Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 2, Episode 3 - Hot for the Lawyer - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland

is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.

Well, this is great.

Who needs a fancy Salon?

I do.

And as soon as we're done,

I'm going out
for a mani-pedi.

You just finished doing your nails.

Yes, so that they'd be presentable

when I get them done by a professional.

You know, it's a common courtesy,



like cleaning up
before the housekeeper comes.

I've never heard of that.

I know, honey.
I used to wax you.

- Hand me the hair color.
- All right.

Thanks.

Hey, nice and easy.

Yeah, I picked this up yesterday.

That's great, dear, but I was
talking to Melanie and Joy.

If that is Joy.

Aah!

What are you girls doing in here?

We're having a day of beauty.

You know, fighting the good fight.

Well, lay down your weapons, ladies.



Time won!

That's ridiculous.

Moving to Cleveland has extended
our shelf life by 20 years.

Although, to be honest,

we have been going through

a bit of a romantic dry spell lately,

so we've decided to up our game.

Well, what more can you do?

I haven't seen this much body work

since GM left town.

You're crankier than usual.

What's with you?

You guys wouldn't understand.

Is it because of the Browns?

No.

Oh, is it because of your trial?

No.

Is it because you broke up with Max?

No.

It's because my Max

has already started
dating somebody else.

And the Browns stink.

I'm so sorry.

So am I.

Is it too much to ask
for one decent wide receiver?

Elka, don't hide behind
whoever the Browns are.

You're upset about Max.

Who's he dating now?

That slut from the senior center,

aka "fat-ass" Hagford.

So many colorful names for her.

Fat-ass Hagford.
Angus Fatford.

I've forgotten her real name.
What is it again?

Bitch.

Well, I dot think you should
have ever broken up with Max

in the first place.

You're still in love with him.

Yes, but his son
is running for Office,

and I'm tied to a mafia crime.

Hello!

There's an incredibly handsome man

talking on his cell phone on our porch.

He's like sex in a suit.

If he's a Jehovah’s Witness,
I'm converting.

If he's a Mormon,
he can have all three of us.

That must be my lawyer.

I have to change.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Stop.

Stop, you guys.

This is crazy.

We should just go up one at a time.

Shortest first.

Heavens.
All that fuss over one...

Mrs. Ostrovsky?

I hope you're my lawyer.

Because I'm defenseless.

Well, Elka,
I've been reviewing your case,

and based on what I see here, I have...

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know anyone was down here.

I just woke up.

I must look a fright.

I think you forgot the rest
of your outfit upstairs.

With your dignity.

Hi, I'm Kirk, Elka's attorney.

I'm Joy.

Is there
a Mrs. Elka's attorney?

No, I guess I haven't met
the right woman yet.

Hello.

Hi.

I'm Melanie.

Are you having an asthma attack?

No.

You know how sometimes my voice
gets deep and sensual?

Like a young...
Larry King?

I didn't know you hired a lawyer yet,

or that you wake up in makeup.

Kirk was sent to me
by my late husband's... friends.

Oh.

So you work for the mafia?

Well, technically,
my grandfather did,

but he put me through law school,

so from time to time
I help his associates out.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Oh, please...
please, don't get up.

What's all this then?

Oh, it's just my Emmy gown.

I just found out that Emmy magazine

wants to do a piece on me

because of my Emmy win.

Boy, it must be exciting

living with a famous actress, hmm?

Was that a proposal?

Can we get back to my trial?

Yeah, Elka, I'm gonna be blunt.

The state has
a very solid case against you.

Oh, no.

Well, it's not like
she stole anything.

She was just in possession
of stolen goods.

Is there anything someone as
broad-shouldered as you can do?

Well, you know, there is one tactic

that's worked in the past.

Are you ladies familiar

with the Vinnie
"the chin" Gigante case?

Oh, the mobster who wore
the bathrobe to court.

Right, to show that he wasn't
competent to stand trial.

So you want me
to pretend to be senile?

Pretend?

I'm a bit of a scamp.

Listen, I'll do whatever it takes.

Good.
And it'd be really helpful

if each of you could testify
to that fact.

- Oh, absolutely.
- Now, you do understand,

you'll be risking a perjury charge.

Oh, well, I don't care.

We'll do anything
to keep Elka out of jail.

Perfect. You'll be
really good on the stand.

You've got a very honest face.

I'll help too.

Great. Who doesn't love
a British accent?

Oh, perhaps I should be
the star witness.

Since I do have some acting experience.

And by "some"
I mean "Emmy-winning."

Then how could the judge
not be impressed?

So I'll go down now

and file the motion
for a competency hearing.

- Counselor.
- Counselor.

Consigliere.

I'll walk you to the door.

If I can remember where it is.

See, I'm working it already.

Is it just me,

or were you two a little over the top?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe we should ask your
consigliere.

Thank you, Melanie.

Okay, obviously
we're all attracted to him,

and, perhaps heightened
by our recent dateless-ness,

we're acting a little insane.

- What should we do?
- I don't know.

We've never been
in this situation before.

