

Still, it's a great gift.

I wonder when our
presents will arrive.

Yours will be here soon.

I wish the same could
be said for mine.

I'm sure Victoria
didn't find me anyone.

Oh, don't be so negative.
I got Elka a great date.

I'm a little nervous.

Or maybe it's just staring at that
rat's nest that Joy calls a hairdo.

It's so unsettling.

Your nerves are making
you unpleasant.

Yes, but I can fix that
by finishing this wine.

You're still stuck
with that hair.

That's not your joke, Elka.
That's Winston Churchill's.

It's not stealing
if you were there.

Elka, your date's here.

He's handsome!

- Where did you find him?
- At a senior center.

I emailed your photo over to see
if anybody would be interested.

He was the only one who
knew how to email back.

Hey, Max.

Melanie, so nice to
officially meet you.

And you must be Elka.

I am.

May I say that you're even
lovelier than in your picture?

Yes, you may.

Shall we?

To be fair,

in my computer, your picture
is displayed in 200%.

I've seen all of you, but

not all at once.

- Uh, excuse me.
- Yeah.

- I'm Victoria Chase.
- Hi.

How would you like to pretend
to be my friend's date?

Uh, what's the matter with her?

Nothing, really.
She's quite attractive.

She's sitting right over there
with the long brown hair.

- Oh...
- I'll give you 200 bucks.

- Great!
- Wait, wait, wait.

But you can't be yourself.

I mean, I'm sure you're great,

but I was supposed to find
her a specific type of guy.

Well, why didn't you if you
said you were going to?

Well, I ran out of time,
or I didn't prioritize, or...

I don't know,
I just-- get off my back!

What do you do?

Well, with the economy
and everything--

okay, I'm bored already.

You are an architect.
She goes crazy for them.

Okay...

And you have three dogs,
but not purebreds.

She'd never go for that.
Let's see, what else?

Oh, compliment her earlobes.
Don't ask me why.

Favorite color, celadon.

Don't order beets,
and do not mention Helen Mirren.

- What's your name?
- Uh, Steve.

No, no, I think that
you are an Alistair.

- Then I think I need another 50.
- Okay, Steve's good.

Well, I'll be damned.

These are my friends
Melanie and Joy.

- Hi.
- And this is Steve.

He's an architect.

I am.

And I like dogs.

I love dogs.

You have dogs?

Yes, yes. Uh, mutts.

I mean I love all dogs,

but I just don't see the
point of buying a dog

from an industry that promotes
inbreeding and puppyvilles

when there are so many mixed breeds
out there in need of a home.

I feel exactly the same way.

Well, should I try to
go round us up a table?

- Sounds great.
- All right.

So...

I owe you an apology.

You truly are a
wonderful friend

who seems to have
found me a great guy.

I'm sorry. I really
underestimated you.

Oh, well,
I accept your apology.

You are free to enjoy him now.

I can't believe you went to that
much work to find Joy's date.

But you do believe it, right?

Oh, Happy Birthday.

Do you think he's
here for one of us?

Oh, he's looking over here.
How do I look?

Freakishly young.

- What about me? How's my hair?
- Like God re-touched it.

- Good luck.
- You too.

- Uh, Victoria?
- Yes!

Sorry I'm late. I had to jog
the last couple of blocks

just to get here,
but it was worth it--wow.

Are all actresses as
beautiful in person as you?

Sadly, no.

Glenn Miller or Tommy Dorsey?

Oh, Miller all the way.

Yeah, that was real music.

I don't go for that stuff
that's out there now.

Michael Buble.

Have you heard this yahoo?

Please! You mean
wannabe Sinatra.

Exactly.

Go back to the second floor
at Nordstrom's, I say.

Okay, another question:

Favorite medication.

Oh, that's a tough one.

All things considered,
I think I'm gonna have to say

Celebrex.

Celebrex. Nice.

I'm an allopurinol man myself.

Ooh, gout!

Somebody likes to party.

Ever go to Canada for
your discount rates?

Do I? I'm on a first-name basis
with all the border guards.

Me too.

We should carpool next time.

Is it possible that you
are the perfect woman?

Well, I'd say it's
very possible.

Will you be eating alone?
I can bring over a place setting.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
I--I have a date.

It's a blind date.
He should be here soon.

I'm sure he will.
Anything else?

I'm really nervous.

I haven't been on a blind date in,
like, oh, gosh, forever.

I just got divorced.

I'm totally over it.
It's just, you know,

sometimes it still feels
a little fresh and raw.

But this is just the
type of adventure

I signed up for when I moved
to Cleveland, isn't it?

Uh, I was just wondering if
you need a fork or something.

Melanie?

Yes?

I think I'm gonna be sick.

I'm so sorry.
That didn't come out right.

It's just your face
is kind of--oh...

Sorry, I'm feeling
queasy again.

Why don't we just leave
it at I'm not your type?

No, no, no, actually,
you're totally my type.

You look exactly
like my dead wife.

- Uh...Thank you?
- Yeah.

Listen, this is obviously
upsetting for you,

so let's just not do
the whole date thing.

Oh, listen, I really need
to move on with my life,

and this is the first actual
date I've had since the funeral.

And Joy said so many nice things
about you in line at the deli.

You know what, I don't know
if this is a real good idea.

Please?

If I have to spend another night alone,
I don't know what I'll do.

Why not?

Life's too short, right?

I'm so sorry.

So where were we?

You were telling me how you all
picked dates for each other.

- That's fun.
- Oh, it is fun.

Especially when it looks
like I got the prize.

Oh, I'm flattered.

You'll have to excuse me,
I'm still sweating.

That run over here was a bit
further than I anticipated.

Oh. Do you mind?

No, not at all.

You just take off as much
clothing as you like.

You know, I never formally
introduced myself.

I'm Chester.

Chester.

Well, that'll be
easy to remember.

The truth is I'm
a great driver,

but sometimes I like
to drive real slow

just to mess with people.

I am having such a good time.

Me too.

I think we should get married.

Me too. Pass the salt.

Really? You'd marry me?

Yeah, I would.

I mean once around we're
perfect for each other.

I'm glad to hear that.

Oh, here's your salt.

I'm impressed you
can still use that.

Oh, I know how to
shake what I've got.

I've been wanting to
do that all night.

Oh...Well...

Now I can get back
to my rigatoni.

Celadon?

Most men don't even
know what that is.

Well...I do.

So becoming an architect
was like a calling?

Yes. Yes, it was like someone
tapped me on the shoulder

and said,
"you're an architect."

And I'll start with
the Caesar salad.

Hey, have you ever thought
about wearing your hair,

I don't know,
back a little bit?

- Excuse me?
- Just push it back on the sides.

That--that's too much.
A little less.

Oh, God, it's uncanny!

This is gonna sound crazy,
but you look so much like her.

I gotta show you a picture.

How's your pasta?

Fine. How's your breast?

It's a meatloaf.

I'll say it is.

Victoria.

Excuse me, my friend--

needs me at the bar.

You're not gonna believe this, but my date
is trying to turn me into his dead wife.

Okay, that's nothing.

You seen the cans on Chester?

And his name is "chester"?

Would you ask our waitress to bring
us a bottle of champagne, please?

Champagne!
You really came through.

- You're a good friend.
- Aren't I?

Oh, hey, hey, Victoria,
thanks again.

Best blind date
I have ever had.

I am not gonna let
this one get away.

Oh, boy.

You set Joy up with a murderer?

Well, to be fair, at the time I just
thought he was a complete stranger.

Now, can we just focus and figure
out what we should do next?

There's a tip line
number on the screen.

It's ringing. Oh, my God,
how did this happen?

Well, I kinda sorta picked him
when I came in here tonight.

I gave him 200 bucks and told
him to show her a good time.

So he's a murderer
and a hooker!

Oh, hello, hello!
Yes, this is Melanie Moretti.

The suspect that
you're looking for

is at Stormy's on Euclid.

And the only thing I
hate more than beets

is Helen Mirren.

Kiss me.

Hurry! Hurry!
He's kissing her!

Okay, thank you.

Okay, he said to stay
calm and act normal.

And we have to try and keep
him here until they arrive.

Okay, well, let's just get rid of
our dates so that we can focus.

Oh, gosh, you know, considering
everything, maybe my date's not so bad.

Oh, who am I kidding?

- Everything okay?
- Wow...

That jacket really
does wonders for you.

Yeah, I got it
right off the rack.

Don't say rack.