I've always been married,

and Victoria was...
Well, often married.

And I was always single,

which is why I should get him.

Well, I'm sorry.

It's not like me
to be self-centered, but...

I could just really use

something to cheer me up, you know?

Like him and faded Levis and no shirt.

On a motorcycle, no helmet,

bit of a scruff.

I don't care what he's wearing,

I could just picture him on top of me.

Sure could take my mind
off my deportation troubles.

Mm, and my being poor.

All right, Melanie, you decide.

Who should get him?
Me or Joy?

Wait a minute.
What about me?

Why don't I have a shot at him?

Because up until
your one-night stand

turned out to be
your boyfriend's brother,

you had a sex life.

Okay.

Which one of you
am I gonna give him to?

Give?

You have to have
in order to give, dear.

Well, you know,
I don't want to be mean,

but he was obviously attracted to me.

He said I had an honest face.

Well, so did Abe Lincoln.

You know, but if we're being honest,

then, I mean, it was pretty clear

that he was bewitched by my star power.

Oh, give it up.

He was staring at my legs

the whole time he was
complimenting my sexy accent.

So we're back to what do we do.

Now, normally I would say
we shouldn't compete over a man,

but what's wrong with a little
healthy competition?

You're just saying that

because you think you're gonna win.

No, no, I'm saying it
'cause I know I'm gonna win.

Oh, you're both so wrong,
because I'm gonna win.

So we're gonna go for this?

Oh, it's on.

Oh, it is so on.

It is so on I'm not gonna
let you borrow my curling iron.

Seriously?

Well, no, you can borrow it,

but then it is so on.

Oh, thank you for meeting me
on such short notice.

Well, you sounded
so urgent on the phone.

Well, I'm up for a part
playing a sexy lady lawyer

in the new show
called Sexy Lady Lawyers.

So you want to know
what it's like to be a lawyer?

Well, I already know what
it's like to be a sexy lady.

Great choice.

Thanks.
That's my glass.

What a pleasant surprise.

I had no idea you were coming.

Nor I you.

Well, this is grand.

I thought you were at the supermarket.

I already went.

And I picked up those
odor eaters you always need.

Thank you.

But since you were already there

getting your medication
for your toenail fungus,

then why not?

Well, if you two need
to take care of your feet,

maybe we should do this another time.

No, no, no.

Melanie texted me
that she's waxing the floors

and not to come home.

Oh, well, she texted me
the same thing,

so I thought I'd just
kill a little time

and do a little acting research.

Oh, for that new movie you're doing.

But what would Kirk know about
playing a menopausal woman?

You're right.
I should have come to you.

So, um, why are you here
with Kirk, hmm?

Well, he was kind enough to meet me

to discuss
my I.N.S. Problems.

I told her on the phone
I'm not an immigration lawyer.

Oh, you're so modest.

I tell people I'm not Kate Beckinsale,

but they still take pictures
of me at the airport.

Click, click.
"Oh, stop."

Oh, it's such a shame
you're being deported.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Melanie.

- Melanie.
- How charming.

Put her on speaker.

I'd love to ask you
some legal questions

involving my divorce?

Well, I'm not really
a divorce lawyer.

Oh, well, we could just
talk about that at my place.

My roommates are out
at a lesbian A.A. Meeting.

I don't know.

I'm just kind of scared

of being alone in this big old house.

- Oh, please.
- Victoria, is that you?

- Yes.
- And Joy.

Well, what are you guys doing th...

I mean, what... why aren't you
at your meeting?

I hope you're not drinking.

She's joking.

She always gets irritable

when her irritable bowel flares up.

Listen, it's getting late.

Why don't we discuss your
legal problems over dinner?

Sure. Which one of us
do you want to take?

Well, how about all three of you?

Yay.

I can't believe what you said
about me at dinner last night.

What about what you said about me?

I mean, I know we said it was on,

but that was beyond on.

Fortunately I stayed above the fray.

What, by pretending to choke

so that Kirk would
put his arms around you?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure
at no point during the Heimlich

is the choking victim

supposed to guide the
rescuer's hands to her boobs.

The important thing is I'm alive.

Worst night ever.

Hey, girls.
That was fun last night.

- Oh, so much fun.
- I had the best time.

I had an even better time, Kirk.

So is Elka ready?

It's almost time
for the competency hearing.

- She's just freshening up.
- Ah.

Where am I?

Who am I?

Let's do this thing.

Oh, no, it's Max.

And he's with Hagnes Fatford.

Okay, now, remember,
you're supposed to be senile.

There are a lot of people out here.

Elka, what's going on?

Oh, Max.
People are staring.

Just ignore her.

Why is your pig wearing a dress?

What?

Please excuse her.

She doesn't understand
what she's saying.

I don't know what this is all about,

but before you hear from anyone else,

I just want to tell you that...

We're getting married.

What?

We're getting MARRIED!

But...

She's just confused.

This has been coming on
for some time now.

Max, tick tock.

The judge is waiting for us.

The wedding's at 2:00.

Be well, Elka.

I cannot believe

that you were ever engaged
to that dreadful woman.