Listen, Chester,

I don't think it's gonna
work out between us.

But we didn't even
finish dinner yet.

Sorry for whatever
it is I did wrong.

Wait, wait. Come here.

Um, excuse me, do you
find this man attractive?

And she's cute, right?

- Yeah.
- Good. Great.

Why don't you sit down
and buy her a drink.

- Really?
- Really.

- Well, okay.
- No, no, no.

Keep that on...Forever.

Let's go.

I suppose you're right.

I guess I wasn't really ready
to get out there after all.

You know what, it's okay. It's okay.
It was very nice to meet you,

and I wish you
nothing but the best.

You know, I think why

my wife's death
is so hard on me

is that I never got a
chance to say good-bye.

I got to the hospital
ten minutes too late.

Oh, you poor thing.

I know this is gonna sound odd,

but with you being
so much like her,

I feel like it would
help give me closure

if I could say good-bye
to you in the way

that I wanted to say
good-bye to her.

Oh, you know,
that's-- I don't know.

- Yeah, it's too much.
- Yeah.

- I get it. I'll go.
- Okay. Okay.

Oh, go ahead, say good-bye.

Oh, thank you.

Honey, you're the most
amazing woman I've ever met.

Your strength, grace,
and courage will be with me always.

I love you.

Okey-dokey!

May I give her a little kiss?

It's me, not her.
But whatever.

I'd give anything to make
love to her one last time.

And we're done here.

Guess what happened to me!

Elka, not now. We're in
the middle of a crisis.

I got engaged.

- I knew you'd like him!
- He's amazing.

Oh, no, he's paying the bill!
He's gonna go. We have to keep him here.

Oh, my God,
what are we gonna do?

Who cares about Joy? What about me?
I'm getting married.

I'm, like, 100!

Listen, Victoria accidentally
set Joy up with a murderer.

I'm conflicted.

I am on a great date
for once in my life,

and you guys are
acting like idiots.

What's going on?

Uh, well, I waited
until the last minute,

and I just grabbed the first
guy I could find a the bar,

and I gave him $200
to be your date.

What? You paid Steve
to go out with me?

This is all fake?

Oh, my God, this is, like,
the worst thing you've ever done to me.

Well, there's more.

- Uh, he's kind of a...Murderer.
- What?

But the police
are on their way.

Guys, he's coming.

Okay, listen, we have to
try and keep him here,

so just act natural.

How do I act natural
with a murderer?

Just do the opposite of that.

So, Joy, are you ready to go?

My van's parked out front.

Your van?

He has a van!

Are you okay?

- Why don't you join us for dessert?
- Yes.

You know, to be honest,
I was just...

Hoping to get Joy alone.

No! I mean-- tell
me what I mean!

- She has a rare disease.
- Joy's a lesbian.

Hey.

Oh, God!

Now can we talk
about my engagement?

As soon as he was on the
floor writhing in pain,

I could see that

the sketch really didn't
look that much like him.

Then why did you kick him?

The police did say that these
mistakes happen all the time.

Joy, I am so sorry
about everything.

You should be.
I knew this would happen.

Listen, of all the things
that happened tonight,

the one thing that I
can't get out of my mind

is the look on your
face when you thought

I had finally done this
great thing for you.

And then all I did
was disappoint you.

I wasn't a good friend, and I will
never forgive myself for that.

Of course you will.
And I will too.

I thought Steve was
the perfect guy

because everything he said were
things you knew I would love.

Things only a best
friend would know.

You know me well.

Still, I--

I would like you to have this.

You know me very well!

At least Joy's date
didn't have a dead wife.

Or boobs.

My date had both.

So, Elka, when are you
gonna make it official?

Oh...That's over.

We started having problems.

- Oh...
- What happened?

Well, we got along fine,

but he wouldn't go downtown,
if you know what I mean.

What?

I mean, there are so
many good restaurants

and shops down there.

I can't give that up.

Of course you do.

What'd you think I
was talking about?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

- Hi.
- Max...

Listen, Elka,
I don't want to lose you.

So if you're still up for it,

I'm willing to try
going downtown.

- You are?
- Yes.

I just hope I won't
get lost down there.

Oh, you won't.

I have no problem
telling you where to go.

It's just that it's so
dark and scary there.

- Happy Birthday.
- Happy Birthday!