Aah!

That's great,
but save it for the hearing.

- Elka.
- I'm so sorry.

Hey, I know your mind is on Max,

but remember, this could
keep you out of prison.

Thank you, your majesty.

This is a hearing to determine

if the defendant is competent

to stand trial in case number 10421,

the People versus Elka Ostrovsky.

For the defense, we have...

The very capable Kirk Stark.

Good afternoon, counselor.

Good afternoon, judge.

It is now.

Have you been working out?

Every day, your honor.

What exactly does that entail?

Oh, a lot of crunches,
squats, stair work,

that sort of thing.

That's fascinating.

Well, I suppose we should continue.

Representing the State
in this matter we have...

Uh, Greg Trimmer...

Yeah, I don't need to know
your life story.

Kirk, do you want to call
your first witness?

Thank you, your honor.

At this time, the defense

would like to call
Victoria Chase to the stand.

Oh, I'm sorry.

The defense would like to call

television's Victoria Chase
to the stand.

Please raise your right hand.

Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth?

I do.

Now, Ms. Chase, could you
give the court an example

of why you think the defendant
is incapable of standing trial?

Fade in.

Close on an elderly woman's hand

picking up a delicate teacup.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm setting the scene,
your honor.

Just get to the example, Fellini.

Last week I was in my living room,

curled up and kittenish...

Um, reading a penetrating article

in the American Law Journal.

I just love all things
pertaining to law.

Anyway, I suddenly noticed that Elka

had wandered out into the street,

she was frightened and confused, and...

Well, at great personal risk,

I ran out to save her.

And were your roommates
Melanie and Joy witness to this?

Actually, Joy
was way too drunk to stand.

It was 9:00 A.M.

Not true.

Order in the court.

And Melanie was upstairs,
waging her own brave,

but ultimately futile battle
against cellulite.

Objection.

Only the judge
or the lawyers can object.

That's right.

You really know your stuff.

So as much as it
breaks my heart to say this,

I really do think she's not
competent to stand trial.

Well, thank you, Ms. Moretti,
for your testimony.

You're welcome.
Any time.

I like it when we talk.

Oh, I'd like to clear something up.

Although I do sympathize
with the 95% of women

who do suffer from cellulite,

I happen to be one of the lucky 5%.

Let the record show that the
court has been equally blessed.

I don't hear typing.

And she's clearly delusional.

She always mistakes me for a hooker.

Whereas most people
mistake me for Kate Beckinsale.

That's perjury, your honor.

Ask her to name these so called people

who think she's Kate Beckinsale.

Oh, stop it.

I didn't interrupt
your testi-lying.

I did not lie once.

You so did.

You lied, like, ten times.

Except about Elka.

'Cause she really is crazy.

And that's the honest truth.

I'll even swear...

Enough!

The only crazy people
in this room are these three.

Put me on trial.

I've got something to do.

No, no, wait, Elka.

- Elka.
- Wait.

You can't just walk out.

The defendant is clearly
competent to stand trial.

This court is adjourned.

Council, I'd like
to see you in my chambers.

No, not you.
Sit down.

And do you, Maxwell Sidney Miller,

take this woman to be
your lawful wedded wife?

Not on my watch.

Elka, what are you doing here?

Somebody restrain that crazy woman.

You're right.
I am crazy.

Crazy for you, Max.

I never should have let you go.

And I should have
never let you let me go.

So I'm just a rebound thing.

I'm sorry, Agnes,
but I can't marry you.

It's nothing you've done.

But my heart is promised to another.

Well, if you choose her over me,

you're as crazy as she is.

He's all yours, Hellka O'Slutsky.

Is your heart
really promised to me, Max?

It's promised
to the Cleveland clinic,

but until then, it beats only for you.

Are you asking me to marry you again?

Yes!

Then, yes, again.

Since we're here,
could we tie the knot now?

I'm not gonna get married
all crazy in a bathrobe,

looking like Joy.

You look beautiful to me.

But I'll wait if you want.

But I'd like to rehearse

just one little part
of our future wedding.

May I kiss the bride now?

Hey, Elka, I think we all want to say

that we're very sorry
that we ruined your hearing.

Oh, it's okay.

I might go to jail,

but I have my Max back.

Oh, the crazy things we do for men.

Oh, Kirk was just so handsome and...

And...

What else was he?

Well, he wasn't particularly clever.

- Or romantic.
- Or interesting.

Or, face it, a good lawyer.

- Yeah, but if I get
an all-female jury,

I've got it made.

You know, for me,
it wasn't even about Kirk.

I just wanted to feel
as fabulous as you guys.

Yes, I get jealous sometimes.

Of me? That's crazy.

I'll say.

I'm jealous of you.

You're so sexy and adorable.

Of course a guy's gonna go for you.

Yeah, well,
I'm jealous of both of you.

Those legs and that smile,

what guy would choose me?

Oh, please, you've got to be joking.

You are so glamorous, so gorgeous...

Well, that's true.

You're all hot.

You're all fabulous.

You're all alone.

See ya, losers.
I got a date.